Yesterday was the two-year anniversary of L’s referral.  Two years was the pinnacle of waiting what felt like forever for something that seemed like such a preposterously possibility.  After all that time and bureaucratic bullshit, who could believe that there was  a real-life person out there who would soon become my child?

Two years ago yesterday, I looked at her little picture and felt…well, honestly, I felt not much of anything.  But in two short years, I can no longer remember my life without this little girl.

These first two years with L have been hard.  Harder than I imagined, but in different ways.  It was really hard to parent a child who  lived through the trauma of separation and loss (not once, but twice!) and whose only purpose in life seems to be claiming me (which is different from loving, I learned over time).  It was hard to patiently wait for her scars to heal over so she felt safe enough to hug me instead of trying to hold on for dear life.  It was hard to wait for her to decide that we were probably sticking around so she did not have to look out for the next possible cargiver.  It is hard to look back on these two years and see so clearly the places where I made mistakes that made things harder for L.  But always, from the moment I touched her, it has been so very easy to love this little girl.

In other ways, I am sure are facing different kinds of difficulties in the future.   We have only started talking about adoption.  L’s language isn’t developed enough yet for us to discuss it in too much detail.  Right now, L is trying to wrap her head around the idea of an ayi.

She pretends she is a baby and I pretend to give her a bottle.  “I used to give you a bottle when you were a baby, right after you met us in China!”  I say.   “What means it a Ayi?”  she asks because she knows the Ayis had something to do with her being a baby.  “Your Ayis took care of you when you were a baby and  you lived in China.  They changed your diapers and gave you bottles and put you to sleep in your crib.  Then Mama and Daddy came to China and we became a family when we adopted you, so Mama gave you your bottles then.”  Then,  I pretend to give her a bottle and she says “I not a BABY!”  and we both laugh because she isn’t a baby any more.

Right now, looking backward and looking forward, I can see the loss and hurt that L will carry.  As her mother, that is hard.  I would take that pain for her, if I could.  Instead  my job is to help her trudge through it and smooth out the rough edges where I can.

It has been a long two years, but it also seems like it was just yesterday my hands were shaking as I clicked open my email and saw her face for the first time.  That day, I remember saying to Mr. A, “She just looks like a random baby.  She doesn’t seem like she is ours.”

But now she is ours and we are hers –for better or worse–and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

January 5th, 2009 | Category: Adoption, All About Me, Lovely Little L | Comments (19)

I know I already mentioned Mr. A’s new job, but there was more background that went into that decision so I am going back to record it.   You know, just in case he gets another cockamamie job idea in the future, I can refer to this and remind him why we made the decision we ultimately made.

A few months ago, Mr. A was approached about the possibility of a new job.  The job is a good opportunity for him, but it also appeared to require a rather substantial pay cut (maybe about 30%).   The idea of a pay cut that big really freaked me out.  It isn’t like we are living like rockstars over here.  Right now, we have enough to pay our mortgage, our school loans, our expenses, save a bit for retirement and to stash a little away in other savings.   We certainly do not have the wiggle-room to lose 30% of our income.  (I should also note that neither of us believe in consumer debt, so floating by with credit cards is not an acceptable option.)

Mr. A really really wanted this job.  From an experience/resume point of view, it is a no brainer.  I, on the other hand, was not sold on the risk to our finances.  I was also really annoyed when Mr. A suggested I should find a job to make up the lost income if he took the job.

(And yes, I realize that this post is heading into territory that provides fodder for the haters out there to think I am selfish.  I am not going to waste time trying dissuade people who want to think that about me.  Instead, I am just going to write about the thought process we actually went through.  If you want to dislike me, don’t let me get in your way.)

Thus began a several months-long debate about the job.  In theory, if we needed more money, obviously I could get a job.  In practice, it is more complicated than that.

Throwing L into daycare would be very hard on her if we didn’t do it carefully.  If I were to work part-time, I would only be able to earn about $10-$15 an hour and would only make up about a quarter of Mr. A’s lost income.  If I worked full-time, I could make up more of it, but then we would lose about a a third to half on daycare and after school care.  It hardly seems like it is worth the effort before both girls are in school.

Mr. A tried to sell me on the possibility that he would work a lot less at the new job.  But then I pointed out that if took that job, he might work 15 hours less a week.  In exchange, to make up some of his lost salary, I would have to work between 2o and 40 hours a week, L would have to be in daycare 20 to 40 hours a week and even M might need to be in after-school care for 5-10 hours a week.  So 15 hours less for Mr. A = up to 90 hours of lost family time for the rest of us.  Not to mention there are few nonprofit jobs available right now due to the crappy economy (I looked) AND they don’t pay enough to come anywhere near making up for his lost salary + daycare.

The insinuation that I needed to find a job to help Mr. A get this new job was really irritating to me.  As if I wasn’t ALREADY helping out Mr. A right now to the detriment of my own future employment options.  I used to have a job, but I quit in part because Mr. A’s current job’s hours are so excessive and unpredictable.  I wouldn’t mind having a job IF that job was a stepping stone towards a career.  But the job Mr. A wanted only involved a few years commitment, then he intends to go back to his old (way too many hours) job.

If he goes back to his old job,  most likely, we would decided that I needed to be home so he could work the ridiculous amounts of overtime he needs to be really successful.  The career he has chosen makes it much more difficult for me to have a career if we are going to have the family lifestyle we really want for the girls.  Popping back into the workforce for two years and then back out again, does not do much career-wise for me.

Besides, it turns out that I really, really like being home now that the girls are a little older. (Shocking, I know!)  I am really happy with what I am doing and with my life, so I was super-annoyed that Mr. A was trying to wreck my good setup under guise of “helping” him because he was unhappy with his job.  (Not to mention he was satisfied with his job until someone started waving this new option in front of him and got him all excited about it.)

So we researched it more and discovered that the new job provided much, much cheaper health insurance and retirement than his old job which provided NO employers sponsored benefits (jerks!).  We also figured out that we would be in a different tax bracket, so we would see a bit of tax savings too.   With a lot of calculating, Mr. A came up with a salary that we could live with at the new job without drastically cutting back.

When he interviewed, he was very up front about that number.  We knew it would be a stretch for the employer, but we left the decision up to fate.  Lucky for Mr. A, they were able to work things out.  So, in about a month or so, Mr. A will have a new job.

And that is the story behind the story.

January 3rd, 2009 | Category: All About Me, Mr. A | Comments (9)

Earlier this afternoon, M (who is usually not bothered by change) was crying because there is a new yellow Wiggle.

I tried to soothe her by pointing out that she liked both Joe and Steve on Blues Clues, but she said that was different because A) Steve and Joe were on the show together in her Get to Know Joe dvd and B) Steve introduced Joe.

But the new yellow Wiggle was just NEW! And she didn’t know his NAME!  And he Didn’t look like GREG! Much sobbing and gnashing of teeth ensued.

So we went online and looked for info about the New Yellow Wiggle (Sam).  We found this explanation of why Greg left.  Then, M wrote the following letter to Greg here.

Dear Greg:
I know I am going to miss you.  But it ok because at the library there are videos about you but not any about Sam yet.  I hope you feel better now.
From
M
Age 5 1/2

Apparently, now we can move on and M will deign to watch the Wiggles once again.  All is right with the world.

January 2nd, 2009 | Category: Marvelous Miss M | Comments (10)

Things are looking good for us in 2009!

Despite the drama-filled phone call this morning from MIL who is supposedly on her way to our house right now, though she threatened to turn around and go back home several times.    I can hardly wait to visit with her…. NOT.   (Was that too 1992 to add that NOT in there?)

The biggest, most exciting news is Mr. A accepted a new job yesterday!

It is a really fancy and important job that I can’t mention here*.   A job that pays a lot less money, but where they also have an assumption that he will A) Not work most weekends,  B) take vacations, B) not work on vacation (Revolutionary idea!!!).    This job isn’t permanent, but it will probably last a couple years.

So a big whooping HOORAY for Mr. A who has been under a ton of stress for the past couple months both at work and with this decision.   May he only work  50-60 hours a week this year AND get to go on vacation!

There was a lot that went into this decision, but I can’t write about it now because I have to clean my house and hide all the things I don’t want MIL to see.

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*But if you are really curious, know about legal jobs, AND I know you, comment and I can tell you via email.

January 1st, 2009 | Category: Mr. A | Comments (24)