A few weeks after I first started sleeping with dating A, he left for a year teaching English in China. After three months of tragically romantic long distance letters, I decided to visit him during my Christmas break. As I got off the plane and saw a mass of heads with black hair, I panicked. What if I couldn’t pick A out of the crowd?
Then I saw him, his thankfully tall head, wearing a ball cap, towering above the crowd. During the three weeks I was in China, that ball cap saved me. I couldn’t have picked A’s face out of a crowd of Asian faces if my life depended on it. Because he was the only person of color I knew in the US, I didn’t have any practice looking for anything but his black hair and Asian face.
Yes, to me, all Asians looked alike.
So why am I telling you this very embarrassing part of my history? Why am I – a woman married to an Asian man– admitting that I had so little contact with people of other races that I couldn’t even pick my sort-of boyfriend out of a crowd?
Because it is important. It is important for me to acknowledge my own racism and ignorance and white privilege. It is important for white people who are willing to talk about race to do it honestly.
Way back in 2001 or 2002, I used to read the Hipmama message boards. (Yes, this was before I even had a kid. I had a wicked case of babylust if you must know.) The Hipmama boards took the radical step of trying to be an anti-racist community. It was a difficult struggle and in the end, it caused the board to completely implode.
Before the boards disappeared, though, someone created a document that I have returned to time and again in the past 5 years as I have been working on rooting out my own racism. The Hipmama Anti-Racist FAQ. When I get frustrated or forget why I am trying to be anti-racist, I go back to the FAQ to remind myself that I am a white person and racism is something that I have LEARNED. The threads of racism are woven into my very being, whether I like it or not. The key is that I have to learn to recognize the racism in the world and in myself, then I have to UNLEARN that racism.
What, you may be saying? Sure, I am white, but that doesn’t mean I am racist! Oh, just look at the FAQ and you will see an answer to your question:
We’re used to thinking of the word “racist” in connection with active hatred. That allows us to assume that so long as we’re not deliberately hurting anybody, we’re not racist ourselves. But racism isn’t just about obvious bigotry – it’s also about unconscious assumptions, social preferences, norms and privileges. Some people call this “institutionalized racism” because it shows up in everything from laws to birth experiences to shopping malls. Racism, like other -isms, is about a lens through which you focus. In this case, racism means you focus solely through the lens afforded you by your race and privilege as a member of the group in power, from a platform of perspective shaped by the dominant white culture…Admitting one’s racism is the first step in unlearning it. It does not mean that PWOC (white people) are terrible people; it means that PWOC have work to do.
Now that I am the partner of a person of color, the mother of a biracial daughter, and a potential transracially adopting parent, the challenge of being anti-racist is that much more urgent to me. I started this blog way back in 2004 because I was grappling with the realization that being a biracial family and a family created through transracial adoption meant that race and racism is going to be an unavoidable fact of our daily lives. I realized that I had to do more than just work on my own racism, I had to speak up when I see racism in the world around me.
And honestly, sometimes I get TIRED. It is one thing to yell about a racist comment in the mall, but it is a different struggle to sit on the Big Adoption List and point out over and over and over to ever growing masses of white adoptive parents that calling their kid a “china doll” is racist. It is difficult to go to our local FCC and see creepy cultural appropriation and blatant racism of white adoptive parents, who are completely convinced that they are not racist. I am tired of having to confront my boss about the racist comment he made without noticing. I am tired of analyzing shows on TV that have all-white casts or whose only representation of people of color is as criminals or some other stereotype. I am tired of being smacked in the face with blatent and subtle racism every time I turn around.
It is a totally cop out, but sometimes I step away to save my own sanity. I am fully aware of the white privilege that allows me that luxury, when my own husband and kids will probably not have the option of not dealing with racism in their lives. So I have to take a deep breath and dive back in and try to walk against the tide and do my fair share.
Being anti-racist is about the long haul. The baby steps I have taken so far are just the beginning of a life-long journey. The challenge of being anti-racist, of trying to extricate myself from the web of racism and white privilege that are part of being a white person in American, of taking responsibility for perpetuating the very racism that hurts my children, my family and myself (!), has just begun.
Today in my RSS feeds, I found a link to Anti-Racist Parent. A new parenting blog from the makers of Racialicious.
I am glad to know that there are people out there working for the end of racism, but I wish more of us white folks fighting the good fight would talk about our own struggles. It shouldn’t be up to people of color to teach us how to be anti-racist. We should be teaching each other, blazing a path for those who are just taking their own baby steps, showing them the way forward.
Care to join me?
What makes you think people of color are less racist than we are?
But I do agree, we need to stop judging people just because they are different!
I remember when I first started out working at Asiangarden, I acidently mistook a Japanese couple for being Chinese! I felt like the worst person!
I agree that being white you just have these stereo types in your head.
Thanks for this and all your other posts about dealing with race in your family life. I wanted to e-mail you yesterday about the launch of ARP but I couldn’t find your e-mail–I’m a contributing writer for the site.
I’d like to post your link to that FAQ (or maybe the whole text) and a link to your post, if that’s okay–could you e-mail me to tell me a little more about that defunct board? I’m trying to collect anecdotes for a piece on how race is and isn’t dealt with on the parenting web, esp. on interactive sites like boards. Thanks, and great post!
Well done American Family!
I need to say though that not recognizing A in China, in my humble opinion, has only a little bit to do with racism and privilege. It has everything to do with lack of exposure to Asian facial features.
You might argue that that is one and the same thing.
You can’t be all things to all people
- What matters is your intent-
When you go back to China I’m sure that you won’t have the experience again because you will have been interacting with many more people of Asian descent. It is acceptable to be overwhelmed in a situation that is unfamiliar and disorienting.
and for what its worth –
this has been sifting in my mind since your post about A’s emphasis on doing well in school – for M. You said “Who am I, who has White Privilege, to tell A he can’t express his love for M by encouraging her to excel scholastically”
You are her mother. White privilege or not. If you feel he is overstepping things a bit – putting to much pressure on her- your opinion matters.
Perhaps I misunderstood your post but I’m concerned that there is a message that the issue of racism trumps all other factors.
Again, maybe I’ve misunderstood but I don’t think that racism is more important than class or gender.
To me – it all comes down to power. Who has it and how they use it.
A terrific post, and thank you for the wealth of resources. This is good stuff.
I really like this post; I’ve been of two minds about the Anti-Racist Parenting blog (although I’m not really able to articulate why…not well, anyway), but you make a very persuasive argument for how it could be useful to those of us who are raising biracial/minority children in a predominantly white nation.
But I especially like your call to white parents to start talking about race as well.
BTW, have you ever had a chance to check out “White Man’s Burden”? It’s a movie with Harry Belafonte and John Travolta, and while its message gets a bit lost in the plot, it has arguably the most brilliant first ten minutes of any movie out there that deals directly with race. There’s one throwaway line, spoken by a black woman of privilege (the movie reverses white/black roles, so that it’s whites who are struggling against racism), where she talks about how adorable white babies are – it echoes every white person who’s ever gone on about “black babies” or “China dolls”…definitely worth a look.
I know what you mean – trying to consistently work towards being non-racist is tiring and sometimes you just want to take a break. I’ve had friends read my blog and then come back to me and say “I had no clue about some of the things you feel responsible for as a [transracial adoptive] parent.” At first glance we’re moms with interesting and attractive families; upon closer inspection we’re working for a cause that many other families don’t feel any real connection with.
I remember the time my husband and I went to a “tolerance” museum in LA (halocaust). There were entry two doors in the lobby. One had something like “I’m racist” or “I have racist beliefs” (can’t remember) and the other door was the opposite. When it was time to go in, there was a mob of people trying to open/push through the “I’m NOT a racist” door while my husband and I were the only ones going through the “racist” one. Is not that we thought of ourselves as “racist” per se but we knew that we had some latent prejudicial feelings about people or groups of people (not nec. black…but maybe Jews, or Asian, etc….things that we KNEW weren’t right but did under the guise of “joking” or had learned) so we knew which door was ours. Still…it shocked me that most people thought of themselves completely free of racism. BTW, our door openend and theirs was locked…it was intended to show that we ALL had some things to work through. (big sigh of relief from both hubby and I because it looked really bad at first…just the two of us opening the “I’m a racist” door!LOL)
I see lost of prejudice amongst different hispanic groups…against eachother and/or black people (or even Asians although the last is usually in bad humor) and this is difficult to counteract…I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle sometimes or being “rude” or “difficult” because I have to call people (even family) on it all the time. “I’m sure you didn’t mean that” – “I’m sure you don’t realize that is offensive” etc. It kills me when people have internalized it (specially people of color) and equate white or shades of white with better or good. I see it among hispanics too…when a baby is born I see lots of emphasis on “oh my and he is so white” which really means “thank goodness he took after mom’s pale skin and didn’t pass on dad’s dark skin” because they know it will be “easier” for the kid. It is all so complicated and sad and the reason why the aftermath of racism/power/slavery still cause so much pain today.
It can get so complicated at times…I’m hispanic but as long as my accent doesn’t kick-in (which happens when I’m agitated, overly excited or angry!) I “pass” for white and this has afforded me certain priviledges which my daughter who is black will never have or friends who are “brown” also don’t get…still…there are so many other parts to this because I have also personally seen others assume someone is being racist/prejudiced simply because they are disagreeing or perhaps just doesn’t like that particular individual person.
Good post….wish I could add more but my daughter has interrupted me like 20 DAMN times and I’m lucky I got even these paragraphs out!!! It is so hard to come back to your sentence, trying to recall your train of thought after every “hey mom….” UGH
I don’t think being unable to pick out distinct Asian features out of a pool of Asian folks is racist or bigoted. It’s just you didn’t have the environment, experience, and need to do so in the past.
What racist is if a person says, “Well, what’s the use of trying to figure it out. They all look the same anyway.”
That’s racist.
But not having experience is not racist.
Killer post. Great links & everything else. And, the JCrew Incident – brilliant. I appreciate your openness and your insights. Thank you.
let me ask you this……can you tell a French person apart from a German person?
or a Finnish person apart from a Swedish person?
my guess is that NO!!!
…..therefore, according to your viewpoint, this can also be interpreted as racism.
i also back up Martina’s statement….What on earth makes you think that coloured people are less racist than Whites???
For those of you who questioned whether or not my ability to recognize A was really racist, I will say that I believe it was at the very least a demonstration of my own white privilege.
A was the only person of color I knew. Why? Because I had never bothered to try to get to know someone who wasn’t white. I had that luxury as a white person, to surround myself with other white people just like myself. If A had wanted to, he couldn’t surround himself with only Asian people, no matter how hard he tried. Thus, my ignorance was a symptom of my own white privilege. It is also an example of the way that white privilege can hurt white people.
I have to run to catch a playdate, but I will try to come back to the comments here later.
I’m not sure that I buy into the idea that the fact that I am white makes me a racist, just, ispo facto. I am white, therefore I am priveleged, therefore I am racist? No.
I think racism exists in every culture. I have previously lived in Japan. They are Asian. Racism exists there quite rampantly – against other races, against other Asians, even.
Racism exists in America within all races. Six of my cousins are bi-racial – they get crap from both sides – whites and blacks. Rich and poor. Racism is not limited by privilege, and its not limited by color.
Finally, the acronym PWOC – I assume this stands for People Without Color, and frankly I think it is appalling (forgive me if it stands for something else). I think this acronym is racist in and of itself- it implies that whites are transparent – I’m sorry, that’s a racist sentiment.
Don’t get me wrong, I am against racism, and as the waiting adoptive mother of an Asian child, it’s something I think about a lot. But, I don’t buy into the idea of invisible racism, and I don’t buy into the idea that all whites are inherently racists or that all privileged persons are inherently racists.
There’s enough blatant or just-below-the-surface racism happening for us to worry about, before we start worrying about invisible racism, if it even exists.
Gretchen
Rock on. It’s brave to put yourself out there like this, but keep doing it, because you’re making people actually think about the assumptions they unwittingly make on a daily basis. Last year I tried to kick some of the white privilege out of the booklists we make in our department at the library after reading some of your thoughts. It was kind of amazing to realize that, yep, 99.9% of these picture books we’re suggesting for, say, all toddlers at large have white protagonists
We are currently considering adopting a child of Native American heritage (we are white), and I am just starting to address these issues myself. Thanks, as always, for the thought-provoking post!
I wrote a little about this ages ago on my blog, because it’s at the heart of some of my biggest parenting decisions/beliefs. I grew up the whitest white girl that ever lived – grew up in the 70s in the midwest in an insular, Catholic community. Even though my grandparents were adamantly anti-racism (mostly, my grandpa 100%, my grandma had some issues), I wasn’t around people of color. I remember vividly when the first black family moved onto our street- one of our neighbors was very upset and my grandparents were talking about having a talk wiht him.
All of this means that for years (and sometimes still) I was uncomfortable around people of color. Felt out of place, didn’t know what to say, how to say it, etc. One of the reasons I was so attracted to my husband is his total ease around anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, etc. I want my son to have that same ease. I don’t want him to struggle with how to talk to the person sitting next to him in class or to miss out on relationships because he feels like he’s speaking a different language. So, diversity is at the top of my priorities when it comes to daycare and education. I’ll send him to the big urban school district here because I really do think he’ll get a good education but also because of the diversity. We’re looking at new daycares and all things being equal, we’ll go with the one with the most diversity.
The most frustrating part is our friends and aquaintances because, guess what, they’re all white! Don’t quite know what to do about that one.
Whoa. Not to be nit-picky, but not being able to different people of a different race isn’t necessarily “racist”. It’s the result of not having EXPERIENCE with people from different backgrounds. Before I went to a university that had an awesome international population AND got myself heavily involved in said population, I couldn’t different people from different countries. Now? I’m pretty damned good at it.
Therefore, I don’t feel bad admitting that when I was younger I had trouble identifying people because my Indian, Pakistani and Sri Lankan friends all admitted that they, too had trouble differentiating white people when they first came to the USA.
EEK. Hit “publish” before I was done! All the other things you mentioned? Yeah – racist.
For sure, the solution is education and knowledge. Score one more for blogs, right? Because of sites such as yours and The Naked Ovary, I have such a better understanding of what’s considered racist in the Chinese culture. For example, the “china doll” one blew me away because I really had NO clue on that one. And ironically, I have had several people call my own son a “china doll”, evidently, the education needs to continue full-force.
I’ve commented on your blog before, I’m a white woman in a long-term relationship with a person of a different ethnic background, and I honestly don’t think about it much in my day to day life, because I live in an extremely diverse area where white people are actually the minority, and I’ve never felt like we stood out, and no one has ever made us feel uncomfortable.
HOWEVER, that said, I was pretty surprised (which is embarassing) when I asked my partner if he has experienced racism (b/c he never ever talks about it). He said he does all the time, and I thought, wow, am I just totally living in my own little world.
I know that I have a lot to learn, especially since we’ll most likely have children together and my kids will have to deal with things that I never dealt with.
I do think that the country’s attitudes about multiethnic families are changing though- I noticed a new Home Depot ad last night that featured an Asian woman and a white man, and I thought that was cool because it seems that mainstream TV/Film hasn’t really gotten it yet- you seem commercials or TV shows or movies with white families, black families, Latino families, Asian families but you rarely see multiethnic families.
But as a person who grew up in a 97% white area (thought a very liberal section of New England where I never heard racist slurs- really I didn’t) I’m still learning.
I think we think about these things in much the same way (only I haven’t managed to blog about it). Great post. Thanks.
This is a really good post…..and something I’ve been thinking about and struggling with as we get closer to bringing our daughter home……even something like shopping for dolls becomes an inner battle with me- my mom never had this problem with 3 bio daughters- we were white- the dolls on the shelves were white…..easy. But I go to target and stand in front of the doll section and break out into a cold sweat….thanks for writing about this- it helps to “have the words” to put with the feelings……you keep me thinking and wanting to be better….thanks!
Meg
People of color are definitely just as racist has white people, but in America, since PoCs are the minority, we don’t have the power to significantly influence the lives of white people.
As part of the majority, the actions of one white person does not affect your judgment of other white people.
But as a minority, we are often burdened with representing our race, and furthermore, the actions of others can influence your opinions about us, as individuals.
Here’s an example. If you see a white man talking to your child, do you instinctively feel on edge because you think he’s a pedophile? Because it’s been on the news a lot lately. From priests, to teachers, to Mark Foley, all the pedophiles on the news are white men. But yet you don’t judge all white men based on that.
However, if you are walking down the street and you see a black man walking towards you, do you instinctively feel on edge because you think he might mug you?
Delurking to say that I hadn’t read that story about you guys at JCrew before, but now I think it’s one of my favourites!
I agree that difficulty in distinguishing between people of different races is due to limited exposure, not necessarily to elitism or racism; as Johnny said, it’s only when you say “it doesn’t matter, they all look alike anyway” that it becomes racist.
Actually, it’s something I’ve had occasion to think about quite recently. I had a Chinese friend rooming with me last year, and after I showed her two adoption blogs I read that dealt with racist stereotypes we got to discussing how people of different races instinctively use different physical descriptors to distinguish between one another.
She said that while she found Caucasians can rely on hair and eye colour as easy ways to tell each other apart, she feels that Asians, who usually have the same hair and eye colour, focus on position of cheekbones and eyes, shape of face, and more subtle tonal differences in skintone. It was a really fascinating conversation because it was something I’d never had occasion to consider before; similarly, when she started to discuss some of her own mother’s prejudices against people of certain other races as well as a more cultural prejudice against people who are adopted, it opened up a whole new line of discussion on racism among other races, too; something I’d previously had only the vaguest concepts of.
Finally, I’ve got to confess that the irritation over the china doll comments made me squirm because all too often that’s the term I’ve used to refer to my own very pink-and-white complexion- not meaning that I look like a Chinese doll, but rather a doll made of china. I suppose from now on I’ll be using “porcelain doll” instead!
was it you that wrote about analizing your own thoughts about race over and over again. Or was it shannon or somenone else. Well i did just that and was shocked about all the assuptions in my head .. I think it works and makes me a better person but even taht is hard work..
I’m also a white woman now married to an Asian man. I grew up in a neighborhood where I was a minority, but it was mostly black. I had Asian friends in school. In spite of all that diversity, when he and I first started dating, I would have dreams that contained random white men that I knew in the dream were my Asian boyfriend. My subconscious mind had no template for an Asian man! We dated long-distance for the first year and a half. He didn’t start showing up with his own face until I moved to his town.
I would agree with the comment that every ethnic/cultural group and individual has pre-judging tendencies. Within Asian groups I’ve heard the whole “F.O.B.y” thing thrown around a lot, I’ve experienced alot of racism from African-Americans, my gay friend tossed out some stereotypes of his lesbian friends fashion choices, among Indian friends there are biases based on skin color, etc. The important thing is to be able to own your own reactions, find appropriate ways to dialogue/learn/change, and grow.
I think that not being able to tell one face from another in China is akin to not being able to tell one face from another in any country that’s not your own, which I think would be pretty likely to be the case the first time you traveled there. I remember going to Germany for the first time in the 70s, and how struck I was by how BLOND all the Germans were, how much they looked alike. The physical similarity of the people plus the unfamiliarity of the surroundings made it hard for me to discern differences. Not racist, I think, just inexperience with that culture and country.
In my opinion this is the wrong discussion. The right discussion is on white privilege, as you say. I often go back to Peggy McIntosh’s work. It was the ah-ha article for me. I’m glad to have another to look at. Thanks for the tip about the Hipmama site and FAQs.
Hi Ada:
Actually a lot of Europeans can tell each other apart…explaining how, would go too far… but we do have different tribes in Europe too.
I have to admit that I have problems to figure out if a person is Vietnamese/Chinese (a lot of ethnic Chinese there), Korean/Japanese (oh yikes, a lot of unwished Japanese influences there).
I don’t think that it is a question of WHITE PRIVILEGE — with the commercial success of especially a lot of asian immigrants in US I can’t see this as a reason.
I think it is a quesiton of ignorance — without any value attached to the word. You can turn ignorance into a positive thing by starting a polite dialogue. But this requires openess to dialogue from both side. If the openess is not there ignorance turn into prejudice!
PS: Just as an example… I got really pissed at the writer of “Waiting for exhale” for whinning about all the worthless black dudes, but not wanting to go out with a nice white guy… well, I asked my back girl friend… her explanaition made me realize how insensitive I had been… so I apologized (profusely!). But the cool thing is, she felt my honest interest and she didn’t shut down and we talked!
Great post. You’ve done such a good job of trying to get at issues that are so hard to articulate.
Great post. Can I link? I have a private blog — yes, deliberately family and friends and not the wide open world — which I can send you privately. Thanks.
DS-L
Hey Martina,
I’m European as well, actually just moved from Europe to Canada 10 years ago. I can usually tell Europeans apart, but a Canadian can’t. It’s much less likely that an asian or black person would be able to point us out. Every time they try me, they get it wrong lol Because I have blonde hair/blue eyes, I’m either German/Polish/Russian/Scandinavian…which one is it dam it?? and the truth is, i’m neither LOL
About white privilege………well you live in the US, respectively Canada, which were/are white countries, so it’s completely normal that whites would have an advantage (it’s THEIR country, regardless of what you say); just like asians would have an asian privilege over a white/black/brown person in asia…..completely normal.
My honest belief is that the author of this blog tries too hard to incorporate Asian culture into her, and Miss M. As a result, she sometimes loses her rationality.
Wow! Your post gave me goosebumps! Great work! And after reading the comments I feel more fired up to keep fighting the good fight. It is hard for a lot of people to separate the idea of a cross-burning bigot from the racist policies and environments that you talk about: the lens through which we see the world. And now I know what I am fighting for: I am an Asian American and this is MY country too! And my daughter’s country! Being anti-racist means taking ownership of this country too. It means that I reject calling a group the majority based solely on the appearance of their skin. The last couple elections should show that the country has no majority opinion on issues that matter. Moreover, because of racism, some people in the country believe that this isn’t their country, that they don’t have any power. I want to teach my daughter that she belongs here and that she deserves representation and that she should never accept being treated as a second class citizen.
Awesome post on an important issue. Thanks for sharing your experience and stating it well!
Commenter “Ada” is the same person as “Jennifer” back on Operation Code Whitey. Second verse, same as the first.
> just like asians would
> have an asian privilege over a
> white/black/brown person in asia
Asians might have privilege over black and brown people in Asia, but not white people.
Due to the colonial mentality that still exists in certain parts of Asia (especially South East Asia), white privilege is still very prevalent there.
If you look at the Philippines, there’s an undercurrent of “whiter is better” where light-skinned Asians, especially hapas, have advantages that darker-skinned Asians don’t.
These are the bastions of an old colonial regime that set up these social structures.
I agree with you about “inherent” racism because of white priveledge. I am white, have lots of friends of colour and didn’t really experience blatent racism until we went to the US for a soccer tournament in my early teens. I have my degree in Anthropology and through that process of learning, I learned all about my own enthnocentrism and white priveledge. Yikes. Racism isn’t always blatent but it exists and I catch myself and others all the time. It is a real challenge to be completely “non-racist” no matter what your cultural background is. The most important piece of information I ever learned was that there is only one race – the human race – and we all look different because of environmental factors that shaped our bodies to best thrive in our different parts of the world. This concept is difficult for people to grasp but when they do, it is an amazing transformation. Thanks for posting this – I am married to a man from a different culture (he doesn’t look much different from me but his culture sure is) and it is great that conversations are going on about this topic.
Brilliant post, A. Thank you for putting this out there. I stand with you. I have stories to tell of my childhood — growing up as one of the few white families in our neighborhood in Detroit. I used to feel as if I could never be racist because of my childhood experiences of being the minority. But looking back, subtle (and not so subtle) racism was ingrained into the lessons taught to me as a child. Especially by older relatives. I never even recognized it. You’ve given me much to think about since I’ve started reading here (and CHARM, though it’s quiet there now).
I came across the ARP link on a KAD blog the other day. I haven’t had much time to navigate through it yet, but it’s now my priority read this week.
Found you through homesick home, and now I’m hooked. THANK YOU for writing about this, and for not shying away from these topics. Hearing about the struggles that other people have in working towards anti-racism is so valuable, because it’s good to feel not alone, and stories of ‘how I’m trying to unpack my white privelege’ don’t have a lot of appropriate spaces.
Thank you.
[...] but I’ve learned what that really means — acknowledging things like white privlege, and learning how to talk about race. That’s something I really need to learn, especially if I have [...]
[...] day, she might look back and be embarrassed– just like I look back at many of the things I thought and did in the past. I would rather put my energy into educating and protecting my own [...]