The other night, Mr. A and I were discussing MIL’s “Oh, OK” response to the baby’s picture. It turns out that there was more to it than the part I saw.
After I chewed Mr. A out for not telling his mother that an uninterested “OK” (with no smile or other reaction) was not an appropriate response, he went into the playroom to talk to her. He reminded her that we will insist on equal treatment for both M and the new baby if she wants to continue to be involved in our lives.
He also told her that “OK” is not an acceptable response when ANYONE shows you a picture of their baby: you say the baby is cute NO MATTER WHAT. It is just basic politeness.
At this point, M heard them talking about the baby and brought over the picture of our soon-to-be daughter. “Amah! This is my new baby sister! Isn’t she CUTE??” M asked.
“Oh. OK.” Said MIL.
“MOM!” said Mr.A, “You can’t even bring yourself to say she is CUTE?? She is a tiny little baby! How can you not think she is cute?”
“Well, you just never know how she will look when she gets older.” MIL said with no expression.
This led Mr. A to the conclusion that she was refusing to say the baby was cute at all, nor would she be anything other than negative about her future prospects. Mr. A was more than a little hurt (though not especially surprised).
BLECH. I couldn’t be gladder that we will probably be gone for Chinese New Year this year. After hearing that, there would have been nothing but glowering at MIL from me over the steamed fish anyway. Don’t get me wrong, we knew this was going to be an uphill battle, it just turns out that it still hurts when people manage to fulfill your worst expectations.
Also, just to add a little salt to the wounds, when A was talking to his dad about the new baby, his dad’s only response was: “After this baby. I think you should have a real baby.”
I am telling my inlaws tonight. please pray for me
Ouch!
Oh, yes. This sucks.
Six months after Roo’s adoption and the almost-disinherited episode that preceded it, my grandmother has “progressed” to saying things like “the baby looks like he’s growing.”
Sorry they’re being such pains in the ass.
Yeesh! My ILs are far from perfect, but I think if we were adopting, they’d be so excited they’d be planning to go WITH us. (Only if we were adopting from China, of course!) “REAL” baby. Gah. I’m so sorry.
That’s it. I’m officially disowning your in-laws. No, I mean it this time. I’m done.
Oh, AmFam, I’m so sorry for your having to go through this nonsense. I’ve seen the photo – your baby is gorgeous. We had a similar issue, and it resolved itself when my mother-in-law met our oldest daughter and Bee *made her Grandma love her.*
De-lurking to say “that is the worst”. I am so sorry. We battled something similar with my mother when we were adopting from China-we have a bio son as well. My mother just couldn’t get her arms around the idea of adoption (she is 75 and just stuck in another time) When we left for China I wasn’t speaking to my mom, but my sister told her about our travel blog and she tuned in every day. By the time we got home with our daughter, my mother was hooked. She adores our girl now and talks about the adoption as though it was her idea. While I don’t know your in-laws, I think that generation is more traditional and can’t imagine the child until they see, touch and experience the child. My guess is your girl will capture their heart too once she is home. Until then though, it hurts. Hang in there and good luck! We are rooting!
‘Real?’ That sucks beyond belief. Yep…worst expectations fulfilled and I’m sorry you even have to deal with it.
I’m so sorry. My ex MIL has never really liked my daughters. I not only had the audacity to fail to give her a grandson but I didn’t even care. I thought that just having four healthy kids was like winning the lottery. In the long run, she’s the one who missed out. We found surrogate grandparents and other adults who loved our kids, and she never really got to know four wonderful people. It still is a frustrating, painful thing to go through.
Oh, Gawd! You’d think that given that she is just a baby, any baby, who is now living in an orphanage would garner some kindness.
Once my MIL told me that she only had two grandchildren. She actually has nine. My two don’t count because they are not biologically related to her, and her stepson’s (who she raised) five don’t count either for the same reason. The only ones that count are her daughters, who are biologically related to her. Its no surprise then, that those are the only two she has a relationship with.
You are in a tough position because of M and the new baby being in the same family, the differences in the way she treats them will be obvious. Hopefully she’ll come around after she gets to know the new one.
Here is a dumb question. Is this a cultural thing? (My MIL is white, so obviously not totally). But is there some reason why she, as a Chinese person living in America is so against to bringing in another Chinese person to America? Is the problem with adoption itself or Chinese adoption or what? I’m just curious what your take is on that, because it seems like I read about a lot of Chinese MIL’s having this problem. But I dont mean to read too much into it if it has nothing to do with that and its just a thing with older folks and adoption.
Wow. She is something else, isn’t she? Sorry about her behavior.
We did it and it went ok.
You know, my first response was gonna be “What is WRONG with that woman?” but then I thought about it and realized that someone with that flat an effect does have something seriously wrong with her. And whatever that is, it isn’t safe to have her around the new baby because the baby will pick up on her grandmother’s indifference to her. It is very sad, but I’ve been there as that kid and I know that it’s better to be separated from the grandparents than to watch one child curry all the favor while the other kids are treated like afterthoughts.
Your MIL has some very deepseated issues with attachment that you can’t cure. All you can do is decide how little you want her in your life, and then make it abundantly clear that unless she can muster up some real love for the baby, she’s not welcome in your lives. And try and get A to go along with you, because he’s going to be torn apart by his mother’s behavior and your reaction to it. It could be really ugly unless you have a united front protecting your children.
It’s so sad that she reacts like this, but as you said, it’s nothing more than your worst case scenario being acted out in real life. Damn, it sucks.
Wow! I’m so sorry you and your family have to experience that- did M pick up on her grandmother’s attitude? We too have MIL issues- she favors her daughters kids- takes them to disney, visits them often and only talks about them the few times she does visit us……..but has never said anything about our new daughter…..at least not to our face! My dad did tell me that we should “have our own” since there is NOTHING like having “your own daughter”……but I do not really value his opinion anyway! (amazing though how it still hurts!) good luck and I hope that when you bring the baby home she just can’t help falling in love with her……..here’s to hoping you travel soon!
Meg
When we told my MIL that we were thinking about adopting from China she looked at us and changed the subject! Never said another word about it and then months later started asking us why we didnt look at EE countries. It was shocking really. Sorry you are going through this. I hope it works out for you in the end.
~Danielle
I just can’t wrap my head around her response. WTF?
Oh. My. God.
It totally sucks that you have to protect your baby from that woman. Not the way the world should work.
Gah.
Oh, that’s awful! I’m so sorry. “Real” baby — wow. That’s just ridiculous!
I am also sorry that you, your husband and your children have to deal with people who seem to be so uncaring. I can understand how hurt you obviously are by all of this.
I’m not claiming to be an expert, but i have found that Chinese people rarely really say what they mean when it comes to the cuteness of a baby.
good luck though!
My own hubby said our kids are ugly! And I know he doesn’t mean it, they just say that out of superstition.
I think MIL might just be garded about the whole thing….although like I said,I’m no expert!
Well, we are obviously a pro-adoption crowd here, but we all grew up in a country and in a generation that believes in nurturing than predestinated character trades.
Our parents and grandparents didn’t… they grew still up with the believe, that every little mole and your last character trades was inherit from your ancestors. Introducing a child into this mix of which you know nothing — no family history etc. — is a scary idea: It could be the child of a mass murder, drunkard, harlot… and naturally all these bad influences would then run rampant in the child.
It is hard to understand, but come on — didn’t you look for “your” nose in your child or are proud, when he/she was inherited something from you? It helps us bound even stronger with our offsprings – it’s herd/clan mentality that we all schlepp with us.
If you, Ms AF, have a genuine interest in M and the baby having a connection to their ama, sit her down and have an open conversation with her…without your husband…it might be a great experience for both you or might be the last conversation you’ve ever have with her…
Hopefully her mothering instincts overwrite her breeding…
Because real babies are so much better than fake ones…
*sigh*
If you want to take seriously the cultural history of your mother-in-law’s lack of enthusiasm, may I recommend a book? It’s Ann Waltner’s Getting an Heir: Adoption and the Construction of Kinship in Late Imperial China.
I think you will run into some version of these attitudes from all your Chinese relatives (adoption was strictly speaking illegal in China until the 20c). And you might be happier in the long run if you try to understand where they’re coming from rather than simply trying to convert them to your position.
I am sorry your inlaws are being so immovable. It must hurt a lot. If it’s any comfort at all, a friend of mine who adoped siblings from Korea 20-some years ago had a father who told him he couldn’t promise to be a part of his grandson’s lives. He was a Korean war veteran and had some pretty nasty racist feelings left over. He couldn’t understand why they would adopt from Korea. Once the boys, ages 4 and 1 year old, came into their lives, my friend said his dad totally melted. There was no coldness, no discussion, just grandfatherly love. He saw them as cute babies, just what they were.
No one can promise that your inlaws will turn around, but it can happen. Thankfully you and Mr. A and M will provide enough love and warmth for any new baby’s needs.
e
Here is a harsh poem by Wang Ping that may or may not be a good starting point for a conversation with MIL:
http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2006/04/chinese_poetry_.html
Hi there,
I’ve been following your blog for the past couple of weeks. I absolutely enjoy reading it. I stumbled upon it while looking at blogs about adoption. I have a daughter who is nearly 3 and we’ve been trying for another baby for more than a year now. I’ve been thinking about adoption but my husband isn’t keen. We are both Chinese living in the UK and his family is still very traditional. I can totally see my mother-in-law reacting the same way as yours. She would most probably disown me if I don’t give her a grandson soon.
Chinese have strange supersitions and one of them is that you can’t call your baby beautiful or clever because they’ll grow up to be the opposite. You are suppose to call your child ugly and say all sorts of horrid things!!!!!!!
Also, the mother is to be blamed for everything ….. when my daughter refuses to sleep, she says that it’s because I slept too much during pregnancy. When the little one falls sick, she blames me for not eating well when I was pregnant ….. When MIL can’t keep up with my active daughter, she blames me for walking too much during pregnancy. BUT when my darling daughter does something clever, it’s always HER genes that contributed! I can go on and on about all the silly things she says. You just have to let it go in one ear and out the other! It’s hard to do and everytime we see her, I always end up in tears! MILs are hard work …. so hang in there!
BIG HUGS
They just don’t get it do they? Wow. It sounds like you have stopped trying (watching TV when Mr. A showed the picture), now you have to get Mr. A to stop too. It’s just too emotionally draining. Hopefully, like some of the other commenters have said, they will meet the baby and melt! She is quite adorable!
I totally empathize with you. My mom gave me a hard time when we told her about our adoption. I still get some weird responses from her, but hopefully she will be nice when we finally have our child.
Older, hardcore Chinese people say things really bluntly. They love to say things like – oh, you got fat. which is intended to mean, life must be good. or you’re pretty well off, since you’re eating so damn much!
Also, they say certain unkind things to trick the spirits into thinking you have an undesireable baby – my Grandma used to call me Kai Doi (Bad Boy) all the time. And I always thought, WTF?! I didn’t do ANYTHING!!
My wife’s G’ma tells me it was to fool the spirits so they won’t mess with the kid. So maybe that’s why they don’t want to say she’s cute.
my in-laws wouldn’t talk about the babes while I was pregnant or compliment them until their 1 mth party. I was always shushed and talked about my pregnancy in a round about way “you eating ok?” “no drinking the lemonade right?” “which month will you be losing the weight?” so the gods wouldn’t catch on that I was pregnant. After the kids popped out “that baby is so UGLY and skinny”. They also wouldn’t speak their name until they hit 1 month (kind of like harry potter and voldemort)
They are so crazy superstitious. They still say “he is so handsome but so BAD” and pretend to hit his bum.
I hope this is the deal in your case :0( but we all know chinese MILs acquire a sadistic chip the second their sons marry a white chick.
hate to be the spoiler on this one, but Chinese MILs don’t do well when their sons marry ANYONE.
That’s upsetting about A’s dad. But I’ll cut him some slack because he had a great porn collection we always got to watch during the highschool years.
This brings me to tears, for you and your family, and for the memories of a similar experience. I hope you are able to work through it with your ILs more quickly than I was. The rift has never really healed. No matter the rationalization or explanation, the pain and anger are very real to this day, 18 years later.
How sad that this has to enter into what should be an incredibly joyous time for you. I’m so sorry.
Oh. My. This is definitely an uphill battle. I really feel for you and your family.
Amber, you will always be number 1 in the in-law category. Hope you’re doing okay.
My (white) ILs have never been to see us since we adopted our daughter over a year ago. They have sent one gift: a teddy bear at Christmas. Nothing for her birthday, baptism, or second Christmas. Their other son’s (bio) children are flooded with gifts and get frequent visits, yet my MIL says to me every time she speaks to me on the phone, “We love M just as much as we love K and C…” Next time she says it, I’m going to call her on it.
I should say, though, that my family is completely crazy about our daughter and can’t get enough time with her. So there are compensations, and plenty of love to go around.
Ugh, sorry. My MIL likes to refer to our older (adopted from Taiwan) son as “el chinito” (she is Colombian) and talk about his tiny eyes and how his hair resembles bamboo sticks.