For your friday afternoon enjoyment. 10/2

For your friday afternoon enjoyment.
Since Friday afternoon is SOOOOO boring and no one else seems to be updating, I have the time to type up a semi-funny, semi-horrifying story about my in-laws. The story about MIL’s craziness this week is a little too close to be funny yet, so I will dig back into my memory for a good one. There are two options vying for the top spot, “A’s Law School Graduation” and “The (sort-of) Mail Order Bride.” I think I will go with the former, but if there is interest in the Mail Order Bride story, I will try to do it in the future.

Setting: Stan*ford Law School Graduation Weekend

Background Way back in 2001, I had not really spent a significant amount of time with my future in-laws, so A’s law school graduation was the first time I had ever seen them for more than a few hours at a stretch. About two years earlier, MeiMei(A’s younger Sister) had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when she had a significant psychotic break. Subsequently, A’s dad (FIL) received the same diagnosis after about 30 years of weird behavior. A’s mom (MIL) has never received a diagnosis, but a few seem pretty obvious to me. JieJie (A’s older sister) was in medical school at the time.

The weekend began when we picked FIL up at the airport. FIL had just arrived on a long flight from Taiwan, where he was living at the time. A and I drove FIL to the hotel where we had rented rooms for the whole gang. FIL never says much, but living in Taiwan had a negative impact on the clarity of his English

Once we got to the hotel, FIL started acting kind of strange. He was walking across the room when he just kind of toppled over. Usually, FIL kind of shuffles due to the medication he is on, but he seemed kind of drunk. After a bit of probing, A determined that FIL had accidentally overmedicated himself due to the 10 hour time difference between the US and Taiwan. Unfortunately we didn’t have any time to worry about this because we had to go pick MIL and MeiMei up at the airport.

A and I drove to the airport to pick up MIL and MeiMei. I waited in the car while A went to find them in the baggage claim area. When A finally came out, MIL was wearing a pair of men’s aviator sunglasses even though it was pitch black outside. MeiMei was a wreck, she looked like she hadn’t taken a shower in about two weeks and her hair was a strange shade of faded green. In addition to the full punk rock ensemble she was wearing, MeiMei had also gotten a lot more tattoos since the last time I saw her. She had a full sleeve on one arm and her name in LARGE Chinese characters on the back of her neck in addition to a number of others sprinkled around her body. MIL and MeiMei were arguing loudly. Once they got in the car, A asked MIL why she was wearing sunglasses.

MIL explains that THREE days before she arrived she had plastic surgery. I looked a little closer. Yup. Even in the dark I could see that MIL’s whole face was swollen. She had some sort of face lift, in addition to having her eyes done. Underneath a layer of very thick pancake makeup, her whole face was tinged with bluish green bruises.
A, very aware of MIL’s financial problems, asks her where she got the money for the surgery. MIL says she used the money that JieJie gave her for MeiMei’s art school tuition. A gets very angry. MeiMei starts bitching from the back seat. We grab some take out and drop them off at the hotel. We escape to our apartment.

The next morning, Stan*ford had a number of events planned for the graduates and their families. We went to the hotel to pick everyone up. MIL and FIL have been divorced for at least 10 years and don’t really like each other very much. A manages to round everyone up from there respective hotel rooms (we had rented 3), and gets them in the car. All five of us cram into A’s tiny car for the 45 minute drive.

Once we get to Stan*ford, MIL and FIL want to go sightseeing before we go to the organized events. So we start walking around the Stan*ford campus. I should mention at this point that in the light of day, MIL’s face looks very weird. The makeup doesn’t really match her normal complexion, she is still wearing the men’s sunglasses, and the artificial front tooth she usually wears looked especially fake. MIL was also wearing a long sleeveless dress—so long that it required her to wear two-inch heels so that it wouldn’t drag on the ground. A’s sister had declined a shower and was wearing ripped up tights, platform tennis shoes and a very holey sweater. Now, I used to wear some pretty crazy outfits myself, but a shower wouldn’t have killed her.

As we start walking around campus, I realize that the group is not staying together. MIL, FIL and MeiMei are all wandering in completely different directions. All of them have cameras. All of them are taking pictures of completely random crap. Statues. Buildings, nothing really interesting. MIL begins complaining about how she deserves some money from FIL’s inheritance. FIL refuses to talk at all. MeiMei keeps wandering off. Trying to get from point A to point B with this group is like trying to herd cats. MIL also starts complaining about how her feet hurt in the heels, but we are too far from the car to do anything about it. And she is cold, because it is COLD in northern California and she is dressed for LA. So we go and buy a Stan*ford sweatshirt at the bookstore, which actually makes MIL look even more silly than she did before.

Eventually, we make it to the fancy-shmancy law school reception at the art museum. A wants to mingle with his friends, but FIL and MeiMei want to look at the art. I volunteer to stay with them so A can see his friends. FIL and MeiMei both start drinking the free beer. MeiMei sticks out like a sore thumb in the punk outfit. Both are on serious anti-psychotic meds that should not be mixed with alcohol. MIL is still bitching at silent FIL. FIL’s face is quickly developing Asian redface from the drinking. After 20 minutes, FIL wants to go back to the hotel. So we get A and go.

The next morning, we were supposed to pick JieJie up from the airport. Up until this point, I was waiting and waiting for that moment. JieJie is great. And she handles the family like a pro. Well, the morning of the graduation, we get a call from her. One of her patients was on death’s door and she missed her flight. No JieJie. I think my mental scream of horror could be heard all the way in Florida.

A had to go to school early for the graduation, so it was up to me to pick the family up and transport them. I was running late, so I called to make sure everyone was up and ready. MIL said they would be waiting for me. When I arrived at the hotel, MIL and FIL were having a screaming argument in the hotel lobby. MeiMei was still in bed. I tried to get MIL to wake MeiMei up, but she was busy arguing. I had to pound on MeiMei’s door until she woke up. I also had to ask her to wear the clothes A had picked out of my closet for her, in an attempt to have her look semi-normal for the graduation. MeiMei sullenly agrees only to wearing a cardigan sweater. She wears the same clothes she slept in and does not take a shower.

I herd the group into the car and no one is speaking. The whole 45 minute ride, no one says a single word. We get to the graduation at the last possible minute.

I should also mention that A’s father brings along the 18 X 20 framed picture that he has given to A as his graduation present. The gift is a photo taken by FIL of orchids. This could be a nice gift, but the picture was taken IN THE STORE and the pink orchids have visible LARGE RED Chinese price tags hanging on them. They are not pictures that we can hang on our wall. FIL will not leave the photos in the car. He carries them, frames and all, to the ceremony.

During the graduation, a letter is read from our friend Jay who had spent time in Cambodia with us who was unable to attend the graduation. Mentioning both A and myself by name, e says his most memorable law school moment is the time when Jay, A and myself were arguing with the Cambodian police who had kidnapped our friend. The friend was a Cambodian prostitute and she was taken away by the cops as we all rode home on scooters from a bar one night. Our arguments didn’t get her back. When we finally found her later, we learned that she had been gang raped by the police.

The mention of this incident was totally unexpected during the ceremony. Remembering it, I immediately teared up and tried to shrink in my seat. MIL, hearing my name and A’s name, pointed right at me. She loudly exclaimed “Hey! That’s YOU she is talking about!” I wanted to disappear.

After the ceremony, there was a luncheon. FIL and Mei Mei spent the whole time trying to cram as many of the free sandwiches as possible into every pocket and bag we had. MIL and FIL were still not speaking. MeiMei was beginning to lose it and was bitching loudly about how A didn’t respect her individuality because he wanted her to wear my clothes. She also started loudly talking about how lawyers are the scum of the earth. We were surrounded by newly minted lawyers and their families. After the longest half hour, we left.

Honestly, I think that weekend was the longest 72 hours of my life. As I am typing this, I remember more and more horrifying details – how FIL ate 4 oranges and dripped juice all over his only dress shirt right before we went to the art museum, how MIL wiped her very makeup-y face on my new towels, how SIL gave A a T-shirt that said “professional asshole” as a graduation gift and I am wondering if it can possibly be funny to read about it to other people. I think I have taken the “it is so painful it is funny” approach with A’s family. If I didn’t I think I would lose my ever loving mind.