I haven’t written much about adoption for awhile, have I?
There has been a lot of noise in the media about the ridiculous Madonna debacle. I am not going to go into that other than to say that I think she wanted to create a big ruckus, so she didn’t choose an established program. The way she has handled her adoption makes all the rest of us international adopters look bad.
Anyway, back to me or rather my family. We have been planning to adopt for so long, I can barely remember why we started in the first place. I could go into how it came about, but it is really neither here nor there. The summary is that being biologically related to my kid isn’t really that important to me (and eventually Mr. A agreed). There are kids who need families and we are a family that wants at least one more kid. It seemed simple enough.
Of course in reality, it isn’t simple at all.
Whether my children are biologically related to me or adopted, race and culture are always going to be issues that our family has to negotiate. The simple fact that I happened to fall in love with Mr. A (and he with me) means that we are going to spend our lives straddling the cultures of our families of origin. Because A’s family is Taiwanese/Chinese, that means that Chinese culture is already an important in our family.
Adopting from China or Taiwan would probably be the easiest choice for us (unless we adopted a mixed race white-chinese kid domestically and that is super-rare). When it comes to integrating Chinese culture, we definitely have an advantage over white couples adopting from China.
The more I know, the more I realize that if Mr. A weren’t my husband, there is no way in hell I would adopt from China knowing what I know now. The task is just too daunting.
Even with all the cultural stuff we do AND with the fact that A is Chinese so the kid will have a parent who share his or her ethnic background, there is still the issue of taking the kid out if his or her country of origin. There is just no way around that. We are making a choice to take a Chinese kid to America, out of China, and basically out of Chinese culture. Our kid won’t be Chinese, he/she will be Chinese American. There is a HUGE difference and it is a loss for which we are fully responsible.
Would it be better for the HFC to stay in China with a Chinese family? Yes, I honestly believe it would be.
But the fact of the matter is that there aren’t enough Chinese families who are able to adopt the kids in Chinese orphanages…yet. I believe that the Chinese government is working really hard to change that and I am happy to see progress, but right now — during this short period of time when we have a home to offer– there are kids who are stuck in orphanages. They will be aging out of their desirable infancy before there are enough Chinese homes for them. So it is us or an orphanage.
Believe me, I know the criticism of international adoption. I know that international adoption can create an environment that privileges foreign adoptive families over domestic ones. I can talk up and down about the situation in China and why their domestic policies are counter-productive to solving their one child policy/child abandonment/orphanage situation.
But none of that will do squat for the Hypothetical Future Child who will spend his/her childhood in an orphanage while it gets sorted out. Change takes time. If the one child policy went away tomorrow, I believe there would still be children in China who would be abandoned. I think they might be different kids, but even with the one child policy the main reason for child abandonment is poverty. And there are LOTS of poor people in China.
I also think it takes time for people in China to change their opinion of adoption so that those kids in Chinese orphanages can find Chinese homes. While it is a small sample, the reaction to adoption I get from Chinese people (from China or Taiwan) is overwelmingly unenthusiastic bordering on negative and sometimes even a bit disgusted with the idea. Until the culture changes, international adoption may be a necessary evil if the Chinese government doesn’t want abandoned Chinese children growing up in institutions.
I fully expect to carry the weight of the decision to take the HFC out of China for the rest of my life. I just hope that the HFC will understand we didn’t take that decision lightly.
It is a big responsibility, but do I think it would be better for me to have another biological kid to avoid that burden?
Obviously, at the end of the day, I don’t.
I think that Mr. A and I are willing to do the extra work that adoption requires. We are willing to take responsibility for our choices because we believe that a child who has already been born but can’t be with his or her family has the same right to a family as any other child. Our family may be the fourth or fifth best option, but we will do the best we can.
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Old posts on similar topics:
Wanting This Child (follow up to the ethics post)
Your family is not the first or second or third best option — but with Mr. A, with your awareness and determination to recognize the difficulties and responsibilities of international adoption AND with your bio daughter with whom HFC will share many bonds as Chinese-American girls (assuming you get referred a girl) you are a good choice and a better choice than an orphanage.
DS-L
Yes, I think that’s just it. And better that children be adopted into families willing to “do the work” than those who aren’t, or who don’t even know the work exists.
No question in my mind that you all will be a great family for any child.
But – I wanted to go off on a tangent (hope it is ok) regarding your comment about the attitude to adoption among Chinese/Taiwanese people you know.
By working fairly hard at it, I have managed to find a lot of venues for activities with my child where there a number of other Asians, not just one other but a third plus, or a majority, of Asians. Some of the towns near here have big Chinese and other Asian communities, and we go to the playgrounds, swimming pool, music classes etc preferentially in those towns.
But we had a horrible (to me) experience. Fortunately I don’t think my daughter noticed. We were one of six families at a local Y pool, and I was the only non-Asian and probably only non-Chinese person present. It was clear that my 2 year old was adopted, and some of the mothers looked at her as if she were – I don’t know – unclean, undeserving, some form of lower creature. I haven’t had this feeling elsewhere, and I don’t think I imagined it. I don’t want to seek out these experiences if they will end up being a negative for my child.
We’ve also had it happen that a parent seems friendly/accepting, but the child of a Chinese-speaking family clearly is very upset by the spectacle of my daughter with a mother who doesn’t look “right”.
So I guess the point of this is to ask for advice on how to work at minimizing the effects of the prejudice against adoption, held by some Chinese people, in their interactions with my child.
(Amber, if this is too off-topic or whatever, please delete it and accept my apologies.)
I feel just the same way about adoption, both domestic and international. I wish it wasn’t necessary – I wish that there weren’t children without homes or people deciding they feel unable to parent. But while those issues might change, it will take a long time. And in the meantime there are real kids waiting, and I’ll adopt them while doing my best to change the situations that made their adoption necessary in the first place.
I loved this post.
I really like this post too. I agree that while we talk about all the politics and reforms we’d like to make–earnestly like to make–we still have lots of HFCs who are still needing homes and aren’t just theoretical. Good point, too, about the other bio kid. Thanks for saying all this.
“I fully expect to carry the weight of the decision to take the HFC out of China for the rest of my life. I just hope that the HFC will understand we didn’t take that decision lightly.”
That’s exactly how we feel about our decision to take Miss I out of Ethiopia.
Thanks.
I’d like to agree with the comments above; you and Mr A are going to make excellent, responsible and considerate adoptive parents.
Just a couple of points from a white girl who has lived and worked in the PRC for the past nine years:
While the one-child policy certainly does play a very major role in the problem, there’s another factor that I rarely see mentioned. In mainland China it is legally impossible to become a single parent. Parents CANNOT register their child without providing a marriage certificate. This is intrinsically connected to the one-child policy, since it is officially the “one couple one child” policy, but I think it plays a role in and of itself.
Secondly, you’re right that the attitude to adoption is slowly starting to change in mainland China. Thinking about my colleagues/friends/acquaintances here I can quickly identify some couples who have struggled for years with infertility, but who would never consider adoption because of family pressures for a biological son as well as other couples in the same situation who, with their families’ blessing, adopted a baby girl. Attitudes vary throughout China, with the rural areas tending to be the most conservative, but in modern urban China change happens very quickly.
P.S. I’m pleased to tell you that Air China have improved their customer services beyond recognition in the last decade!
Thanks for putting this out there. These are the type of issues that need to surface DURING the homestudy, during adoption classes, during whatever preparations are being made before the adoption. We will be those white parents who try our best to do right by our Chinese American daughter, but to be totally honest, I had to educate myself on any of the issues you’re writing about. I’m still learning and readjusting my priviledged viewpoints each day. Not one person with my agency or my homestudy agency ever even eluded to any of the above ideas. It was just shiny, happy adoption stories, with not many tough questions. You’re right, it all seemed so simple in the beginning.
I think you expressed this very well. Of course the VERY BEST place for every child is with a healthy, happy biological set of two parents in a safe and secure home. This is not the reality for many, many children. We cannot create this situation for every child out there. So what do we do? I think the answer is to give these children families. Yes, these children are being taken out of their birth cultures and countries. But honestly, what place would they ultimately have in that country and culture? We may fail on many levels, but on the whole, I think it is still the better situation for these children.
[...] Wading In – American Family “I know that international adoption can create an environment that privileges foreign adoptive families over domestic ones….But none of that will do squat for the Hypothetical Future Child who will spend his/her childhood in an orphanage while it gets s (tags: transracialadoption internationaladoption parenting) [...]
Can’t add much to the comments ahead of me — Great post, you have a way of articulately expressing exactly what needs to be discussed. Thanks,
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de’lurking here. i’ve been reading for awhile. i like that the issues are being discussed. Both my wife and i are Americans of Chinese descent, and adopting from China. We will only be be best at teaching Chinese American culture, as that is what we are. We have discussed things like Mandarin Lessons, but are unsure, as our families come from Canton area. Anyway, it’s nice to have your posts and I’m glad you share your experiences and thoughts/biases.
(raising hand) me too! I linked to this site from my own blog I just started. I’m an American hapa prospective mother looking to adopt from the domestic foster care system. In that world I run into a lot of strong sentiment that says “people shouldn’t adopt internationally because there are children right here in need”. I think there are a lot of complicated problems with international adoption, but after a lot of thought decided I DON’T agree with that sentiment.
I think, too, that it’s possible, maybe even a responsiblity, of adoptive parents to work in some way to resolve or minimally to raise awareness of the issue that caused our children to be adopted. I know that not all a-parents agree with this point of view, possibly because it may seem to diminish their role in their children’s lives. But I think it’s completely compatible with intercountry adoptive parenting to also work to reform and even stop intercountry adoption in a way that protects women, children and families.
[...] Wading In by shortnorthmama “Believe me, I know the criticism of international adoption…I can talk up and down about the situation in China and why their domestic policies are counter-productive to solving their one child policy/child abandonment/orphanage situation. But none of that will do squat for the Hypothetical Future Child who will spend his/her childhood in an orphanage while it gets sorted out. Change takes time…” [...]