Marla brought up an important point a couple of Lifebook posts ago.  When writing the text for any of the topics covered here - it is essential to take into account the age and personality of the child for whom you are writing. 

When I was writing Z.’s book - I purposely planned for this first Lifebook to cover only her life in China. However, I wanted this book to be one that she could read for several years without needing to “re-do” it.  So, in many 2-page spread places I have a page of long, explanatory text and a page with photos and short text comments.  While there is still more information for me to add to later books, there is nothing “missing” from her story that could be interpreted as an omission of essential fact later on. 

Sometimes when we read her lifebook - we read the long pages.  Sometimes, we read only the short text.  And sometimes, we just look at the pictures and talk about what she seems to be most interested in.  I put a TON of pictures of Z. into the book and she gets very excited seeing herself in a book. “Look, Look!” she will say, and it is then easy to talk about what is happening in that particular picture at that time.

So, in the long text I talk about each topic openly and in a fair amount of detail (good for children up to the age of 5-7).  The short text often touches on the issue of those pages, or makes some sort of factual comment of where the picture was taken, who is in it, etc.  And the pictures in her Lifebook are a mixture of personal pictures, pictures depicting China and life there, and some “conceptual” pictures - (pregnant woman, Asian couples/families, etc.).

Regarding hard topics like abandonment - yes, the word is in her lifebook.  However, it isn’t like I take special pains to focus on that page everytime we look at her book.  And it isn’t like we read the long text about abandonment every time we read/look through her book.  Sometimes we read about that fact that someone left her at XXX place.  Sometimes that leads to talking about that place.  Sometimes I talk very generally about the questions she might have about being left. 

Mind you, this is a lot of me talking, as Z. is only 2.  A lot of our “talks” are to get me comfortable with discussing these topics, and trying to figure out what interests Z. during our lifebook reads, and what she ignores or turns pages looking for me interesting stuff.  I would compare this to talking to your baby/toddler while grocery shopping: “ooh, I think that broccoli looks particularly tasty -do you think we should buy some?”.  For a really long freaking time - you might feel like an idiot walking throught the grocery store and asking your 6, 9, 15, 18 month old their thoughts and feelings about canned goods and produce.  However, if you keep at it - one day you will be rewarded with: “apple! want it!” and other conversation that makes grocery shopping a joint project from that moment forth.  Soon, you will have a child who is actively helping make the grocery list at home because they understand that there is an ongoing dialogue between the two of you regarding the food you eat and how you obtain it. 

I want that same type of dialogue to be possible when discussing Z.’s life in China, her adoption, her biological parents.

And therefore - I do think it was/is important to me (as a parent) to make sure that I am not finessing her story - at any point.  So, I chose to use the word abandon in her book, but I also chose not to put any “possible” reasons why she might have been abandoned there.  This is factual stuff - just like the question “what do you think of buying broccoli?”  If I make a yucky face when asking her about the broccoli - she will get the message that I think broccoli is bad, and may change her own mind about her liking broccoli - or at least think she shouldn’t like it, even is she can’t help but love the flavor.  If after asking if she likes broccoli and she says “no, I think it tastes awful” - I try to tell that broccoli is the food of the gods, and she should love broccoli and I don’t want to here anything but love when talking about broccoli - well, she will internalize that message as well.

For me, Z.’s first family is like broccoli.  However she feels about them is ok - love them, hate them, ambivalent, a mixture of all emotions.  But I don’t think it is my job to steer her towards one feeling over another.  She should be able to determine her feelings about them, without worrying about mine in the process.  My job is present her with opportunities to “try out” her feelings about her first family, to give her the message that her thinking about them and processing her story is normal, no matter what her feelings are at the time.  To let her know that I am here to listen to her thoughts and to answer any further questions she may have and support her.

That’s why I chose not to add my conclusions of what certain types of information lead/led me to believe about Z.’s time in China.  I know that Z.’s Ayi loved & cared for her very much (from what she told us and the pictures that were taken of Z. and her Ayi.)  So, I include that information in her Lifebook.  However, I don’t make any conclusions (positive or negative) in regards to the circumstances of her abandonment.  Because - it really doesn’t matter what I think those circumstances mean. 

It matters what Z. thinks about those circumstances.  Maybe she will create an image of her first family that is uniformly positive.  That is her right - even if (hypothetically) she had been left in a remore location with no food/bottle/blanket and wasn’t found until she was sick from exposure.  Maybe she will be very angry with her Chinese parents - even if she (hypothetically) was left in front of a busy hospital, wrapped in a red blanket with a bag of formula, two bottles and a note giving her birthday and time as well as explaining why her parents didn’t keep her, and was found within hours (if not minutes) of being left.

I think most of us would draw two very different conclusions from those two hypothetical situations - but how would any of us know if we would draw the same two conclusions?  And why should any conclusion that I might draw be given weight when it comes to Z. deciding this?

If she asks me what I think - I would share my interpretations with her.  I will also make it as clear as possible that these are my interpretations - not facts. However, I will not (without her request) give my interpretation of those events.  I wasn’t there, am not clairvoyant and don’t think that the circumstances of any child’s abandonment in China [that I have had the privilege of knowin] lends itself to an easy interpretation.

Ok, again - next up is Life in the SWI or Foster Care.