(Written by Chicagomama. Archived here with permission.)
If you are like most parents, naming is one of the fun “hard things” of becoming a parent. I remember combing through baby name books, websites and yahoogroup conversations weighing my different choices. I created exhaustive lists of personal favorites, which I would then cross reference with B.’s (in my view) unreasonable parameters for names.
When I first started to consider adoption from China, I briefly considered names such as Mae. That was about as exoticized as I got…and I quickly realized that I felt uncomfortable with that name. While I do love the name Mae (with that spelling) – I also realized that I hadn’t ever considered naming a child born to me Mae (at least I hadn’t up until then) – it was the relationship with the common (and very pretty) Chinese name “Mei” that I thought was somehow neat and cool*.
I got more uncomfortable while reading group such as APC and seeing how many families who worried about “over-emphasizing” their child’s cultural heritage were naming their children Asia, China, Aja, Chynna, Jade, Lotus**, Willow, Jasmine, Mei Lin, Meigon, Meizi***…yes,the list goes on and on of names that make me cringe, though feel free to add to it in the comment section.
Pretty quickly, I started wondering out loud why we were even talking about names. I mean, we knew that our daughter would have a name when she was matched with us. Why would/should we change it?
So, we tentatively decided to consider keeping our daughter’s given first name and adding a western middle name for her in case she wanted to use a more typically “American” name. We then decided on two western middle names (yup, we were one of those people) Beatrice Clare. I planned to call my second daughter Bebe or BB (depending on the moment – yes, we are big nickname people too).
Fast forward to referral day. Oh My! We have a beautiful baby girl! Oh My! She has a one-character given name (instead of the more traditional two-character name) in addition to her given surname. Oh My! She doesn’t look like a Beatrice AT ALL. Well, shit.
So, we were back to square one. And then we read the referral information and got a native Mandarin speaker to pronounce her name. In the referral report – it said in multiple places that Z. knew her name and responded to it. It is also a very beautiful name, which sounds pleasing to both the Chinese and American ear. It also has a wonderful meaning – and would not in any way mark her as an “orphan” by virtue of the name****.
So, we decided to “keep” Z.’s name in its entirety as her first name, added a family name as a middle name and our last name. I have never regretted this decision. Z. has the only thing we could make sure was hers both in China and here. She never had any confusion that some parents talk about when they re-name their children. And the name fits her. And it is pretty easy to pronounce for English speakers as well as Chinese speakers. At this point, I cannot really believe we ever considered changing her name.
Now…I am not trying to tell other people to do what we did. There are lots of ways to skin this cat, and I don’t think that our choice was somehow morally superior to other choices. I have to admit that I don’t know if we would have made the same choice if we didn’t have all those advantages I listed above. Even though I think we made a good choice, and it would have been a good choice -even without those advantages.
But back to the actual point of this post – how to address Names & Naming in a lifebook. What I decided to do was to separate the two sections chronologically and thematically withing the lifebook. So, I have a page on the name Z. was given in China (who gave it to her, why they picked this name and what the name means). I set this page up as a 2-page spread. On one side – her name is written in Chinese characters with the colloquial meaning of the characters together. On the other page is the text which explains the “backstory”.
So…it goes a little something like this:
**************************************************************
Director XXX XXX XXX named me XX XX.
XXXX was my surname. It is a non-traditional last name in China, but is surname given to all the children brought to the XXXX SWI. It means “XXX; XXX”.
XXX was the second character of my name. It means “XXX or XXX” and was the character given to each child brought to the SWI the year I was born.
XXXX was my first name. It is translated a couple of ways. It can be translated as “XXXX” and it can also be translated as “XXXXX”.
The Director chose this strong name as he hoped I would grow to be a smart and honorable young woman.
My nickname at the Orphanage was “XXX XXX”, my given name character repeated twice.
In China, nicknames are usually a person’s first name said twice. It is affectionate and loving and only used by close family members, or by someone like my Ayi.
***************************************************************
Now, later in the book I talk about the process we went through in order to come up with Z.’s (now) full legal name. I put it in the section having to do with what happened stateside after we received our referral but before B. traveled to China to meet Z. (which total, is 1 page of this book). Please remember that this is your child’s story, so while there is some information that will be helpful, useful and pertinent to them about what was happening on your side during this story – it should not consume a lot of the book.
Here is a sample of the kind of text we used:
**************************************************************
After my parents received their referral, lots of people asked what my name was, and after a lot of thought, my parents told them:
XXXXX YYYYYY ZZZZZZ
My parents chose to keep the given name bestowed upon me in China as my middle name and added the first name “XXXXXX”, after my paternal great-aunt, Deborah Eloise.
My parents thought my Chinese name was beautiful and believed it was very important to keep. At the same time, they wanted to give me a name that meant a lot to them and connected me to my new familial ancestors.
They hoped that this new name would help connect my past, present and future.
****************************************************************
Naming is such a personal decision…I think this is a great section for parents to be able to share their thoughts about what names meant to them (the parent) and how that affected their choices and decisions on what the child is now named. I think this is also a section where it might be a great idea to have space available for the child to talk about how their name makes them feel, or to be able to practice writing their name, or talk about what they wish their name was.
However attached we as parents are to the name we chose for our child, we need to give them space to process their feelings about that choice. Maybe your child will love their name, maybe they hate it. Maybe they will want to change it back to their original name, maybe they won’t. These pages can be a great jumping off point for them to bring up their feelings to you about their name – and how they identify themselves within the context of their names.
Next up: Life at the Social Welfare Institute or Foster Care.
* Yes, I am admitting how lame & typical I was when I first started out in this process. I did exhibit some pretty severe latent ladybugginess – which was thankfully almost fully excised by reading APC and listening to some of the amazing parents who take the time to share their experiences with those of us who were just starting out, reading the experiences of adult adoptees, further research and conversations with a very good friend of color. I have to admit she tore a big ole chunk of white privilege off my very clueless back when I started toward International Adoption. A very big thank you and shout out to you, April. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
** Yes, there is someone currently paperchasing for Lotus. Which I must admit I read as “locust” the first time I saw the signature line of that person’s posts. Dude – that is hands down just a shitty name to give to a child. And if you are gonna go for it – why not go for the whole kit and caboodle of Lotus Blossom? Don’t get all conservative on the naming at that point.
***Meizi (pronounced Maisie by Westerners choosing it for their Chinese children) bugs the shit outta me, because it would be pronounced May-Zhuh (rough pronunciation guideline) if it was spelled that way in Mandarin pinyin. Don’t get all cutesy with spelling your Chinese child’s name “chinese-y” when you clearly don’t even understand the first thing about how pinyin is pronounced. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Sorry for the tangent.
****There are many orphanages who choose a non-traditional character for the given surname of children residing at the SWI. There are very few surnames in China…and these non-traditional surnames very clearly mark these children as orphans. Since family and ancestral worship/reverence is a big part of Chinese culture…to be marked as an orphan can be quite a stigma.