You all may not have noticed, but I gave myself a nice little blog break there. In part, this is because I feel guilty because I still haven’t answered all the questions I requested…way back in OCTOBER.
The questions I have left are complicated, so I haven’t been eager to answer them. But if I am going to blog, it looks like I am going to have to suck it up and do it already (probably like I have been a few at a time).
Stillplayswithbarbies asks several questions all at once, so I am breaking them up:
I would like to read more about Taiwan and family dynamics in Taiwanese families. I have a daughter adopted from Taiwan, and while I am interested in everything you have to say, I am especially interested in anything about Taiwan.
Mr. A’s family is not a typical Taiwanese family. I suspect that the dynamics of his family are much more informed by mental illness and the immigrant experience (which can make even non-crazy people dysfunctional). It was interesting to see Mr. A’s relatives in Taiwan and find normal and sane. They had normal jobs/businesses and seemed much more like regular American families than like Mr. A’s family. I suspect if they had stayed in Taiwan, Mr. A’s family would still have been dysfunctional but they would have been less dysfunctional because the kids would have had some extended family support they lacked in the US. To sum it up, I can’t help you. If you want to talk about the dynamics of a family riddled with mental illness, then I would be more helpful.
As for Taiwan itself, we decided it was the Midwest of Asia. Not so sexy, not so flashy, not cutting edge, but people there were industrious and nice. It seemed like a pretty pleasant place to be, but everyone thought somewhere else might be more interesting. This is how I always felt about Ohio, so I could relate. I also found it less easy to get around without being able to read Chinese (less written english) but the spoken english of the average college graduate seemed very proficient. We also thought it was much more Chinese than China. There seemed to be much less focus on luxury/flashiness, much more traditional Chinese culture, etc. Like China without the trauma of communism and 40 years of intense, government-imposed poverty and crazy.
This answer is not so helpful, I know.
A specific question I have is about birthparent search in Taiwan. We have names and addresses. It is an open adoption in the sense that all identifying info on both sides is in all the court documents. Our daughter is three years old. When/how should we make contact?
If it were me, I would do it by letter. I would update her on your daughter’s development and lay out your reasons for wanting contact. I would also outline how I would like that contact to look (letters? timeline? etc.). Learn from my mistakes and go with less contact at the beginning. You can always add more, but it much harder to do less later. I would also assume she has been told it is healthiest if she just forgets about the baby and moves on. The letter may be intercepted by her parents or spouse or something, so I wouldn’t assume a lack of response meant she was choosing to not have contact. I would also make a webpage with photos of your daughter (updated from time to time) so you can put a statcounter on it to see if anyone is looking. That way, even if they don’t respond, you know if someone is interested.
A more generic related question: L’s birthfamily is intact and mature. What are your thoughts on approaching other types of birthfamilies such as mature single mom, teenage mom living at home with her parents, divorced parents, etc.? How to gauge if they would be receptive to contact, or if waiting a few years is better? I am thinking that making contact too early may scare them off forever, perhaps? Would love to hear your thoughts.
I always try to think what I would want if I was the birth mother. If my child were out in the world without me, I would want to know she is ok asap. It seems almost cruel to me to withhold that information. I would also be afraid that they would move or something and you would lose the ability to contact them later.
What I am hearing in your post is that you are concerned about the wellbeing of the birthmom, which is great. And you also want the best possibility of successful contact. I don’t think waiting will necessarily ensure that. Every birth mom is going to be different so you won’t know until you reach out to her. There is no patented best practices in international open adoption. You are just going to have to feel your way through it. It is hard. Also, I suspect reaching out is not going to get easier of you wait a longer time.
