When M was a tiny baby, I decided we needed to move back to our Midwestern City so we would be near our families. I also made that decision because Mr. A was extraordinarily UN-helpful in those new baby days*. There were several conversations in which I told him “I am going with or without you. I need to be near someone who will help me take care of M. I am losing my mind doing this in San Francisco and you are NO HELP AT ALL.”
Obviously, Mr. A decided to come along. Fortunately for us, he also figured out that he would be a better father if he actually came home and managed to see the children while they are still awake. Right now, he is an amazing dad and his support helps me be a better parent too.
While coming with me and his children was a pretty obvious choice, it also had a high price for Mr. A. Most of his best friends lived in the Bay Area. While we have made new friends here, none of them really come close to replacing the friends he had from college and law school.
When one of his good friends flew into town this weekend to visit with Mr. A and to meet L, I could tell how happy Mr. A was to hang out with him. I know he misses his friends a lot. I wish we could just make them all move here.
*In his defense, he was TRYING to be a good dad, but he thought that meant working a lot so he could make a lot of money to support the family…this was not my idea of a good parent.
My dad also had that mentality somewhat, especially when we got into our teen years. My husband had that mentality in a major way with his first family and I let him know it doesn’t fly with me. He has really come to feel as I do, he is not close to his older kids so much–he was never home and really they treat him more as a paycheck. He is super close with our daughter–I think the adoption process added a lot to that too, we had to wait together.
OR you can move back to the Bay Area. Please please please please!