Oh, you all think you can cling to the adoption related posts to avoid reading more gross stuff about A. Believe me, I am going to tell you about his weird feet and gross neck thing sooner or later. I may even take a picture of my ear wax spelunking get-up if my husband would ever come home from work already.
Also, I am not sure why you all pick the one topic that is guaranteed to offend you. I said right there in the intro that I am going to make fun of people who dress their kids in those outfits, so consider yourselves warned. You don’t have to agree with me. Here goes….
I have a problem with white adoptive parents who dress their Chinese kids in "traditional" silky clothes. There. I said it. But there are a few caveats: I am less concerned about wearing them to a CNY celebration (if it is customary in the Chinese community where the family lives and other people are doing it too), FCC type events (where everyone else is wearing them though I think it is a joke to consider that to be a taste of "chinese culture") or if the kid is old enough to select the clothes themselves*.
When it especially bothers me is when the parents dress their kids in those clothes and then go traipsing through events/activities where NO ONE else is wearing clothes like that. Actual examples of places I have noticed this happening:
- At the Asian Festival where the vast majority of people we wearing t-shirts and jeans. A and I counted the number of people wearing "traditional" Asian clothes (we excluded the performers of all types) and there was at least a 10:1 ratio (we saw 10 adopted kids for every one non-adopted kid dressed up like that). We also weren’t sure how to categorize the white dad working at the Adopt from Vietnam booth who was wearing a cone-shaped hat in our counting. (More on this later)
- At a local Chinese community performance. The only people (again, besides the performers on stage) dressed in chinese silks etc. were adopted Chinese kids. They stuck out like a sore thumb.
- At a toddler function (no identifiers here because I don’t want to point fingers at a specific person) where no other kid was adopted or wearing anything other than regular clothes.
The Asian Festival was where I found the situation to be particularly annoying. I mean, we live in the Midwest. While there is actually a sizeable Asian population here, they tend to be dispersed throughout a number of different suburbs so there is rarely an opportunity for such population density. At the Asian festival (which is huge and has about 50,000 visitors over the weekend), you can’t swing a cat without hitting an Asian face.
Taking adopted kids to the Asian Festival should be a GREAT opportuntity for them to be in the majority for once. So why, then, would white parents dress them in clothing that would noticably separate them from the rest of the of the people there and draw attention to them in one of the few venues where they blend in? Why do they feel the need for the costume to demonstrate their kid’s ethnic heritage?
Here is a picture from the Asian Festival that might give an idea of the typical way kids dress. There are a bunch of kids there of Asian heritage and none of them are wearing a costume.:
As I said in the original topic description, I know this is probably more about me and my issues than it is about other people. While I am also going to be a White adoptive parent of a Chinese kid, sometimes I think that my experience is going to be VASTLY different than a family with two white parents. So what, exactly, are my issues?
Well, I think the problem is that I have gotten pretty damn comfortable in my particular family. Right now, we aren’t especially conspicuous. We live in a part of town where mixed race families are not that uncommon (yay!). There is also a good number of Asians in this part of the city. So when we are out together, most of the time (though not always), no one pays much attention to us.
I am also pretty comfortable being one of the few white faces in majority-Asian places (which wasn’t always the case). I am comfortable with the balance of cultures in our family, with the amount of effort we are putting into creating a balance (chinese lessons, finding a school with Asian kids etc), and with talking about these things without being embarrassed**. I feel like we are comfortably able to move back and forth without stepping on toes or drawing too much attention to ourselves or to M (the most important thing). In the past couple years, we’ve done a lot of work to find our comfort zone. (I think I just said comfort or comfortable about 1,000 times there). I like where we are right now.
So if I am so darn comfortable, why does the adoptive families dressing their kids so conspicuously bother me? I think it is because it makes me embarrassed FOR them and for their kids (because it is so clumsy and conspicuous) and it makes me (as a fellow whitey) embarrassed to be affiliated with them. I am not going to go on and on about why it embarrasses me because this post is increasingly not that much fun for me to write.
I will take a minute to touch on the comments that came with the votes though.
- I don’t wear chinese themed clothing because it would make me uncomfortable. It smacks of cultural appropriation to me so I just don’t do it. If we lived in a place (say china or taiwan) where EVERYONE wore it, I probably would as a way of being less conspicuous. Of course, we don’t so I don’t wear it.
- We do sometimes dress M in the very outfits I am ridiculing. Why? Because my MIL or other relatives give them to us***. We usually only put them on her when MIL is around becuase it makes her happy. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I read Liz’s comment, but I think it is because I want my MIL to think that M is Chinese enough. So little of what we do makes her happy, so when we can do something small, we do it. We don’t put these clothes on M for normal dressy events (like my nieces baptism or weddings etc) because I don’t think there is any benefit to calling attention to her "chineseness" at someplace like that. She *IS* chinese. She doesn’t need a costume to accentuate it.
- I also think the appropriateness of the "traditional" clothes depends on the situation and the community involved. I have noticed that many white wives of Indian and Pakistani men wear saris or other traditional clothes to South Asian weddings/events/festivals. If we were Indian and that was the norm, heck yeah I would wear it and so would my kids. Also, if wearing traditional clothing was the norm in my family, I might think differently. Our wedding was very very casual and no one wore anything like that. If it had been important to A or his family, I probably would have worn a qi pao no matter how big my ass looked in it.
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I have noticed that it is almost always women or girls who wear the "chinese" outfits. I have only ever seen one little boy wearing a jacket (and a pic of A wearing one when he was little) and one adult. The adult was a friend of ours who wore a traditional robe at his VERY formal wedding. Next to the brides’ wedding dress, it was by far the most formal outfit there. The male guests all wore suits. I don’t know what I think about traditional clothes being only for women and girls, but it strikes me as weird too. (I know men of other Asian ethnicities where traditional clothes, but I am talking about Chinese men).
I am just going to end this now because there is no way for me to make this post more enjoyable or funny. It is just making me tired. Maybe I will have something more entertaining later.
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*To be clear, I am not bitching about kids who are old enough to choose their own clothing because I 100% believe in a kid’s right to self expression (says the girl who graduated from high school wearing pumas and magenta hair). Once a kid is old enought to select their own clothes, as long as it isn’t dangerous or too whorish, I say have at it. If people look at them funny, they learn to take responsiblity for that choice. If it is ethnic clothing, then it is up to the kid to define their own ethnic identity and what it means at that point. We have a trunk of my MIL’s qi paos that are waiting for M and her futures sibling to do with as they please. If she inherits even one tenth of my genes, M will only be able to wear those dresses when she is about 9-10 years old because MY family’s hips are not EVER going to fit in those things once puberty hits.
**I used to feel like Asian parents would think we were dumb for putting so much effort into giving M such structured exposure to Chinese stuff in addition to just having her hang around A’s family. The more parents I talk to, I realize they are thinking about the same kind of things and trying to find the same balance. It isn’t just my whitey influence making us overcompensate.
***These pretty much only make their showing at CNY. MIL did give us one outfit that was obviously for summer but it was covered in sequins and fringe and was a halter top. M would have looked like a go-go dancer/hooker so she never wore that one.
Y’know, you don’t have to be funny all the time, so don’t worry about it.
The thing that got me at our local CNY festival was the family of five with one little adopted Chinese girl, about 2. One person of the 5 was dressed in traditional Chinese clothing…guess who. My problem with it is that she did, indeed, stick out like a sore thumb (none of the Asian kids were in traditional Chinese costume). Some adult adoptees on a list I’m on hate, hate, hate the tendency of Caucasian adoptive parents dressing their kids up; they feel like it’s putting the kids on display.
I personally am more likely to try & find non-traditional Asian-style clothing for both me and the dotter. Shoot me: I don’t really like cheongsams; they look distinctly uncomfy, and no little girl is going to learn to be a Mulan, running and jumping, while wearing one. The ao di (Vietnamese) looks much more comfy, as it has pants and slits up the sides, so running & jumping would be allowed.
I agree completely with everything you said. I just get SO embarrassed for those parents who think that is the thing to do- and sad for the kid for having dumbass parents.
Interesting.
I think your discomfort (with the white parents who seem to be trying too hard to show their child’s ethnicity) goes along with something I read in “Adopting After Infertility.” To paraphrase, there are two extremes in the spectrum of how parents deal with the fact that their child was adopted: 1. They totally ignore the fact that their child was adopted and don’t talk about it or address their birth family/culture, or 2. They go overboard in expressing the fact that their child is not biologically related to them, constantly talking about the adoption and pointing out the differences… maybe even thinking they are promoting multiculturalism or adoption awareness by doing so. Neither extreme is good, obviously; there needs to be a middle ground.
Omegamom,
Have you seen the clothes at http://www.gingerandscallion.com
They have Asian inspired styles that are understated and tasteful.
I’m with you on this one. For CNY, we got outfits while in China…for all three of us. If one’s going to wear it, so are the rest of us. They only come out of the closet for one dinner a year, and that’s enough.
For the record, I saw three or four little boys dressed up at a banquet too (but no, their parents weren’t!). Plus, several Chinese women asked if A was a boy (grrr), so maybe that counts too?
I actually agree with most of what you said. When I dress my kids and believe me they both have say so and have had since they were 2 in Chinese traditional silk it is for our FCC Chinese New year party. All our other activities need more comfortable clothes for the kids to play in. I may have some Asian inspired cotton clothes but they do not look like the traditional clothes. For the OCA, YOCA and Chinese Culture weekend activities again unless they are performing then they wear clothes for comfort. However in the case of my kids Baptisms they wore traditional Chinese because I wanted their culture present. I do know a family that got their daughter to wear a Chinese inspired silk dress for First Communion. My daughter, no way, that would make her too different and right now it is all about being the same at 7.
I have to agree with you about the discomfort…although I have to agree with you about the inconsistencies too. My sister (family is all white) has begun celebrating CNY and dressing her children in “vaguely” asian clothing ever since we told her we are adopting. She never did these things before even though my DH is Japanese and two of our nieces are Korean. It bugs me to no end. What’s up with that???
I agree with almost everything you said. I would cringe if I saw an adopted Asian kid dressed in traditional clothes at one of those events.
The only time we have dressed our daughter in Korean clothes was at her first birthday party, and then only because it’s traditional in Korean culture. I don’t own Korean clothes, but I considered wearing a hanbok at my wedding, again because it’s traditional. I don’t think that’s cultural appropriation.
I would totally cringe at the Chinese clothing at the festival only. Do they think of it as a Halloween costume, to be worn once a year? Is the child “Chinese For a Day”?
I think it should always be the child’s choice to wear this stuff, since it can be attention-getting and the child may not desire the attention.
I am waiting for the offense part…
um, offensive…
I must have missed it, as what you wrote made a lot of sense.
FYI- one of the CNY’s parties we attended was thrown by fellow travelmates who are Chinese American. Everyone was wearing traditional costume except for most of the men. My husband wore a costume (shirt) and our friend teased him. So, yeah, gender seems to play a role.
Yeah, you only made sense.
(It almost was like you were being light in the first paragraph
)
It seems to me that anything that leads to extra differences relative to the norms could be bad. I do wonder a bit about how heterogeneity in the kids’ personalities play into this. But I guess you cover that in ‘when they are old enough to choose.’ For me, we want to give our daughter enough self-confidence so that she can choose herself what makes sense for her, when the right time comes.
/ramble
I agree that there was nothing offensive in the post.
I plan on my daughter wearing the traditional dresses occasionally. Stress occasionally. And if anyone calls her a china doll while she is dressed like that I will punch them in the nose or at least glare.
Totally reasonable and hard to argue with. I think it comes down to context and intent, the roots of which may reveal appropriateness, or complete INappropriateness.
And I am at times debilitated by feelings of surrogate embarrassment for people I don’t even know.
This has always bugged me too. We did dress our daughter in an outfit bought in China at a local FCC event, where almost all the kids were. But when people do this at every day events, and when they adorn their homes with Asian tchotchkes and think they are adopting the culture, I cringe. Cheri Register has a great chapter on this in her new book – I believe she also uses the term cultural appropriation. Good chapter on the perils of keeping our kids “exotic” too.
Loved the post! Well reasoned and very reasonable.
Delurking here, because just this week, I went into my 4-yo son’s pre-K class dressed in my Korean hambok (and my son in his) to talk about Korean New Year traditions.
My parents immigrated here from Korea, but I was born and raised here, and have never set foot in Asia. My husband white, so our two kids are mixed race.
I’ve also noticed that it’s always the girls and women who dress in the traditional clothing. I hardly ever saw men in hambok as I was growing up — they would always wear western-style suits. Not sure what’s up with that.
It’s hard to find the right balance. My parents worked really hard to make sure my brothers and I grew up American, but that means I feel somewhat at a loss about my cultural heritage. It seems that those adoptive parents are going to the extreme in the other direction — trying too hard to emphasize their children’s cultural roots.
I agree, but I really thought that I was the only one who felt that way.
I have a comment on Astra’s comment. It is very hard to decide what is enough and what is too much. When both parent’s are white and the child is of a different race or culture. You want them to be proud of who they are without making them stick out like a soar thumb. Right now my 7 year old just wants to be the same whatever that is. I have a friend who is Korean and is married to a white guy. She is not teaching her children her language which she speaks fluently. I have asked her why several times and she just thinks its a hassle. In my opinion it will be a great loss for those kids. But who knows. You can do everything wrong by the book and have great kids and visa versa.
Mary, I couldn’t agree with you more. However, I think the one area where White parents seldom go in the extreme is having their child integrated with Asian people… either do to fear and/or opportunity.
Mary,
In my view, if you raise your kids in America, they will grow up to be Americans. That will happen regardless of how much other culture you try to instill in them. I don’t think there is anything wrong with not teaching them “your” language. I haven’t taught my kids Korean because I’m not very good at the language myself. My husband doesn’t know any Korean for that matter, either.
I think when people immigrate to America, they do it because they want to be Americans and embrace American culture. When American adopt from abroad, they see themselves as embracing a different culture. I think that’s why I’m so bad at Korean and why adopted kids get dressed up in traditional clothes.
o, yes.
Amber we have just hijacked your blog.
Astra I don’t think just because we have adopted that we have embraced the culture nor is that why we adopted from China. I just want to make sure that my daughters are comfortable in their skin and appreciate some of their culture. I would hate for them to dislike part of themselves.
Yes my daughters are completely American in everyway and I think their Chinese language teacher thinks they have been ruined by our American ways. However if a child has an opportunity to learn the language of their culture then in my opinion it is great opportunity and personally if that was withheld from me as a child as an adult I think I would be mad. That is why I would like to see my friend teach her chidren her language since she is fluent in Korean and what a great opportunity for those kids to easily become bi-lingual. Not to make them less an American.
. . . just delurking to say, “here, here!!” your thoughts and opinions make PERFECT sense. thanks for your honesty.
Jumping out of lurkdom to say RIGHT ON. It’s always bugged me too, but I never could explain why. Great post.
I couldn’t agree more. It seems so CONTRIVED. I mean, when I go to Scotland, I don’t see a bunch of kids running around in kilts and sporrans and if I were to, say, adopt from Scotland (not that this is possible – a simply hypothetical) it’s not like I am going to throw my kid in a kilt all the time.
Although having said that, I did buy one cheongsam for our local FCC’s CNY celebrations, where most of the kids will be dressed in traditional garb. And I have bought a ton of subtly Asian inspired clothing, quite simply because it is really cute.
I wonder, too, about why it`s msotly women who do the ethnic dress thing. But in the west, it`s the woman who gets married in THE DRESS, while the groom shows up in a rented tux, so maybe it`s the same everywhere. Women tend to like to dress up more.
When we lived in Tokyo, I dressed my sons up just as much as my daughter, in “yuakata.” The boys would even wear them as pajamas.
And I had to wear a kimono at my wedding reception in Kyoto because my husband`s father is a traditional craftsman in that particular industry.
But that`s just me. Everything you said makes sense, in the situations you described.
I have visited Hong Kong twice, both during Chinese New Year and guess what? Not one person in my husbands family dressed in traditional Chinese garb. All adults and kids wore their every day clothes and not what their ancestors would have worn thousands of years ago. I think the little kids outfits are cute and I wouldn’t mind dressing up my daughter for the appropriate setting, but these types of outfits are not really worn around anymore.
Mary,
Trust me, I know what it feels like to grow up not knowing my parents’ language. I very much wish I knew more Korean. But I also know that every parent makes decisions regarding how to raise their children that other people will disagree with, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
I am toying with the idea of sending my kids to Korean school when they are school age. And I also want them to participate in sports and music. But, I don’t want them to be over-scheduled, either. My husband and I both work full time, so it’s not like I have much time to teach them myself. So yes, teaching them Korean would be a big hassle for me. So I can understand your friend’s decision, even if I personally think that it might be worth the hassle.
Interesting subject for what I saw this weekend. As you know, we live in Los Angeles. Well, yesterday was the Dragon Parade with over 50,000 people attending. Our mayor, who is Latino, wore a traditional costume, as did African American, Asian, Latino and white kids. Is this appropraiting? Probably. But I have to say I thought it was pretty cool.
Hi! Lillian (Mama(e) In Translation) told me to check out your blog, because I an also a white woman with a Chinese husband. We have a son who will be 3 next month. Nice to see someone else like me online.
As for your post, I have to agree that it looks silly when adoptive parents dress their kids up in traditional clothing. I mean, I am completely for making kids aware of their heritage and all that, but clothes don’t have that much to do with it if the kids around them are wearing t-shirts and jeans.
Astra,
I too work full-time with my husband and very much have the same thing going on with over scheduling. I have often thought about letting her out of Chinese lessons which she is ambivalent about. But I keep thinking she will be angry at me when she is older which she probably will be no matter what.
Also my friend I am referring to is a stay at home Mom and of course it is her choice but I suggested that she speak Korean to them when she can during the day and English at night. But you are right we all make decisions about our kids that others would not. So really who am I to judge.
Mary
I sort of had the same reaction and wondered if it was just me. Eric got a little outfit when his uncle visited from China. It’s adorable, but you know, he’s an American kid. And even the parents we know who are from China don’t normally put those little outfits on their kids.
I would never wear one of those darling dresses myself, even though I’ve been to functions where the women do wear them, because of my big American-style boobs;-) Not a good look, by any means.
Every now and then I’ll get pictures in a mass-email from this friend. They are both white, they adopted a baby girl from China. Most if not all the pictures I receive shows the little girl in cheongsams. (Easter pictures – dressed in cheongsam holding a bunny… com on!) I want to reply and say something snarky – but refrain myself each time.
I don’t understand this urge of theirs to dress her like that. It seems like all.the.time.
It just feels wrong. to me. If you want your child/ren to learn their native culture, make sure your social circle has families of that origin, and not just families who adopted from the same country.