The sun! It has been shining! I have had so much more energy, I feel like I am constantly rushing from one activity to the next. In quick digestible bites, this is what has been going on

The House Situation: We still haven’t found a house.  I am probably going to feel the need to report that each month until we get back from our Big China Trip ™  sometime in 2011 when I will begin knocking on doors and bribing people to move out so I can have their  houses.  I am antsy for a new house.  I am tired of the brown living room in this rental house.  I am tired of the annoying housing market in our town which has a lot of houses <$250,000 and >$400,000 but absolutely NONE in our desired neighborhood in our price range which is currently $250,000-$350,000.

Is that too much financial information for polite company?  Honestly, I don’t care if you know how much we spend on our house.  All of you on the coasts are currently shaking your heads at the insanely low cost of living here, I know. People around here who know how cheap new big fancy houses cost are wondering why the heck anyone would spend half a million dollars on a house. If we wanted to leave our lovely little walkable suburb, we could have a house tomorrow.  Alas, we don’t want to leave it so we will wait here in this small house with very BROWN walls in the living room.  I am so over those brown walls.

The Money Situation: We finally started trying to use only cash for groceries and weekend eating out the last two  weeks.  It was much harder than I had anticipated.  We budgeted $120 for groceries and $60 for eating out and we spent every last dime.  Actually, Mr. A spent about $2.00 more on groceries because he forgot about the cash and bought himself a bag of tortilla chips when he went to buy his weekend 2 liter of Coke Zero.  (Seriously, if you cut him open, I think instead of blood he has coke zero in his veins).  He got a big lecture from me.

I think this week was especially hard because our grocery stockpile was especially low and I had to visit the regular grocery, the Chinese grocery (because horror of horrors we were almost out of rice!!), and Trader Joe’s (to stock up on soy milk for L).  The budget meant I was severely restricted on buying unnecessary convenience items like frozen steamed buns and the ridiculously overpriced grapes L loves.  (Seriously, why are grapes $.89 one week and $1.99 the next? Can’t we meet in the middle so L can have her grape fix every week??)  By the end of the week, the pickings were slim and undesirable. We were so low on other fresh fruit and easy snack items so I had to resort to feeding L croutons for a snack.  I also think we ate rice and egg three times in three days (breakfast, lunch or dinner on different days).  We all really love rice and egg, but some variety would be nice.    Don’t get me wrong, we had food in the house, it just wasn’t anything that sounded very appetizing or that we wanted to take the time to prepare.

This week, I found myself shopping more like I did during my Food Challenge of 2009.  I went for items where we could get more for the money like buy one get one free bags of apples $3.49 for 6 pounds).  Normally, I would  have wanted to mix and match several different kinds of apples but the unbagged kind cost $1.49 a pound and that sounded very expensive when I actually had to pay attention to what I was spending.

One more thing I learned is  I don’t have a problem adding up the groceries in my head as I go through the store, but it is almost impossible for me to remember the total for more than 30 seconds.   I don’t know what that says about my brain, but the next time I am going to have to bring some paper.

I was going to update on some other stuff, but this ended up longer than I expected.  Who knew I had so much to say about groceries?

Thanks for all the comments on that last post.  I have been shaking my head about that situation all weekend. In the interest of fairness to the kids and the other parents in the class, a few clarifications:

• The kids are mostly rowdy during the “down time” portions of class, not during the instruction portion.  The handstands were going on before class technically started, as were the horse-back riding things.  During instruction, they are usually attentive, but sometimes they get a little too excited because they are having fun.  (Which is preferable to not having fun!)

• M has not been the model of good behavior either.  Her primary fault is getting too involved in pre-class Nintendo DS games and discussions with some of the bigger kids and not paying attention when the teachers say it is time for class.  She is now on a very restricted DS-play guidelines (i.e. must turn it off within 10 seconds of when I tell her to or she loses it the next day/class)*.

• I should have been clearer that the majority of the time the kids are not actually BAD.  They are just testing limits and being silly now that they are more comfortable with the class, the teachers and each other. Unfortunately, when they test the limits, there aren’t really any repercussions if their parents don’t keep them in line so they tend to get carried away.  The good news is there aren’t really any bad seeds in the class.  Just standard rowdiness and silliness, most of the time. I think I made it sound worse than it actually is.

As Tongu Momma said, I also strongly believe in demonstrating the importance of respecting ALL adults or authority figures, even if I/my kids disagree with them. How can the teachers teach effectively if the parents feel free to meddle in every decision?  How will the kids learn that they are not the boss of the world if we constantly undermine other authority figures?  They may as well learn now that there will always be people telling them to do things they don’t necessarily want to do or like.  Tough Shit.   Part of being a successful member of society is figuring out what the rules and expectations are in a given situation and learning to work within them. They also need to take responsibility when they screw up.

Take, for example, the day the kids almost made the teacher cry.   Even though M was not the kid who caused the problem, after class I made  her apologize to the teacher.  I made her apologize for being too excited and getting carried away AND I made her apologize for not helping her classmates remember to follow the rules.  On the way home, we had a good conversation about mob mentality and social responsibility (in 1st grader language, of course.)  In the long run, I hope conversations like that will help my kids learn to step back from the group and remember their values.

I certainly don’t want them to learn that if they turn on a few tears, I will call the teacher and demand they change the rules to protect their pwecious self esteem.   It is about teaching our kids tolerance.  Not only tolerance for different cultural values, but tolerance for discomfort and things they don’t like. I don’t mind saying that learning that kind of tolerance is part of my bigger plan to get the kids to one day move out of my house. They need to tolerate a JOB one day so they can support themselves.

The issue of tolerance is also especially important when we are talking about my kids and cultural issues.  I have already started talking to M about being ready for stares and embarrassing questions on our trip to China.  The trip is over a year away and we are already role-playing how she will respond to those situations.  The world isn’t going to bend to our  idea of good manners, nor can we expect them to not gawk at our unusual (to them) family.

We are citizens of the world and we have to meet the world on their’ terms, not ours. Learning to be respectful, even when you don’t like it is especially important if you are a smart privileged kid or if you are a kid who is different in some way.  Both my girls will be in both of those categories whether they like it or not, so they need to learn to suck it up.

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*In an ideal world, I wouldn’t let her have her DS at all, but she originally got a DS because many of the big girls in the class had one.  She was 2-3 years younger than some of the bigger girls and wasn’t relating well to their big-girl social stratification (she didn’t get it), so bringing her DS gave her some instant social capital in the class.  She is much happier to go to class now and the big girls talk and play with her, so we continue to work on a compromise on that issue.  (I know I am opening the door to  criticism of my parenting here, but it is ok because I feel good about how the choices have turned out.  It is a totally different issue than the other ones, but one I have been thinking about.)

There was a bit of an incident today at Chinese Club that left me stunned and disappointed.

(Stick with me, this one is kind of long.)

As the kids at Chinese club have become more comfortable in the class, their behavior has deteriorated.  The teachers have tried various methods of incentivizing good behavior with mixed results.  They haven’t punished the kids yet, probably because the moms of about half the kids in the class are sitting right there.  You know, that would probably be just a leeeetle awkward.

Last week, the kids got so carried away, one of the teachers nearly cried.

At the end of the next class, without any forewarning, the teachers gave a prize to the kid who had behaved the best.  The kids were duly impressed.  The next class, all the girls got a little rowdy during Ba Luo Buo game and knocked each other down.  Not surprisingly, the boys all got a prize and the girls didn’t.

After two classes and no prize, two sisters  in the class started to cry.

After that class, the mom of those kids called the teacher and asked what her children had done wrong that they didn’t get a prize.  The teacher explained that the boys got prizes because they behaved better than the girls.   The teacher also mentioned that her kids have their hands in their mouths chewing their fingers and fingernails* during the entire class. The mom was really annoyed and thought finger-chewing was none of the teachers business.

In that phone call, the  mom demanded the teachers  end to the competitive prizes.  She insisted that each kid get a prize for “achieving their personal goal” for the class, because the “Kids don’t understand why some kids got prizes. It wasn’t fair to them, it just seemed random.”**

She was explaining this to the other parents today, as if we were all going to agree with her.

As she was explaining, I tried to point out that her issues are largely cultural.  All the teachers are Chinese.  Chinese schools are VERY competitive, so the teachers probably don’t see why there would be any problem having a good-behavior competition.   I said something like “You know, a lot of the kids have been kind of disrespectful even under American standards, so if you try to imagine it from a Chinese point of view, they are REALLY misbehaving.”

I explained about the girls being rowdy the week before so they didn’t get a prize.  The mom said “Well, the TEACHERS shouldn’t play a rowdy game if the kids are going to be punished for getting carried away!”

The mom said “My kids haven’t been misbehaving, have they? What have they done?”

In rather convenient timing, the kids in question were doing handstands against the wall of the grown-up professional office where the classes are held.  “Well,” I said, “I don’t know.  I guess doing handstands in the classroom could be viewed as disrespectful and misbehaving?”

“Well, then, the TEACHERS should set CLEAR RULES!” said the mom.  (Seriously, do we need a rule that says no handstands in the classroom?)

One more time, I tried to talk about the cultural differences.  That Chinese kids would never DREAM of back-talking the teacher, riding around the class on each others’ backs pretending to be horses, or even chewing off their fingernails in class.

“I think we have to understand that the teachers come from a different culture, so there are going to be cultural issues that come up.” I said.

“WE ARE IN AMERICA!” said the mom, “THESE ARE AMERICAN KIDS! They need to respect that!”

At that point, my jaw dropped.  I was stunned into submission.

What. the. FUCK.

Oh, and did I mention that this mom’s kids are adopted from China?

After the class, I stayed behind and apologized to the teachers.  I let them know that I thought they were doing an awesome job and I didn’t think they needed to change anything.  I also apologized for letting M get away with too much while I was sitting right there.  (M gets away with much less than the other kids, but sometimes I get caught up in socializing and forget to ride her ass.)

I am embarrassed to be associated with that kind of disrespectfulness that mom showed those Chinese teachers, both as a parent in general and as a white adoptive parent of a Chinese kid.

I mean, it goes without saying that the reason I want my CHINESE AMERICAN KIDS to learn CHINESE is so they can begin to gain some cultural competence, right? And that I think it is particularly important for adopted Chinese kids to respect and understand cultural differences?

Seriously, I am speechless and boggling.

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*This issue has come up before and I asked another teacher about it.  Apparently, it is a cultural thing and considered very rude for a kid to do that while a teacher is addressing them –maybe kind of like nose-picking?  I didn’t know that before, but I had passed on word to the other parents.

**For the record, I asked M why she didn’t get a prize last time and she explained about all the girls being to rowdy.  She is at least two years younger than the kids in question, so I am pretty sure they all have the capacity to understand why they didn’t get a prize.

I know I have written it before, but the crap-ass weather and the lack of sunshine is wearing me down.  A few days of neglecting my magic light left me a weepy mess for no good reason.  Eff you, Midwestern Winters.  Eff You.

Last week, as part of my winter crazy, I once again tried to convince Mr. A that he should try to go overseas for his next job.  I fantasized about it (and cajolled poor Mr. A endlessly.  Mr. A, gotta love him, let me live in my delusional world for a week before he gently reminded me that the last time he tried to make me move out of my beloved picture-perfect suburb I totally flipped out on him and cried for weeks months.  He also reminded me that I really love it here eight months of the year and one of those months is just around the corner.

I *do* want to stay in our town.  I really do love it.  One of the problems (in addition to the grinding grey winter days) is the plan for the next house to be THE house.  The house we grow old in.  The house we live in for the next FORTY years. 

Need I mention that I am a mere 34 years old?  5 years is the longest I have ever lived in any single house in my entire life.  The house I wanted 5 years ago is certainly not the house I want now.  What if I want something completely different in five years? 

Hello, fear of committment!

Additionally, I haven’t seen any houses that are The House or even a Possible House that are anywhere near the price range we can afford.

“What if we can’t afford THE HOUSE for years and years!” my subconscious nags.  

(Adding to to that worry is my annoyance that  our rental house is small. Very Small. It turns out that small places feel cluttered much more quickly. Who knew? And the living room is painted BROWN. Our furniture is BROWN.  I am completely BROWNED OUT.)

My damn subconscious is also reminding me there IS a house I like that costs about 100K more than I can spend right now.  It  needs about another 100K of work to make it The House.  Even the casual observer can put 2 and 2 together and deduce that obviously that house isn’t The House, but tell that to my damn greedy subconsious that keeps renovating and decorating it behind my back.

I need it to be spring, damn it.  Winter is quite literally driving me crazy.

Last week, Mr. A gave a Chinese New Year presentation to M’s 1st grade class.  I had mixed feelings about it initially, but after M came home from another parent’s Hanukkah presentation saying “Mama!  We learned about Hanukkah today! We at latkes!  It was sooooo cool.  I wish I was Jewish!!”, I changed my mind.  I decided first graders are probably pretty positive about new things if it is presented in a fun (and delicious) way.

So Mr. A went to school and did a presentation (I was there as a crowd control helper).   As the teacher introduced us, she said “This is Mr. A and Ms. AmFam.  They are Chinese New Year EXPERTS!”

At that point, M piped up: “My MOM isn’t an expert in Chinese New Year because her ancestors are from EUROPE!”

Mr. A read a couple books, made the kids kowtow for a chocolate coin filled red envelope, used a puppet to demonstrate a lion dance and taught them to use chopsticks to eat a big marshmallow.  We also gave them a cup of Mr. A’s famous noodles (aka long life noodles) and a M’s beloved Taiwanese shortbread cake. For the most part, the kids were great.  A few of them balked at eating unusual things, but the majority tried and liked the snacks.

My favorite comment of the class was made in response to one boy’s grimace and statement that he was NOT going to try that cake and it looked gross.   Another little boy said “Evan, you should try it!  I thought it would be DISGUSTING, but when I tasted it, it was DELICIOUS!”

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Yesterday, we went to China Day, which is a big festival of Chinese culture put on by a variety of Chinese organizations in our state.  In previous years, M performed her Chinese dance at that event, but since we are Chinese School drop outs, we could all relax this year.   After a thousand hours of incredibly boring speeches, proclamations, banner presentations, the girls enjoyed a lion dance and dance performances.

There were a lot of different cultural activities on the schedule.  My personal favorite was “How to guide your kids to study math.”   I pointed it out to Mr. A because I thought it was funny.  He failed to see the humor and was disappointed we weren’t going to be able to attend that session due to a scheduling conflict.

When we went to get a snack.  Mr. A saw the college students who performed the lion dance and went to talk to them.  He was hoping they might want to perform at a big fancypants  Asian Lawyer function later this year.   It turns out the lion dancer guys were members of a new Asian fraternity.   Mr. A asked several of them who he should contact to book them and they all just mumbled and shrugged.  Finally someone told him to ask Everett.

When he tracked Everett down, Mr. A introduced himself.  Everett did a typical frat-boy head nod to say hello.  Mr. A went on to explain about the fancypants Asian lawyer event, which caught Everett’s attention.

“Asian Lawyers?  Here in our city?” he said.

Mr. A said yes.

“You a lawyer?” Everett asked.

When Mr. A said yes, Everett immediately dropped his eye contact (which according to Mr. A is a sign of respect in Asian cultures).

Then Everett smacked his hand on his chest (kind of gang-symbol like), nodded his head again and said   “Respect, yo.”

Mr. A thought that interaction was seriously hilarious and repeatedly said “Respect, yo!” to me all evening.