I generally try to stay pretty honest about our lives here, because I figure what good is the blog if it is full of half truths? There was one major omission though.
In December 2005, I wrote a post that apparently rubbed some people the wrong way. The post is deleted now, but it was basically a post joking about picking good photos because the CCAI tries to match babies and parent based on their appearances. I included a link to an advertisment for Harrah’s adoption agency because I thought the dad and one of the daughters looked amazingly similar. I also included potential photos that I was considering for our homestudy.
It wasn’t a very memorable or interesting post, but those who have been around here might remember it.
Well, some jackasses on an MSN group got all worked up about it and formed a lynch mob because I said the appearance similarity between the dad and the daughter was “freaky”. (Note I said the SIMILARITY was freaky, not the kid.) The lynch mob contacted Harrahs and I got a letter demanding I remove the photo (which was already posted all over the fucking web), which I did. (By the way, the email from the president of Harrah’s board included all kinds of WAY personal information about that little girl that he had no business spreading around to complete strangers.)
It was annoying, but not a huge deal. I removed the picture and the post with our potential dossier photos.
But then, a few weeks later when we were still waiting to DTC, someone anonymously called around to all
the Chinese adoption agencies and said they were “concerned about our fitness as adoptive parents” because of the post on my blog about our dossier pictures.
Specifically the caller was concerned because M is bio and is very attractive (!?!? their words not ours), if the adopted baby saw that post about not wanting an ugly baby, it would be very hurtful. They were also concerned about how the
CCAA would view that post since I said we didn’t want an ugly baby.
So my agency didn’t tell whoever it was that we were their clients, but PUT OUR ADOPTION ON HOLD then they contacted our local social worker who immediately printed out and read my entire blog. Clearly she didn’t even know what a blog was, nor did she have even a tiny sense of humor because remember this picture?
I had posted them right around that time saying the freaks on that MSN board could bite my big plastic penis, remember? (They are educational penis models from when I worked at planned parenthood and for the record, we haven’t owned them since before M was born. I just had pictures because I was going to sell them on Craigslist, before it occured to me that I wouldn’t want to meet the people who would buy penis models on Craigslist).
Apparently, the fact that I posted photos of a fake penis model (on a blog read pretty much exclusively by adults) also made me a questionable parent. Never mind that the SW was totally negligent in her homestudy or she would have known that I was STILL working in the field of adolescent sexual health at that time.
So Mr. A and I had to have a two hour meeting with our SW while she trolled through my archives and told me she didn’t know how good of a transracial adoptive parent I would be because I told a story about a toothless annoying person in West Virginia. At one point, the African American SW also turned to Mr. A and said “Mr. A, don’t you think that AmFam is making too big a deal about all this race stuff?” To which Mr. A blinked and responded “No. I absolutely don’t think that she is making to big a deal about it.” The subsequent conversation made it very clear that the SW did not think that Asians had any room to complain about racism and that Asians were practically white anyway. Both Mr. A and I were stunned since this woman is the only social worker who does international adoption homestudies at her agency. It was also very clear that she had been called on the carpet for doing a crappy homestudy and was going to punish us for getting her in trouble.
There are tons of details that I am skipping over here for the sake of brevity, but we will be sure to include when we file our complaint with the state SW licensing board. Additionally, we were forced to meet with an adoption psychologist who let us know in no uncertain terms that he thought it was unethical for him AND my social worker to use my personal journal (whether it was published publicly or not) in such a capacity. Once we had a thorough conversation about Mr. A and my own thoughts about discussing sex (and penis models)with our kids (a topic I *LOVE* to discuss and have many thoughts on after working in teen sexual health for five years), we had a very enjoyable discussion about adoption and parenting. We keep his number in our rolodex in case we ever need a professional’s help while we are raising L.
Anyway, I am just putting this information out there because I want to send a big old FUCK YOU to the asshole who did that to us. I have no doubt that one day Karma is going to take a big solid chunk out of your ass. Despite your meddling, our daughter is safely home and has a family who loves her and is committed to her well-being.
I also want to say on the record that my husband is a fucking rock star. Through that whole ordeal, he was 100% supportive of me and my blog, despite the fact that it nearly cost us our adoption.
That’s all.
Oh, one more thing. If you think you live in my area and you want to know the name of the agency and my social worker’s name, feel free to email me or comment. I will gladly share it with you. I will also make the letter of complaint public once I get around to submitting it to the state licensing board.
I think, in light of the fact that you did manage to adopt a child in the end, you might want to enlarge the penis photo.
I remember that post and I thought it was hilarious. I’m amazed and appalled that someone would go to those lengths to try to mess up someone’s life. Glad that the story has a happy ending!
You know what I don’t get? Your blog was once again mentioned on that board. I know – hard to believe!! I saw it yesterday and no one had commented but when I went back today guess what – IT’S GONE!! Now there’s a post about censorship….too funny. I’ve been told by more than 1 person about this and I’ve been very luck not to get on anyone’s “wrong side”. Some people just aren’t happy unless they are making someone else miserable. I’m so sorry that they put you through this – SHAME ON THEM!!!
I see you already knew that it was brought to their attention – I just saw your note. I’ve always enjoyed your blog and it has made me think on many many subjects!
You go girl!!
~Carla
I just found your site and read your whole post and have desided that I think you are awesome. I can’t believe all the BS we as adoptive parents have to go through. Does anyone read a bio parent’s journal to see if she’s a fit parent? I work as an RN and must say SW are not my fav. Hope you stick it to her.
So glad you’re finally able to get this story out. Knowing that there are people out there intent on f’ing with other people’s lives in this way freaks me out. I don’t know what’s worse, the troll that did this, the SW w/out a clue, or the agency that subjected you to the ordeal. I can’t wait to see the complaint. Bring it on.
No one wants to admit it but there are anti-adoption forces out there who will do this to pa-parents. I mean read some of the blogs out there where aparents are HATED.
I’m glad you are filing a complaint. I’ve heard of the CCAA and its reps also reading our blogs. My (serious) adoption related blog is unviewable at this point. My “fun” blog is visible.
Oh, and btw, I’ve heard of folks out there posing online as people who can help a paparent with an “issue” or so they’ve mentioned on their blogs, gather as much info as they can through emails, THEN contact the agency (and god knows who else).
Off to check my “fun” blog since I am in the middle of an adoption.
Good on you for complaining.
But to get to another point of interest:
Share your ideas about children and parents and sex-talk etc. !!!!!
Ok, I just went and expunged my blog of words like “sex”, “horny”, and “nude”. I can’t believe we have to do this!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Holy shit.
I am amazed that people would be so petty, but yet at the same time I am not. So sorry you had to deal with that, your husband and to deal with it, and that BOTH daughters had to deal with it. I am happy, though, that you are on the other side of it and can share your story and warnings with the rest of us.
OMG, this is unbelievable!! I remember that post as clear as day, all those nice photos of you guys.
Now… when chicagomama wrote a post a while ago in a rage about anonymous callers to adoption agencies, was she talking about you guys? I guess so, ’cause I was paying attention and I remember that post.
Wow, I’m glad everything worked out in the end, but very saddened that you had to go through this, it must have felt hellish and unreal. Write that letter!! More power to you!!
Speechless here. What a world, what a world.
Ditto that I’m really glad things worked out well in the end.
No fucking way! Karma is going to get that person!!
wow. how infuriating, on so many levels. what, what, what kind of person would threaten someone else’s adoption like that? what kind of agency could read your blog and see anything other than an amazing family, perfect for a new daughter/little sister? at least the shrink was intelligent and able to keep things in perspective. i’m glad you’ll be filing complaints, and even happier that L’s adoption wasn’t derailed.
Wow. Simply wow. What if we could follow idiots like that around, and suggest to their OB/GYN that perhaps they are too stupid, or lack the sense of humor necessary to be parents, and perhaps they should not be allowed to have children. Same thing, no?
Grr. Glad you are parents.
After reading several bloggers talk about asshats who would do this, I am still shocked. I cannot fathom how anyone would take it upon themselves to judge anyone’s fitness as a parent based upon something so trivial.
I am so glad that this worked out in the end and that you continued to blog.
Good for you for filing a complaint.
Also, still love the penis picture.
I don’t live anywhere near you but would absolutely write to the licensing board, if you want.
We had a similarly aggravating situation with a girl that we wanted to foster. She’s a lesbian – has identified that way for three years. Has been involved in a stable relationship with the same girl for two years. We are a lesbian couple who’ve taken in 8 teen girls over the years, half of whom were gay or bisexual and helped them “age out” of the system as gracefully as possible.
Her hicktown judge said it would be too encouraging for her to be placed with us, and wanted us to get a psych exam. We refused, but sent letters from our agency’s psychologist and director, and the girl’s therapist. We finally have the girl, after six months of arguing. She’s doing great.
I’ve been reading your blog only for a couple of months and I like the fact that you are honest and speak about the good and the bad stuffs, the real thing and not only the one we dream about. I am sorry that you had to go through this, that people can be so mean. But I am glad you could go to China get your little pirate and I am sure this bad experience made you and your husband stronger. Good luck with everything!
I am so sick to my stomach over that. We are going to start another adoption in a little while. Please email me the information so I can NEVER even consider this agency. ARGH! Why do people do stuff like that?
Love,
Mary
I normally just troll around your blog but this is the first time where I had to say something. It just made my blood boil reading this particular post and all the crap you and your family had to go through just because someone decided to take it upon themselves to use their opinion to affect the lives of others.
In fact, if someone were to cut open my neck right now, they would be burned by a spray of my blood.
Remember, these very people who reported your blog as proof of an inability to raise your children, have just as much say in the democratic voting process as you do.
If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.
I am stunned that a stranger would pass judgement based on what was written in a blog. Worse yet that someone else would give her the power to run with it…I am one of your weekly lurkers that never posts. I could not just let this pass. There is a special place in H*LL for that person. The damage that she could have caused makes me cringe. There have been several blog lately that have gone password protected. I hope that this is not a trend but I think I am beginning to understand why.
I am absolutely, completely sickened that some fuckwad took it upon him/herself to do this to you. I am struggling to find the right word for that person. I think the c-word is the best I can come up with.
I am so, so sorry you had to go through all this. It must have been incredibly hard for you and Mr. A.
Uh-oh–you used the “F” word on your blog–I’m going to report you for being an unfit parent!!!
Geezus, what is wrong with people?
As a psychologist myself, I’m proud that the guy you used had at least a few grains of common sense. And definitely report the SW to her licensing board–that’s what it’s there for, to make sure the licensees are doing their jobs they way they are supposed to.
Oh I hate hearing about bad social workers! They give the rest of us such a bad reputation. Nice to hear the psych guy was such a stand up guy. Geez.
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