Today on my way home from work, I heard this story on NPR about a Neila Johnson, a teen mother who overcame the odds to graduate from NYU and get a MSW from the University of Michigan.
"People say I should be proud because of what I’ve accomplished as a teenaged mom," Johnson said last week. "It’s so hard to live with everyone else’s low expectations."
The NPR story, while focusing on Johnson’s achievements, rubbed me the wrong way. Says Desiree Cooper, "What did she expect, applause? To foolishly risk her future, shame on her! On the other hand, how long SHOULD we PUNISH teen moms in order to make examples of them?"
How long should we punish them? How about we respect their right to make a choice about their bodies, their children and their future? Who are we to say that she risked her future? Teen moms make choices (just like the rest of us) and they live with the consequences of their actions every day.
My mom was a teen mom. I was born when she was 17 years old. For what it’s worth, my dad was a teen dad too (but you rarely hear about the shame that they face, eh?). He was 19 when I was born. The got pregnant, got hitched and moved into a trailer on my grandpa’s farm land. It was a blueprint for a life of hardship. Except for them, it wasn’t.
Was it easy for my parents? No it wasn’t, but they managed. Both my parents graduated from college (though my mom delayed school, working as a bank teller until my dad graduated). They gave up their young adulthood — the college parties, social lives, freedom — to be parents. GREAT parents. They struggled to balance their school work, jobs and families. They learned to ask their families for help and fortunately my grandparents (though judgemental of my mom) stepped in when an extra hand was needed.
I believe my mom was forever marked by the shame of being a teen mom. By her mother’s disappointment, her in-laws disapproval, and the gossip in the small town where she lived. Because she felt judged, she was always careful that my sister and I looked well-groomed so people couldn’t criticize her. Each evening she would painstakingly iron our clothes (even the jeans!), our shoes were polished and our outfits were always perfectly coordinated. Our hair was emaculate: braided, brushed and trimmed within an inch of our lives (my aching scalp was no match for her high standards).
I think, she always made sure she worked EXTRA HARD to make sure that my sister and I had everything we deserved. She drove us 30 minutes each way several nights a week so we could take piano, dance, and gymnastics lessons in the closest city. We did girl scouts, 4H, art classes. We played sports and my parents attended almost every game.
My mom was luckier than many teen moms because she married my dad (my dad was pretty lucky to have married her too!). They managed to combine their resources and stayed married. During my lifetime (all 29 years of it), I have seen my parents crawl their way up the socioeconomic ladder. They were both born into blue collar/working class families and are now successful upper-middle class professionals.
Did they risk their futures by having me? Maybe it was a risk. It was certainly a tougher row to hoe than it would have been if they had been unencumbered by children, but they did it.
Should my mom be punished and shamed her entire life because she chose the path she did? It is a ridiculous question. Of course she shouldn’t be ashamed for loving her children and making the sacrifices she did to raise us to be healthy, happy, productive members of society.
Should we make an example of her? I think the answer to that is clear: My mom and Neila Johnson are shining examples of how a teen moms can overcome the odds and succeed. What better example is there than that? Maybe young mom’s don’t take the same path, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good parents.*
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*If you know any young mothers, you should send them directly to Girlmom. It is a place where they can find a community of other young women who are parenting and doing it well despite the conventional wisdom that they will fail.
*Please note: I will not tolerate ANY negative comments about welfare moms, single parents, drug addicts etc. I am not in the mood today for that kind of stereotypical bullshit. Such comments will be deleted and the commenter banned. You all can write that garbage in your own space, not mine. Not that I expect comments like that from my normally well-behaved commenters, but in case there was any question in your mind about where I stand, there you go.
I listened to the same piece on NPR this evening, and it made me sick. My two closest friends (since third and fifth grade, respectively) both gave birth to children when we were all seniors in high school. Both went on to complete college, one married the baby’s father, and they are amazing, caring mothers. They struggled, and I remember many nights of pizza and long talks in whisper voices because a baby was sleeping nearby…but they did it, and did it with class. That report infuriated me, and I guess I don’t have much else to say except thank you, for posting about it. I merely stewed and vented.
Take care,
Amanda
{{{clap clap clap clap clap}}}
Good.
Sing it sister.
Right on. And thanks for lumping single moms in there with the you won’t tolerate crap list. I feel like I am looked down on for being a single mom quite often.
We all tend to live up to people’s expectations of us – why should teen parents be any different? Like you said, maybe our expectations – not teenagers’ choices – are the problem.
Beautifully said.
Amen.
I’m glad I didn’t hear that NPR report. I don’t need to hear anything else to make me furious today.
Also, I’d like to echo cubbiegirl: Thanks for including single moms on your No Bashing list. I’m halfway in that situation right now, and I’m already feeling the sting.
You are a very lucky lady.
Saw your de-lurking on Homesicks blog and thought I would stop by.
I too am married to a wonderful Chinese man, except mine is from Shanghai. You are the first blogger I have come across with a Chinese American family.
I love your note at the end by the way. You go girl!
Fantastic post. I’m so glad to have found your blog.
One of my best friends was a teen Mom at 14. She’s now a successful lawyer, raising two children.
Oh, and the kid she had at 14 is a wonderful, well-adjusted young man.
Excellent post Amber. Another fine entry on thinking about stereotypes.
Delurking to say that when I started grad school, there was a girl in my lab who was a teen mom at 15. She (the girl in my lab) got her Ph.D. in biochemistry at age 26. Sure, teen moms have it harder. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t think that. Does that mean they can’t be fantastic parents and have great careers? Absolutely not. (FWIW, the girl in my lab got married a year later and had another baby. Her oldest child is now in high school, a high-achiever, and a fantastic young woman.)
I’m so glad I didn’t hear the story on NPR because I would have had to yell at the radio.
My mom was also a teenage mom, married to my just-out-his-teens dad. Their marriage ended when I was not quite a year old (my sister was 2 and a half). My mom was then a single mom at the ripe old age of 22. She has her flaws, but she was similar to yours in that we were always clean, well-dressed, and she got us involved in any activity we were interested in — softball, ballet, swimming, choir, whatever. It was not easy, but she kept it together and I think she did a damn fine job, personally.
Thanks for the post. I love your writing.
And, you know…after looking at my family, sometimes I wonder if staying single for a while wouldn’t have benefited my mom. I had a great childhood, but I think she’s got questions about what she would have become if she hadn’t taken the path she did.
Because she felt judged, she was always careful that my sister and I looked well-groomed so people couldn’t criticize her.
Your upbringing sounds like it was great preparation for transracial adoption. This is one thing I try to do for my 5 yo daughter because people of color have told me that appearance can make or break social interactions for kids of color, especially if there is some other way they stand out, like having white parents. (I know this is true on some level for all kids, but my impression is that for POC, there is less room to negotiate appearance before the stereotypes kick in and cause harsher judgments.)
Interestingly she does not want to stand out, she wants to look nice, but not too nice. So we strike deals about what that means. Lately she is in her jeans and sweats period.
I can remember a friend saying she had groomed and dressed her son very carefully once for a plane trip, because she knew people would give a cute kid a break.
My cousin became a mom at 15, she married and was divorced at 19. She put herself through college (with lots of help from her parents) and remarried at 26 and had her second child at 34. She became a grandma at 35. Has her life been easy, no. But ultimately she ended up in a good place and so did her daughter. It wasn’t easy, but it was right for her.
Wow, you could have been tlaking about my parents in that story! My Mum was also 17 and my Dad 19 when I was born, and I had much the same upbrining you did. We were dirt poor growing up, but somehow my parents managed to send us to private school (being poor meant the state school in our area was the most disadvantaged in the state). Both my parents went to university and are professionals now, who are doing amazingly well.
Then I had a baby at 19 (and had to listen to everyone say I should have known better because of my parents – of course my parents never thought that), my husband and I got married, have somehow managed to buy a small house. Our son is 4 1/2 now, and our daughter is 2. My husband just got his conveyancers registration this week, and I found out yesterday I got into the post-graduate course of my dreams.
What I hate is that people are always asking me how old I am – I was always under the impression that it is rude to ask someone else their age, but I guess when you want to be judgemental, it is ok.
Thanks for this post, it was brilliant.
I also heard that story and it touched my heart. I have gotten a small taste of what it must be like to have the prejudice of being a teenage mother when I used to babysit little kids and take them to the park our out to a diner and I’d get That Look. I admire women who suceed when so many people expect them to fail.
I’m not sure if you are familiar with the TV show Gilmore Girls, it’s about a former teenage mother who grows up to be a sucessful business woman. Although the quality of the show isn’t what it used to be, I think it did a great job of showing that being a teenage mother doesn’t condemn someone to a life of misery.
And I’m glad both you and NPR pointed out the inequity of teenage fathers who don’t always get the bad rep or the same responsiblities. I remember hearing a story about a teenage mother who was not allowed to walk at her own graduation because she was a mother, even though the father of her baby was also in the graduating class and was allowed to walk.
My mom was a teen mom, having my sister at 18. My mom worked her way up to be very successful in the business world. She always regretted never having the chance to go to college, but I don’t think she would have traded us for college!
She also made sure we looked immaculate and that we got a chance to go to college. My sister and I both have master’s degrees now.
I am a single, disabled mom, and although don’t recieve a welfare check per se, I do get SCHIP for the kid’s insurance. I, too, go out of my way to make sure the kids are well dressed, happy, involved in activities, etc. partly because of fear of being judged. And yeah, it is rediculous the amount of mom bashing that goes on with hardly any dad bashing.
Great post and website!
I’m so glad you wrote about that commentary. I was so frustrated with the author and angry at NPR for putting her on. The only positive spin I could put on it was that perhaps people who are similarly prejudiced would listen more to her thoughts on not punishing teen mothers (for too long, anyway) than an actual voice of reason.
My grandmother, her oldest daughter (my aunt), and my cousin were all wonderful teen moms. In fact I may have been the first woman on that side of the family to reach the ripe old age of 26 without having a kid.
It occurred to me one day that, guess what? teenaged women have been giving birth and raising children since the beginning of time, quite literally. All that changed is our culture’s notion of how old a person has to be before they’re considered a responsible adult. There’s no welcoming place in the adult world for teenagers, and THAT is why being a teenaged parent is so hard.
Some of the harshest criticism I`ve heard of teen moms comes from people who are also staunchly opposed to abortion. Of course, what these people really oppose is teen sex/pregnancy, but once a young woman conceives, it seems as if she`s “damned” in their eyes, no matter what choice she makes. And I`m sure many decide to abort, just to avoid the more public “To foolishly risk her future, shame on her!” criticism.