For the last couple years, we haven’t had to deal with too many comments about M’s biracialness. It is probably because is out in the world with me more often than not and most people seem to just think she is white. The less attention we get the better, in my opinion.
Today, was the day we had to sign up for the next semester of Chinese classes. I send Mr. A the last time, but today I had to manage it because he had to work. I took M and went to stand in line. Because this is Chinese school, pretty much everyone there was Chinese…except me.
When we walked up to get in the line, a lady in front of us looked surprised and loudly said “Ooooh! Is she (M) going to take Chinese classes and learn Chinese?!?”
The entire line turned to look at us. My face turned bright red. M’s smiling face fell and she looked embarrased.
“Her dad is Chinese,” I said, “She can speak some Chinese and she also takes the classes here.”
“Ooooh.” the lady said, “She doesn’t look Chinese at ALL.”
Then she turned to her friends and they all stood there discussing all the parts of M that don’t look Chinese.
“Da bizi….zongse de toufa ….meiyou zhongguoren de…yanjing. Tade baba shi zhongguoren …..”
“Big nose….brown hair…..not Chinese…eyes. Her dad is chinese something something” Their heads shaking with disbelief.
I was surprised how much Chinese I was understanding. Unfortunately, I know those words because M knows them too.
M climbed into my arms and buried her head on my shoulder. She was hiding from the group of people discussing her appearance.
I didn’t know what I should do. If they had been white people, I would not have had the slightest problem saying something loudly about how rude they were being and how they were clearly upsetting M. But at Chinese school where we already stick out like a sore thumb? I couldn’t decide if it would be worse for M to be known as the girl with the crazy white mom who yells at people or to just shut up, turn away and hope they stopped sooner rather than later.
If Mr. A had been there, he could have put a stop to it.
But he wasn’t there, so I just stood there stupidly, trying not to cry because they were hurting my little girl. I am still trying not to cry because I know this is going to happen to her over and over in her lifetime.
Aughh! This post made me want to cry, too. It brought back some painful memories of hearing people say that I couldn’t possible be Japanese. Wahh!
Shoulda bitched them out. They were being “old biddies” and they would have understood being bitched out. I’ve seen one Chinese woman bitch out another. They would have taken it, been embarassed, and that would have the end of it (in the future)….I think. Mmmm, I think.
There is a middle ground you could have taken. You could have quietly said “Please remember that my daughter already speaks some Chinese, and I do to. We understand you.”
That’s not being bitchy or rude or anything. It’s just putting the ball back into their court so that THEY have to decide how to handle the situation you’ve given them.
FWIW, when my kids attended a religious day school many of the parents assumed they didn’t understand Hebrew and spoke about me and the kids in a negative fashion right in front of us. We all speak fluent Hebrew, and all I had to do is remind them that we did, and they no longer put us in that situation. They were still jerks, but at least they were polite jerks.
This post resonated for me. It must have been wrenching to see that happen to M. You’re right that it’s so much harder to call non-white people on the offensive things they say. Aargh.
For a little while we went to Korean church, and we experienced the same thing that happened to you and M. Every time we would stop to talk to people afterwards they would comment on how not-Korean she looked. I learned how to say “big eyes” in Korean. She couldn’t understand because she was a baby, thank goodness.
How heartbreaking.
Oh ugh — hugs to M and to you. Don’t torture yourself over what you *could* have done. When it’s happening it’s so shocking that it’s hard to think straight. You will be better prepared if (sadly when) it should happen again and you have time to talk to M about it, too.
Oh no. I’m crying for you and M. How awful.
That is so hard. Poor sweetie! Are you comfortable with speaking Mandarin enough to speak back to them? Even if you weren’t scolding, just saying “her father is Chinese” in Mandarin, it would at least let them know that you understand what they are saying. It is such a tough situation! I would have done the same as you, I’m sure.
I’m so sorry, for both M and you. I think Margalit’s approach is very good (I would have been just like you, standing there dumbfounded and hurt); maybe you can get some friends to help you roleplay it, until it’s almost second nature for you, so that if (sigh, *when*) it happens again, you’re prepared. I think this time, you were unprepared.
You might also roleplay with M a little bit? So that if it happens, she can be confident enough to say, “Excuse me, but I understand Chinese.”
What did A. say when you talked about it?
I’m sorry!
I’m so sorry this happened to both of you- it is past rude……it was really mean- I don’t think I would have said anything there either- it would have just brought more attention to M who was already upset….but maybe Mr. A should go in and say something….I’m assuming you pay good money to go to that school and everyone who enters there should be treated with respect……good luck and hope M. bounces back.
Meg
Wow, this sucks. I’m really sorry you had to deal with this.
That sounds so painful, I’m sorry.
Good luck. It’s hard being in the middle.
For what it’s worth, in the future I think that standing up for your daughter would be a good plan – she is going to have to figure out how to negotiate being bi-cultural and bi-racial, and in my opinion you showing her that she absolutely belongs in both communities and that those who say otherwise are being judgemental and ignorant is one of the best things you can do. Obviously she’ll need to figure things out for herself but I think that sending that kind of message would be positive and helpful thing. Of course, my experience is very different but … that’s what I have to offer.
yup, nosey, rude, and gossipy. these types also talked in Chinese about a friend of mine who answered back, ‘I speak Chinese and know what you’re saying!’ I guess it’s just the beginning (unfortuneately early) of the prejudices M will be facing. I’m glad you were there for her this time.
The fact that you’re not Chinese doesn’t mean that you can’t stand up for M to Chinese people without being impolite. It may take a little learning to know the right way to go about it, but I’m sure there’s a way that will make M feel like you’re supporing her and showing her how to stand up for herself. I totally get the deer in the headlights feeling though – there have been many a moment where I was so flabbergasted by someone’s rudeness that I couldn’t think WHAT to do. Poor M! Poor you!
Reading your post, I am completely not shocked and not surprised. My heart goes out to M, who must have been so discomfitted to have people openly analyzing her like that. But, on the other hand, I know my child would have had a similar reaction to the scrutiny of strangers and it would not have mattered really what they were saying.
Now I’m not shocked or surprised because 1) most Chinese speakers will always assume that I have no passing familiarity with the language despite the fact that it seems to have wormed its way into my head (despite my complete obstinacy that I don’t want to understand my in-laws) and 2) there can often be a huge cultural gulf when it comes to what I would call “tact” and 3) everyone who “knows” always analyzes the looks of hapa kids (or adults). The latter is something that they will have to live with forever. I’m not sure there’s much to be done about numbers one and two because the people who assume and say such things usually don’t have a malevolent intent.
And, really, it is hard to be the sole white parent walking the sole brown-haired child through the halls of Chinese school. I was just there yesterday, although I hope I was far less obvious about my analysis of the other hapa kids in the class.
Well, gosh. If it had been me there, I guess I would have just been beaming and naturally gushed out that my granddaughter is even more beautiful than either her Chinese mom or her white daddy, and they would have had to agree. She absolutely IS! Gorgeous skin and beautiful big eyes. What an extraordinary combination. Better than any other, I think! I hope my little one is as pretty as M when she is her age!
I’m really sorry that you had to experience this.
I’m not trying to make light of your situation, but I think like Deirdre mentioned, this is a cultural tact issue. In Chinese culture, to talk about someone’s physical appearance isn’t seen as rude.
It’s like whenever I go back to Taiwan, people will always comment on how fat I am. Even complete strangers that were just introduced will say stuff like, “Wow, you must have a good life to be so fat.”
This culture tact issue is also why many native-Chinese will ask personal questions, like what’s your income, or how old you are, etc.
So I don’t think they meant it in a malicious way, but if they’ve been in the US for awhile, they should have been more tactful. And I do feel it was rude of them to speak Mandarin in front of you because they assumed you wouldn’t understand.
hi Amber,
So sorry to read about this. Is your Chinese good enough to just speak to them about something neutral in Chinese, so they realize you speak it? Has A. weighed in on what he’d have done, and what your options are (keeping in mind the goal of M being happy, which might require getting along at least somewhat with these parents).
I would have loved to say “Yes, it just proves that all Chinese people don’t look alike, don’t you think?”
Sorry you had to experience this.
Krick
I’m looking forward to what A has to add to the conversation. And I’m sorry. I do think it’s just about impossible in the moment to handle things as well as you’d like. Rudeness is so disconcerting.
Agree — hard to call out Chinese when you are the white half of a mixed Chinese – White couple. Know that. But feel you have to defend your daughter to everyone — white, black, Asian etc. I agree role playing will help so it is second nature. And I know enough Chinese to say ta sh hun mei li, tade baba sh shongguren –(bad pingying I know) or even tade bize sh BU da . . . and that ALWAYS will shut them up or they will revert to English. Also — talking about it after helps your daughter understand why she was embarassed because she may not fully get it. and feel conflicted. BUT – don’t beat yourself up either. I am still sometimes tongue-tied! ( I have a 9 year old so have had more time to experience lunacy)
DS-L
i’m so sorry. that totally sucks that that happened.
Sorry to hear that the incident really affected your daughter & you. I doubt they were saying these things in front of her to upset her, they were just very curious and being very blunt with their words. It doesn’t make it right, but I don’t think they had bad intentions. My sister’s kids are mixed race too and when they were little and always had the comments that they didn’t look asian. I think you handled the situation the best you could have. If you had told them off, those folks might not have understood why you were so angry and it might have even upset your daughter even more. One of the comments above was a good suggestion of trying to find something neutral to say to just get them to stop talking about your daughter in her presence like maybe, “She’s very shy and doesn’t like anyone talking about her.” I don’t know if that’s a great comeback, but it’s the only one I could think of at the moment. Best of luck to you in the future classes…I think you’re pretty brave.
I’m always amazed at adults who openly judge and discuss the appearance of children – especially in front of those children.
Poor M! Unfortuatly Chinese people are some of the most blunt people you will ever meet when it comes to looks.
I can understand why you didn’t want to say something, for risk of making M feel worse!
Sorry M!
How heart breaking for M. Do you know enough Chinese to be able to answer back in Chinese? That might throw them for a loop if they know you can understand them without being the crazy white lady.
I like Margalit’s proposal and think, yes, that you have to stand up for M. I think that for your own peace you might even want to go back and talk to the teacher etc. of the school about it. I also think that it would be an excellent example for M, that you can do something about these things. …and only if we do something each and every god dang time, people might get the message.
…and now excuse me, because I have to step on the toes of my husband who always speaks German, when he wants to bitch about an English speaker in the room!
That’s awful. Couldn’t they tell by M’s reaction that she understood them?
I agree with Margalit. If something like that happens again, a, “we’re standing right here and we understand what you’re saying!” doesn’t step on any toes and allows you to defend your daughter.
Heartbreaking for M. Perhaps you’ll have an opportunity to speak to the alleged adults who were talking about her, to set them straight and to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
First off, I’m sorry you had to have this experience. Your description brought back memories of bringing our son to Chinese school for the first time. Lots of doesn’t look Chinese comments and at that time, he understood every word. In fact, if you go up north–where he is from–he looks the same as other northerners but the narrow minded ill-informed Taiwanese at our school. . . hmmm, guess this still bothers me…
I think you would be well within your rights to say something like, excuse me, I understand what you are saying and I’m not sure I understand why you are calling me a liar—you think I don’t know who her father is?
okay, maybe you should be more restrained than that…maybe.
Seriously, you need to speak up –even if just talking to M and show her how to deal with these people. As someone noted, talking about appearence is okay in Chinese culture [after 5 years at school, I see it all the time]. She will get it in the future, with or without you. And come to think of it, it may have happened when she was there with A, only because it is a “Chinese” thing, he would have just blown it off.
But as Johnny noted, screaming at another woman like a proverbial fishwife is okay too—seen more then one example of THAT at chinese school over the years too!
Hang in there!
it must be in the air or something. we just had an encounter the other day, too.
and to add – it sucked and i did pretty much what you did.
hugs
I hate them. With a thick, unChristian hate.
Poor M.
Sucks.
SUCKS!
And now you have been through it once in this setting, I doubt that you will ever go through it again, I think the next time you will figure out something that will work for you.
I keep getting better at that kind of thing the longer I do this parenting schtick but you know, damn it, you shouldn’t have too.
The only thing adults should say about the way a kid looks, is that they are cute.
Period.
Hugs.
That’s a tough situation. I think role-playing with M might be a good idea. Speaking from experience as a Korean/white woman, she’s going to get this type of thing for the rest of her life so the earlier she can learn to deal with it the better. I’m happy with who I am – I just wish people would quit looking at me like I’m a puzzle to be solved when they find out I’m half Korean.
I’m so sorry that happened. What does your husband say and what does he think that you might have done?
I am so, so sorry that you and M had to go through this. I’ll echo others who’ve said this before me: not to defend the Chinese moms or anything, but they probably weren’t being intentionally mean. Chinese people will say things about your appearance to your face. I get called fat a lot by people whenever I go back to Hong Kong, even though I’m average, if not skinny, by North American standards. And the Chinese are fascinated by mixed kids — we tend to believe that mixed children are more beautiful than just plain old Chinese (very true in M’s case!) and I’ve been guilty before of having noticed a mixed child and (quietly, of course) nudging at my mom and gushing over how cute they are.
I think it’s amazing that you are encouraging M to go to Chinese school, and I am so proud of both of you. I suggest that if the same thing happens again with the gossipy Chinese mamas, just respond to them in English to something they say, or even throw a few words out in Mandarin, to show that you understand. Usually that should shame them into shutting up.
gah, old biddies kill me, thoughtless comments with no idea the pain they cause.
what you can do next time is answer back in english. “her nose isn’t that big, i think it’s just right. her brown hair, she must’ve gotten that from me.” show them that they can’t take it for granted that a non-chinese person can’t understand them. they’ll be shamed and be more careful next time about whom they talk shit about. (oops, like everyone else already suggested.)
if you have BIG balls, open your eyes wide and exclaim loudly to yourself “WAAA, MAY YO LEE MAO”…”holy crap, how impolite”, or something like that.
sorry you and M had to go through that, i’m continually amazed at the stuff people say, even in jest. wait a minute, i’m not amazed, i just forget that there are more socially inept people than i think and i have to react quicker to idiots instead of laughing it off, which is so hard for me.
i guess i’m going to have to teach val to squint her “big eyes”, stick out her chin and flip them the bird…then shrug and gesture that i have no idea where she got that from. good luck, you must tell us how you handle it the next time.
I think it’s always hardest to deal with people who don’t mean anything malicious by what they say. Especially when you’re outnumbered and don’t want to draw even more attention to yourself than you already are (simply for looking different). A tactful way to deal with this next time might be to say, “Yes, she is beautiful!” in mandarin and kiss M. They’ll be shocked that you can understand them and that’ll shut ‘em up, at least temporarily.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I think in every situtation though, you should always be prepared to stand up for M, at least until she is old enough to do it for herself. Because if her mom doesn’t put people in their place, who will? And ultimately, what does it matter if these old ladies think you are a crazy white woman, they already say mean things, so stading up for M and for yourself won’t make things worse, if anythign, they might respect you for caring so much and defending your child.
Maybe somewhere in the middle….along the lines of “both my daughter and I can understand what you are saying and you are being hurtful, please stop” or “please don’t talk about us in front of us”
I have also found that by addressing the insult in a funny or sweet way w/ my kid I get the message out too (awww she doesn’t know what she is saying…”your nose is perfect” as you give her a big kiss).
I’m soooo sorry you had to go through that but with time and experience you will find a way to deal with it and still not come across as crazy. It took me a while (my daughter is black, we are hispanic and we speak Spanish amongst ourselves so we get a lot of looks and unsolicited comments). A few years back I would have (did) the same thing but now I’m more proactive (probably because in our case it kept happening)….hang in there…don’t be too hard on yourself but practice (the first time I stammered I was so nervous)…the kiddo needs to hear you stick up for her which is what, ultimately, got me to cross my fear, nervousness, and anxiety to speak up. After a while it becomes second nature.
That being said…life keeps throwing us curve balls and the first time I usually do what you did so don’t feel too bad…it takes me a while and some practice. We just recently had someone call the police because they thought we had kidnapped our daughter….talk about how awkward and awful my daughter felt having to explain to the cops that “yes these are my parents and no I have not been kidnapped” – thankfully my husband keeps a copy of her birth certificate in his wallet.
Hang in there and a hug for you too ‘cuase it must have hurt.
why not try a bit harder? you can speak mandarin, right?
I know this is especially hurtful to you because you are so careful not to be racist, not to impose your cultural upbringing on anyone else. The fact is, however, that these ladies are never going to change because discussing someone’s appearance in front of them is acceptable in their culture. Nothing that you say to them will change that. You need to let M know that this is going to happen and that in your family it is not acceptable, but that she had better get used to it, perhaps by making it into a humorous situation.
I have a Korean friend who says the most bizarre things sometimes, which would be hurtful if I didn’t think they were so funny. Everytime I saw her when I was pregnant, she would say “Liz, you so big!”. Well, she was right, but none of my other friends pointed that out. She also remarks on my clothes, house, sunglasses, etc. I just laugh because I think she’s funny and if I got mad at her she wouldn’t understand why.
Oh – one more thought – if M is coming to China with you be prepared for A LOT OF THE ABOVE. While adopting couples and families get a lot of attention my two hapa boys were like freaking celebrities. The talking, pointing, congregating. At one point my 4 year old was crying because so many people at the Great Wall wanted to take his picture. I don’t think many in China see interracial Chinese kids and we were often mobbed. m Once 6 or so old ladies were arguing about whether I had more than one husband because the boys did not look like their sister — I was trying to say adopted in Chinese and it wasn’t working . . .
DS-L
Hmm, I could see my girls getting upset with that too.
I think the first proposal was a good one. Say in English, “I understand what you are saying about my daughter and she can too. she is now very upset…”
Or something to that level.
I am also curious what A says to all of this?
I get the same thing. I have one kid with a chinese face, pale white skin and blond hair and the other has black hair, tan skin, and very few chinese features. We lived in the very chinese Toronto and chinese folks comment endlessly about it. My own inlaws look at them with awe. I don’t think its meant to be mean. Its a different culture. My MIL doesn’t hesitate to ask me if I have diarrahea or to let me know I am fat. When my husband tries to explain that it isn’t nice to point out that I am fat they say “what she doesn’t know she is fat?” (note anyone over 95 lbs is fat to them). Just like they horrified when I wear shoes in my own house, drink water with my food, have the bottom of my foot facing toward them etc etc… its a cultural thing.
In public I usually mention “WE speak CANTONESE”
btw: so excited to see another wf/am family online.
[...] Ever since the Chinese school incident M has been struggling to wrap her head around the idea of race. While she seemed to have an ok understanding of skin color (people with dark skin, people with brown skin, people with light brown skin, people with pink skin), she is having a harder time with what “Chinese” looks like. [...]
[...] plugin, but if you are interested here they are: Chinese school year one posts: one, two, three, four, five and six. Chinese school year two posts: one, [...]