Ever since the Chinese school incident M has been struggling to wrap her head around the idea of race. While she seemed to have an ok understanding of skin color (people with dark skin, people with brown skin, people with light brown skin, people with pink skin), she is having a harder time with what “Chinese” looks like.
After her appearance was critiqued at Chinese school, we tried to explain to her why some people might not think she looks Chinese. The conversation went something like this:
Hair comes in lots of different colors. There is red hair, black hair, blond hair, brown hair… We both have brown hair that is a similar color. Daddy has black hair. Can you think of any other people you know who have black hair? (M names her Aunt, some kids at school, and her uncle.) Right!
Did you know that many people who come from China have black hair or very dark brown hair? They also might have eyes that look more like Daddy’s eyes than Mommy’s eyes.
Did you know that Daddy and Aunt R are Chinese? They are Chinese because Amah and GongGong came from Taiwan and people from Taiwan are Chinese. Because their mommy and daddy are Chinese, daddy and Aunt R and Aunt J are Chinese too.
…Yes, I know that GongGong has white hair, but when he was younger his hair was black. No, I didn’t see it myself, but that is what daddy said GongGong looked like when he was younger.
Because daddy is Chinese, that means you are also Chinese.
…I know daddy doesn’t speak Chinese, but you can be Chinese even if you don’t speak it. Well, daddy doesn’t speak it because Amah and GongGong didn’t teach him. Yes, I know *you* can speak some Chinese. Yes, I can speak a little Chinese, but no, I am not Chinese. Both Nana and Grandpa are not Chinese, so Mommy isn’t Chinese.
Can you think of any people you know who are Chinese? (M names Mr. A, E a friend from school, her chinese tutor and her Uncle.) Well, daddy and E are Chinese. And your chinese tutor is Chinese. Yes, I know her hair is a little brown, but she is still Chinese. (she has highlights). Uncle S isn’t Chinese, even though he has black hair. Uncle S’s family is from Korea. Korea is near China and many people from Korea also have black hair, so that was a good guess.
Do you remember at Chinese school when that lady was surprised when I said you are Chinese? You do remember? I think maybe she was surprised because your hair is brown, not black like most Chinese people.
You look a little bit like daddy and a little bit like mommy. Your eyes are shaped like Daddy’s eyes, but they are very large like Mommy’s eyes. Maybe that lady thought you looked more like Mommy and she knew Mommy isn’t Chinese, so she was surprised that YOU are Chinese, but you are! That is what I told her. The next time someone asks you, if you want to, you can tell them that you are Chinese. Or, if you want, mommy or daddy can explain it to them. It is up to you.
We have come back to this conversation and had it in many variations over the past month, sometimes at M’s suggestion, sometimes at Mr.A or my suggestion. We rehashed it again with a little more focus on skin color when they were talking about Martin Luther King at school. We talked about how people come to the US from other countries and how people look different in different parts of the world.
It is interesting, watching her little mind struggle to sort it all out. Heck, there are still a lot of grown ups who don’t have it down yet.
The funniest conversation we have had about this topic so far was this weekend. We were in a Chinese restaurant and Mr. A and MIL were having an in-depth conversation in Chinese with the waitress as they were trying to order something that wasn’t on the menu. M was listening intently.
After the waitress walked away, M turned to MIL: “Amah, your hair is brown not black. I think you don’t look Chinese.”
The look on MIL’s face was priceless.
I love this story. Your daughter is adorable. (and very lucky to have you)
I’ve been meaning to tell you…H met Miss S’s Mom. Miss S is definitely hapa. Just thought you could add that to Miss M’s list.
HA. Funny! This reminds me of when I was in China and a Chinese student told me I couldn’t American because I didn’t have blond hair.
And now I am having flash-forwards. Some mixed babies I know look very Caucasian, some look very Asian. I am dying to know what my kid looks like!
That was a wonderful, well thought out discussion.
It sounds like you handled that very well. I may bookmark this for when Bella has those questions.
Hee hee…I’ll consider myself truly fortunate if my own children are someday that flattering to my in-laws!
It is so fascinating to see how children make sense of their worlds. It is great that you talk about it, and also great that you talk about it a lot! Children need those repeated conversations!!! Thanks for sharing.
I love this age its really funny. My kids are obsessed with their chinese-ness. My son separates our family into chinese and pink. It took him a while to realize the spanish kids at school were not chinese. Last year he announced to everyone he met “my name is marcus I am chinese. my dad is chinese my mom is pink”. This year he is much more tactful about it all. He gets so excited to meet other asian kids and asks them if their dads are chinese too.
You handled this great!
jen
Ha! Jenny, that reminds me of another kid we met recently. Most of the kids and adults at a party we were at were Chinese. A six year old little boy looks at me, squints a little and tilts his head “Are you Chinese?”he asked me, “because I don’t think you look Chinese.”
After I told him that I am (obviously) not chinese, he named off every other person at the party and told me that THEY were all Chinese. “That’s cool!” was all I could come up with in response.
That’s a great conversation.
Sort of a tangent – in our case, I always wonder about how to approach the “we don’t know whether you are Chinese [ethnically]” with my daughter from Guangxi. Especially since her hair is medium brown with near-blonde highlights and distinctly wavy.
I was wondering how you are incorporating the idea of your new baby as Chinese with Miss M? Is she able to understand that better because the baby is actually in China right now or does she still have a hard time with it?
I love what she said to your MIL.
Race is a toughy. I am finding that kids don’t see race the way adults do, so it is very hard to explain the whole color of your skin thing.
forgive this comment if it is not something that you want to have asked and feel free to delete it.
i am also the mother of mixed children (my husband is chinese) and the issue of race is pretty much a non-issue in our house. why is it such a big issue in your house? why does being chinese trump what nationalities your daughter inherited from you? i am just trying to understand this almost obsession with the chinese genes, because i am living a very similar life and being 1/2 chinese does not completely define my kids, it’s just a part of who they are (and they are as likely to tell you that they are irish as they will tell you they are chinese!).
You can feel free to read through my race archives, remembering of course that they cover about 3 full years of writing. You may want to start with this post: http://american-family.org/2006/09/04/that-was-fun/
Of course, every family is different. This is the way we have chosen to raise our children. I certainly don’t think of any of it as “a big deal”.
I won’t answer ann’s question — (except to note that race is the biggest moral evil that plagues our entire culture and society so of course it is an issue in a bi-racial house) but I will say that my two boys are also hapa (Irish/German/ Chinese) and identify most as Chinese. When I asked my 9 year old why he identifies himself as Chinese-American, he said because that’s how all his friend see him and his teachers etc. So, while he claims to have the luck of the Irish — out in the world he has already learned that he will most likely be perceived as Chinese — or at least non-caucasian — and has chosen to self identify that way. Race is not so important for a 4 year old. It becomes more important the older they get, I think. (Yes, he has had to deal with more than one incident of racism). Interestingly, when we were going to China to bring home our daughter he was almost 8 and he told me “Mom, in China everyone will look like me and not like you. Will you feel funny?” He must to have had the self awareness to ask me that.
DS-L
ARGH — I meant “racism” is the biggest moral evil!
DS-L
just to comment ann.. my husband’s family is very chinese. They don’t speak english and pretty much live a chinese life. They are not in any way chinese-american. My husband moved here as a teen and grew up with his parents in the cantonese ghetto of Toronto. So our house is a contrast of both. We watch cantonese tv, get chinese newspapers, eat chinese food, and watch nickjr. My parents couldn’t be anymore opposite they are stereotypical middle aged white americans. In our family it feels like we have two circles the chinese family and my family. They are completely opposite and rarely intersect. My son goes to a very diverse school with a good mix of recent immigrants, different ethnicities and he is very interested in other people’s cultures so it comes up a lot. The kids at school talk about it alot (more out of curiousity). We talk about being chinese alot b/c he is surrounded by white american culture and frankly no one cares about our discussion about why santa rides a sleigh b/c we are inundated with american culture. Its much more interesting to discuss what chinese new years is about. Believe me they bring up why is grammy’s hair blond? why does papa have hair on his chest? where does the easter bunny live? Why do we need to watch caillou in french?
and frankly my kids speak more spanish than chinese despite everything we do to push cantonese and french in our house.
Marcus usually declares himself whatever the nationality of the week is. Some weeks he wants to be african, some weeks he is jewish, his friend is from mexico so he is mexican too, last year he claimed to be a dog for 6 months..
–jen
love the old repost. I wish I found your journal years ago. I always felt like I was the only biracial asian/white parent. My kids are exposed to my family 358 days a year and my husband’s family only 7 days a year. Being a chinese immigrant is so much of my husband’s personality, history and being. It was an issue growing up as a minority in post-war vietnam, moving to canada and finally being one of very small group in the US. Even though my parents are only 2nd generation on both sides (italian, french and french canadian) its really not part of them. Their families may have struggled to learn the language but no one asked them where they were really from b/c they are white. I can’t tell you how often I am asked if my kids are adopted. My kids are visible minorities and I am not. I have no idea what it feels like. Marcus is 4, when he looks in the mirror he sees a chinese face. He is so happy to see other kids like him with a slight tan and black hair. He wants to know if they celebrate chinese new year and if they have chinese papa.
Personally I think its great. I wish I had more cultural experiences growing up. My parents were very cool hippies who did their best to raise us to be multicultural. I think they did a great job or I wouldn’t have dated or befriended so many people of different cultures. I think my kids are very lucky.
That last comment was too cute! I bet MIL was speachless.
I don’t have a problme with my children seeing who is chinese or not, I have a problem with them thinking everyone with dark hair and eyes is Chinese…..
that’s a great post! I once found an old drawing I gave my mom when I was like 4 or 5. It was a family portrait. We all have straight black hair and slanted eyes. I dunno what that was all about – but it was interesting to see.
My son went through the “Chinese people have black hair” phase last year too.
Off-topic: How did your family decide to refer to the paternal grandparents by the names for maternal grandparents? There’s been so much “what are people supposed to be called” discussions every time we get together with in-laws that I’m always curious about these things now.
We let the grandparents decide what they wanted to be called and that is what they picked. I think Ah-gong is common in Taiwan and maybe GongGong is like a diminuative, but most paternal grandmothers are NaiNai? MIL wante NaiNai for about a week, then switched to Amah.
It may also have something to do with the fact that A was closer to his maternal Grandmother and thus Amah was the only grandparent word he every used? Who knows.
It wasn’t up to me!
Love this post. Love the divine Miss M and I ALWAYS love a good MIL story. As for children and race, I believe (as I think you do) that they notice differences earlier than we give them credit for. In LSP’s music class (about a dozen toddlers) there is a little girl who appears to have been adopted recently from China (she’s LSP’s age but still sports the orphanage haircut which takes about six months to grow out – that and certain other behaviours lead me to surmise that she has only arrived within the last few months – I could be wrong but I don’t think I am.) Anyway, I notice in class that she studies LSP in a way she doesn’t study the other children. It’s pretty interesting. I’ve also watched LSP notice differences. She was watching one of her Mandarin DVDs the other day when suddenly she looked up and seemed to study my face, looked back and studied the face of the teacher in the video, then studied my face again. Back and forth, back and forth. And then she asked for some juice.
*love* it. the mil thing