…is this thing on?

Yeah, so I took a long break from blogging and I didn’t miss it at all.   I am not sure exactly what that means for me.  Am I ready to close up shop?   I don’t know.  Maybe.

For a long time, I processed a lot of what was going on in my head here.  But lately, I have been spending a lot more time with real-life friends so I talk a lot of that stuff out in person.

Also, there just isn’t that much deep stuff going on for me right now.   I have realized that I am kind of living a charmed life.  I have pretty much every thing I need (roof over my head, food to eat, loving family).  I have almost everything I want (lovely children, hot and supportive husband, most of my material wants are within my grasp, friends that I see often).

I just don’t have as much of a need for the community and feedback that blogging used to provide for me.   As they grow older, I also feel like I owe my family - more specifically the girls - some privacy and freedom from internet commentary on their lives and my parenting choices.   I mean, YOU, are perfectly kind and respectful, but some of those other internet people can be a little judgmental IYKWIM.

For example, trying to sell the house made me feel and act more than a little crazy.  KRAAAZY to a really embarrassing degree.  In the past, I would have shared that all with you.  But right now, I am not feeling it.

(For those that are interested, we decided to stay in this house for a couple more years.  We had 4 serious offers, but at the end of the day, we didn’t want to sell it badly enough.  Mr. A didn’t want to sell it at all, so he is quite relieved)

It is strange to even be considering letting my blog go because for over 5 years, it was really important to me.  I met a lot of great internet friends here, some of whom became even better real-life friends.  My life is a better place because I blogged.  Blogging got me through a lot of dark days.

I am not quite ready to close up shop just yet.  I might experiment with taking my blog in a different direction.  Maybe I will post less often.  I don’t know.

I think I will just wait a little longer to see if my blogging mojo comes back.  If it doesn’t, never fear, if I am not here it is because I am out in the world enjoying my life.

I can’t read the news today.  Every time I catch a glimpse of the story of Dr. Tiller’s murder, I get teary.

When we lived in San Francisco, I worked in an abortion clinic.  Actually, it was a women’s health clinic that happened to perform abortions.  Every day, I sat behind to a window of bullet proof glass doing my menial office tasks.  Sometimes we had protesters outside our clinic.  Sometimes those protesters videotaped our cars and license plates as we drove in and out of the parking lot.  Why?  I could only imagine it was because they wanted to trace us and find out where we lived and who we were. One year, we had to close our clinics for a week because the FBI informed us there was a credible threat that we would be bombed.

I won’t lie.  It was scary.  I used to have nightmares.  It was just a tiny taste of our own home-grown domestic terrorism.

Because our clinic had previously received an envelope of white powder that claimed to be anthrax,  I opened the mail while wearing a mask and latex gloves.  Sometimes, we received angry letters, cut up pictures of fetuses and threats, but those were not the items I remember the most.

Occasionally, the checks would be accompanied by a woman’s story.  Why she had an abortion.  How visiting our clinic changed her life.  The stories of abortions in Mexico before abortions were legal in the U.S.

I remember that each month we received an anonymous envelope with two money orders for $10 each.  Usually, there was no note enclosed.  But one month, a piece of paper was tucked inside.  It simply said: “Thank you for being there when I needed you.”   I don’t know that woman’s story, but I know that she sent those money orders religiously.

One of the doctors who performed abortions at our clinic was an older doctor who completed his residency before Roe v. Wade.  At one gathering he told us that when he was training, the GYN students referred to their rotation in the emergency room as being “in the septic tank”.   This was because many of their patients came to the ER suffering the after effects of botched or unhygenic back alley abortions.  Many of them only came to the ER once they were so infected and ill that their bodies were going into septic shock.  Many of them died.

Even when it is safe and legal, abortion isn’t fun.  It isn’t a cause that has a fancy ribbon,  its own theme color or celebrities marketing trendy wristbands or t-shirts.   Abortions are usually necessary because of some kind of tragedy.

Let’s be honest, when a mother simply CAN NOT have her child - for whatever reason be it financial or emotional or for health reasons or for any one of 10,000 reasons why a woman might choose an abortion - it is a choice that woman (that MOTHER) did not want to be in a position to make.  And don’t even get me started on the ways we fail to provide adequate access to reproductive healthcare, contraceptives, safe sex education and prenatal care that directly contribute to crisis pregnancies in the first place.

I can’t imagine the fear that Dr. Tiller and his family lived with all these years of harrassment and threats and even after he was shot.   I do know that Dr. Tiller’s courage provided hope and dignity for women facing a terrible decision.  Women like Susan or Julia or Ayelet or Cecily, each one of whom has some kind of heartbreaking story.

Today, in honor of Dr. Tiller, I am making a donation to the brave men and women at Medical Students for Choice.  These future doctors who will probably work behind bullet-proof glass to make sure that women continue to have access to safe abortions with dignity and respect.   I am also making a donation to the George Tiller Memorial Abortion Fund in honor of Dr. Tiller and all the women whose lives he touched.

We got an offer on the house today.  Actually, we got two, but one was way way too low.    I am a bit uncomfortable with the other one, because it involves a contingency to sell their house.  We are thinking about it and haven’t decided to accept or not.

After stressing about it for a while, I finally succombed to my inner stalker* and googled the couple.  I found his blog.  Then I found his twitter feed.  Then I found her twitter feed.  And her podcasts (though I can’t listen to them because I don’t have speakers right now.) 

It turns out that this little snapshot of the family was very likeable.  I think they seem like people I would want to hang out with at the park.  Also, they were Obama supporters and I like to stack the hood with Democrats if at all possible, especially because we are planning to continue living very nearby.

I think they might possibly annoy the crap out of my really nosy, annoying neighbor. 

None of these are really things that should influence my decision, but I was previously about 65% against accepting, now I am only about 20% and that is just my nerves. 

The internet is a strange strange tool that can be used for good or evil.  I am not sure which this is.

*Seriously, I am a stalker.  If we have met in person, odds are I have looked up how much you paid for your house, what charities you support, any political donations you have made, your photo on facebook etc.  Yes, I know I am creepy.  It used to be my job to stalk people (nonprofits call it “prospect research” ) and now it is just second nature.

Things are moving forward around here.

We have had several more showings after a very busy open house.   I have been fighting my phone-phobia and calling all the realtors for feedback.  So far, I have been told the house is “adorable” and “lovely” and “shows beautifully”, which is good to hear.  The only negatives we have received are about things I can’t really fix (big chimney in front of the house, two beds up/two down).

This time around, though, I am not putting everything on hold to focus on house stuff.   We are beginning to look forward to summer.  M has three weeks of school left, but we are already letting the girls stay up later and play outside until they drop of exhaustion.  L would be outside every single minute of the day if we let her.

We did have a minor mishap last night.  M took a header off her bike and landed right on her nose in a neighbor’s driveway.   She was gushing blood everywhere.  ( I had to hose down the driveway, there was so much carnage.)   Strangely, I couldn’t find any open wounds (no scratches on her visible skin).  We stuck some ice on her and she seems to have avoided bruises and black eyes.   She said it doesn’t hurt unless she pushes on it really hard, so hopefully there isn’t any kind of broken bone  or cartiledge.   I also learned that Mr. A is not particularly practical in a bloody crisis.  He was trying to help, but his help wasn’t very helpful.

This weekend is going to be jam-packed with stuff to do.  We have the local Asian festival on Saturday, a friend’s party on Sunday and a parade and neighborhood block party on Monday.

I am already tired just thinking about it.   Have a great weekend!

You know how they say when things seem too good to be true, they probaby are? Yeah,  Those people are right.

Last night, we found out that the offer on our house fell through.  We are a bit disappointed, but to be honest, things had been getting weirder and weirder with those people.  We are glad we found out now, rather than a month from now.

So we are back on the market.  The house is spotless.  We will see what happens.  If we can’t find a buyer by the end of June, we will just take it off the market.  I am not interested in ruining my whole summer trying to keep a spotless house.

I am feeling very zen about the whole thing.  If it works out, great.  If not, well, then we don’t have to move into an apartment while we wait for the perfect house.  I feel very fortunate that we don’t have a lot of pressure to make the house sell.

Zen is my middle name.