The last few days have been ridiculously busy. I have spent my time gathering things for a care package I will send to the orphanage (I will try to photograph them and post about that later). I wrote a 3 page letter that had to be translated by my dear friend J. And I was doing some embroidery of Chinese characters on the photo album (dont’ ask).
We also had an appointment with the International Adoption Clinic at the local children’s hospital. The verdict is that the baby (god, we need a name) looks really good, considering. Her height, weight and head circumference look great, even on the American charts. Her photos also don’t show any obvious problems and her blood work is good. After a long night of googling “elevated lymphocytes”, I was very relieved. So far I am very pleased with the International Adoption Clinic and look forward to seeing them when we get home.
And then there is the shopping. I sorted through all our old baby clothes and it turns out, a fair share of them are not cute enough to make the cut this time. Once I got that photo and height/weight info, it was game on for the shopping olympics. I have been trolling ebay and even (the much loathed) gymboree and buying outfits so cute (and comfy!) I would love to wear them myself.
I have been researching the place where the baby is from and there is NOTHING on the internet. A few random photos of scenery, but that is pretty much it. Our orphanage group is only 10 other people, none of whom have ever seen the orphanage or the immediate area, as it is about 3 hours from the provincial capital where they got their babies. We are pretty sure we are going to go early and spend a few days touring the area if we can find a guide and a driver. I have been looking into the logistics of doing this and it is complicated. Very complicated.
Through all this effort, I have been completely unemotional. I don’t feel any connection to this little girl yet, though I am getting used to her lovely little face.
Initially, I was thrown off by her pictures. Maybe this is just a part of having a second child, but I was really surprised that many of the things that were the most endearing about M at this age are the opposite in this baby. For example, M always had this crazy, thick long hair and could wear ponytails at about 4 weeks old. It was weird and drew all kinds of attention, but I loved that about her (hello vanity by association). Now this new baby’s hair has fallen out. Lots of it and it looks kind of silly. Obviously she will not be wearing hair doodads any time soon. The lack of hair threw me off. I don’t know why this surprised me, but it did.
Also, there is the matter of her hands. She has chubbly little hands with dimples on her knuckles and creases around her wrists. M never had dimples or wrist creases because she was never chubby enough. I have never kissed chubby little dimpled hands before.
I know that I just don’t know this baby yet. All these things will end up being things that I love once we actually get to know each other, but right now, they are just so foreign to me.
Who is this baby? I just don’t know. Soon, all these foreign things will become the things that are familiar about her. I just have to be patient.
I know exactely what you mean. My reaction to Sprout’s picture was totally different than to Dumpling’s. Maybe because this time I know that there will be differences between the person we meet and the one we imagined from the picture. I was quite thrown by her age and size. It took me a good while to get around that, and then when the next referrals came and the babies were all so young, it brought it all back again. I’m not worried about not loving her or bonding with her, it’s just hard to mentally adjust to the reality vs the picture I built in my head….
I remember holding babies after my own babies were toddlers, and thinking: it would be so STRANGE to bring a new baby into our house. How would that even WORK? Because the thought of any new baby being better than the ones I already had…just didn’t seem possible (even though at that point I really, REALLY wanted another baby)
And you don’t even have the baby yet, just a set of photos. So I can imagine the strangeness.
Tell us more about why you hate Gymboree. I love shopping talk!
It’s natural to feel that way about the baby, I have felt that way about my babies too! They all look different and some are not what you expect! lol
I hear you on the hair thing, two were born with a ton of hair and the other three not much…..I always hope that they have hair……
Oh another thing, I know my hubby shaves our babies at 100 days, is it possible that your baby’s head might have been shaved, and just hasn’t grown in yet?
Maybe she has rubbed off her hair in her crib from laying on her head.
Oh, one more thing, chubby baby hands and feet are the best! Much more cuddley…trust me.
I also hate Gymboree…..mostly because of the prices, and the fact that everyone loves them so much….it makes me sick! lol Not because the clothes aren’t cute…because let’s face it, they are.
Even with a bio child, it takes time to observe her and learn who she is. I know it takes time to learn who this new person is… I had much trouble reconciling the image of my child and the actual child that I had in my arms….
I am sooo jealous and happy for you… and I take notes like checking out the health record etc…
Try http://www.blackwagon.com/ for some slightly out-there kids clothing or http://www.cwdkids.com/ — they sometimes have good bargains!
When I had my son, I still caught myself a few weeks later thinking “Why is there a baby in the house?” when he cried… relish this weird time… it’s never going to be like this again!
totally there with you.
both my first babies were hairy, other babies without any hair were odd and not as attractive, at first that changed after a little while.
my younger two, although I did not get the chance to experience them as babies , still took me a while to get used too – the way they smelled for instance – not that it was off putting it was just different…
you sound normal to me.
I don’t know if that is a good thing (insert smiley emoticon here)
we fostered newborn blond twin girls. They weren’t bald, but didn’t have enough hair to do anything with. We grew used to that, so when we got our own twins, the amount of hair and the fact that it was curly to the point of being kind of kinky took some getting used to. It’s all fun. Having twins reminds us every day how different even bio siblings can be.
I didn’t fall in love with our twins right away. I knew I wanted to keep them and I loved them like I love all children. I guess we’d fostered enough kids that I could be a good, loving parent and still hold back a little. Then, one day, my daughter looked at me and smiled her special “for mama” smile and I realized that no one was taking them away. We ARE their parents. That was the ultimate bonding moment for me. Kinda weird.
grrrrrr looks like typepad ate my first coment!
Anyway, I know what you mean about the hair, I prefer hairy baby’s myself! lol
But three out of five I have had bald!
Maybe she had her head shaved, I know my hubby shaves our baby’s at 100 days…who knows.
Anyway, Have fun shopping…
Oh chubby babies are very cuddely…you will get used to it!
maybe no hairdodads yet but perhaps this kid will have a fine variety of cool hats instead.
and my sister and i have the same parents and we we super different in looks and temperment from day 1. we get along great, but she’s 5′ 3ish inches and i’m 5′ 11″. i was blonde, with straight hair (since turned brown), and she has gobs of what looks like a spiral perm. i slept through the night immediately. she screamed the first two years of her life. i was outgoing, she was shy.
but it’s a good thing, these differences. you’ll come to love them.
it’s like having a slice of pizza and an ice cream instead of two ice creams or two pizzas. yum all around!
At least part of it is probably secondchild related. My two children are completely opposits(a redhead son with very little haire who looked like an elf the first months and then our very chubby brown eyed GIRl with long dark hair.. ) and and it takes time.. Both of these I gave birth to but I recognize the emotion..
DH has well over 1000 books on China and was able to turn up quite a bit of information on the little village our daughter is from. If you’d like, feel free to e-mail me the city and province your daughter is from and I’ll ask him to do a search through his books. Enjoy the shopping and preparing for your trip… your new daughter is just gorgeous!
Julie
Your cherub may be able to sport hair dodads by the time you get her; remember that the picture likely was taken a few months ago. Conversely, she may be shorn. That’s what happened between referral and adoption day to all the kids in my travel group except my 7 month old daughter; her curly locks saved her. Sadly, her hair lost its bounce by the time she was 2. Lots of hair/fast-growing hair is one thing that my kids have in common. I adopted my second daughter as a nearly 3 year old with long pigtails. My older daughter who traveled with me had just given 11 inches to Locks of Love and her hair was short at the time. Lots of people assumed that the 7 year old was the newly adopted kid because of the short hair, until they both opened their mouths to speak. Don’t be concerned about not loving a picture; it happens a lot. The first time I fell instantly in love; the second time I did not even though I stared at the picture for months because she was a Waiting Child. I love them both bunches now, and that’s what counts.
AF- THANK YOU so much for writing about your reactions to your referral picture. I’ve been secretly fearing that I won’t be a gusher when I see my daughter’s referral photo. (Or worse, that I’ll think she’s ugly.) It’s a relief to realize that my natural method of bonding with my daughter may NOT include falling in love with her referral picture.
Mortimer’s Mom- I really appreciated what you said about the difference between the child you met and the one you imagined from her photo. I can very easily see myself filling in gaps with my imagination and some snippets of information, and “creating” my daughter before I actually know her. I’m glad to have the possiblity brought to my attention.
We went to China as tourists the year before we picked up our daughter in Guangxi. Our travel agency for the first trip was in China and we had some luck with getting drivers/private trips arranged. If you want I can dig up the info of how to contact them. They are a bunch of students in China and seem to have a lot of options.
Also, the head of our agency’s China program, a Beijing native, is a part owner of a travel agency in China. Mostly he works with people from this adoption agency but if you like I can send you his email address. He might have some useful information for you.
Our new daughter’s orphanage group also has 10 members. I know it’s not the same one, though, because many of those families have visited.
I contacted Amy Eldridge from Love Without Boundaries and asked if she knew anything about MM’s SWI. Neither she nor their provincial rep knew anything, but they established contact, and several kids received surgeries as a result. But she and others with that group are an excellent source of information.
Are you going to be with a group – are other families from your agency meeting children from the same SWI or province?
[...] years ago yesterday, I looked at her little picture and felt…well, honestly, I felt not much of anything. But in two short years, I can no longer remember my life without this little [...]