My dearest readers and friends in the computer,

I have been thinking about closing up shop here for quite a while. It is time to admit that my blogging mojo is gone.

I started this blog just days before M’s first birthday and now she is a strapping 7 1/2 year old. When I started blogging, L was only our Hypothetical Future Child (HFC) and now she is our child in every way.

This blog helped me through the dark, dark days of new parenting when I thought I was going to lose my ever-loving mind.  This blog is where I turned when I was trying to figure out how to make being a multicultural, multiracial family a blessing instead of a burden for my girls.  It helped me learn to unpack my invisible knapsack of privilege.  Blogging helped me survive the long wait to adopt from China with humor and community.  This blog was my refuge when I was in Baby Jail after L came home and I thought I couldn’t make it through another day inside the four walls of my house.

In short, this blog and the people I met here helped me walk through the fire and figure out how to be the mother (and person) I want to be.

Thank you.

My life wouldn’t be what it is today without you, my friends in the computer.  While there have been some bumps (and assholes) along the way, blogging has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me.  The support, friendships and community I found here were life-changing.

Some of you became my real-life friends.  Some of you remain my friends in the computer.  Some of you have been secretly lurking for years and years not realizing that having an audience for the crazy that is my life sometimes  was the only thing keeping me sane.

I am so sad to let American Family go.

The things I want to write about (things that cause me stress and angst right now) are unbloggable.  The story doesn’t belong only to me and putting it on the internet isn’t worth the risk to the other parties involved or to the relationships we hope to build.  We are still searching and hoping to rebuild connections that have been lost.  I think this is a road we will have to walk alone.

I was hoping to wait until we finished our big trip to China and Taiwan next year, but I can’t see dragging things out for another 6-12 months just to do a travel blog.  I am going to hold on to the domain name, just in case.  I have always made snarky comments (who me??) about people who close up their blog and then come back over and over, but now I understand why. This shit is hard, yo.  I will still be on Twitter ( su per grrl 7  spacesremoved), if you feel you can’t stand to say goodbye.

A final update about each of us before we go:

M: M is lanky and tall. Sometimes she is a little bit awkward, but she has a lot of confidence.  She is missing so many teeth she looks like a jack-o-lantern.  She is a gentle girl with a kind heart.  Just this summer, she has really come into her own as a big sister.  She has started including L in the very involved pokemon games she plays with her stuffed animals.  M is smart as a whip and we continue to try to figure out how to get her needs met at school.  M was fortunate to have an excellent teacher in the past two years who made sure she was challenged at school.  We hope next year will be more of the same.  While she complains about learning Chinese, M is making great progress.  I can’t wait until we get to China to see how much she understands and if she will feel comfortable speaking.  M is goofy and beautiful.  Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye,  I can see the woman she will be one day and it takes my breath away.

L: L is a surprise.  She bares almost no resemblance to the chubby-cheeked,  somber baby we saw in her referral photos.  She is cute as a button and all girl.  She has grown a lot lately.  From the tiny bug who was wearing size twos on her 4th birthday, she recently shot up into the 20th %tile, much to my relief.  She is nimble, compact and strong.  She might be a little slow to warm up, but her smile lights up the room.  L is cautious but has a stubborn streak that will serve her well (though it might be the death of me!).

This past year with L has been hard.  (Actually, I could say that about almost every year with L. But each year for different reasons.)  Not that L herself has been hard, but being the best mama to her and figuring out how to get her needs met has been a struggle.   I have written a lot here about the challenges of trying to figure out the lingering effects of living in an orphanage – trauma and attachment issues, vision issues, vestibular issues, educational issues – but I don’t want to leave you with the wrong impression.  L is amazing.  She is smart and funny and she will be just fine.  She is figuring out what it means to be adopted.  She loves stuffed animals and anything soft and fuzzy.  She feels her feelings intensely, but lets them pass quickly.  She loves her big sister.  She is learning what it means to be a friend.  Her capacity for love in spite of all her losses could break my heart into a million tiny pieces.  I can’t imagine this family without her spark.

Mr. A: Right now, Mr. A is working at a fancy-pants, piece of cake job.  He works only about 50 hours a week and has actually been known to take some time off (!).  While he likes this job, we know his days there are numbered.  Sometime in the next year he will head back to the land of the corporate lawyers where he will work too much and (hopefully!) make a little more money.  We are soaking up as much of this easy time as we can.  He is still a wonderful father and the only man I can imagine spending my life with.

Me: I am happy. Really and truly.  I am living the life that is better than I could ever have dreamed it would be.  I have the perfect little family and I live in a perfect little town.  I am surrounded by wonderful friends who live nearby and some who live too far away.  Sure, there are a few areas I would like to change: I would love to find our forever house (or at this point almost ANY house) so we can move out of the cramped rental;  I would like to have a housecleaner again because it seems I am never going to be a tidy person who enjoys cleaning; I would like to travel more.  Recently, I have actually begun to contemplate getting a job once L goes to kindergarten for the sole purpose of funding more Big Trips.  We are starting to get ready for our two month trip to China and Taiwan (and maybe Hawaii and somewhere else if we get bored?).  I am so excited, I can barely contain myself.

So that’s us.  We are riding off into the sunset with our hair trailing in the wind and smiles on our faces.  We are finding our Happily Ever After.

It has been a wild and wonderful ride.

Thank You.