One of the comments on my Chinese school post from this week said:
I hate giving advice, so I won’t. But I will tell you that
I would not join any adoptive family group at a Chinese
Language School. There are lots of reasons for this,
but the biggest one is my concern for my children’s
privacy and need to fit in and not feel different.
There is a time for adoptive family groups but this
isn’t one of those times,imo. I am sure other may
disagree, but as children mature, they really don’t
want all that focus on adoption everywhere they
go.
I suppose the assumption here is that our family is not especially comfortable or accepted in the Chinese community so our affiliation with other adoptive families might further alienate us. I am not sure if this is assumed because I am white or because M is hapa? Or maybe because A doesn’t speak Chinese? We don’t even have an adopted kid yet, so it can’t be that.
So what, I am supposed to avoid the other white parents at Chinese school? What about A? Is he allowed to talk to them or is he not Chinese enough either? Does my whiteness suck away all A’s authentic Chineseness?
As for fitting in, M’s face is looking pretty white lately, so she isn’t ever going to look just like her classmates at Chinese school no matter who I hang out with there. And our adopted kid? Chinese school is probably one of the places he/she will be able to pass as A’s bio kid and not warrant a second glance. (M has a friend who is adopted from China who has a Chinese mom and a white dad and she is not at all conspicuous in the Chinese school masses.)
The school meeting was about meeting the needs of families who don’t speak Chinese. There are a lot of families with hapa kids or Chinese parents who don’t speak Chinese. The meeting was called by some active adoptive parents and announced on the FCC list, so there wasn’t much of an opportunity for other mixed-race/ non-Chinese speaking ABCs to attend. We went because we want to make sure that OUR kids’ needs are met. (Our kids who have a Chinese parent but don’t speak Chinese at home) A felt that his Chinese face might merit a little more creedence to the parents’ concerns. Even if we weren’t adopting, we would have wanted to be there to make sure Chinese school is a bearable experience for our kid.
While *I* am especially cautious about not stepping on any toes in the Chinese community, A is not. A claims full membership in the Chinese and Asian community here. He thinks it is very important for him to be an advocate for families like ours (mixed race and/or adopting / non-Chinese speaking… depending on the situation). Sure sometimes Chinese people don’t think he is Chinese enough, but tough cookies for them since they live in America and a lot of Chinese Americans don’t speak Chinese. A has no qualms about speaking up and making sure that we and other families like ours are fully included.
Additionally, A is starting to think more about his responsibilities as a mentor to younger Asians, including kids adopted by white parents. He probably needs to talk to them and their parents to do that. After the meeting, several of the parents approached A about his contributions to the meeting. One asked if he would be comfortable talking with his kid. A said yes.
If families like ours —who are comfortable negotiating our place in the Chinese community and who also understand the challenges of the adopted kids—don’t help bridge the gap between the adoptive families and the Chinese families, who will?
AMEN!
All this work is really going to pay off when your kids are older.
“If families like ours —who are comfortable negotiating our place in the Chinese community and who also understand the challenges of the adopted kids—don’t help bridge the gap between the adoptive families and the Chinese families, who will?”
You go girl! Speaking Chinese or not speaking Chinese, eating rice every day or not eating risce every day (since I cook it’s mostly pasta), my DH, hapa sons, and adopted daughter claim FULL membership in the Chinese-American community. Period. Get over it. It is a large and diverse community. And we have many friends with adopted Asian children and I feel it is good for them to see a Chinese American man who is not an immigrant. Who is an American.
DS-L
I really enjoy your blog.
“I suppose the assumption here is that our family is not especially comfortable or accepted in the Chinese community so our affiliation with other adoptive families might further alienate us. ”
Actually, I don’t think that was this person’s assumption, but I could be totally misreading their comment. With their talk of “maintaining privacy”, I think their assumption is that M and HFC would be able to “pass” at the Chinese school, so it would be better for them if you didn’t join the group, lest people think they were –gasp– adopted. In other words, it sure sounds to me like this person is saying you shouldn’t “out” HFC as adopted. After all, how would it be “maintaining [HFC's] privacy” by not joining a adoption group unless she is suggesting that your family can “pass” as non-adoptive,? (With the attendant premise that non-adoptive is better than adoptive, I suppose.)
It certainly seems this person views adoption as something to be ashamed of, or at the very least hidden and that is where they are coming from on this issue with the adoptive parent group, not from the cultural side of things.
This person also insinuated that you were too focused on adoption, and that kids don’t want to deal with that. I fail to see how your joining this group to assist you with your children’s cultural education is focusing solely on adoption. You are simply (ha!) attending to your children’s needs.
IMO. there are so many (unfortunately TOO MANY) families who have adopted transracially who are in for a rude awakening when their ostrich approach to culture (and adoption itself, for that matter) backfires spectactularly. Sadly, it is the children who will be paying for it, with their parents completely unprepared to help them navigate through the issues.
The good thing about your husband being Chinese is he can use Kung Fu on people that piss you off.
I, too, enjoy your blog. When I read the comment that inspired this post, I actually thought the suggestion for not joining an adoptive family group was simply because the genesis/focus of such a group is adoption. I thought the comment was pointing out that some children might not enjoy being part of a group in which membership automatically identifies their family as a certain type of family (adoptive) when they just want to be kids and a family. I didn’t express that very clearly. Oh well.
That being said, the sentiments you express in your response are admirable.
you know, I read the comment and I couldn’t figure out what they were trying to say. Should you avoid adoptive parents because M and baby X will be able to pass? Should you be trying to get more involved with the Asian community [but you have A so ??????]? Did the commenter understand that your future adopted child will always know that they are adopted and indeed, history tells us that being open about it from the begining is better for the child? Then I realized that the commenter sounds an awful lot like my mother who thinks that the kids won’t notice we are of different races and that we shouldn’t make such a big deal about adoption. So I gave up.
In our case, I confess that we do try to spend more time with the Chinese families at our Chinese school than the adoptive families. But we are white parents with Chinese kids. Part of the reason for going to Chinese school [as opposed to those Chinese schools established by adoptive families] is to meet Chinese people. That said, my son always knows he is adopted–kind of hard to miss.
Honestly I would KILL to have A nearby so that he could talk to my son about being a Chinese american male. You guys aren’t considering moving to the West Coast, are you?
Of all the things to get worked up about I’m surprised that the readers react to the Chinese school stuff. To me it seems like a non-issue (semi- ho hum, sorry AmFam). Of course I’m not a parent so what do I know!
Wow. For some reason, your blog seems to attract people who don`t like everything about the way you do things — and feel compelled to let you know.
“If families like ours —who are comfortable negotiating our place in the Chinese community and who also understand the challenges of the adopted kids—don’t help bridge the gap between the adoptive families and the Chinese families, who will?”
Right on. Thank you. That bridge is what’s needed to bring adoptees into their ethnic communities – you keep on building!!
Thanks for sharing and trying to tease out the complexities in these overlapping issues. I really appreciate your thoughtful and questing approach. It’s giving me a lot to think about.
I think it’s very cool that A is interested in being a mentor, even informally. As a friend with preteens once told me, every child can benefit from having another adult taking a positive interest in them. So yea, A!