Craziness.

So I think the wait is getting to me. I have been both extremely anxious and super-superstitious. I am usually not a person who is prone to anxiety or very superstitious, so I am blaming it on the adoption stress. Really. I am not an anxious person.

For example, when A and I flew to Philly I became convinced that we were going to crash and die. I didn’t care about the imminent death so much as leaving M with no will stating our plans for guardianship and the rules for her trust fund if we died. (The trust fund would come from the insurance money, not because we have trust funds around here.)

It was really, really bothering me so I forced A to type something up stating that we want M to go to my SIL (A’s older sister) and BIL and she can’t get a dime until she is 32 except for reasonable living expenses. So we typed it up at the airport and emailed it to Dawn and to my BIL. Then I felt completely free to enjoy my vacation anxiety free.

I have also mentioned that I am feeling very anxious about jinxing our referral chances by doing anything to prepare for the baby. No sorting of baby clothes, no pricing of plane tickets, and no talking about the baby’s name (though discussing my name is deemed acceptable…remind me to follow up on that later).

I have been completely avoiding doing anything directly baby-related, but I may still be jinxing it by doing things that are peripherally baby-related but pretending they aren’t. You know, things like getting the hardwood floors refinished (because we can’t do it with a baby in the house), getting our Xmas card list together (because we will be too busy to make a list if we get a referral in December), hiring new cleaning ~~gnomes~~ people (because lord knows I am not going to be cleaning once the baby gets here) etc.

Unfortunately, I feel very superstitious but I also have poor impulse control. While I said I wouldn’t do anything to get ready for the baby, that didn’t stop me from:

Buying random baby clothes (hopefully negating the jinx by buying clothes for both boys and girls and that can be gifted to friends and relatives if we don’t get a referral soon),

Buying a carseat (negating the jinx because it was on sale! Free shipping! I needed it sooner or later anyway!)

Trolling stroller~~whorehouses~~ websites (No way to negate the jinx. I have a stroller problem and I know it. I am leaning toward the Bumbleride flyer 2006 model, unless someone knows of 3 wheeled stroller with a reversible seat. Discuss.)

Asking Shannon to do a tarot card reading about the adoption for me (well, the adoptoin willl happen sooner or later no matter what I do, why not have a little fun?)

Totally freaking out about what Shannon read in the cards (She thought twins or something. This led to a very interesting dinner conversation with A tonight that could be a whole other post describing my feelings about certain ~~crazy wackjobs~~ members of the Chinese adoption community that can’t help but email people claiming their kid might be a twin to some other kid and wanting freaking DNA tests)

Asking my friend Paige (who is also anxiously waiting a referral from another country) if she wants come with me to try to find a local psychic because even though I only sort of believe in the tarot cards, I am LOSING MY FUCKING MIND HERE and now I MUST KNOW MORE.

How does one go about finding a reputable psychic anyway?

luolin

November 22, 2006 at 2:58 am · Reply

The problem with going to a psychic is that it might be like the Tarot reading and freak you out more. Whether or not she/he is a good one.

I hope you just get the referral soon.

OmegaMom

November 22, 2006 at 3:06 am · Reply

Oh, I hope you get a referral soon, so you can leave the uncertainty behind and dive full-force into the ohmigod-we’re-going-to-China-in-four-six-weeks whirlpool. The uncertainty is what would get to me.

Johnny

November 22, 2006 at 3:32 am · Reply

Meh.

Elizabeth

Just wanted to say thank you for the stroller link, I’ve been looking for one for ages and haven’t found just the right one until I saw the one you linked. Thank you!

shelly

November 22, 2006 at 3:43 am · Reply

I want the same stroller in “bamboo” yee haw! Well, you know I’m in an equally anxious place these days. You’re in good company.

Lisa V

November 22, 2006 at 3:56 am · Reply

I have a friend who has beautiful 10 year old twin girls she adopted from China 2 years ago.

Kari

November 22, 2006 at 3:57 am · Reply

Oh my gosh. We have quite the stockpile of “if not for the baby, then it could always be a gift” items over here as well. Though no infant carseat yet! Bold move.

mamamarta

November 22, 2006 at 3:58 am · Reply

i actually have friends whose chinese daughter has an identical twin who they found through a friend-of-a-friend “hey your kid looks like my friend’s kid” situation when the girls were three.

Scott O

November 22, 2006 at 7:42 am · Reply

“reputable psychic”
goes on the list with Jumbo Shrimp and Military Intelligence

shayneegray

November 22, 2006 at 9:44 am · Reply

Have you checked out the Zooper line of strollers?

Lynne

November 22, 2006 at 4:15 pm · Reply

We have the Zooper Boogie – 3 wheeled and reversable seat. LOVE IT for around the neighborhood and big days out. Have a smaller stroller for quick trips to the store.

Compa

November 22, 2006 at 4:56 pm · Reply

AmFam: now that you know your referral is close, have you gone back to preparing to ABF? Is that still something you want to try?

Benignneglect

November 22, 2006 at 5:00 pm · Reply

Sweets, if Shannon is not available I lay a tarot for you … and cross fingers, toes etc and throw salt over my shoulder… (only serious about the tarot!!)

November 22, 2006 at 5:09 pm · Reply

PS: Do you need a baby blanket? I have been making them since I had my home study done…

Sister Carrie

November 22, 2006 at 5:59 pm · Reply

Forget the Tarot cards. This is a Chinese baby. You need to use the I Ching. Even Carl Jung believed in it. There are some online versions. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Ching

Julie

November 22, 2006 at 6:48 pm · Reply

I am also a self confessed stroller addict (http://emmaandthomas.blogspot.com/2006/07/my-name-is-julie-and-im-addictlol.html). I’ve been eyeing the Bumbleride, but I really can’t justify another stroller unless I can talk DH into another adoption!lol However, I love my Bebecar stroller and they have a 3 wheeler with a reversible seat – check it out!! If this link doesn’t work, you can e-mail me at the address listed on my blog and I’ll send it along. If the link takes you to the homepage but not a specific stroller, look under strollers for the Racer STS model… a real beauty isn’t it?lol (http://www.bebecar.com/menus/bebecar/racer_sts/racer_sts_ing.html)

abebech

November 22, 2006 at 9:15 pm · Reply

I did everything here but the tarot.
Love your stroller – we went for one that had a place for ds (5) to stand too, though.

Margie

November 23, 2006 at 1:46 am · Reply

It will happen in time. You aren’t jinxing it by planning. I hope the stress diminishes, because I know it can be brutal.

November 23, 2006 at 2:44 am · Reply

Please please please for the love of all that is holy go to an attorney and draw up an actual will – a piece of paper drawn up in an airport with no witnesses is not going to have much sway with a judge to indicate what you want to happen to your daughter should something happen to you. Lacking seeking out an actual lawyer, please go to the library and check out a copy of “Family Lawyer” and draw up a will from one of those in the book and sign it in front of two completely disinterested parties (i.e. NO ONE YOU ARE RELATED TO) and entrust a copy to someone you trust who never travels with you. PLEASE do this before you travel to China.

Gretchen
A midwestern lawyer mom who is adopting #2 from Vietnam

Shannon

November 23, 2006 at 3:04 am · Reply

In my own defense, I thought the reading was chock full o’ good news. But I wouldn’t go to a psychic who takes money. Never heard tell of one I’d trust.
But then, I only sort of believe in the tarot cards too…

DS-L

November 23, 2006 at 1:09 pm · Reply

I commiserate with the wait. So hard. I echo Gretcehen, too, though. You HAVE to do it. There is no guarantee without a will and your wishes made express what would happen with M. Your least favorite relative could fight like a mad dog for custody. Everyone with kids — get a will done.
DS-L

jon

November 23, 2006 at 6:03 pm · Reply

yup, the wait is hard on all of us.

Erin O'

November 25, 2006 at 10:11 pm · Reply

First, although the anxiety is getting to you, it’s making for fun-to-read posts! Also, if you would like to talk to a great astrologer, I’ve got one for you! Let me know and I’ll give you his info.

I just spoke to him about our adoption, (he does readings over the phone and then sends you the recorded conversation), and he gave us some specific dates to look for, travel indications, etc.

It is all VERY exciting.

Gillian

November 26, 2006 at 3:09 am · Reply

You made my day! There was a point in my life when I was fed up with being psychic. I wanted to be normal, anonymous and not feel obligated to read for people because I could. Happily, I was moving to CA to start a new job. It was just me and my daughter. I decided this was my chance to escape being so odd. I would be in a new place with new people and I just wouldn’t mention anything about being psychic and I would be free! Yo Ho said my inner pirate self.
I had been there about a week working as a programmer at the administrative offices of a retail business. A new friend stopped by my cubical and said I should come with her to the break room. I was happy to step away for a few minutes so I locked my keyboard and folllowed. There we were sitting and chatting with our sodas when this new friend said. “You know, I really wish I could talk this over with a psychic. Do you know any good psychics?” What are the bloody odds? I had decided to keep mum, but I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with straight out lying to someone about it. Hoist on my own petard. So, If you want to talk to a psychic just decide you want that and trust me, you will trip over one.
I would not trust any of the phone jobbies. I tried doing this at one point and if you are really psychic it just doesn’t work. Ten seconds after you hang up from one person the phone will ring with the next. I don’t think it is possible to really tune into people at that kind of machine gun speed. You need a minute to get back into your normal state and, for me, get hydrated. (I have no clue why, I just need water.) I was physically sick in 6 hours I tried it again in two days and the same thing. I resigned. Anyway, if you need one they will turn up.

kim.kim

November 27, 2006 at 9:37 am · Reply

I work as a tarot card reader. If you want a reading from me let me know, if you do then I won’t charge you but will ask you to contribute to our big sister project.

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Craziness.

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