I have recently begun contemplating changing my last name to A’s last name.
A long time ago, I wrote a post about why I kept my own last name when we got married. When we first got married, it never really occured to my feminist self to take Mr. A’s name. I mean, I was a Women’s Studies major. A proud feminist. Why would I need his last name when I already have a perfectly servicable name of my own?
But lately I have been thinking about naming the HFC. I am strongly committed to keeping all parts of the name that the HFC already has. Mr. A is strongly committed to the HFC having a western first name, in keeping with the tradition of his family. It just seemed obvious to give the HFC Mr. A’s family name, which is the same family name we gave to M.
So the plan has been:
New First Name – Chinese given name – Chinese Surname – A’s last name
By keeping all the names, we are hoping to give the HFC options to use any parts of his/her name without having to go through the hassle of a legal name change. By putting the two surnames together, the HFC could use both as a last name or hypenate if that was what he/she wanted to do.
The reason we are giving the HFC Mr. A’s last name is a way of claiming the HFC as a member of our family. But if the name is the symbol of the family unit, shouldn’t I change my name too?
When I think about giving up my own last name (which isn’t especially unique or interesting) it feels….squidgy. I can’t put my finger on why it feels strange, but it does. Even when I think about using my maiden name as a second middle name and taking M’s last name, it still feels weird. (Hyphenating or using both names as a last name isn’t an option for me.)
When I put myself in the shoes of the HFC, already having a perfectly good name and then having two new names slapped on there without being given a say, it seems really unfair. It isn’t so different from Dawn‘s considerations when she kept Madison’s birth name. If the HFC grew up with his or her original names, would he/she be a completely different person?
I am also well aware that my personal choice to change or not change my name still puts me in the position of control, so it wouldn’t be the same as the HFC having two names added involuntarily. But if I am justifying giving the HFC Mr. A’s name because it is the “family name” shouldn’t we all share it?
For the record, I do understand most women change their names when they get married and it isn’t a big deal for them. It IS a big deal for me. It would be a fundamental shift in my self identification away from that of an individual to being one member of the larger family unit.
I could use some feedback here.
I think that there is a difference between you changing your name to A’s (your partner’s name, as an adult) vs your child being given hir’s parents name. The power dynamics aren’t the same – why should you take A’s name vs. him taking yours? For a child, it’s different; they are being added to an existing family, not “creating” a new one (if that makes sense). You could take A’s name as a middle name (and vice-versa, actually).
Then again, changing your name is also a possibility, and I’m not trying to say it’s necessarily something you should absolutely not do. Personally, I have kept my last name (actually, here it’s the law), and I expect our children will have the hyphenated version. If we drop a name it won’t be mine unless I get a really good argument against it from the other grown up.
Can you experiment? Maybe start a context in which you use Mr A’s name and see how it feels? Or does that happen now–do you get calls Mrs. A because M is M. A’s last name?
I wasn’t attached to my last name and gave it up pretty easily. My husband called me by my maiden name (introduced me to people) for years. He had a much harder time with the switch than I did. His last name is hard–hard to spell, pronouce, fit on labels. But it did make me feel like we were joined by more than a lease–it made being married an obvious transition. In retrospect, 8 years later, I still wouldn’t want to hypenate. We did have a long discussion before our second child was born about picking a whole new name for all of us. That felt weird to do at such a late date.
I do find the family name as a concept compelling–at the same time I wish culturally we were more flexible about choosing a new name or picking the woman’s name. And to be honest, in so many contexts I am Miranda’s mom or Henry’s mom, not Mrs so-and-so. As much as I have adopted the name, I don’t really like being called Mrs. ____. That may be my immaturity breaking through.
Good luck. I have known women who did the three name thing (mainden name as middle) but they called themselves all three most of the time. And it worked.
I don’t think it would be too strange to keep your maiden name because in Chinese culture the woman never changes her name.
My mom’s Chinese name is still her maiden surname. It’s only her American name that has my dad’s last name.
In fact, I think in most East Asian cultures, the woman always keeps her surname.
Sadly, I don’t have any particular useful advice. The best I can do is tell you my own story, and perhaps that will be helpful in some way.
My last (obviously European) name is unusual (for the U.S.), hard to spell, and is a large part of my identity, for various reasons. It is the only part of my name that is unusual, as my first name is the most common name of my generation. It is the first word I learned to spell (on account of hearing my mom have to spell it so many times). It is a link to my heritage (though honestly, that is less important to me).
My (Chinese-American) husband and I kept our last names when we got married. We have discussed our plans for if/when we have children, and he wants to take my last name and give my name to all our kids. I am torn about this idea.
I really like the idea of everyone in the family having a common name, I’m not fond of the idea of giving my name up, and I don’t see any logical reason for a patriarchal passing down of names.
On the other hand, I don’t want our kids to receive yet another message, from their parents no less, that being white is better than being Asian. I figure they will get that plenty from our surrounding culture, and I want to do everything I can to counteract that message, not add to it.
I have no pithy (or rambling, for that matter) conclusion, unfortunately. I have no doubt that names are important to identity, as my own experience indicates. But I am still left wondering what the right thing is to do. Best of luck in figuring out what you want to do.
I have to ask, is your “squidginess” at all related to the fact that A’s last name is, while not super obviously Asian, nonetheless Asian?
There was never any question about what I would do. We both knew we wanted to be a family unit, and to us that meant sharing the same last name. It was important to V, as the eldest son, to keep his family’s last name so I was happy to oblige.
The only thing I struggled with was the fact that it was obviously an Asian name, one that I cannot quite pronounce “correctly” though I use the same Westernized pronunciation that his family uses. I felt strange about having an Asian name yet not being Asian, like I was co-opting a culture that didn’t belong to me. For a long time I fought the urge to explain myself to people who knew me only over the phone, and when meeting these people face to face for the first time I always wanted to say, “Look for the haole girl” so we wouldn’t both be embarrassed when they had trouble finding me (I just stuck to wearing red shirts and the like instead). And I live in a place where interracial marriage is very common.
Good luck with your decision!
When we married, I kept my original last name as a second middle name and added Beloved’s last name. It was a good decision for us, but it took several *years* for me to get used to the new last name. I would accidentally sign checks with my original name, for example.
Long ago when I went to college I started introducing myself as “Amanda” rather than “Mandy” (shudder!)… Kind of a name change, but changing my last name was much harder.
Still, it was the right decision for us. I like that we are “the LastName Family,” the whole lovely group of four of us!
It’s a tough decision. I hope you find a solution that works for you!
I used to think I wouldn’t change my name. I’m German, I have a very obviously German last name, I am the last one in the family to have that name, and it didn’t sit right with my feminist feelings to imagine giving it up.
Then I lived abroad a couple of times and found it *very* un-fun to have a name nobody could pronounce, I realised I don’t actually *like* the name very much, and it’s not rare at all or anything. And as I was the only one left with that name (except for my Mam) it wasn’t like it was a treasured name either … My Mam’s brother had changed it upon leaving Germany because he hated it so much as well.
It took me a bit to get used to using B’s last name but I *love* that we share a name. And it’s quite hilarious that I seem to have assumed a different ethnic/cultural heritage with the name, by accident. My first name is Russian (but my family has no links to Russia whatsoever), and B’s last name is very obviously Russian-Jewish (but his family hasn’t lived in Russia for generations), so now everybody assumes I’m Russian
Ah — it is a bit of a conundrum when the last names are from different culures. It is less of a conflict when the two last names are Smith and Brown than when they are Smith and Chang. I hyphenated with DH’s pretty Asian last name and it works for me. In particular, I am a feminist, wanted to keep my name, but wanted a name that “matched” in some way my future children’s, AND I did not want people to assume I was Asian. Although once my kids got into school I became Mrs. (Dh’s name). Kids don’t do hypehns well. I feel strongly that siblings should all have the same last name — whatever was chosen. But with our daughter adopted from China, at least her last name is Chinese. I have heard many adult adoptees who have had to deal with having last names that are caucasian and they face the reverse problem that I wanted to avoid and that Lisa described — being assumed to be white and then showing up with their Asian face. Why, by the way is it so important to A for HFC to have a western first name? In any event, keeping her given Chinese names does give her a choice. We did not keep our daughter’s Chinese surname — we replaced it with DH’s because it was not an auspicious name. It basically just referred to her city and would have broadcast to any Chinese that she was adopted. We kept her personal name. It means magnificent feelings. Anyway, my two cents.
DS-L
having the same name as my children was a big reason for my namechange. We could give the cildren my name (that was a very new law when my son was born) but my name was so very common and my husbands far better so therefor I have my new name and it feel so so good (I had a name like jones or something you always had to explain who you are even after saying your name) .
Ultimately, I changed my name so that my “future” children would have the same name. Honestly? I was afraid that if my children looked more like my India-born husband, that it might be a problem having different last names. Also, it’s crazy the stuff you are given access to information-wise when you share the same last name with your husband. I’ve been shocked at what information customer service reps have released to me simply because I have the samelast name.
I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss my maiden name. I DO (my husband is Catholic and his Anglo-style, British Colony Legacy last name is plain and boring compared to MY maiden name, ironically enough – people often think I KEPT my married name). The compromise is that I took my maiden name as my middle name, so in a pinch, I can go by my “full” name. The downside, is that my former middle name was my MOM’s maiden name, so she was hurt when I dropped it.
I will say this, if you go from a traditional 3 word name (i.e. First, Middle, Last) and mess with the formula, be prepared for lots of filing mistakes and misinformation. In college, I worked in a variety of customer service positions and sometimes, it took some SERIOUS digging to find customer files when names weren’t in the traditional format. I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t stray from the traditional format, just giving you a heads up that information and files may be misplaced in the future. Hyphenated names cause much confusion, also. After awhile, you will figure out all the various combinations of possible mistakes and that will make it easier.
I think it’s great that you have put such careful consideration into this. A name is part of someone’s identify and announces to the world much about who they are.
I use both my maiden name and my married name in different contexts. For professional/business purposes, I use only my maiden name, which people find easier to spell and pronounce and I’ve always thought it sounded cool. Legally my name is hyphenated. I like the sound of your name being hyphenated…what is your objection to that?
Now I actually wish I could drop my husband’s name because people have problems spelling it. Here in the midwest there don’t seem to be any Portuguese people so the name is very foreign to everyone I encounter. But, my children all have the same last name so I’m stuck with it.
I’d never change my last name. For me, struggling already with how much of my old self I’ve given up for my marriage, losing my name also (it happens to be very unusual, and my husband’s last name very common) is not an issue.
But – I’m sure you will consider the exact naming of the HFC once you know what his/her Chinese name is? We kept our daughter’s Chinese given name, or at least we think we did. What we kept is the version we were given, by her orphanage, of the Pinyin. In fact, there are other equally valid, quite different, and more common transliterations of those characters into Pinyin, and in any case the area was Cantonese – speaking. Her surname was, as in a comment above, a name that broadcast that she was in an orphanage. I have the character if she wants it, but I did not feel there was any benefit in keeping it part of her American name.
Above is by way of saying, it can be so complicated once the specifics arrive.
I haven’t taken DH’s last name. It rhymes with my name, and then it sounds like something from Mother Goose. He said the same thing when we were discussing it. And, yes, the thought of taking his name (pleasing sounds aside) is squidgy for me, as well–I was steeped in the Women’s Movement during the 60s and 70s.
We thought about giving the dotter a hyphenated last name, but then it was getting truly unweildy. We have (Western first name) (Western middle name) (Chinese name) (his last name). Tacking my name onto the end, my husband joked, would make her name have every letter in the alphabet!
From what I’ve been able to discern, mainland Chinese women don’t take their husband’s name when they get married. Is this true? If it’s so, then your decision fits in quite well.
I don’t agree that a name is “the symbol” of the family unit. It is _a_ symbol but one I obviously don’t place much value with. I kept my last name, my husband kept his; we intend to give female children my last name and male children his, although I imagine we’ll renegotiate if both children are the same gender. My mom keeps saying inane things like, “how will people know you’re all the same family if you have different names?” which I think is stupid. We’ll be their parents, they’ll live with us – there are so many better ways to define a family than by name. So what if people have to work harder?
It’s a personal decision. Good luck figuring it all out.
I wholeheartedly feel squicky about the idea that everyone in a family needs the same last name to be a “real” family. I kept my name because it is my name. My children are my children although they have their father’s last name. (I know people do put some consideration of which parent’s family name to pass along to children, but passing along my name was never my intent although I did snub the patriarchy by giving my firstborn my mother’s maiden name as a given name.)
Neither of my Chinese sisters-in-law nor my Chinese best friend changed their last names upon marriage either. Even my mother-in-law still carries her family-of-origin name on much paperwork as well as amongst her family. That tells me all I need to know about the cultural paradigms of “last” names and family units.
Growing up I always knew I would keep my own name, and thought the idea of changing it for my husband was ridiculous. Since I married a woman instead, all bets were off, though. We both hyphenated our names about a year after our wedding for two reasons: one being that even with a shared last name many people refuse to see us as a family, and the other being that we both really wanted to share our child’s last name. And that does feel really, really good.
But I’m still amazed at how many people are thrown off by one family having more than one last name, or a hyphenated name.
I have an ‘unweildy’ hyphenated last name–from my own parents. There are only 4 people on earth with that last name, and I love that. I didn’t take my husband’s last name for a few reasons–one is that I like my last name and couldn’t imagine having a different name, and the other is that with what I do professionally, I didn’t want to ever be accused of misrepresentation by using a Chinese last name while being white.
My last name is also representative of my culture, which I want to keep. We plan on the kids using my husband’s last name, and me going informally by that last name with school stuff, but never legally changing it.
Before my (female) partner and I got married we talked a lot about changing our names. We thought we’d decide by the wedding, but since it wasn’t legal, we’d still need to fill out the name change paperwork separately. So we didn’t really decide. Then, I was going to change my last name to hers if/when we got legally married. I didn’t generally think that sharing a last name with our kids would matter, but since I wouldn’t be a legal parent, I thought it might make some things easier. Also, I wanted to make the fact that we are a family more obvious.
But then I realized that in our liberal college town most women don’t share a last name with their kids. And practically none of our close friends changed names when they got married. Mostly, I realized I just couldn’t do it. It just felt weird.
A few days before she was born, we decided to give my last name as a middle name to our daughter. I’m sure she won’t use it. Actually I sort of hope she doesn’t since that will make her initials vaguely obscene. We’ll probably do the same thing with any future child since the plan is that I will birth them, and I don’t want anyone to think that either kid is somehow more mine/my partner’s.
Sorry that was long and probably unhelpful. I guess it boils down to: Names don’t really matter, except they kind of do.
I kept my last name when we got married, and then changed to Mark’s about a year later, for a variety of complicated reasons. Sometimes I still wish I hadn’t changed it, but I’m used to it now, and it does make things easier in a family where K has his mom’s last name. If I’d stuck with mine we’d have had three different names in the family, which was kind of unwieldy. So I do know what you’re dealing with and how difficult the decision can be. So no advice, but I’m sure you’ll come to a decision that’s right for you.
Noah once asked me to change my name to “match” the family. I told him he and Madison (or maybe it was before Madison — I don’t remember) have their dad’s name because it really mattered to their dad’s family. I told him that keeping my name really mattered to *me*. So I kept it. I would feel a huge huge loss to give up my name plus Brett’s name would sound STUPID with my first name (you hear my screams, sister, I know). I think it would be legitimate to say that to HFC — we gave you dad’s last name because it really mattered to some of the grown-up people in our lives but you can choose (and M can choose) to change that when you’re older. That’s a fair explanation. Keeping as much as you can sounds like a reasonable option.
Before we got married my partner and I talked a lot about names- we both were pretty attached to ours. We eventually decided to combine our names- I got the first two letters and he got the last three. The resulting name is pretty ambiguious, ethnically (he is Indian and I am a white American), which works for us. I don’t think I could of changed my name wholesale to his- precisely because of those squidgy feminist feelings.
Like Rose, I have an ‘unwieldy’ hyphenated name. I’ve always liked it because it reflects my biraciality. It is, however, extremely long. I also have a double first name. Although I like people to use both, the decision is generally made for me by people who find it burdensome to pronounce five syllables.
My female partner and I plan to change our names. At least, I do. However, now that we are actually working out the logistics, I am not sure I want to give her the first half of my last name. I love how it sounds with my name. I’m attached to it because I share it with my enormous extended family. Within the context of the Pueblo community, it does mark which village I am from.
Nonetheless, it is a Spanish name. I only have this name because several hundred years ago, some priest gave his own name to all the Pueblo folks he baptized. Currently, there are people in my community who have “reclaimed” their clan names as their last names, rather than use names given us by our oppressors.
So, I’m torn. I love my name but I am humiliated by its history. (It poses additional issues for me at work, where everyone assumes I speak Spanish because of my name. I’d guess I have to explain I am not Latina between one and six times everyday.) When my partner and I do go through changing our names, I may keep the hyphen, but substitute my partner’s last name for my current white one, and replace my Spanish last name with a clan name.
As for children? I am not sure. We both don’t mind hyphenating. I grew up with a hyphen and know it’s not that burdensome. It is also more and more common. The main issue is whose name comes first.
Children’s names are traditionally tied to one of their parents. I have two friends whose children took their names rather than their husband’s because it was important to the women, but less so to the men.
You are giving your child the option of using whichever family name she may choose to use in the future. However, I would not change my name if it’s important to you to keep it.
I changed my name because I liked Bert’s name better, that simple. I think choice is what it is all about.
Okay, I didn’t read any of the above comments before writing this, so I don’t know how this reads in the context of the preceding comments.
I think there are a lot of good reasons for women to keep their maiden names when married: if the woman is published, or established professionally with that name, it can be confusing to change names, also changing names makes it hard to be located by people from your past (if you want to be found).
Changing your name is symbolic of the patriarchal nature of our culture, however, I’m not sure how keeping your “maiden name” changes this. Technically your maiden name isn’t really yours either, it’s your father’s. In this regard I really like how Icelandic naming works.
Tina and I married quite young, and she took my family name. I’m glad she did, I’m sure partly because of my male ego, but also because I like having one family name together.
As to your adopted child’s Chinese name, you may want to think twice about keeping all of it. Many of the surnames used by S.W.I.’s are taken from the region or city of their location. In China the names are obviously “orphanage names” and have a stigma to them. Our son’s surname was Dang, meaning “The Party” as in The Communist Party because he was to be raised by the S.W.I. which belonged to The People, hence he was to be raised by The Party.
In the West, we thought having the name “Dang” (pronounced “Dong”) wasn’t going to be a lot of fun to grow up with, and he was no longer being raised by The Party. We dropped that part of his name.
I have been struggling with this EXACT same thing.
I wrote a post contemplating our daughter’s present and future names, and how that subject ties in with the fact that it was very important to me to NOT change my name when I get married.
http://jesuswasnotarepublican.blogspot.com/2006/06/names-to-change-or-not-to-change.html
I still ponder whether it will be easier on our child if I have the same last name she has. However, I think that keeping my own name also serves an important purpose: Teaching her that a woman’s name is her choice, and she does not need to give in to convention and change it. We will support her in whatever future decisions she makes regarding her names… Perhaps when she becomes an adult she will go back to the name she was given at birth, I don’t know. (In our case we are keeping her birth middle name but changing her birth first name.) She will have four names: Newfirstname Birthmiddlename Mylastname Myhusband’slastname.
I disagree with this comment from Scott “Technically your maiden name isn’t really yours either, it’s your father’s.” A woman’s maiden name (in the case of non-adopted individuals) is the name she’s had since birth, and all of her accomplishments and history tie to that name. It is most certainly her name. I think the point he was making was that one’s maiden name is still part of a patriarchical naming convention, and that is true.
It’s funny how many people are commenting on this thread- it’s a popular subject!
I struggle with this too — long term boyfriend is Mexican-American and has a Spanish last name. My last name sounds German Jewish, and oddly enough we got something in the mail last week that was addressed to my boyfriend’s first and last name plus my last name, which was rather funny, because my boyfriend’s first name is a very unusual Spanish/Italian name. That brought up a discussion- maybe he should switch to my last name.
Because my name is Lisa, if I take my boyfriend’s Spanish last name upon marriage, my name will sound very Latina. If my boyfriend, whose goes by a nickname (because of his hard-to-pronounce first name) that is very old school East-Coastish, took my Jewish sounding last name, everyone would assume he was Jewish!
It’s kinda funny when you think about it. Anyway, I’ve decided that I’ll keep my maiden name as a middle name, and go from there (I think I’ll sign my name with both last names, but not hypenated). I’m a writer and my “pen name” will always be my maiden name, but I want to have the same legal last name as my husband for the benefit of our kids.
Oh and one more thing- I think my boyfriend’s last name sounds pretty and my maiden name is hard to spell, and though it’s more common back in New York where my family is from, out here in SoCal, many people don’t know how to pronounce it either.
I know this sounds lame, but if his last name didn’t “sound nice” I might not be so inclined to take it!
I had a collegue who married into an indian family and her children had western first names and eastern middle names and the husband’s eastern last name. She had some of the same issues you are talking about here, although her children were not adopted.
What she did was she had a “professional” name and a family name. Professionally, she used her maiden name, which I think remained her official name? but in every other aspect of life, she used her husband’s name. I would think this would be very confusing, but she said it really wasn’t since her professional life was pretty separate from everything else and most people knew she went by the two different names. Worked for her, I guess. Just a thought I’d throw out there.
My children share my last name, but have their father’s name as a middle name. It seemed to be the less confusing thing for us since the kid’s live with me. But we are in directories as Lisa, Naim and Aaron X and D. Y. People just seem to go with it so far. I’m not changing my name if I ever get married, and since the children have my name it works out. It seems like since the mother is usually the primary caretaker, the kids should get her name for practicallities sake, but I know it is a very personal decision.
Lot’s of feedback already.
Really the only reason I am even leaving a comment is because we are in a similar place in some ways because there will be a lot of name changing going on.
Not that I am thinking of changing my last name, it never even occurred to me.
But, we will be looking at changing the last names of three of our children in the near future.
Since we have been married. I have been Gawdessness Oyster and my huband has been Delwin Cabana.
We had a first child, Bionical Cabana.
Second child Turtle Cabana. She was actually going to be Turtle Oyster but my husband’s mother died just before she was born so I decided to allow her to carry her grandmother’s full name.
When she was less than two she renamed herself Turtle Oyster Cabana. We decided to wait until she was older and if she still wanted both last names we would pay for the name change. She still wants them and she would like it made legal.
Now we have two more kids. They come complete with full names that they have had for 7 and 10 years respectively.
Brick Path Lammle and Spring Lammle.
In January, when the adoption goes through…Brick has been very clear that he wants his name to be Brick Path Lammle Oyster Cabana. I think it is long but it makes him very happy. Spring just shrugs her shoulders so we are going to take the same approach with her as we have done with our older daughter.
For what it is worth, the kids, none of them have ever found any of the stuff with different last names as confusing and only outsiders who are really determined not to understand
every have any trouble with it. So I just speak slowly and clearly until they get it and there you are.
Our family is also adopting but from Korea not China. We are a family like yours where the wife is white and the husband is Asian. BTW, I love your blog since I can relate to alot of it within my own family of 3. Anyway, I didn’t change my name either after getting married, not even when our bio son was born and probably won’t even when we finish the adoption process for our second child. For our first child, we picked a bilingual name with different meanings and pronunciations depending on which side of the family is saying it. Our son’s middle name is my dad and grandfather’s first name. That is how we kept the connection to my family despite my son having his dad’s last name and not mine. For the second child, we may keep the original name if it is not too strange, or go with a bilingual name again, or use a double middle name with a family member’s name in it from my side of the family. DH wants to go with a pure Korean first name but we have yet to decide on a name. Good luck
My wife and I both hyphenated when we were married. It was a way to share a last name without either of us having to give up their own.
Since we’ll be giving our not-home-yet son a hyphenated last name, we decided he should have just one first and middle name on paper, but we’ll always let him know about his other names. If he wants to change any part of it later, that’s fine with us – especially since we’ve both messed with the names our parents gave us.
A hyphenated name can be a burden to bare at times, and our son will probably hate us when he’d learning how to write, but actually in his culture it’s the norm to have two last names.
Our son was born in Latin America, to his (Latino) father and me (White Canadian). There, the naming tradition is: father’s father’s last name followed by mother’s father’s last name.
Therefore, Jose Manuel A B marries Maria Auxiliadora C D.
There daughter is Soledad Alicia A C. Informally, Jose Manuel may refer to himself as Jose A or Jose Manuel A. Maria Auxiliadora may refer to herself as Maria C, Maria C de A (the one that makes me shudder), Mariuxi C de A, or whatever.
The family is referred to as an entity by the child’s combination of names, i.e. “Familia A C”.
Since I already have a hyphenated last name (although backwards, my mother’s last name comes first) our son followed (however imperfectly) that naming convention. Except rather than father’s father’s last name followed by mother’s father’s last names, our son has father’s father’s followed by mother’s mother’s last name, because of the order of my last names.
For me, it has put to rest the old refrain of: But what if you marry someone who ALSO has a hyphenated name. What then, huh? huh?
Because now, there is a very logical answer to that question.
BTW, it never occured to me to take my husband’s last name. Especially because it means Cow.
It is hard to change your last name. It is like starting over…When I got married I was freaking out about changing my name, who would this Maryellen G be???How would people that I knew but didn’t see very often know it was me if they saw my name on a list, or heard my new name in a conversation?? My sister didn’t change her last name but her children have hers and her husbands last name. Made it tough on her kindergartener when she had to write her first and last name(s).
, but it does establish our family on one unit. I guess it made us closer or tighter as a family.
In hindsight changing my last name didn’t change me (much anyway
Do what makes you happy. Lots of women keep their maiden names and are still referred to by their husbands last name:)
Good luck,
Maryellen
I did not change my name 10 years ago when I married. I wasn’t particularly attached to my FATHER’S name, but I didn’t want to take my husband’s name. He didn’t want to change names, so we just kept the names we had. When we had our kids, I got to pick the first names and we gave them his last name (again, he was more attached to his than I was to mine).
However, I recently added his last name to mine as a hyphenated name because I now feel it’s important to me to have the same last name as my kids (2 and 4). I am brown-looking (Latina) and my kids are white-looking. I’ve been asked if I was their nanny 3 times already–even with my child in the sling! When we traveled, I felt as though security people were looking at me with suspicion, asking for my kids’ IDs and comparing them to mine. I just got an overall paranoia (of the kind in “Protecting the Gift”), and decided I’d feel better if I had their name, so I added it.
This time, it felt right to add their name to mine, mb cuz it was my kids’ name instead of just my husband’s…
Good luck with your decision!
Stella
Oh, I have gone through all of these questions many times myself. When I got married, I did not change my name legally, but used a hyphenated name in some contexts. I could never quite figure out what to do. Now that we have N, I don’t hyphenate at all, and I’ve gone back to just using my own name all of the time. We gave N a hyphenated last name, so she has the name the links us all together. We kept her entire Chinese name too. So she is N…. Q.. L.. S.. B….-S….. We made all three parts of her Chinese name seperate as a middle name. It works out fine, even if it is a little squished on forms. People generally write her middle initial as Q, and don’t use initials for the other parts of her middle name(s). Anyway, not sure that is helpful, but that’s what we did. People we know were concerned that her name was too long, but it is never a problem. I hope this means she will have a lot of choices later in life when it comes to what she wants to be called. If you want to know what her whole name is–just to get a sense of the sound of it (and it sounds great!), let me know. Or maybe you already do know her full name. Not sure. Anyway, good luck with the decision.
I didn’t change my name because it just didn’t feel right. I played around with it, signing MD’s name a few times on credit card receipts, and every time I did it felt wrong. People still call me Mrs. MD. I was amazed that the hospital I delivered at acted like I was the first woman to not take her husband’s name. They couldn’t figure out how the paperwork should be or what name should be on the bassinette.
It’s fine with me that Jamie has MD’s last name. It was a personal decision for me. It was about how I felt not about making a statement like people sometimes assume. It was important to MD that Jamie has his name so that’s how we did it.
However, when Jamie was in the hospital last month, I had to show my id when buying my food because my last name was different than the one on my “parent” name badge. THat made me feel almost paranoid, like without the name I couldn’t lay claim to him. That was probably sleep deprivation for the most part and it won’t make me change but it gave me something to think about. Just how things like that might happen in the future. Again, it amazes me that it is still so uncommon, but probably 90% of the married women I know of my generation professionally kept their names so it’s normal in my circle.
To second Ally, above, all five of my closest female friends did not change their names when they got married, and neither did I. However, I have read many times that the vast majority of women still do. I’m not sure why the social circle I belong to is so different–maybe because we all went to graduate school?
For me, part of the issue was that I earned a doctorate a few months before I got married, and I am proud of the work I did to achieve that–especially since it took 6 years and much of my sanity!
Anyway, although I had never really planned to change my name, I did consider it before we got married, but the idea of being called “Dr. (Married Name)” instead of “Dr. (Maiden Name)” just didn’t sit well with me. To me, it almost felt like my husband’s family was getting the honor of the title instead of my family, if that makes any sense.
As for kids, our first is due next month, and they will have their father’s last name. I really don’t care about “passing down” my name, and he is the only male child of his parents, so it’s kind of a bigger deal to them. I also am not one that believes that a shared name is *the* symbol of a family unit–many cultures do not share names between parents, and no one appears to get confused!
I have, however, found that people in this culture do STILL get confused by the fact that my husband and I have different last names, which I find kind of odd and amusing. We adopted a dog last year, and I put both of our names on the form, and somehow our information got entered as “Anne and Joe (My Last Name)/(His Last Name).” Very weird. Oh well.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the name change issue before I got married a year ago, and came to the conclusion that it was a question of values for me. It was of primary importance to me that we, as a family, shared a family name, because that symbolised belonging, and embracing each other. I was very flexible about how to get to that common name – including weird anagrams of our names – but my husband was much less flexible about that, and keeping his family name was really important for a range of reasons. (He also wasn’t very amused by my kooky suggestions!)
Since we both have multisyllable, frequently misspelled names, using both just sounds ridiculous and is way unwieldy. So, in the end, my need to have a common name and my desire to keep my maiden name were in conflict, and the common name won out. We’re both taking my maiden name as a middle name so that I don’t feel too bereft.
The weird thing is, having gone through this whole lengthy and somewhat traumatic decision process, it turned out to be too difficult to legally change my name (I’m an international student with a legal house of cards – visa, passport, university documentation all have to agree) and we decided just to not implement the change – as a result of which I constantly forget which name I’m supposed to use in what circumstances… And, since in our county I could change my name for free on getting married, but he would have to pay, we haven’t actually done anything official about name changes. But, I think a lot of naming is an emotional rather than a legal issue, and I’ve started doing the emotional work to change.
You decide what works for you.
Oh, so much to say, so little time. I consider myself a feminist and yet I changed my name when I got married. I find it humorous that people think that by changing my name I am somehow less of a feminist. It was not a choice I made lightly; it was a decision I made after a lot of thought. My decision was made for a variety of deeply personal reasons, among them the fact that my husband and I are both of African-American descent, so our last names are not truly ours to begin with. We can both trace our ancestry back to slavery. Slaves were seldom allowed to marry, and certainly did not take each other’s names. And then there is the whole modern phenomenon of “baby’s mamas” and the decline of marriage in the black community. It was hugely important to me that we be married and that we share the same name. Since we both have ridiculously generic American names, and since mine was handed down from a father who disappeared from my life when I was less than a year old, I didn’t have any sentimental attachment to my surname at all.
I didn’t mean to hijack your comments; this is just a perspective that I haven’t seen come up yet.
I can understand why this is a big deal for you. It doesn’t seem like you have been able to identify exactly why. But when you say It would be a fundamental shift in my self identification away from that of an individual to being one member of the larger family unit, well, that seems to be it. And that is a total cultural difference between the American (rugged individualism, me me me) versus the Chinese (familial and filial loyalty) view of life. So once again, the cultural stuff has come back to bite you on the ass. Damn cultural stuff.
Wow I never comment, but I have to weigh in on this one. I took my husband’s last name and kept my maiden name as a second middle name. First I have to say that NOBODY gets my name right and it has caused all sorts of paperwork problems as we attempt to adopt internationally. Biggest of all though, is that 5 Years later, I’m still not used to it. Once you get all the way through college and graduate school and have established a real identity with your maiden name, it’s very difficult to get used to being called something else. If I had to do it again, I don’t think I would change it.
It never occurred to me to change my last name, even when I was a little girl, and even with a lifetime of having it spelled and pronounced incorrectly (it’s kind of long and very ethnic). Then when I ended up marrying a WASP I really didn’t consider changing my name. I think I would have had an easier time changing to another ethnicity entirely than to the sort of ethnicity void of New England WASPS (as my husband’s family presents–I know there’s plenty of interesting WASP culture, just not in my husband’s family).
Had my husband’s last name been Ng, I would have changed in a heartbeat, because who could resist a last name with only two letters and no vowels?! But anything else would have been a major, major decision and compromise of myself and my values for me.
I always assumed I’d just give my kids my husband’s last name. After our first son was born my husband told me he would have really fought if he’d had to to give him his last name, and I was intrigued by that because it had never been an issue with me. But now as we’re thinking about child three, I’m starting to want that child to have my last name. I’m not exactly sure why yet, though.
This has nothing to do with your situation, Amber, since we don’t have the adoption angle, but I figured I’d add another comment to the heap.
As an adult adoptee, there was NO WAY I was going to change my name when I got married. Plus, I am hapa, and if I changed to my husband’s Irish-American surname, I would lose my Asian name. NOoOOOOO! Our daughters have his last name as their surname and my last name as their middle name, although they are talking about wanting to legally hyphenate instead and be Myname-Hisnames instead. People call us the Myname-Hisname family all the time, even though that is not our “legal” name.
You just want an Asian last name so you sound smart.
My (Chinese-American) SIL insisted that my husband hyphenate his name, and she hyphenated hers. This was part of her plan to raise their future children to claim both sides of the family heritage. (My brother and I are white.) As it happens, we’re Norwegian/German-American and my SIL also plans to give the kids Norwegian first names and her parents will give them Chinese second names. This means that my brother will, thanks to my SIL, become more explicitly “Norwegian-American” (thanks to SIL’s efforts to provide equal opportunity festivities) than he has been.
Oh, and they practice a Japenese form of Buddhism. Just to confuse the issue. (That was a popular issue with SIL’s family. Ha.)
Anyway, I took my husband’s name and am now SERIOUSLY considering going back to my maiden name for my tenth wedding anniversary. Changing it never felt right for me. I debate changing the kids’ names (going with the hyphen) but that’s really less of an issue for me than my own name.
I originally changed my name so I would share a name with the kids, but now I realize, I’ll be “Mrs. X” to their friends regardless of whether my last name is X or Z, and I feel like their mommy regardless.
Obviously it’s an intensely personal decision. Good luck.
OK- I read some of the comments but not all. I kept my name name and am very happy about that. Mary Townsend Whidden (My name is my grandmother’s first name, my mother’s maiden name for a middle name, and my fathers family name.) I can’t give up my name- it would be like giving up part of my family. I never wanted to change it and never will- although after 9 years of marraige I do finally respond politely when I am called by my husband’s name.
Our daughter has his last name. (I chose an old family last name for her first name). And since our names are on our blog I will post it here. So our daughter from China is Langley Elizabeth BaoLai Phillips. I kept Bao Lai- from China but smooshed it together, and gave her Elizabeth because I like the flow after Langley.
I have no advice but I feel for you. I have very supportive in-laws, my MIL thinks it is great I kept my name (but thinks it is great that Langley has her father’s).
Good Luck!!
I spent a lot of time thinking about what to do with my last name when I got married. My maiden name is Italian and my husband’s is Southeast Asian/Muslim. I was very attached to my name and was honestly worried about being confronted and questioned by curious people wondering how someone who looked like me ended up with that last name. At the same time, I also knew that I wanted the same last name as our future children. I have watched my sister in law struggle with her decision to keep her name as her children have become school aged. I noticed that she has unoffically changed her name to her husband’s just to keep things easier. I decided eventually to keep my maiden name as my middle name and take my husband’s name as my last. Now, six years married, and one child later, I am very pleased with my decision. It turned out to be the best thing for me and our family. I know how tough the decision is and I wish you the best.
Oh, and I’m Mrs. Husband’s Last Name when it suits the situation. I used to feel like it was wimping out to use my husband’s easier name at the dry cleaner, etc., but then my brother pointed out that Mrs. Husband’s Last Name was my title, and your title isn’t necessarily your name. I could be Alexandra Von Beckenstein, Countess of Marlborough, and it would be the same thing.
maybe I should just change my name to Alexandra Von Beckenstein, Countess of Marlborough.
it seems to me that a’s last name is not the “family name” (because if it were, wouldn’t you have had the same dilemma when your daughter was born?), but rather the name your family gives to its children. you could have given your daughter your name, a hyphenated name, or another name altogether (i know folks who have done both). i’m sure you had good reasons for giving your daughter a’s name, but keeping your own. i don’t see why it’s any different this time around?
I use my maiden name. Our daughter is named: New English name, Chinese given name, my last name, DHs last name. Our bio son has Given name, Middle name, My last name, DHs last name. My last name is a middle name for both kids, not part of their last name. Anyhow, DH and I lived in the province of Quebec when we got married. Women in Quebec do NOT change their names…if you do want to take your husband’s name, you have to apply and pay for a legal name change! We’ve since moved and now live in an area where I’d say about half the women take their husband’s last names. I have no intention of changing my last name to DHs. Honestly, mine is much nicer and easier to spell!!lol This being said, sometimes if I call somewhere about DS, I’ll use the same last name as his in order to avoid confusion. However, I simply could not change my name… it’s just not in me. Maybe I’m rebelling because my mother not only uses my father’s last name, she uses his first name too… she’s nameless now!lol She refers to herself as Mrs. Husband’s given Name, Husband’s last name…that’s way too much of a loss of identity for me!
Julie
Bottom line: it’s a personal choice. You could read 100 people’s stories and you’re still going to feel “squidgy” about it. For me, I went Asian with the last name (even though I’m white). I love my maiden name, but I figure when we have kids we should “match.”
I also wanted to obscure my identity from anyone I used to know from my hometown. Basically, I don’t want anyone to google my old name and find me. Now I’m totally anonymous and I completely created a new identity. Not that I really need to hide myself, but it’s neat to be someone new. “The Blonde Asian,” if you will.
Also for me changing my name conferred power to me as a person in my family. I have power as Mrs. W__. I can call my husband’s workplace, or even various different accounts and say, “I’m Mrs. W__ and need this…” and I get it, no questions asked. Also I have power in my husband’s family (even though I am only #2 son’s wife…) as one of them.
Finally, there *for sure* is an aspect of me loving my maiden name and wishing for it back. But I feel like that’s a price I have to pay to be married. Also I am white & I have an Asian last name. I really screw with people, especially Asians, when I say my name!! Ha! It would make more sense if I had my maiden name, but why not screw with people in the world, you know? It breaks down barriers, even my own.
As far as HFC goes, I’m sure that she/he will want to have the family name and to belong name-wise.