Yesterday was the three month anniversary of the day we met L. It is funny how three months seems so short and so long at the same time. I thought I would give a little update of where things stand right now:
Motor Skills:
While L’s motor skills were delayed, they weren’t too terribly awful. When we first met her at 11 months old, I would estimate her motor skills to be somewhere around the 8 month old range. She could crawl and stand, but her fine motor skills were pretty delayed. Since then, L has developed a solid pincher grasp, learned to point, and learned to feed herself both with her hands and with a spoon (though a bit inefficiently).
Another big problem she had initially was an inability to let things go and open her hand when she was grasping something. Now she drops things all the freaking time, as my very crumby floor will attest.
L still isn’t walking independently for more than about 5-6 steps, but she has managed to learn to bear crawl and to stand from a crawling position without using any furniture for leverage. This is huge because L couldn’t even bend her knees from a standing position when we met her. About 4 weeks of practice and now she can bounce herself while holding on to things.
We think in addition to needing to develop the leg and core strength for walking over the past few months, she is also deterred by our hardwood floors. She does NOT like to let go of the furniture to walk in the house because when she falls it is usually pretty hard. She practices much much more willingly in the grassy yard. I am guessing she will be walking in another month or so.
Language Acquisition:
About six weeks after we met L, it was like a switch turned on and she started to understand what we were saying to her. She started signing a few signs then and since then has added probably about 15 signs to her list, though she seems to go through phases of using them a lot for a day or two, then moving on and hardly using them at all. That “cracker” phase wore off after she recieved about 37 crackers and now she isn’t interested any more.
L came to us able to say “ma ma” and “da da”, though it wasn’t until about the 6 week mark that she really meant Mr. A and myself when she said those things. Last week, she started adding new words in earnest: Bob-ble (bottle), Dat (cat), tata (cracker) and Maaaaaa for M’s name. It is funny, her words seem to have a bit of a tonal quality to them. Bob-ble is always said with a low first syllable and a much higher second syllable. Maaaa is said with a clear rising tone and sounds completely different than the mama ma’s.
Attachment and Bonding:
Attachment is the area that I am still a little concerned about. L is very clearly attached to me. If I am holding her, usually all is well in her world. In fact, it is almost like she would like to be attached to my body 24-7 if there are other people around (when we are alone at home, she is happy to go exploring on her own). She has no problems letting me feed her, she relaxes completely in my arms for rocking and she barely wakes up at night once I am sleeping in the bed next to her. When other people are around, she check in frequently to make sure I am nearby. And she is a very snuggly hugger with me, I get hugs many times each day. I think these things are relatively good signs.
L’s attachment to Mr. A is still a bit more dicey. As long as we are following our routine, she is accepting of his presence and the times he is scheduled to spend with her (breakfast and after dinner). Other times, though, she is less enthusiastic, especially if I am within sight. She seems to notice that the main times Mr. A tries to hold her are the times when I need to go away (to shower, etc) and this pisses her off. She doesn’t calm down for Mr. A like she does for me and she really doesn’t like to eat when he tries to feed her breakfast.
When I took L out of state overnight for a funeral, she seemed to regress in her attachment to Mr. A. She had woken up in the hotel saying “da da? Dada?” but he wasn’t there. She was fine at the time, but when we got home the next evening, she would scream whenever he came near her.
We haven’t decided if we should continue to wait and see if she will do better with Mr. A, or if we should try to do more attachment-promoting activities (like 1/2 hour with him in the baby carrier every day). Things are improving, we just don’t know if we should do more so she will be more comfortable with him faster.
All in all, L’s adjustment and development has been very good and much easier than I expected. Other parts (learning how to get her to sleep, adjusting to two kids) have been harder, so it kind of evens out.
Yay for all her progress! I like the idea of A and the baby carrier. Did you guys make it out to the Asian festival this weekend?
Er….last weekend? Heh.
It sounds like L is doing great! We’ve been home just one week and attachment seems to be going well here as well. There are a few subtle things that still worry me a bit (she wants to feed herself!), but otherwise we get a ton of eye contact, hugs, etc.
Two kids is definitely a challenge. Especially when your second is old enough to notice when you are giving attention to your first. Usually when I pick up one of them, the other one wants up right away!
I guess I forgot about the getting-baby-to-sleep thing. I mean, I remembered but not really. We are in that “I’ll fall asleep in your arms but as soon as you lay me down somewhere I will wake up again” phase. On the other hand, she pretty much sleeps through the night – which is about a million times better than my son was doing at this age.
Is M suddenly incredibly interested in baby toys? My son has rediscovered beepy phones and shape sorters (perhaps just to keep his sister from playing them…).
I’m no expert, but my understanding is that over the long run it’s more important that she attach to *anyone* than that she attach to all of you immediately. If she’s attached to you now, it means she has the capacity to attach to Mr. A. and M when she’s ready.
Go Am-Fam! The internet is rooting for you!
I am reliving exhaustion reading about L’s attachment to you. LSP was so similar. I agree with No Expert’s comment about her ability to attach to someone being important. It is. But I also remember just how draining it was to be the only source of comfort. It has taken so long but it has been worth it and J and I are glad we followed our guts or at least extrapolated what LSP needed. You are doing the same for L. Love that L is starting to put words together. How is M doing in her role as big sister?
Different ages (our youngest was 7 when she came to us) but similar feelings about the Dad.
When he would touch her or ask her to go with him on an errand she would look at me and ask me why he was touching her or why he was talking to her.
It took nearly 6 months of patience etc. and then one night when she really needed comforting and I had done a lot of it already – I sent Dad up to do it.
It was hard for me, I really wanted to be the up there but it was so right. A turning point for them.
Amazing how it isn’t that different for you, even when she is a baby.
If you’re up to it any comments on how you are managing the transition from one to 2 would be much appreciated. With an upcoming referral (fingers crossed) and one nearly 6 year old at home, am desperately trying to remember the baby phase and figure out how I am going to cope. So advice very welcome. Sounds like all is going well though for you..I’m sure she’ll attach to dad soon.
Totally agree with No Expert and Figlet about attaching to you first. When her attachment to you is rock solid, and it sounds like it is well on her way, she will be able to branch out and attach to Mr. A and to M. I would say it took Jayden 6 months (about as long as it took her to sleep well) to move on to attaching to my hubby. And yes, I KNOW it is exhausting to have her so needy now. But it will pay off HUGE. People say to me all the time that they have never seen such a comfortable, self-assured and happy nearly 3 year old. And we are two weeks away from our 2 year anniversary!
DS-L
You’ve gotten some great advice above about the attachment issue. You are still so early in this process. We adopted our daughter at age four, but like the others have said, she attached to me first before my husband. But she did eventually attach to my husband and our older daughter. It is tough when they want you, and want to be held, all the time. You feel like just need some time to yourself without anyone touching you! Hang in there…it sounds like things are going well so far.
I thought you might be interested in a book I wrote and illustrated for children, called Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond. If you are interested, you can learn more at my website http://www.geocities.com/forever.child1.
By the way, you might want to have your husband do some of the activities that promote attachment, like feeding her, playing Patty Cakes, and blowing bubbles (all promote eye contact). Good luck!
Christine Mitchell
forever.child@hotmail.com
Even children who’ve never been exposed to a tone language start out with the hypothesis that tone in words matters*. They will say things like ALL-gone with ALL on a high note, and never change the way they say it. After a while they realise that people around them use the same word with different tones, and they also become a bit more accepting of slightly different pronunciations of words.
*I’m not a parent, but I do this stuff for a living.
[...] When we met L, I was pretty sure that her behavior indicated she was at high-risk for attachment issues*. Her initial anxious attachment to me and rejection of Mr. A seemed like trauma response from being yanked away from her only home and people who had cared for her for so long. I also suspect she was anxiously attached to someone or several people before we met her. (You can read a little description of her attachment difficulties once we got home here). [...]
[...] If I were reading this description on someone else’s blog, I would be thinking “attachment issues! attachment issues!” I think that is probaby a fair assumption. We have been dealing with L’s attachment and trauma issues since she first came into our family. This isn’t even the first time that a change in the family routine or someone traveling led to acting out. It just caught me off guard because L seems so much like a “normal” kid (i.e. kid who hasn’t been traumatized) so much of the time, I forget that sometimes she will react more intensely. [...]