Mother issues
My sister called me tonight. Apparently, I have mortally offended my mother because I requested that she
a) Not buy any more clothes for our children and
b) stop reading a book about Jesus to M who seems to be excessively interested in said book.
According to my sister, my mother cried and cried because she thinks that I think she isn’t a good person and isn’t a good influence. Jesus fucking christ, that was about all I could think when I heard this.
In defense of myself, we have a really small house. REALLY. It is full. Totally and completely full of stuff. Every time my parents see them, the send home MORE stuff. Last week, my mom took us to Talbots’ kids and I said she could buy each of the girls 2 (ridiculously overpriced even when marked 50% off) outfits. They aren’t exactly my style, but they are not hootchie clothes, so I am fine with my kids wearing them.
But the fact is, we have WAY to many clothes. When I get time I will take a picture of the ridiculous amount of clothing I pulled out of M’s drawers the other day. When we get behind on laundry, no joke, we have about 7-9 loads piled up. What does this tell you?? WE HAVE TO MANY CLOTHES. Especially when you consider the fact that I wear 2 pairs of pants and 3 tshirts over and over and over. All those other clothes belong to the shorties, and I HATE LAUNDRY.
I shared this with my mom last week. Then she showed up on Saturday with 6 more items of clothing from Talbot’s kids. WHAT THE FUCK!?! She also sent M home with another pair of shoes on Sunday. I know she enjoys the shopping, but if she would take all that money and put it into their college funds, it would pay for an entire year of tuition!
As for the Jesus thing, well, I knew that would annoy her. But is it really a cause for CRYING?
Apparently my dad is also concerned that if my mom says anything to me, I will not let them take M to disneyworld this fall. For the record, I have NEVER limited their contact with my kids. For that matter, I bend over backwards making sure that Mr. A’s mom gets to see them as much as she wants and she really does manage to offend me every time I talk to her. We moved here so our kids WOULD KNOW THEIR GRANDPARENTS! So what good would it do me to limit their contact?
Seriously, I am so annoyed right now. I know my mother and I are very different people. I am blunt and straightforward, quick tempered and quick to forgive. She is a conflict avoider who imagines that if I am upset enough to say something, deep down I must really hate her. She would never, ever dream of saying something that might be interpreted as criticism. I also think her way of dealing with life is seriously unhealthy.
It is all so STUPID.
/vent
June 25th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Again, I know this doesn’t help you, but I’m so glad other people have the same problems as I do and also need to vent about them. These were some of the issues I used to have with my MIL. Only she would bring over all this total crap from GARAGE SALES. Stuff we didn’t want or need or have room for. I hate it when people can’t take feedback just on faith that all you are saying is exactly what you are saying, that you have no room, don’t need their junk, even though you know they mean well and it was nice of them to think of you. Why is it that some people take things so personally?
Sorry about the frustration. Vent away…
June 25th, 2007 at 11:10 am
The whole “how dare you interfere with my precious role as grandparent, which I nurture by buying unholy amounts of STUFF” attitude runs rampant in certain quarters, doesn’t it. The number of ways in which it irritates me cannot be counted, but I’ll take your “look at our house, we can’t take it anymore!” and raise you a “do you really think you can buy someone’s affections, and if so, why don’t you try buying MINE?” for fun.
We’ve had similar encounters with the book thing [not this particular subject, but other parallels], and I always end up thinking my mom must not think she did a very good job as a mother, because she obviously doesn’t trust my judgement at all….
June 25th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Disfunction junction, what’s your function? (I know it is really hard not to get sucked in, especially with the emotional blackmail being ratcheted up high by DOS de la familia, but…) Don’t get sucked in, AmFam, don’t get sucked in–do not respond to third party interventions, treat your mother like the adult she is and let her come to you with this if she needs to, do not, I repeat, do not get sucked in to the vortex of drama (and if you can possibly manage it, tell your sister to keep this crap to herself).
June 25th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
i realize this is not really the point of your post, but i am so with you on the laundry. i have threatened to take us all back to the 1800’s and give each person one set of play clothes and one set of church clothes.
7-9 isn’t bad.
June 25th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
did our moms have a secret meeting or something? We have WAAAYYYY too many clothes too, though mostely my doing, but my mom now insists on adding to the obnoxious dress-up princess froofroo dress collection. last week, a wedding dress with veil… yes sirry! and out of nowhere, my hippy, non-religious parents, have suddenly started wondering if our choice of judaism is right for our kids, or maybe if they should talk about the baby Jesus to my kids….. the baby Jesus made 2 appearrances in my life, 2! but now, they’re finding their religion because I chose a different one!!! Oh, and I’m 90% sure my mother fed them ham and cheese sandwiches last week. how very Kosher!
June 25th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Awww crap! I was going to send you some Ten Commandment pajamas for your kids.
Wait, is that bad?
I hear ya.
June 25th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I feel you!
My mother also pulls the “crying/I’m hurt” crap. Because how can you reasonably discuss FEELINGS? You can’t! Which is their secret weapon. Grrr….
I am encountering the clothes situation, too. My baby is due in two weeks and she already has more than enough wardrobe. We need NO MORE CLOTHES. I’ve tried to get the word out because it genuinely makes me feel bad to see folks waste their hard-earned cash buying my kid something she does not need.
June 25th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
I so hear you. I have told everyone NO MORE CLOTHES and my mom still showed up last weekend with 2 complete outifts down to socks and shoes. I also heard from my sister that my mom’s feelings are hurt we gave that shopping cart thing that we never used. Sigh
June 25th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Wow, I could have written this post. I have the same mother (in law). Very sensitive. She does all of the above including giving me every magazine in her house instead of recycling them. In case I want to clip an article. It’s so frustrating. Thanks for posting, I am not alone in the madness, and that makes ME feel better. Don’t know what would make you feel better, but in my experience a little cocktail does the trick.
June 25th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
I had the same problem with my mother in law. She would buy my husband and I so much crap. Or just give us stuff. Which I would then donate. When I was pregnant with my son, my husband talked to his father about the problem and how we don’t want loads of crap for our son. So, my mil buys NOTHING now. Not a single present. I know she was upset, but still. We didn’t say to buy nothing. My mom does buy my son lots of clothing, toys, etc. buy she lives a five hour flight away. Which means that I only see her a few times a year. In her case, I tell her she can buy anything that will fit into the suitcase.
Strangely enough, my mil STILL buys my husband and I lots of useless (and ugly!) items. It’s a good thing she never goes to the thrift stores in town.
June 25th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Family, you can’t live with ‘em and you can’t throttle them either. My family (including most in-laws) are on the opposite end of the spectrum from yours. They’re either so po’ and trashy or lame and self-involved that they don’t get my kid much of anything. So almost all of the plastic crap and extraneous clothes we wade through in our house is stuff that we actually paid for ourselves. How’s that for bitter irony? We do have one or two aunts like your mom though and I’m just so grateful to have them think of my baby when they don’t have to that I can’t make myself get rid of all the “not-to-my-taste” gifts they give her. Oh well, if it’s not one thing, it’s another.
This may be too frustratingly indirect for you Amber, but how about inviting your mom over to tell her how much you all appreciate her while taking an inventory of the girl’s closets? “Oh, remember when you got M this outfit? And that? Wish she’d had a chance to wear it more before she grew out of it.” Maybe if she had to actually witness how overwhelming it’s all become, she’d see that it isn’t personal? Would she be open to helping you weed through the “outgrown” items while you drop hints about the kinds of gifts that would be welcome? College funds are very practical but some gift givers really need the symbols of their love to be tangible. Is there something that would fill a need but not so much space? Books? Zoo/museum memberships? Lessons or activities of some sort? Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you. Adult mother/daughter relationships are a tricky business, even for the best of them.
June 25th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
My stepmom sends bags of clothes by mail that she gets at some mysterious thrift store. I’m not against used kids clothes, but some of her selections are completely ridiculous. For example: pilled cotton puffy pants with zebra print on them and spots of flourescent orange, yellow and green. “Wife beater” type shirts for ds, sweaters covered in cat hair, sweaters that smell like cigarette smoke… Yeah, so it could be worse!
June 25th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
I’m with Peg. Don’t get sucked into the third party arguments. Either take it up with your mom directly or proceed as if the conversation with your sister or father did not happen.
Oh, and start ebaying the stuff. New With Tags! Never worn! Finance a lovely trip to the beach with the proceeds.
June 26th, 2007 at 1:48 am
a month ago, i was so with you. clothes not our taste were showing up to the house and liz had a talk with her mom about it. “send receipts, no dresses, no pink, etc, etc.” her mom was hurt, but we were smug in our victory.
then we went to a wedding where we sat with some folks that said we shouldn’t squash a grandmother’s right to buy their grandkids stuff, it’s their role and they are very happy when they get to buy them stuff. one fills her car to the top when they visit. (oy.) they were so earnest in their plea to just let them do their business that i actually heard them.
so, couple that with the fact that my own parents are lame and have not acknowledged val’s existence at all, i’m leaning towards letting her do whatever the heck she wants. val should have doting grandparents, who am i put my issues ahead of her? my aunt, otoh, has been awesome so far, call me shocked and bowled over.
June 26th, 2007 at 3:45 am
Do we have the same mother? My mom was all in a huff about clothes as well, she was at a VERY expensive store where a huge sale was going on and called from CA (we live in OH) to ask me the sizes. I said, no clothes, we have a ton–more than she will wear this summer–and that I would rather her take the x number of dollars she would have spent and put it in her savings. I also mentioned that in a few years she will want name brands and that would be a better time, for now she grows too quickly and plays hard and is only three, so why waste the money. Well, sis is nine months preg (eight plus at the time) and more than willingly let you heap the clothes on (although she has more than enough clothes and the baby isn’t even here yet). It makes it hard because my sister loves the doting grandparent bit and it makes me crazy!
As for religion, I warned my mom before we got my daughter and she knows I am damn serious about her trying to indoctrinate my daughter behind my back or in front of it–I won’t budge on that. My cousin is dealing with that with my aunt and seriously I think she is going to lose contact; my mom has seen this and hasn’t caused any problems yet.
You are not alone.
June 26th, 2007 at 5:00 am
I’m so sorry-that is tough to deal with. But Peg is right about not getting sucked in-in fact, my mother gave me similar advice a couple of months ago. She had an unpleasant exchange with my sister about me “changing” jobs. She told me about it because she inadvertently shared information that she felt was my private stuff. But she warned me “do not call her-let her work through it on her own”-sure enough, last week my sister very enthusiastically and sincerely congratulated me on my new job.
I’m “lucky” in that my mother and mil are both very independent secure women, and I am often startled by the experiences of many of my friends-but, just to be clear, having a mother who loves me but thinks her job was done 20 years ago and my life is my own-sometimes is a little lonely-so it’s all relative. You clearly want her involved, so it may take some hard thinking to propose balance to her. I’ve had to pull my mother over a bit and show her where I would like support. Fortunately, my parents are atheists-though MM is scaring me with reference to her parents suddenly pulling out Jesus. I don’t think it could happen?!… ~lmc
June 26th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
When situations like this arise, I think to myself, “What would Jesus do?”
June 27th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
We’ve been struggling with my mom on this too. Here’s our the conversation goes:
Me: Mom, we don’t put her in dresses.
Mom: But dresses are so cute.
Me: Mom, we don’t put her in dresses, but she does need some (shorts, pants, whatever fancypants thing that we prolly wouldn’t shell out for ourselves)
Mom: But dresses are so cute.
Me: Mom, until she’s old enough to want dresses, we’re not going to make her wear them. When she has an opinion, we’ll certainly respect it.
Most of the time, about a week later, we get something similar to what I mentioned we needed in the mail. But now and again, something truly hideous/a dress (sometimes, it’s both!) arrives and we have the conversation all over again.
It absolutely confirms that my mom rarely ‘listens’ to me and of course, that she thinks little girls should only ever wear dresses. Drives me up the fucking wall but right now I’m sort of at peace with it.
Until the next thing arrives and we go around on this again.
No real wisdom here but oh yes, god yes, I feel your pain.
Did you get receipts for the things she bought? We’ve managed to wrangle a few of them from my mom and wound up getting some seriously cute shit with the credit.
June 28th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
so familiar, so very very familiar. in our house, not only is there the issue of TOO DAM#@d much stuff but she insists on buying things that the kids just plain don’t like. For example, she always buys Z dresses which Z will not wear and which I have told her Z will not wear. In fact, Z recently had me sell ALL of her wonderful hanna anderson dresses with leggings. Once Z hit 7, fighting over what to wear is just not worth the effort. Z is a black pants kind of girl and thats it.
My mother hits her second hand stores or target or ross and gets clothes for the kids but before sending anything, she stores it in her mildewy east coast basement so it picks up a fine aroma. And then she mails things in boxes/bags from same basement. Even after days in transit, you can smell the mold on everything. I can hardly open the packages and all the stuff has to be washed immediately. Of course, being older and a smoker, my mother insists that we are making up the smell because we don’t like her.
In my dreams I get my mother to give us all the money she spends on shipping and clothes that don’t fit to put in the kids college fund. Reality is so very different.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:00 am
[...] It was almost one year ago to the day that my mom and I had a big blow-out fight (which I apparently barely blogged) about me not wanting her to read the “Jesus book” to M. [...]