Last night, Mr. A and I finished the final negotiations regarding the baby’s name. We decided to add an “American” name, while keeping her Chinese given and family names as middle names. She will also have Mr. A’s family name. The four initials combined look like some kind of weird computer program. Heh.
While we tentatively have a name, I am not thinking of the new baby as that name. Until she is our daughter (and maybe even after that, we don’t know yet), we will think of her as her Chinese name. We are also assuming if we do end up calling her by a new name, we will introduce it gradually with her Chinese name and/or nickname if she has one and see how she seems to react. We will probably also call her MeiMei, since she is the meimei and M has been calling her that for a while.
This period of time between our referral and meeting the little girl who will be our daughter is very strange. Our life is moving on pretty normally, though there is a lot of paperwork and travel planning to do. We still don’t have any information besides the minimal medical information we originally recieved. I may know more about her bloodcounts, urine output and head circumferance than I have ever known about M’s, but these tiny details are like tiny grains of sand in the ocean of questions I have.
We don’t know where this little girl was left or found. We don’t know how old she was when she was separated from her birthparents. We think she is in the care of the orphanage, but she could be in foster care. We don’t know the chain of custody that brought her to where she is now and we may never know.
We sent questions to the orphanage because it may be our only chance to learn anything about this baby’s past. Once she leaves, her individual characteristics will probably fade from the memory of the director and caregivers. We are trying to glean any information that may interest her in 7 years or 15 years or even when she has her own children. For every answer we have, there will be 1,000 times I will probably have to say I don’t know.
Right now, it kind of feels like we are standing at one end of a very long tunnel. We can see the light at the end, but we can’t see much else. Who is this girl? How will she adjust to the big changes heading her way? How will we adjust? Are we up to this task? Can we be what she needs us to be?
We just have to wait and see, I guess.
I just found your blog from surfing around looking at other China adoption blogs. You really have a great site! Good luck and many blessing on the remainder of your journey for your new little one!
Congratulations!! Such an exciting time for you all, even if it’s a little intimidating too. Just keep in mind two things:
1) You’re already a *fabulous* mom and dad to M, so why should you not be for the new baby? You are *definitely* up to the task!
2) No matter what bumps in the road you encounter, she will still be so many millions of times better off with you and Mr. A and M than growing up in an orphanage in China.
When we adopted Bee, I kept a journal in one of those small, leather books. I happened on it this week, and the last line on the last page is, “I hope we can be what she needs us to be.”
Enjoy this time. Go see a movie. Eat in a restaurant. Give M lots and lots of lap time.
And if you plan to send out adoption announcements, address them now. I can’t tell you how much i wish I had.
FWIW, we didn’t think we’d ever get a finding story for our daughter. Our agency was quiet on the subject. However, our daughter’s finding spot was detailed in an official document–the “Certificate of Abandonment”–we were provided prior to the adoption day. Each child had one, so this may be a common thing, or it could depend on the province. (Though our daughter is from one of the poorest provinces, so I’d imagine if they can manage it, yours will as well.) There was a marked silence in the room as we all read about our daughters’ various finding situations. A crowded conference table wasn’t quite the setting for learning such personal information–especially unexpectedly–but by then we were a pretty close-knit bunch, thank goodness.
We received the finding ad when we arrived in China from our guide. Again, we’d had no idea we would be getting one. However, ours was just a birthdate and description in the paper, no picture. We also received a photocopy of the note that had been left with our daughter–most in the group did have a note.
Finally, four of the nine families in our group found out our girls were actually in foster care the day before we got to meet them for the first time. Of all the surprises, this was the least welcome, if only because transition for a child who has been in foster care is different from one who has been in the orphanage. We weren’t prepared, and we had our new daughter’s grief issues to deal with. (She bonded immediately with my husband and took a few more days to let me in.)
So, my assvice (and I’m sure you’re doing this already) is to be prepared for either scenario (SWI/Foster Care).
Best wishes.
“Can we be what she needs us to be?”
Such in-depth thoughtful questions. I still ask myself this of our son who was adopted from Vietnam, now almost 5 years ago. Maybe the very fact that we ask ourselves this and challenge ourselves and grow and listen and learn and change along with what they need — at least helps us become what they need us to be — ?? It’s my hope.
(I found you via Dawn).
It sure sounds like you’re on your way anyways. All the best.
~ Judy
Yep. I’m feeling all the same stuff, even though we have slightly more information that you have about the (H)FC. I’m not sure there is really any amount of information that is suddenly ‘enough,’ but each bit helps.
And FWIW, I think the computer program name was the right choice, though I am more entertained by its similarity to a certain website, actually. Heh.
“Can we be what she needs us to be?”
This seems like such a central question of ALL types of parenting. Though I try hard to be the parent my son needs, some of it seems like luck, since kids can need such opposite things, and you might never know until years after the fact.
Congrats on deciding on a name. I hope that you can find out more info about your daughter. We were able to learn a few more things when we were in China, so hopefully you can too. Good luck! And as far as being what she needs, I have no doubt your family will do great.
You can do it, most certainly. Try not to second-guess yourself. You guys will be great parents to this little person.
So many questions. I can feel that air of looking down the tunnel, waiting for her arrival, not knowing quite what to expect. I can appreciate holding the door open for who she is, who she might be. Even waiting, this feels very good… I’m adding some deep breaths to that quiet expectancy. Good journeys to all of you.
The fact that you question and think means you’re up to the challenge. Nothing is ever entirely easy, but you are so sensitive to this little one’s needs that you’ll undoubtedly meet every challenge head on. Good luck during this final wait, and here’s hoping you meet her very, very soon.