It’s probably at least partly me, because, as I said, I was never in doubt that my parents loved me and wanted the best for me. But perfection is a lot to ask of a child when the parent is always the one in the position of control.

Jill and I meet somewhere in the middle, where we’ll probably never be rich, but we’re very responsible with the money we have.

No, I’m not Asian. But I do come from a family in which the prevailing culture was in favour of academic success, in which nothing less than high grades in every subject every time was quite good enough. So I don’t think my opinions on the subject have to do with white privilege – they have to do with having the experience of growing up with that message. And you know what? That upbringing didn’t lead to me being proud of my successes. It led to the opposite. I have never been able to feel proud of my successes, because there was always a feeling that they weren’t successes so much as me having just done what was expected, very good, and now better make sure you do the same again next time.

Oh, I don’t mean that to sound as though my mother was horrible about it – she was delighted when I brought home a high grade, and I got lots of praise along with the pressure. And I daresay some of this problem is my perfectionist personality and the way I respond to things. But there _was_ this constant feeling of having to achieve. And the result of that is that I have never really been able to look at a top grade and get that feeling of ‘Wow! I’m thrilled!’ At best it would mean relief – I’d done what was expected of me, I wouldn’t get told off or have to live with my mother being disappointed in me. At worst, it would mean a feeling of dread because I knew I wouldn’t be likely to manage such a good grade next time around and I knew that it would be expected of me. There are plenty of other things in my life that I’ve learned to be proud of along the way, but, to this day – and up to and including a first class honours degree followed by a medical degree – my academic work has never been one of them.

Does this mean that I think I should have been allowed to slack off, or that I plan to let my son do so? Hell, no. I certainly will encourage him to be the best he can be. But… I will encourage him to be the best _he_ can be, not some sort of best that I’ve dreamed up and want him to be. See the difference?

BTW, I had to laugh at the lack of tact comment…that is my culture to a “t” - I went to visit a few years ago and EVERYONE (people I had not seen since I was a kid) would preface their salutations with “Oh My How fat you are/have gotten” - really nice! NOT!LOL My family and relatives don’t mince words when they talk…hard to get used to if you are not one of us!LOL

In our case is not necessarily a difference in culture but in the way we view education and success. The reason I don’t push it is because I don’t think it is hurting our daughter (he expects her do well but is a very loving daddy) and well…I’m a total underachiever and lack ambition (I did really well in school by the way!LOL) and he is focused and gets where he wants to go so maybe there is something to the way he does it.

Also…we “adopted” the no shoes inside the house many years ago but I remember the first time I walked into my friend’s house (Chinese) and everyone started taking their shoes off. I kept thinking “are my socks clean…do my shoes stink?” It took some getting used to for our hispanic families…but now even my sister in law does it in her house too.