Different
Not long after we got back home from China, I was talking with someone about the adjustment issues we were having. (E.g. L needing to be held and walked constantly, L’s aversion to Mr. A, the Jetlag etc.)
He responded “Wow, I think this sounds so much harder than having a biological kid. It sounds like so much more work. I don’t know how you guys are doing it. Given our work schedules and the way our lives are, I don’t think we could handle it, I think it would be much easier to have a kid the old-fashioned way.”
I laughed, because this comment was clearly made by a man who had never experienced the excrutiating pain joys of pregnancy and childbirth.
Was L’s adoption harder than pregnancy and giving birth to M? I suppose it would depend on when you asked me. If you asked me during a pregnancy hormone-induced sob-fest kind of day, I probably would have wacked you in the head for being such an idiot. Pregnancy and childbirth is no walk in the park. I say this as someone who had a relatively easy and complication-free go of it. Gaining 45 pounds, having constant sciatica, breeding an every-expanding parasite who likes to kick you in the ribs? Not fun at all.
If you had asked me if adoption was easier, especially on one of those dark, rumor-filled days when I didn’t believe we would be expedited or that we would be waiting another year, I would have wacked you in the head. That wait? BRUTAL. And ours was much shorter than most adoptive parents’.
But if you ask me now, as I sit on the other side of both of those experiences, pregnancy and adoption are just different. It is like comparing apples and oranges. At six weeks out, I would say that adopting L has been easier for me than giving birth to M. For one thing, it is physically easier to have a one year old than having a newborn baby while trying to recover from such a huge event like giving birth (we all sleep better than when M was a newborn, there is much less puke, my nipples are not sporting blood blisters etc.) Sure the jetlag was brutal, but that only lasted about a week.
But the real reason I think adopting L was easier for me is because I was READY for her. I was 100% certain we wanted another child. Despite the wait and the paperwork and even the hassle of the jackass who called our agency, I was completely and totally unambivilently sure that adoption was right for our family.
This was a sharp contrast to the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant with M. Her arrival was unplanned and not especially timely. My pregancy was frought with anxiety and doubts, not to mention the fact that I was unthrilled to be watching my former life of freedom evaporating before my eyes after she was born. I am more bonded to L after knowing her for six weeks than I was to M after three or four months. Whether that was my hormones getting in the way or a side effect of all the stress, I don’t know. But it is different and much easier to become a parent to L.*
Is adoption more work? Maybe, maybe not. To me, it is just DIFFERENT work. I am forever grateful I did a lot of the work of educating myself about adoption ethics, transracial adoption and attachment issues way before we met L. We chose the process we were comfortable with and got a daughter who is pretty much perfect for our family. There was no “settling”.
Doing that work in advance left me free to embrace L and the adoption experience with an open, unconflicted, unambivalent heart. And given the losses L has already experienced in her short life? She deserved nothing less.
I only wish I could go back in time and have a chance to have that same experience with my pregnancy and M’s birth. Both M and L deserved to be welcomed into our family with joy and celebration.
So I guess that is my response to a certain post which caused a minor flare up in my corner of the internet.
*For the record, the long, slow falling in love with M was its own awesome experience. Thank the gods, I knew that bonding didn’t have to happen overnight. I knew if I was patient and just did the work, M would eventually work her magic on me.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:55 am
I think this was an insanely interesting and greatly needed post and subject. Thank you.
April 10th, 2007 at 2:19 am
This post is fascinating to me, as I come from a family with bio and adopted siblings. My own mother could have written these words- she often expressed the same sentiments to me when I was struggling through infertility treatment, and then considering adoption. She often said that she just couldn’t compare the experience of parenting bio and adopted kids- they were just too different. And according to her- equally wonderful.
April 10th, 2007 at 3:12 am
The initial post and its rather upsetting comments have by now sparked a number of very interesting and worthwhile posts from bloggers that I follow. So in a weird way I guess I should be happy that someone kicked this off?
I don’t know.
We wanted biological children - it didn’t happen, so all we know is the adoption experience. Bringing home twins without having hands-on experience with toddlers before hand (at least for me) was daunting and almost pushed us over an edge or two. But I cannot begin to imagine how much harder it would have been for my wife to carry them and give birth to them and for us to deal with them those first few months.
We were incredibly fortunate that everything turned out the way it did - and I’m not second guessing any of our decisions in the process.
April 10th, 2007 at 3:47 am
Even though both our son and I almost lost our lives when I was pg, I still found the pg much more enjoyable and easier (as in convenient, inexpensive, tangiable) than waiting years to adopt domestically (w/many failed matches) then switching to China only to have them slow down.
I would have thought bonding would have been easier with our dd (12 mos. at adoption) since we waited so long for her, saved up $$$, etc., but it hasn’t been. Her LACK of sleeping (she still refuses to sleep–been home 7 months!) has caused a great rift with my emotions to her. She is constantly tired and thus, extremely cranky, destructive, defiant, etc. It’s been rough, and to be completely frank, when people ask me “see, weren’t all those years of waiting worth it?!”, at this time of her STILL adjusting, sadly, I can’t respond yes to that question.
April 10th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Very interesting post. Most people I know in real life think I’m crazy for telling them it’s different raising an adopted baby whose first year included, I suspect, some unreliable caregiving.
But - re your situation as you describe it - maybe also some of the difference is second kid vs first kid, experienced vs inexperienced parenting?
April 10th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
I agree that pregnancy and adoption are simply different - not better or worse, just different, but in so many ways, both wonderful as well. To me, in some ways, starting out with a 10 month old was easier, in other ways, harder. It was honestly a bit of a shock to my system when we came home with Emma and she was up and about and into everything from moment one - Thomas was 7 years old by this time and I think I’d forgotten what having a toddler was like, how much work and hands on time was involved, and there was no adjustment period - it was 0 to 60! It probably took me a couple of months to get into a groove. And as for the posts you refer to, I really don’t have an issue with anyone questioning whether adoption is right for them - I think if it’s not, they better find out before they adopt - but I guess I’m totally naive because I can’t even imagine that anyone would consider an adopted child to be 2nd best to a biological one and it upsets me beyond words that anyone could ever look at my family and think we “settled” for Emma given that she is the most amazing little girl I’ve ever met!!
Julie
April 10th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Interesting post.
I know have one of my own percolating away in my brain.
Different is how I have summed it up in my experience.
I am a bit of a weeenie though.
When I have been reading different blogs the last day or so and it has referenced , without a link, the furor about this post, I had NO idea what was being talked about. Even though I read it and commented on it.
Hmmm.
Maybe it is just because I don’t and can’t get the idea of “settling”. The process we went through to meet and have our youngest children was about anything other than that.
However, I have never ever had to deal with infertility (and I am grateful for that), maybe that is where that idea comes from.
April 10th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Wow - what a stir - thanks for the links.
I do know that the idea that parents “settled” for an adopted child is deeply ingrained in our culture. When I announced we were adoting a child from China, I actually had people stroke my arm and tell me how sorry they were that we couldn’t have any more biological children. (We have two bio sons). I almost always replied that I could push out 6 or 7 more, but we wanted to adopt our daughter from China.
I believe that the pervasiveness of the idea of “settling,” does get ingrained in adoptees. No matter how many times parents say “you were second choice, not second best” or whatever is the current phrasing. I don’t know how people who came to adoption through infertility deal with that, except, I hope, honestly and truthfully. I am glad that we can tell our daughter we did not want another biological child, we wanted to adopt her.
Also, I have learned through this whole experience that MANY people can’t and should not adopt. Period.
Finally, I would say the same thing to someone contemplating another bio child and someone contemplating adoption — if you are ambivalent, wait until you are sure. If you do not become sure, don’t do it.
DS-L
April 10th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
I hijacked your comments only to have internet explorer blow up in my face and slam that window closed before my twitching little nail bitten fingers could hit “submit”. So I’ll collect my thoughts, tell you I like your perspective and go prepare some lunch for this kid. because the feeding of my kid is actually more important than my need to expound on this topic. at this moment. heh.
April 10th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Boy. I read Julie’s post at a little pregnant yesterday, and while I came away with the feeling that she probably should wait a while to see how her feelings play out about going forward with adoption, I didn’t get the sense that she was “knocking” the process of adoption or felt that adopted children were “second best.” Perhaps this is because I myself haven’t adopted. I’ve also not experienced what I would consider *true* problems with fertility, although it did take us close to a year to conceive, and then only after I started progesterone supplements to stop what I believe were several very early miscarriages. During this year period, I did start to think about adoption, and was in some ways excited by the process (even the homestudy, because I’m a nerd and like to do self-analyzing stuff like that), but also felt that having a biological child would be an easier and less-expensive process financially. And, for me, it did turn out to be an easier process–my pregnancy, when it finally happened, went very smoothly. I did not experience many aches or pains, morning sickness was mild, and the birth itself, while painful, was also not bad. But again, everyone has a different experience and outlook. For you, AmFam, it sounds like you were much more prepared for L’s arrival, which might have made it seem easier than M’s pregnancy, birth, and early babyhood.
There are many ways of starting/growing a family–each one of them as legitimate as the rest…..Can’t we all just get along without getting up in arms about another person’s perspective?
April 10th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Great response. Are questions still open? ’cause now I’m curious to know more about the process of falling in love with M
April 10th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Each definitely has their own ups and downs. I can’t say that one was easier than the other. I do feel the same as you though, that I bonded pretty quickly to Camille while it took a month or more to bond to our bio son. Interesting…
April 12th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Thank you for your fair and rational post on this topic.
April 13th, 2007 at 5:28 am
[...] There’s been this kerfuffle in the adoption blog world, related to Julie’s post and the responses to it. We had ChicagoMama blowing up…Figlet chiming in with “it’s not about you“…AmFam talking about the difference between loving and raising biological and adopted children…Lorrie chiming in with some pretty laidback commentary…then Julie posted some clarifications…and ChicagoMama posted some more thoughts, to which I posted a rather long comment…to which ChicagoMama responded. [...]