My first reply to Asa’s post
I am posting the reply to the uproar that Asa’s post created, solely for my own future reference. Much of it comes from other posts I have made here, but if you are interested, you are welcome to read it.
It is interesting that this post is coming up now, because I have
really been reflecting a lot recently on how my race will impact my
relationship with my children.
I think talking about race is really challenging, especially if you
are White. In my experience, many of us (white people) tend to think
of ourselves as raceless. As a White woman, I was not raised to
think about my race. I was not supposed to acknowledge that I noticed
other people’s race. When I was younger, it wasn’t hard to keep up
that charade, because most people I came into contact with were
White. I felt a lot of the same discomfort that Patti mentioned in
her post. I also said a lot of really embarassing things to and
about people of color, purely out of my own ignorance.
It has also been my experience that when White people talk to each
other about race, we tend to use code words. Sometimes the codes
that are used are to camaflage comments about bias ("bad parts of
town" or "people who don’t speak english"), but sometimes the code is
there because we are uncomfortable saying what we think because it
might be the wrong thing or it might offend someone.
I think there are a lot of stages a person has to go through when we
start processing the role race plays in America (I can’t really speak
about other countries). I think on some level we all WISH that race
didn’t matter so much, but it does. And whether we like it or not,
our race will impact our relationship with our children, if they are
of a different race than we are. If you don’t believe me, go read
Jane Jeong Trenka’s blog (she is an adult Korean adoptee and an
author), especially this post:
http://www.languageofblood.com/2004/06/whiteness-as-barrier-
method.html
As a mother, I want my children to be healthy and happy, which is
exactly how I think most people on this list feel. TO be healthy and
happy, I truly believe my kids will need to be able to function as
_Asian_ Americans. And as a White woman, I can’t teach them that.
The only thing I can do is to try to guide them and facilitate their
interaction with other people who can.
As I have thinking about this, I have found "Why are all the Black
Kids Sitting together in the cafeteria? : A psychologist explains the
development of racial identity" to be an excellent resource for
helping me understand WHY it is so important that my children have
ample opportunities to develop relationships with other kids of
similar ethnic backgrounds and how it will help them feel at home in
their own skin.
Some people have asked what we can do. I think the first step
towards helping our children feel comfortable in their own skin is
acknowledging that race matters. We, as parents, have to get to a
place where we can be comfortable talking about race and interacting
with people of other races/culture. While that sounds like an easy
thing to do, it isn’t.
There is a lot of socialization in White American culture that
encourages us to NOT to talk about race. I also think we (white
people) don’t feel welcome in the conversation about race because we
don’t tend to think of ourselves in racial terms. As the parent of
an Asian child, I don’t have the luxury of ignoring my race any more.
So what do we do? I think this conversation is a great first step.
We talk about it. We talk with each other, we talk with our friends,
we talk with our kids. We try to find other people who can teach us
what we don’t know (Thanks Asa). We try to help our kids find the
teachers they need. We acknowledge that it is hard to talk about
race, but the rewards will be worth the discomfort.