Alright, I have a billion things to write about, but no time or energy to get them out. So instead of writing about the continuing drama about Chinese school, how weirded out I was by seeing the dead body of my great grandfather*, or the torture of riding in a van for eight hours with my parents, sister, 4 yo niece and L, I am going to write about the first (and only) time my MIL met lovely L.
It isn’t one of my funniest MIL stories, but since we don’t see her that often, it will have to do.
If you missed it, I previously wrote about MIL’s reaction when we shared L’s referral picture with her before we went to China. It left a lot to be desired.
After we got back from China, Mr. A called MIL to tell her we were home. Instead of expressing any interest in our new daughter, MIL immediately responded “Well, now you owe ME a trip to China.”
Mr. A was confused. Upon further discussion, MIL claimed she had “just found out” that my mother had accompanied us to China. (Not true, because I had specifically told her my mom was coming) Apparently, MIL had talked to her sister who we visited in Shanghai who mentioned my mom. MIL was really annoyed because she assumed we paid for my mother’s trip and she was getting slighted.
“Uh, mom, we took [Amfam's mom] to take care of M. She paid for her own trip. Actually, she not only paid for her own trip, she paid for one of our plane tickets and all the hotel rooms she shared with M. We don’t OWE you anything.” Said Mr. A. The conversation ended quickly after that, with no real information about L being shared.
A few weeks later, MIL came to visit. She actually invited herself to visit us because Mr. A’s sister and BIL were going to be in town with their 1.5 year old daughter Small S, not because she wanted to see L. BIL and SIL attempted to cancel because Small S had a nasty cold, but we begged them to come because MIL was now committed to coming. Thankfully they did.
To give her credit, MIL did try to be nice about L. She wanted to hold her, but since L had only been home a few weeks and was still very cool toward Mr. A, we weren’t letting anyone hold her besides us. Mr. A explained this, but MIL kept trying. At one point she scooped up L when I wasn’t paying close attention and was quickly rewarded by L’s panicky screams.
Since we told MIL about our adoption plans, she seems to have decided that Small S is her favorite grandchild. She still seems to like M, but she REALLY likes Small S. For the past several months, MIL has insisted that Small S is brilliant (which is true, of course, but so are M and L). MIL calls her “the Chairman” and talks all the time about how intelligent Small S is. She just goes on and on about it and this visit was no exception.
When MIL was making such a big deal about Small S, I thought I would attempt to show MIL that M is also brilliant, so I asked M to read. M can read extremely well for kid who just turned four. We had her read a long paragraph that had difficult words like “swimming”. MIL just looked bored and said “that’s nice” when M finished. No comments about how smart M is were forthcoming. MIL continued to fawn over Small S, who wanted nothing to do with her because she wasn’t feeling well. MIL mentioned various impressive careers Small S could have because she is so intelligent and attractive.
Not long after that, L was playing with an electric piano. L really LOVES music and she was swaying back and forth in time with the beat. “Oh, L really likes music,” MIL said, “Maybe she coiuld be a dancer.”
This comment, while it seems innoculous enough, really rubbed Mr. A the wrong way. “What Chinese person thinks a dancer would be a good career?” he muttered under his breath. “So Small S can be the Chairman of a company and L will be a dancer? Not a great musician…just a dancer. Coming from my mom, you know what THAT means. Bah.”
Most of the (thankfully short) visit went pretty well, but the icing on the cake happened when we were at dinner. MIL had not made many comments about L’s appearance besides mentioning that her skin was very dark (it isn’t really). If she said L was cute, I don’t remember it now. What I do remember is when MIL looked over at L during dinner, examined her face and matter of factly announced “One of L’s eyes is smaller than the other one.”
Conversation ground to a halt until my BIL said “Oh, no one has eyes that are exactly the same size.” And all the rest of us agreed. MIL did not look convinced.
It is funny, because MIL was trying really hard that day. Mr. A and I could both tell she was trying, but she still managed to irritate us and say things that showed that she really doesn’t think that highly of L. Of course, it was only the first time she met her, so we can’t expect her to love L yet. We also know that MIL is generally somewhat tactless and oblivous that she is saying hurtful things, but it still stung.
Before L came home, I was trying a lot harder with MIL. I could see things in a more humorous light. But now? Now that L is going to hear all those little comments and probably be hurt by them, my patience and humor are wearing thin.
We used to try to facilitate a relationship between M and MIL for M’s benefit (and theoretically for L’s benefit before we got her). Now, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that MIL’s favoritism and general tactlessness are going to hurt my kids (even if M was crowned the favorite, it would still be unhealthy for her). So I am no longer willing to bend over backwards to accomodate MIL an create opportunities for her to see our kids. I am also working on emotionally distancing myself from caring whether she likes our family or not.
*Does anyone else find it difficult to look at a dead body and not think about the fact that they glued the lips together? That was all I could think about at the funeral.
Favoritism and tactless? Did MY Mom come up to visit?
It sounds like my grandmother acts about the same with her grandkids as your MIL does with Small S and M. Her oldest 2 grandkids, my 2 male cousins, are really smart, and she was always sure they’d have fabulous jobs (they do now). I’m about as smart as them, I think, and when I was in middle school, she always told me that I should be a card dealer at a casino because tall female dealers could get good tips. I realize that she has very old-fashioned ideas of gender roles, and that helps me to understand why she says things like that, but it hurt to hear those things when I was younger, and to this day, I can still get worked up and annoyed about it. I don’t regret having her in my life when I was younger, but I wish I understood earlier why she said those things – maybe as M and L get older, if MIL doesn’t shape up, some explanations for MIL’s behavior could help them understand the situation.
I wish I could say I didn’t understand. After much consideration, my husband and I have decided that his mother will not be a part of our daughter’s life. It’s not an easy decision, but sometimes you have to bite that bullet.
Acutally, all I could think about was what my grandmothers dead body would feel like…until I touched her face. It was cold and hard. My grandfather kissed her on the lips and makeup rubbed off on his shirt!!!
>> Does anyone else find it difficult to look at a dead body >> and not think about the fact that they glued the lips
>> together?
I didn’t say it before, but please accept my condolenses on the loss of your great-grandfather.
When I was TTC and then when I was pg, I really, really tried to go out of my way to have a good relationship with my MIL. I took a lot of verbal beatings and tactlessness in the name of trying to reach out, open the lines of communication, and make sure my kids had a positive relationship with their grandmother.
But she only has two grandchildren. (She really has 9. Five are from a stepson and 2 are ours which are also not biologically related to her. The two she counts are her only strictly biological grandchildren.) It finally occured to me that no matter what I did, no matter how open or nice I was, I couldn’t change my kid’s DNA or her attitude about it. And to keep trying and ignoring the fact that she has prejudices against my kids was going to end up harming them more than just letting it go. If I accepted that she thinks my kids are “less” because of their biology, in a way my kids might see that I thought they were less because of it. And that is something I just won’t do.
So, I stopped trying. And she is missing out on a relationship with my 2 (and my BIL’s 5) wonderful kids. Its her loss. I don’t think the kids are missing anything. We are a lot happier this way.
Thanks for the MIL story. It was kinda funny, if not sad. Makes me feel like I’m not alone!
Oh, gosh…it’s like a much worse version of my grandmother, whose favorite thing to do was to fiddle with your hair and say, “You’d look so nice if only you did…” (fill in the blank). Which bothered me my entire childhood. Grandma was still able to make my mom cry about that sort of stuff when mom was in her 70s…
I’m sorry for both M and L. And for your MIL, who won’t understand, ever.
Amazing. I think you are doing a great job if you can first get to the poing where you don’t facilitate the visits, etc, and then eventually you won’t think about it so much. I had to do it, and now I don’t even think about my MIL at all….it’s just craziness that I dont’ want to deal with.
Condolensces on your GF and I had no idea about the lip thing….
I didn’t know they glued the lips together. Thanks for imparting that nugget. That’s so totally creepy.
I know you will handle your MIL appropriately. And maybe some day M and L will blog about how crazy their grandmother is. If L is going to be a dancer, and Small S is going to be a chairman, what is in M’s future?
Favortism sucks but sadly it is ingrained in the Chinese culture (especially for the older generations who grew up in China). It’s something that has stained my extended family and we continue to feel the ramifications of it at EVERY (extended) family event.
My grandmother has even said, “I can’t help it if I love someone more.”
Sorry that you’re having to deal with this. It sucks for everyone!
There was just a story on CNN about “Growing up Hapa”. I immediately thought of you and Miss M and thought you might be interested in seeing it.
http://www.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?url=/video/specials/2007/05/12/nguyen.hapas.remixed.fulbeck.cnn&wm=11
Your stories about your MIL remind me, painfully, of my own mother. She has showed all kinds of cluelessness, tactless comments and favoritism. I have been BEYOND irritated, beyond enraged by it; but oddly my kids have been much more easygoing about it. They both love her; they both are incredibly affectionate with and protective her and even the “unfavored” one has pretty much won her over. I’m the one who feels very bitter about it on THEIR behalf but they don’t seem to be fazed.
Yikes! I hope one day your MIL will get it, but it’s probably too late for her to change her behavior. I think you and Mr. A have been doing a wonderful job at protecting L, M, and yourselves!
Oh, also, I wonder what you would think of this article:
http://www.freakonomics.com/blog/2007/05/14/adoptive-parents-may-also-face-the-decision-to-abort/
I think you’ve got the right attitude. As one of 4 kids, my sister was my grandmother’s shining star and the rest of us didn’t exist. The rest of us were chopped liver. It hurt terribly as a kid, and no matter what my parents did, it never changed. Grandparents are wonderful in a child’s life only if they are good grandparents. If they can’t be good, loving, fair grandparents.. then who needs them?
Do you think it will happen to us? that is my worry. my mother gets worse all the time. she has no buffer between what pops in her head and out of her mouth. here are a few favorites:
Looking at my husband’s brothers childs picture. “well that kid is certainly better looking thanneither of his parents”
seeing a picture of my best frienc. “Jesus she looks like an old woman”
my all time favorite said to me her daughter that tried for nyears to get pregneant only to have the fetus die in the uterus at the start of the second trimester. drum roll please “If you HAd ever given birth to a child you’d understand”.
She didn’t used to be this way. I am afraid of it happening to me as I age. seriously keeps me up at night. that and all the horrible stuff she says to me.
hang in there
I thought about that a lot at my Dad’s funeral in December. I wished they’d had a better picture because they got his mouth all wrong, and I couldn’t stand to look at him because I didn’t want to remember him that way.
Sounds like my MIL. She is terrible. She showed favouritism for her youngest son, and acts as though she dislikes my husband. He is the oldest, and she is always looking for something to get angry at him for. This has gone on as long as my husband can remember. (Imagine growing up being the hated son?)
She loves my son, he is her only grandchild. Part of her loving him, though, means that she has to put down ALL other children. She has said that both my brother’s son and her sister’s grandson are ugly babies. She makes comments on other people’s kids too. In the mall, at the park. I HATE going out with her in public. I am trying to distance my family from her because I feel it is unhealthy for both my son and my husband. My husband is really close to his father, so this is hard to do.
Ah, your mother-in-law. Poor M. And L. On the other hand, I’m pleased she at least treats Small S well – doesn’t she not care for your brother-in-law because he’s Korean? Or am I remembering someone else’s brother-in-law?
I’m impressed you got 157 people to do the survey. And I really didn’t need to know that about the glued lips. I’m suddenly really grateful we have a tendency to cremate people in my family.
I am sorry. I wish she could be the grandmother your children deserve…
You handle your MIL alot better than I would.
Me thinks it’s time to cut some ties. Since she can’t control herself, then why keep trying to make it happen, just because she is the “grandmother” of your children? We all know biology isn’t everything, so no need to keep her around. IMHO.
I’m blog-hopping today, and enjoying your writing and how much your posts are making me think. I usually don’t post on blogs when I’m not a regular reader, but your story reminded me so much of my grandfather. Tactless, critical, self-absorbed, and completely uninterested in us grandkids. I just wanted to share with you that, looking back as an adult, the only thing I regret about his grumpiness and cruelty was that it prevented me from getting to know him better. My parents and other relatives provided me with self-esteem (and more than a few appologies for grandpa’s behavior), so although some of his antics stung at the time, looking back, I don’t think they caused me much permanent damage. Now that he is gone I don’t feel the shame he tried to dump on me, I just feel pity for him that all us grandkids have so few good memories to remember him with.
I guess what I want to say to you is that whatever decisions you make about how to deal with the MIL, there is plenty of room for your children to learn to love her, even when she doesn’t show love–and learn to stand up for themselves even when she puts them down. I’m not trying to give advice about what you do–just to let you know of one instance from the kid’s perspective where the kid turned out okay.