Follow Up
Thanks for all the input on the Chinese school situation. I appreciate all the comments. Just to follow up on some of them:
If there is any question about whether or not I would generally speak up for M in a situation like this, let me assure you I would. M’s wellbeing is my first and formost concern. One of the reasons I didn’t respond to the ladies is because I was busy picking M up, talking to her and distracting her by turning my back to the people who were looking at us. Because I was so stunned by what was going on, I didn’t have a quick comeback for the ladies, but that didn’t stop me from trying to protect M from it.
As for the people who suggest I say something back in Mandarin, LORDY would that have just prolonged the scene. My language proficiency is very very bad and body parts and colors make up the bulk of my vocabulary. If I had tried to say something in Chinese, it would have just led to more conversation (in English, I am sure) about why I don’t speak Chinese better, why only Chinese people can really speak Chinese, why are we even bothering with Chinese school for M, etc. I wanted the conversation to be OVER. Heck, when we moved through the line to sign M up for classes, I turned ten shades of red trying to explain her Chinese name because I didn’t trust my ability to write it legibly. (The order of the tones in her name make it especially difficult for me to say properly.) The poor guy at the desk just shook his head sympathetically and said “It really isn’t important.”
I didn’t mention it in the other post because it didn’t upset me as much, but another guy stopped us in the hallway that same day and said “Is she here to take Chinese classes?” pointing at M. He was also clearly not seeing any Chineseness about her. Given the earlier conversation, I immediately bristled. “Her dad is Chinese.” I said looking pretty defensive. He just smiled at M and said that it was good for her to learn Chinese. I also got the feeling that he was one of those Chinese who really like to think that us white folks are taking notice of the importance of China and learning Chinese language, so he was a little disappointed M wasn’t just plain white. (I think I have seen a few white kids taking classes, so maybe there has been some discussion about that around the school.) That interaction left no bad taste like the first one.
Additionally, I agree with the commenters who said that talking about appearance isn’t particularly culturally inappropriate for Chinese people in a Chinese envirionment (like Chinese school). That doesn’t make it suck any less for M when people are pointing and staring at her, but that is just how it is. Per DSL’s comment, I totally expected that in China, but expected Chinese people here to be more sensitive to American good manners. Heh. Maybe that wasn’t a fair expectation for Chinese school.I think part of the reason we haven’t had these kinds of interactions before is because M’s dance class is during the second session. The sign up was during the first session, so the first session parents had never seen us before.. Most of the people who are around during the second session, including M’s classmates’ parents have seen both Mr. A and I together and/or separately bringing M to class. When M starts her new language class next semester, both Mr. A and I will bring her so we can get any questions cleared up at the beginning.
The truth of the matter is that this is why we started M in Chinese school at age three. We want people to be used to seeing her around. Once the novelty wears off, she will just be another kid at Chinese school like all the other kids, no matter what she looks like. It won’t help her with Chinese people other places, but at least here in our city, Chinese people will recognise she is present and active in the community.
I have more to write about the conversation I had with M and also Mr. A’s reaction, but M is calling me to come play. Maybe tomorrow.
I always get the ‘you don’t speak Chinese’ comment. From everyone. I guess ’cause I look Chinese, therefore I must speak it! Problem is mom and dad know 2 different dialects. And I dropped out of Chinese school after the first year, since I had no clue – everyone else did, because they spoke Chinese at home! So I was total outsider in my Chinese school. Hopefuly M will keep going, not like me!
“We want people to be used to seeing her around. Once the novelty wears off, she will just be another kid at Chinese school like all the other kids, no matter what she looks like.”
I get what you mean. Alas, we are still waiting for that to happen. We have been at our Chinese school for 5 1/2 years and there are some people who just have to make stupid comments.
A couple of weeks ago, Z was running in the hall at Chinese school, fell, bit the heck out of her tongue so off to the emergency room. As I’m standing in the office with Z, getting ready to leave, a woman I have seen a zillion times in and around school over at least a year, points to Z and to I and goes something like “this is YOUR mama?” Mind you, Z’s face is streaked with tears and blood due to a 1/2 inch cut in the middle of her tongue that looks like a really bad piercing. Z is looking stunned at the comment and trying to nod politely. I was so ticked I spat out “YES, I AM–STILL!!!!!” and stomped off with Z.
Hang in there and know you & M are [alas!] not alone.
You would think that they would have better manners, but I am sure they thought you wouldn’t understand a word that they said!
If they would have known I bet they would have not said it in front of you two.
But who knows, Like I said before I have never found Chinese people to be very tactful (I’m talking born in China)at least not by American standards.
I have had my feelings hurt many times!!
But that is just how they are. And I am sure they didn’t mean M was ugly by any means, a big nose is actually a compliment! hehe
Even though she is young, I think this is a learning experience from M. I’m also hapa, and my complexion is similar to M’s.
White enough for Chinese people to think I’m white, but tan enough for white people to think I’m not white.
The difference is that while Chinese people will ask me directly about it (are you half-Chinese?), most white people will whisper it behind my back and speculate if I’m half-Asian or Latino.
Unfortunately there’s no way to get around it and frankly I would rather they say it to my face than behind my back.
I read through some of the comments on the last post, and while I understand that commenting frankly about personal appearance is part of Chinese culture, that doesn’t mean it’s okay. Yeah, it’s unkind to comment on someone’s weight, but by saying, “She doesn’t look Chinese,” they are basically questioning her whole identity.
Actually, I wonder if it’s because there’s a clash of “culture manners”? It’s not uncommon to have people (Chinese) point at others and start muttering things. Like when a Chinese person asks you point blank, “Hey, how much did that kid cost you?” To them/us(?) that’s just a question, not a rude intrusion. Mmmm.
We are also at Chinese school every Sunday afternoon. We don’t get as many comments due to the fact that the community sort of knows us adoptive parents now. I think it is interesting that they have segregated the adopted kids off into what they call Chinese As Second Language class. I understand it is hard for us to keep up with thier kids who hear Mandarin at home. But the unfortunate result is that the adoptive parents sort of hang out with the other adoptive parents since our kids are in the same class. We get polite nods from the Chinese folks but real integration is still slow to come. I’m considering a dance class for my daughter at the same school since that class WOULD be integrated and she would be in the class with Chinese children who have Chinese parents.
Nontheless it is a good experience for me to be an outsider and to see how it feels each week.
Ok, I know that I will get flag for this, but here it goes… when we married our partners from other races, we speculated/knew/suspected that things like this will happen to us or kids, didn’t we? And I know that it is harder than we ever dreamed of and that it is especially painful when it hits our kids. …and it is wonderful to have places where you can bitch about it.
But the good thing is — and that out ways in my mind a lot — that every time we cross racial and cultural boundaries for love, things will change and in a few generations it’s going to be very hard for those Chinese biddies to say anythings, because a black kid will fire back at them in Cantonese and their own children will be married to Latinos, Russian or Anglos…
We just need to sit tight, wait and not get bitter!
“because a black kid will fire back at them in Cantonese . . .” OH I love that!
DS-L
I liked Johnny’s “clash of culture manners” comment because I’m Cuban and my people have absolutely no problem with talking about your weight (or job, or house, or how much money you make….) right in front of you. I went to visit family/friends I had not seen since in many years and just about every one would preface their salutations with “boy, have you gotten FAT” – after a good solo cry and a few drinks I was able to weather it and dish it back but still…I loved returning as no one here would be tactless enough (rarely I’m sure) to say “hi, haven’t seen you in a while, why are you so fat now?”
“because a black kid will fire back at them in Cantonese” – loved that…as my daughter is black and speaks Spanish so she already responds to rude inquiries with “yo no quiero hablar de eso” (I don’t want to speak about this) – can’t wait for a future where not much will be taken for granted.
Here Here!!! You totally rock! I ish the world was filled with more parents like those reflected in these comments. People really don’t get even in the “clash of culture manners” moments that kids don’t get that and it hurts – no matter what culture they are from. you rock I am here via Anti racist parents – you have been blog rolled! I look forward to reading you!