Education has been a hot topic of conversation around our house for the last month or so. M’s education to be more exact. It started when A and I were forced to spend 7 hours in the car on the way to a wedding. Boredom led to this conversation:
Me: How you would you react if M was a solid B student?
A: What do you mean? How could she be a B student? Why wouldn’t she be getting A’s??
Me: I am saying, what if her highest potential is B’s?
A: That just doesn’t make any sense. We will teach her to work hard. If she works hard she will get A’s.
Me: I don’t know who you think is going to teach her that. I never, ever worked hard in school. What would you say if M brought home B’s on her homework?
A: I would sit her down and we would go over what she had missed. I would ask her ‘Why did you FAIL on this question?’
Me: But a B isn’t FAILING!
A: Any question you get wrong is because you FAILED TO GET IT RIGHT! A failure is a failure! I would make her do it again until she got it right! I mean, I won’t be as harsh as my mom was: I won’tl smack her with a ruler if she gets it wrong. I will just help her figure out why she failed. Isn’t that what you would do?
Me: Actually, I would probably just say ‘Okay. Good job with the B’s, next time maybe you can work a little harder and get an A.’
A: Uh, no. She needs to know that sub-par work is simply not acceptable. She needs to learn to work and work until she can get a perfect score.
Me: You have GOT to be kidding me!
We have known all along that school is going to be one of the biggest parenting challenges we will face. The fact is that A and I are not at all on the same page.
So far, we have found a good compromise in Montessori school. The freedom to select her own “work” and move freely from task to task suits my learning-should-be-about-enjoying-learning philosophy. The Montessori focus on math and reading readiness makes A giddy. Every time M brings home a counting bead worksheet, A gets a little thrill.
The next few years should be interesting.
Interesting doesn’t seem like it quite captures the dynamic!
I think Calder and I are going to have a little bit of this same dynamic, and along the same gender lines.
There are theories out there that say the best-equipped adults are those who got Bs in the subjects they tolerated, and As in the subjects they adored. Learning how to allocate your time to follow your passions is part of the process of growing up, I think.
And that’s before we discuss whether earning an A is achieving the right/perfect/best answer, or whether it’s just jumping through the teacher’s particular set of hoops. Although I guess that doesn’t track so much for math and science….Still.
Good luck!
Saaay! That’s almost verbatim the conversation I had with M. about MM! For all the “I’ll never be like MY mom/dad” business, some things seem pretty deeply ingrained.
Perhaps A needs to think about the statement of the Army “be the best you can be” What if a B grade is her best? Why force her to work hard and call it failing if she is doing the best she can? Instead of setting her goals to be what others (ie teachers) set for her, why can’t she set her own goals of doing the best job she can?
Sigh… I was pushed hard as a kid, Can you tell?
Are you sure A has not some German ancestors somewhere? My dad and I had the same conversation at report card time every six month at a decibel level that made glass shatter.
I was supposed to be an A student which is really hard when you are dyslectic.
After I fought my way through high school and got into a good college my father finally admitted that he is dyslectic too!
School nowadays says absolutely nothing about intellegence, later ability to earn a living and character… don’t make your girl’s life miserable about something so underfouned and ill-thoughtout!
My husband and I have had *many* conversations trying to figure out how his parents passed along that particular cultural trait. (Note: I just asked about the “ruler” thing. Apparently in Taiwanese schools, the teachers were the ones doing the smacking for missed questions. …In first grade.)
My father and his Korean wife are absolutely crazed about academics so I’m really wary of making my kids as miserable as my half-sibs have been made.
7 hours in a car! OMG. I’d go insane.
Yeah, not sure how we’re gonna handle that, particularly with Math. My husband’s a math genius who has a B.S. in math from an esteemed university. I barely passed math throughout school. I still remember trying to do homework in 1st grade, not understanding why 2 houses plus 2 houses equaled 4 houses. Yes, I’m that bad.
My husband tutoring me in college math (aka math-for-losers-who-barely-passed-in-high-school-and-still-can’t-take-an-freshman-level-math-course):
Husband: Why don’t you understand this?!?!??! It’s so simple!
Me: You’re fired. I’ll find another tutor.
So neither of us can explain math to anyone.
Shouldn’t be much of an issue though, as all Asian kids are math and science geniuses, right?
[...] I was thinking about this when I thought about AmericanFamily’s education woes. You have to know what you’re saying yes to. You have to know what you’re saying no to. I’m still trying to figure out what Madison’s hair says to the broader community (black and white). [...]
Pink Devora, all you have to do is stay one step ahead, according to my dad. I always had to logic my way through the problems, and it was sometimes an agonizing process, but I eventually got there, and the people who could help me the most were the ones who would help me figure out the intermediate steps, not the geniuses who can jump to the answer immediately.
Have you guys ever heard of “satisficing”? I came across the term in one of my grad classes, and as I understand it, it’s basically doing a “good enough” job, with the resources given, rather than constantly trying to optimize. I think it’s pretty similar to what Jody was describing, and it makes a lot of sense to me.
This entry made me laugh my ass off because A’s attitude towards school is EXACTLY THE SAME AS MY PARENTS’. And every single Chinese parent I’ve ever known. And to tell you the truth, if I ever do have kids, I would probably push them the same way. What? Most of the time it works!
Why would you take away the compliment for the B by saying to her that next time she can work harder for an A?
What if B is the best she can do?
B is a good grade.
What if her talents lie elsewhere and are not academic?
Why can’t you just love her for her B’s??? (can’t you tell I had a mother who always had the yes but when I did something well….)
The other person is scary, I’m glad I don’t have to live up to their expectations.
Focus can also go on having high self esteem, being creative, learning to trust your intuition, learining a musical instrument, learning a language which hopefull she will have access to that, being able to be assertive and not be abused, doing her best at school whatever her best is and most important knowing that you love her and are proud of her when she does well without a yes but to follow.
That sounds all preachy doesn’t it, it’s not meant that way. The venting is because it triggered memories of my own parents.
[...] I was talking to A about the responses to my two posts about educating darling M. I told him that the sentiment I kept getting was that we (or more accurately HE) should worry more about M’s immediate happiness/stress level or maybe that we shouldn’t pressure her to achieve academically so she would feel better about herself. [...]