While we were waiting to adopt L, I was a member of a group for parents with both biological and adopted children. I rarely read that group, but every month or so, they would have some reoccuring posts/questions about topics related to the group. The one that spoke the most to my deepest fears was “What if you never really love your biological and adopted children the same?”
I thought about that question a lot. The baby we would adopt wasn’t asking to join our family. This adoption would be our choice and ours alone. Could we handle it if we never loved them equally? What if my love for the baby that would be L was less or different than the love I felt for M? Could I still be a good and fair parent if that happened?
In the end, I decided that if the love I felt was less or different, that would be ok. I had faith that I was a good enough parent to get over that and still make sure the baby felt loved and accepted. That decision was key to moving forward with our adoption.
Despite all my fears, I can honestly say there is no difference in the quantity or quality of love I feel for both of my children. Oh, I definitely love different things about each of them: different aspects of their personalities, the different ways they interact with me, the quirks they each have. But I never think about the fact that L is adopted when I think about loving her. I just love her, end of story.
In other ways, though, I do think a lot about L’s adoption. I think about her birthfamily every day. I think about the time L spent in an orphanage. I think about her abandonment. I wonder about the people in the world who love her now or who loved her before I knew her. I think about how abandonment, institutionalization and adoption have changed the person L is or who she will become.
There are so many unknowns about L’s beginning. I wonder about her ability to grow up healthy and strong if the foundation of her story is so full of holes. There are ways to find out more information about her history from the orphanage. I am sending them a letter and photos this week (finally, after much procrastination) and we will see if anything comes of it.
I also have this sneaking suspicion that it might not be to difficult to find out information about L’s birth family if her finding information is true. I also suspect that the possibility of finding information 5 or 10 years in the future will be much, much more difficult because of the nature of where she was found.
In the Chinese adoption community, searching seems to be a huge taboo. I have read about a handful of cases in which Chinese birthfamiles were accidentally located. You can read one story here (on page 10). The sample size is just too small to make an educated guess about the outcomes of locating a Chinese birth family or the possibility of success if a search was attempted.
I am wondering if there are more resources out there I am missing? I can’t seem to let go of the possibility that one day L will wish we had done more while we had the chance.
As an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent of 2, I feel like if finding contact information is a time-limited possibility, it’s best to make the effort while you can. We set up a P.O. Box for our kids (adopted domestically), which we will keep open indefinitely. Both families have the P.O. Box info. We adopted from foster care, so we don’t necessarily want an ongoing relationship with our kids’ birth parents at the moment, but we’ve collected all the information we can right now (pictures, family tree, names, birthdates, etc.) so that if they want to pursue a relationship with their birth parents, they can in the future.
We sent a letter/SASE/gift through blessedkids. I would have sent it directly, but because our 3 care packages never made it, I thought I better have someone in China send it just in case. Every time I check the mail now I am hoping and hoping to see a letter from China. I’m not expecting to learn anything about my daughter’s birth parents, but I would love to get in contact with her foster parents. Keeping fingers crossed!
I don’t know about resources you’re missing, but I heartily support your searching for whatever you can find.
I also may have mentioned this before, but there is a program of voluntary DNA matching going on right now for (I think) Salvadoran adoptees many (if not most) of whom were actually abducted during the civil war. Birth families and adoptees have to independently decide to give DNA samples but several families have been reunited. I suspect someday something similar may very well happen with the Chinese adoptees and their families.
But I know that social, political and cultural conditions in China are very different from El Salvador and they may keep birth families from coming forward voluntarily…
My youngest children are 8 and 11, they were 7 and 10 when they came to me.
They actively want to know everything they can of where they came from (birth family, foster, anything).
From their yearning – I truly believe that finding out all that can be found out for L. is the best thing to do.
Her info can then become just a part of her everyday life.
I try to do that for all my children.
Good luck!
We adopted my first son a year ago (from Ethiopia), and I am so glad we did a family search. First off, the people we found are sick, and next, even now, a year later, they have moved and we might not have found them if we had waited. We got so many more details on my son’s background, precious information, really. We also got some photos, including one of him as a baby! (A photo of a photo, but you know what I mean, and it told me that these people were the real deal.)
With our second adoption, I was able to meet these folks in person during the adoption.
For both boys, we got accurate birthdates (we couldn’t change them legally, but it’s wonderful to know). And we’re planning a trip soon there with the hope we might be able to visit people.
I say go for it. Don’t wait. I thought the same thing as you: what would my son think as an adult if he knew we could have searched but didn’t? Even if you do nothing with the information except put it aside til your daughter can look at it herself, she’ll value it completely.
I have posted about this issue (as you know…you were kind enough to comment back then)…and can honestly say that I think I have searched, gathered, and put forth an effort that will help S in any search that she may choose to embark on. I sent packages and letters (along with pics and steady emails ) to her SWI (she was not in foster care).
I know that searching is a touchy subject (bringing it up with my travel group on our private site was the only time that I felt uncomfortable there)…but I know enough about my daughter that I believe she would want to me to do what I am doing. The info is hers to use as she pleases.
As always, a thought provoking and strong post. Thanks.
By the way, why is searching a taboo within the Chinese adoption community? I could guess but I’d rather hear your thoughts.
[...] AmFam has been talking about searching for L’s information/family and in that case doing nothing could be impeding L’s future options — there could be harm in doing nothing. (I don’t know — I trust AmFam on this one but I’ll say right now that I don’t know enough about Chinese adoption to speak intelligently about it.) Because China is growing so quickly, the information they could get now may not be there by the time L is old enough to want to search. If I were AmFam, I hope I’d be brave and savvy enough to do what they’re doing. [...]
As someone who had a found-sibling situation drop on him from the heavens (my adopted daughter was separated from her twin sister in China) and is well acquainted with others in the same situation, I try to discourage people from looking out of curiosity, but encourage people who have run into this by accident to follow up on it.
The twins are absolutely nuts about each other and have a classic twin bond – but the separations (we try to get them together about once every 4 months or so at least) are terrible for the kids. They have gotten a lot out of their relationship – but it’s hard (very) for them to be apart.