Finding information
This weekend we recieved a little more information from our agency regarding the baby’s development and where she was found. It was sad, reading such a tiny snippet of information that had such a profound impact on this baby.
The information we recieved included only a location and no names of who found her or what her condition was. It only raised more questions for me: Was she wearing clothes? If so, what? Who found her? Was she sleeping? Crying? Looking around? Was she out in the open and clearly visible? Was she in a box or a basket or something else? Who left her there? They clearly chose somewhere that would be pretty safe, we think. Did her parents live nearby? Did they watch until someone found her? How did the police/orphanage estimate her birthdate?
We will probably never know the answers to these questions.
I was going to write a long post about Blog For Choice day, but I don’t think I will now. I look at this tiny baby’s picture and that is the only argument for choice I will ever need.
I will be sharing the role of mother to this little girl with a woman who most likely was denied the right to choose her own reproductive destiny. Choice is about being able to choose the number and spacing of your children if you choose to have any at all. It is about being able to raise the children you birth or to have the freedom to make a plan for their care.
I am pro-choice for my mother who had me when she was 17 in an unplanned pregnancy. She had the freedom to decide to continue or pregnancy or have an abortion (I was born in 1976). She took control of her life by choosing to have me and never had to resent her lack of options when life was difficult because of that decision.
I am pro-choice because I know how scary it is to face an unintended pregnancy. While I didn’t choose an abortion when I found myself pregnant (even though I was working at an abortion clinic), I know how frightening and life-altering the choice to become a parent can be.
I am pro-choice for my daughters. I want them to be in control of their lives, their bodies, and their futures
I am pro-choice for my daughter’s first mother who should never have had to make the choice to abandon her daughter to an unknown future.
I can’t think of a better way to honor blog for choice day than you just did. Very well put.
Yup, the finding ad and other information just opens up a Pandora’s box of questions that most likely will never go answered.
Future birthdays also make you start thinking and wondering.
Welcome to the club.
reminds me of the comment my MIL said when she came to see my 4 day old daughter.
my parents had just left for home.
“now your real family is here.”
ill say one thing for you, at least you and MIL are on speaking terms. i avoid her at all costs, and i think i am the one most hurt by that.
What a wonderful way to talk about choice. thank you.
[...] 22 Jan 2007 Choices Posted by Susan under Living , Blog for Choice As I was reading through my Bloglines thismorning, I discovered that today is the 34th Anniversary of Roe V. Wade. I read some very moving posts written by American Family and by Dawn at This Woman’s Work. Both of them are adoptive mothers and write beautifully about their stance on choice. [...]
But what if (H)FC’s bio-mom had the choice to abort her? Then you wouldn’t have a new sister for M!
Wow, Judith. I don’t think it was ever the HFC’s bio mother’s role to provide AmFam or anyone else with a child. And, for the record, had she aborted this child, AmFam would have been matched with another. International adoption already has enough disparity between the adoptive parents’ gain and the birthparents’ loss without us expecting them to carry unwanted pregnancies so that we can have their children.
Jesus Christ! What do you think this is Judith? The Handmaid’s Tale? Do you really think I am so greedy for a baby that I would wish an unwanted pregnancy and the loss of a child on another woman? That I want a baby so badly that I can just chuck human rights out the window?
I would not have faulted my own mother for choosing an abortion even though it would have meant that I wouldn’t be living this life in this body. I 100% believe my mother was empowered by choice and I have a better life because of it.
I am not even going to dignify that comment with any more discussion right now.
Beautiful post, the best I’ve read on the topic so far. I have a similar feeling post up as well. Come read it.
Thank you. You said everything beautifully.
A coworker once asked me if I had changed my pro-choice stance now that I had my baby, and I think my stance actually became stronger because now that I have him, I understand how important it is to have a baby at the right time, and to be able to give him all the love and attention he deserves.
Congratulations on being able to say “daughterS” now and good luck with the whole process.
I am an adoptee who was born pre- Roe V Wade. My birthmother has admitted that she would have readily had an abortion if it had been available to her. And yet I am still pro-choice.
Choice is about being able to choose the number and spacing of your children if you choose to have any at all. It is about being able to raise the children you birth or to have the freedom to make a plan for their care.
Thank you for that. I’ll be storing that in my debate bank for future reference. Great post!
Thank you for your articulate posts (this one in particular). I am enjoying reading them and learning more about adoption.
AmericanFamily, If you want more specific information about the child, there are two sources you can use. The police report and the orphanage file. However, unless there was some reason that the mother / father relinquished custody because of personal reasons (spouse died and they couldn’t care for the baby) you will probably never be able to find the child’s parents. Also, you will need your adoption agency to help you with this – or it may take a return trip to get someone to help you get this information. It also may not be possible – I would think it would depend on the area and their opinions regarding IA.
Some people get lucky, the person who “found” the baby may actually know the family/parents. But honestly, I wouldn’t go that direction until many, many years later. If you don’t read any of Jane Leidke’s information on how finding birth parents affects the children, I would highly recommend it.
I’m going to blog about this post.
At least for us, there were three official documents we were given in Nanning, including (I think, will repost if this is wrong) a birth certificate, finding document, and certificate of abandonment. One had the name of the finding person, location of finding, and name of the police officer who accepted the baby from the finding person.
That said – we have not pursued trying to contact any of these people, though maybe the police officer would be the one we might try for. There is, I think, no way for us to know how much trouble we would create for any birth family we might succeed in finding. Abandoning a baby is still a crime in China.
When I received my daughter’s finding ad, I almost cried when it said she was found with some milk because it was something I could tell my daughter about her birthparent’s intent. They meant for her to be found and fed right away. This actually came up recently when she said ‘My mom and my dad left me outside.’ She was almost 6 at adoption so this is her story she already knew, not anything we told her. And I was able to tell her with certainty that I knew for sure they wanted someone to care for her, even if we didn’t know why they couldn’t keep her themselves.
I have visited your blog once before and found the link recently on another site I visit often. I love, love, love this post! I think it speaks volumes about the word “choice” and how as humans, what we do with our bodies is our CHOICE. Those who call themselves “pro-life” I prefer to use the term “anti-choice”. Thank you it into such wonderful perspective.
This post talks about how birth dates are decided.
http://theoneandonlyg.blogsource.com/post.mhtml?post_id=424393