I generally try to stay pretty honest about our lives here, because I figure what good is the blog if it is full of half truths? There was one major omission though.
In December 2005, I wrote a post that apparently rubbed some people the wrong way. The post is deleted now, but it was basically a post joking about picking good photos because the CCAI tries to match babies and parent based on their appearances. I included a link to an advertisment for Harrah’s adoption agency because I thought the dad and one of the daughters looked amazingly similar. I also included potential photos that I was considering for our homestudy.
It wasn’t a very memorable or interesting post, but those who have been around here might remember it.
Well, some jackasses on an MSN group got all worked up about it and formed a lynch mob because I said the appearance similarity between the dad and the daughter was “freaky”. (Note I said the SIMILARITY was freaky, not the kid.) The lynch mob contacted Harrahs and I got a letter demanding I remove the photo (which was already posted all over the fucking web), which I did. (By the way, the email from the president of Harrah’s board included all kinds of WAY personal information about that little girl that he had no business spreading around to complete strangers.)
It was annoying, but not a huge deal. I removed the picture and the post with our potential dossier photos.
But then, a few weeks later when we were still waiting to DTC, someone anonymously called around to all
the Chinese adoption agencies and said they were “concerned about our fitness as adoptive parents” because of the post on my blog about our dossier pictures.
Specifically the caller was concerned because M is bio and is very attractive (!?!? their words not ours), if the adopted baby saw that post about not wanting an ugly baby, it would be very hurtful. They were also concerned about how the
CCAA would view that post since I said we didn’t want an ugly baby.
So my agency didn’t tell whoever it was that we were their clients, but PUT OUR ADOPTION ON HOLD then they contacted our local social worker who immediately printed out and read my entire blog. Clearly she didn’t even know what a blog was, nor did she have even a tiny sense of humor because remember this picture?
I had posted them right around that time saying the freaks on that MSN board could bite my big plastic penis, remember? (They are educational penis models from when I worked at planned parenthood and for the record, we haven’t owned them since before M was born. I just had pictures because I was going to sell them on Craigslist, before it occured to me that I wouldn’t want to meet the people who would buy penis models on Craigslist).
Apparently, the fact that I posted photos of a fake penis model (on a blog read pretty much exclusively by adults) also made me a questionable parent. Never mind that the SW was totally negligent in her homestudy or she would have known that I was STILL working in the field of adolescent sexual health at that time.
So Mr. A and I had to have a two hour meeting with our SW while she trolled through my archives and told me she didn’t know how good of a transracial adoptive parent I would be because I told a story about a toothless annoying person in West Virginia. At one point, the African American SW also turned to Mr. A and said “Mr. A, don’t you think that AmFam is making too big a deal about all this race stuff?” To which Mr. A blinked and responded “No. I absolutely don’t think that she is making to big a deal about it.” The subsequent conversation made it very clear that the SW did not think that Asians had any room to complain about racism and that Asians were practically white anyway. Both Mr. A and I were stunned since this woman is the only social worker who does international adoption homestudies at her agency. It was also very clear that she had been called on the carpet for doing a crappy homestudy and was going to punish us for getting her in trouble.
There are tons of details that I am skipping over here for the sake of brevity, but we will be sure to include when we file our complaint with the state SW licensing board. Additionally, we were forced to meet with an adoption psychologist who let us know in no uncertain terms that he thought it was unethical for him AND my social worker to use my personal journal (whether it was published publicly or not) in such a capacity. Once we had a thorough conversation about Mr. A and my own thoughts about discussing sex (and penis models)with our kids (a topic I *LOVE* to discuss and have many thoughts on after working in teen sexual health for five years), we had a very enjoyable discussion about adoption and parenting. We keep his number in our rolodex in case we ever need a professional’s help while we are raising L.
Anyway, I am just putting this information out there because I want to send a big old FUCK YOU to the asshole who did that to us. I have no doubt that one day Karma is going to take a big solid chunk out of your ass. Despite your meddling, our daughter is safely home and has a family who loves her and is committed to her well-being.
I also want to say on the record that my husband is a fucking rock star. Through that whole ordeal, he was 100% supportive of me and my blog, despite the fact that it nearly cost us our adoption.
That’s all.
Oh, one more thing. If you think you live in my area and you want to know the name of the agency and my social worker’s name, feel free to email me or comment. I will gladly share it with you. I will also make the letter of complaint public once I get around to submitting it to the state licensing board.
ARGGGGHHHHHHH!
ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
That sucks dead toads so abso-fucking-lutely much that I cannot come up with words about it. That someone would think *YOU* wouldn’t be a good adoptive mother?!?! Shee-it. Double shee-it. That is absolutely the most idiotic thing.
Your blog is one that I regularly come to for good, thoughtful, introspective posts about international adoption and racism and other issues.
That someone would take a hilarious post like that and decide that you weren’t a good potential adoptive parent…my jaw drops.
I hope that karma does get that person in the ass. Is this, by any chance, the person who makes a habit of trolling people’s blogs and reporting any adoptive parent who doesn’t make her (humorless and self-righteous) grade? Or is this yet another humorless and self-righteous busybody?
I am *SO SORRY* you had to go through that.
gah! people suck!
I think you guys are awesome parents (exhibit A: pirate shirt, exhibit B: sense of humor-the fake penis. I am a cert. health educator I love that stuff)
HOLY SHITE.
i’m so so SO sorry you had to go through all of that!
2 things: will you email me the SW’s name and also the name of the psychologist? i would love to have that information to pass on to friends.
i’m so glad that you guys were able to continue the process, and bring L into your family. again, so sorry you had to go through that.
It never, ever fails to amaze me (in an eyeballs-popping-out-of-my-head kind of way) how much damage little people with little brains and far too much time on their hands can to – especially to people they do not even know. Yay to Mr. A for being so supportive and to you for fighting against this kind of bulls**t.
And, if you’re ever wondering what to blog about, I’d love to read your thoughts on discussing sex with kids!
WTF???? I remember that post! WHAT THE F*CK!!! That is INSANE.
Amber, I am so sorry this shit fell on your guys. May I say that I am PROUD that you stood up and fought this and were able to bring L home.
I wonder if this asshole has done this to others….I think you should know who I mean…
Good luck with reporting this incident. This is terrible. No family should have to go through this
People suck. That’s a good summary.
Where do people get off deciding to meddle in your affairs? Who appointed them guardian of good taste, humor, or qualification to adopt?
The good news is that karma does work. And if the jerk who did this is reading this comment… those blisters on your private parts? You deserve them.
I’m sorry you had to experience this – and I can’t imagine the stress this caused. More power to you and your husband!
And remember that you had the last laugh. A beautiful (grin) daughter whom you added to your family!
You go girl!
Fascinating story, but also disturbing… I’m glad everything worked out well for you. The SW’s attitude is very sad.
“I’m so sorry” is just so, so, so nothing—-I am floored. I am flattened. I cannot believe you went through this. When I hear things like this, it makes me wonder if I need to modify my upbeat speech to my 9 year old about free speech in the US…..argh.
The whole part about the social worker is just so very very sad—like there is a contest to see which person of color is more real and A lost? yuck. Seems pretty clear to me as to who REALLY needed to visit the therapist.
I am not in your area but I’d love to know the name of the agency so I can tell anyone I know from your area to NEVER use them.
And I hope that karma wheel runs right over the person who started this mess!
I remember this brouhaha well, as it was what brought me to your wonderful blog in the first place. I couldn’t believe the asshat had the gall to contact your agency. I hope that once this is all settled, I hope you DO publish that info.
You are the third blogger I know who had some person contact their adoption agency and said they were unfit to become parents. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Good for you for standing your groud. Who are these people anyway?
Amber, this post is why you will always continue to be my one and only girl-crush. I heart you, baby. You tell ‘em.
Huh. I am so floored, I am speechless. I do remember that post. The SW really has a problem, and of course the person who reported you is probably pretty seriously mentally ill/personality disordered. I mean, who else would be narcissistic enough to do that? Anyway, I’m so sorry. The whole things sounds beyond awful. I’m glad the psychologist is good, thank god for that.
ha, I remember it all so well.
But you got an ADORABLE kid (who would have been adorable in all our eyes, no matter what), and she’s going to grow up to tell everyone about her crazy parents who keep penis models in the house and INSIST on talking to her about S-E-X all the time and be utterly embarrassed about it!!
Who let the crazies on the web? I’m so sorry you had to go through this shite.
Wow! I don’t remember the post and doubt I read it. But taking your blog as a whole, it is obvious that you are a very thoughtful and loving parent and very sensitive to the needs of your children as minorities.
I have talked some on my blog about ‘defensive parenting” because I am a disabled parent, any little thing I do is scrutinized so I have to be very cautious. When I read stuff like this, it scares me even more. Its like, people want to judge your parenting skills for ANYTHING and say you are an unfit parent. What is the point of that attitude?
Very sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad that you are going to take further action.
Holy shit.
People. They are idiots.
What?? That is crazy! And doesn’t really seem legal either!
Well, I’m glad hings worked out. Whoever that was needs to get a life!
wow ! I remember that post..im wondering if its the same person who called on a few other people..????
Glad your adoption went through and whoever did this needs to seriously get a life!
I’m wondering if you know who the person is who did this. I’ve read about 2 other cases where someone interfered in someone’s adoption, and it was the same person in both cases. Damn trolls have nothing better to do with their time.
Stupid people suck.
I remember that post. I also remember reading about other potential adoptive parents who got reported to their agencies for stuff on their blogs. But what this really reminded me of was a post by Lauren at Faux Real Though that mentions her blog being used against her in a custody case:
http://fauxrealtho.com/2007/02/08/politics-aside/
Nothing to do with adoption, and the post itself is in reaction to political blogging controversies, but it just reminds how vulnerable honest people can be.
I hope they take your complaint seriously. If they are going to evaluate a person based on a blog, they should have the sense to take things in context.
luolin, who is too chicken to use her real name online
I remember that post….you are so damn awesome. In all capacities. What a bunch of ridiculous people.
Amber, I have been reading your blog back to the GLB days
and I remember that post and I thought it was really funny.
As you know, we don’t always see things the same way,
but I read your blog almost every day damn it, because
you are a great blogger.
I am really sorry some asshole put you and your family
through something like that.
And, congratulations.
Back to lurk status.
Unbelievable! Except (obviously and unfortunately), believable… I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Mr. A really is a rock star, and so are you.
Wow and sorry. I know that pales in comparison to what happened but I am truly sorry.
I am constantly amazed at the assholes that help make the world go round. It’s a reason that I no longer post on the monthly DTC board I am on, piss off a moderator or two cuase you call them on the carpet and well, one day you never know. But it’s why I let my agency know about the blog and I keep my truly private stuff for my closest friends now.
I am so happy it worked out and I applaud you for following up on your blog with the truth.
Wow, I guess I didn’t realize the extent of the whole twisted story. Whew. And fuck them.
Dude. That is distressing beyond words.
I’m glad the adoption wasn’t derailed. How did you get around the SW, anyway? Was the adoption counselor’s positive recommendation enough?
I would guess that any adoptive parent still in the paperchase or DTC part of the process would be thinking seriously right now about whether it’s safe to blog about the adoption in anything but the most happy-happy joy-joy ladybuggy terms.
Because I’m guessing my anonymous phone calls about all those parents with the China Doll logos and heartfelt discussions about how God meant them to have that poor pagan baby in China probably wouldn’t be taken too seriously, no?
[Sarcasm alert: I'm not such an asshat that I equate blog behavior with parenting qualifications, nor do I consider my private eye-rolling a sign that someone should be prevented from adopting. Just in case that wasn't clear.]
Glad you are at this side of it.
Makes me mad enough to cry and happy that you got through.
After hearing this story in person I’m happy as hell that it’s finally time to tell it to the people inside the computer. I’m still and always will be mad as hell on your behalf.
Who has the time, let alone inclination and access to phone numbers, to call random adoption agencies in case you’re their client?
(totally unrelated – they told you that with isoniazid they usually recommend vitamin B6, didn’t they? else ask them about it)
If the SW is an NASW member, you might take a look at the code of ethics and talk to them, as well.
Hah! I have been waiting for the day you could finally write this post and am so glad the time has arrived. Very glad you are filing official complaints with all appropriate agencies and can’t wait to read the complaint letters.
Wow that is fucking INSANE. Glad you’re speaking up about it!
I am completely overwhelmed by the idea that someone would take it on themselves to do something like that-especially making the effort to call so many agencies. I wasn’t reading much around then-that was when J lost his job (the one we moved 1000 miles for!#*@!!), so I had no idea. I remember you emailed me in November and then I didn’t hear from you. I am so so sorry that you went through that- and the sw sounds worse than mine. I am glad you and A were able to support each other, and that you are now a beautiful family of 4!
Btw, I forgot to post before, but I never watch adoption videos. When I told J about the cows, he was convinced they must be water buffalos, so he watched it with me. He cried (just a little), and it made everything real for him. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal moment. ~lmc
Delurking here to say……
Good gawd, I can’t stand people like this. I remember when that whole thing went down on that god-forsaken self-righteous msn board. I have recently had problems with them. But I had no idea the depths of the problems it caused for you. To think that you aren’t worthy to be a transracial adoptive parent is a joke. You are MORE than qualified. I come here because you actually help me think through “stuff,” for lack of a better word. I’m totally loving how you’re handling all this.
AmFam you are amazing! I learn so much every time I come to your blog and read. I love the insights that you share, I love that you present a different perspective to any other I read, I love that you are so generous with the stories you write. I know that I will be a better parent because of what you have written and I must say a big thank you for that to you, Mr A and your beautiful girls. I am eternally grateful – and the others who think otherwise can go fuck themselves!!!
PS. Marla/Marlene/Mimi/Macy/Audreythedog – Thank you SOO SOO Much for drawing this post to the attention of that MSN group yet again.
My love for you just knows no bounds.
Holy crap. I remember the post in question but I had no idea any of this stuff was going on.
I remember the penis picture, too. Any chance you could get another one? Because a pair of peni would make fabulous wall hooks for your living room curtain tie backs, don’t you think? You could invite the SW over for a cup of tea.
Wow. Just wow. Amazing that some people have nothing better to do with their time than try and screw up someone else’s life. I’m so glad they didn’t succeed.
Wow, I recall those posts, I had just started reading your blog. I remember emailing you and asking you if you worried that such a thing might happen! And when you said no I thought to myself, wow, adoption folks must be really cool, they actually understand that people are…you know, people! Guess not though…
I just can’t believe something that terrible happened to you. I also can’t believe someone who doesn’t even know you would try to sabotage your adoption. You’d think people would have better things to do.
By the way – I had suggested to a mom from FCCNY to check your blog out because her family also was to be short-tracked (I forget if both, or only she, were Chinese). I think she did. I remember thinking it was really odd that she went to China quite a while before you did – guess now I understand why.
Our daughter has been home almost 2 years and reading your post immediately brought back my fears about not getting her –for some strange wierd reason. That was my worry all through the process. You must have been so scared and upset. I am happy it turned out well in the end! And Mr. A does rock!
DS-L
I remember that post, it made me laugh. Sad when humor is lost. What a terrible chain of events–thank god you have a happy ending and L at home. Best of luck!
It never ceases to amaze me the depths that some will go to in order to meddle in the lives of someone else! I’ve seen this happen in the Taiwan adoption circles as well. None of it is right though and I keep hoping that karma will get them eventually. I am so glad that you are speaking out about this! So many people just want it to go away when it is all over and won’t report the wrongdoings of an agency. You go girl!
What worries me the most is the power given to a simple phone call… no one person should be able to dial up agency after agency to present their fucked up theory.
I know of 2 other families who have been affected by this type of nonesense and it is shameful.
And, please… we submitted the best looking photos of ourselves that we could muster up… and our daughter is gorgeous
I never stops to amaze me who makes themselves judge over other people’s parenting skills. I mean yo’all have to admit that it is damn easy to snicker about the choices other people make… but in my mind it takes psychological or physical damage before I start to make calls.
Ms A., if we 2 wouldn’t be straight and married, I would ask you to marry me! Kudos & and all the best for your little dumpling!
What the heck is wrong with people!!!! Apperently someone has to much time on their hands if they can call every adoption agency that does Chinese adoptions to complain about you.
I mean how can you REALLY know what someone is like from their blog!!
Enjoy both your girls.
I guess this type of question needs to be posed to any agency when researching: “Do you take phone calls from people who say they think they know me to be a bad parent to heart? And if yes, what information am I given as to whom the caller was and what their accusations were?” I think that if any agency gives credence to someone about info from a blog post they should be disregarded as an agency you would want to use.
This makes me just sick. People need to get lives and get off their high horse. And how is someone that calls agencies to “rat” someone out a fit adoptive parent?
I remember that post and remember laughing about it! Rock on.