Warning: This post has even more than my usual high level of profanity. Look away if you are easily offended.
I had to stop posting before because I was all pissed off all over again. I still am. The thing is that this situation with MIL makes me sound petty and mean.
I mean, really, what is $50 a month to us? It is nothing in the grand financial scheme of things. But it is more than that. Even if we give them a little money (or a lot for that matter), it won’t change their lives at all. They will still be a mess and the money will disappear into the vortex of their chaos.
In addition to the uselessness of it all, the fucking attitude of self-righteous entitlement drives me freaking batty. I don’t know why I am surprised because it is no different than the way she acted when she asked us to clean out her crap hole of a house. She is still pissed at us because in the ton of garbage we spent three days removing, we threw out an old broken lamp that she liked.
MIL tried to lay some bullshit guilt trip on A about how her co-workers send $200 each month back to their families in the Phillipines, so why can’t A just be a dutiful son like they are? If she wanted her children to show all the proper Taiwanese-style filial piety she should have freaking raised him in TAIWAN where he may have actually had some extended family members who could have sheltered him and his sisters from MIL & FIL’s fucking INSANITY when they were poor defenseless little kids. She made that bed by moving to this country and being a terrible parent and now she is just going to have to lie in it.
I swear, the first person who sends me a comment about how maybe I am not being culturally sensitive enough because in MIL’s culture it is expected that the children will support their parents will be BANNED FOR LIFE from commenting here. Because no one is trying to be respectful of MY CULTURE for Christ’s sake.
I didn’t even go through all the ways she took advantage of us in one brief 6 hour visit this weekend:
For one thing, A’s older sister’s baby shower is in two weeks. Who do you think paid for the gift from MIL to older SIL? Yeah, that would be us ($90). Did I mention that SIL & MIL ordered a massive quantity of food when we went out to dinner? Some extra dishes just to "take home for P" ($100 for four adults to eat and 7 FULL BOXES of leftovers none of which were offered to US.). Then when A finally took SIL to the grocery store, she got pissed that he wouldn’t buy her organic milk and organic specialty frozen vegatables! WTF? He spend more money on her than we spend on ourselves ($120).
The thing that pisses me off the most is that M is going to end up paying the price for MIL’s inability to behave in an appropriate manner. The way MIL exploited a visit with M to pump us for money is inexcusable. The way she ignored M because she was pouting because we said no was also really fucking pathetic.
M loves MIL, but if she pushes her luck too far, we won’t have much of a choice but to cut back on our visits for our own sanity. It makes me really fucking sad that she can’t find a way to act like a normal person for M’s sake.
This is the last I am going to post about this, but I had to get it all out so I don’t go ballistic and scream it all at A who really can’t be held responsible and is angry/sad enough in his own right.
/rant
Tomorrow it will be all sunshine and butterflies around this blog again.
You have every right to be angry. Where does it end? I have only been reading your blog for a few weeks and haven’t delved into the archives. If A’s other sister is nice and sane, is it possible to try to see only the whole family? Distance can be a good thing.
I don’t blame you for being angry about any of this. It sounds like A’s Mom has some serious issues that I think anyone would have a hard time dealing with. Everyone needs to rant sometimes and you damn well better be able to on your own blog!
You are doing better than I would be. Distance will probably end up being the answer. As a matter of fact, you might create some distance before this blows up even worse.
This may sound weird, but we found this system that we use with our kids called Love and Logic. The site is just loveandlogic.com. What works to keep us sane in our house full of foster kids who’ve lived their lives on the edge might help with your MIL who acts like a child.
You are doing better than I would be. Distance will probably end up being the answer. As a matter of fact, you might create some distance before this blows up even worse.
This may sound weird, but we found this system that we use with our kids called Love and Logic. The site is just loveandlogic.com. What works to keep us sane in our house full of foster kids who’ve lived their lives on the edge might help with your MIL who acts like a child.
Hang tough. MIL is a tough nut to crack and the moment any weakness is shown, she’ll exploit it. I think I speak with some level of understanding here.
You’ve got the right attitude and you are right, it’s not the $50…it’s symbolic of what they want the day and weeks after you cave.
I don’t even know how you put up with it at this point. There is no reason to continue the relationship on HER level….bring it to the level you want, and if she continues to pout the whole time, then don’t allow the visits…..ARGH. I hate family crap!
I am Filipino and my parents don’t take advantage of me in that way. They go out of their way to do things for us and get awfully embarrassed when we do things for them (especially when monetary in nature).
So the whole, “this is a cultural issue” may have some slight truth to it, but you know what, it’s not good enough and filial piety does not assume that it is your right as a parent to make any demands other than having your child’s respect.
*sigh* some people. It’s in-laws, totally in-laws.
Taking it out on her grandchild is inexcusable. It makes me want to smack her. Also, I do not get why you should support a boyfriend you have not met? Also, she spent SIL’s school money on a facelift, and now she wants you to buy her groceries? It makes my head hurt. You don’t seem petty to me at all!
She sounds exactly like my (late) MIL. I threw out my back when moving her to a smaller home. Sadly, the only way I could maintain a relationship with her, thus a relationship between her and my 2-year-old daughter was in short, highly structured visits.
Tell her this isn’t Taiwan or the Phillippines, it’s America. Tell her that it is YOUR decision how to spend your money and how to give help. No one gets to tell you how you will do either of those things.
You know that SIL and her BF can’t support themselves. Rather than enable them/prop them up, they need to find their own way.
You are right, it’s not about the $50, it’s about the purpose. You are right to stand up and set this limit.
I agree with others that distance will probably be your answer. You will get M “enough” time with her grandmother, don’t worry.
Frankly I’d want to tell MIL to take the rugs, sell them, and use that money to help the kids. See how she feels about parting with cash that’s in her own hand.
Sorry to read all this. I run a food pantry in my spare time, and I come across this type of personality quite a bit. Never give money or even gift cards/certificates. If I were you, I would call the local food bank and ask for a list of local food pantries. Give them the list the next time they complain. (Then prepare for the griping about generic peanut butter.)
I can’t imagine anyone reacting any differently than you have to your MIL. I got a little mad just reading about your situation. I can’t stand anyone with that sense of entitlement your MIL seems to have. Or anyone that manipulative. Stand strong by your ground rules.