Parenthood takes Prisoners. (questions part 1)

I forgot how much I like to do the question-answer format.  It totally takes all the pressure off me.  Feel free to keep adding new ones.  It will take me a few posts squeezed in after bedtime and during nap time to get through them.  The more the merrier.

Here we go:

Martha-Lynn asks:

I have a question for you, because I’m going to be giving birth in less than two months and find myself a bit freaked out by the whole thing: How do you retain a sense of self while being a mother? Has it gotten easier over time?

Oh, jeesh. You don’t start with the easy questions, do you?  I don’t think you are going to want to hear what I am going to tell you either. 

I think I do have a pretty good sense of self right now.  But the truth is that a big chunk of my self image is now as a parent.  I am pretty sure that isn’t what you mean when you are asking as a non-mom hoping to hold on to a good bit of your non-mom self. 

Becoming a mother is weird.  The minute they handed me that baby, it was like I walked through a door into a new life and I could never go back.  I spent a long time suffering from severe culture shock.  That first year, I fought like hell to try to hold on to the old me and my old life.  It was nothing more than a wasted effort. The old me is here, but parenthood takes prisoners.  Once you are through the door, there is no going back.

The other thing that was a struggle was learning that I could be the kind of mom I wanted to be, instead of that stereotypical mom who is on all the laundry detergent commercials.  Once I figured out that the ball is in my court, I got busy working on creating the life and relationships I want for me and my family.  It was a HUGE adjustment in my relationship with Mr. A (who was also learning to be a father), but we are stronger now that we have worked through it all. 

It does get easier…Or maybe you just get used to it.  I think I have written here before about my 90/10 philosophy of parenthood.  90% of the time you are doing really crappy, boring work. But 10% of the time, the clouds part and you are looking into your childs face as they run into your arms adoring you with their entire being. There is nothing that could possibly be better.  You do the 90 so you can get the 10.  Somehow it is still worth it.  That doesn’t make the 90 any less monotonous and boring though.

My other bit of advice is give up the idea of being a super mom from the beginning.  Carve out some time for yourself.  Do a regular yoga class,  a girls night out, or just make the kid’s other parent take them out of the house so you can just be alone.  Make that personal time a non-negotiable and frequent.  Nobody’s happy if Mama’s not happy.

Don’t give up hope.  If you survive until your kids is about 2 years old, it is all down hill from there.

Next is from Spacemom

Question 1: How has M dealt with the massive changes in her life with L joining the family?

1)  M is doing pretty well.  She had a rough 2-3 months at the beginning where we dealt with some behavioral deterioration, but that has pretty much passed.  While M will complain from time to time that it is “hard being a big sister” and she “has to do a lot of work as a big sister”, she really loves L. 

As L has turned more and more into a person rather than a baby, we are starting to see more typical sibling rivalry stuff.  For example, L is teething so she wants to sit on me all day.  Not so shocking, when M sees L sitting on me, she wants to sit on me too.  All damn day.   Last week, I caught M cocking back her foot as L walked past her on the couch, fully intending to kick L in the head.  Not cool.   M has also posted a sign on the playroom door that says “L___ NO!”   

All in all though, they are really good together.

Question 2: What’s the current thought on M’s school for next year?

2) M will go to the neighborhood public school for kindergarten.  I can’t see paying $12k for kindergarten so we are using it as a test run.  There are also rumors that the school board might be splitting the local elementary school and merging it with another making the other school grades K-3 and our neighborhood school 4-6. 

If the school splits, this means M will be bussed past 4 closer elementary schools (including 2 that are walkable from our house) to the other school.  This really pisses us off and we are preparing to show up at the school board “unveiling” for this plan in October.  The rest of the neighborhood is also pretty pissed.  We will be heavily involved in working to make sure it doesn’t happen.  If the school ends up splitting, private school looks a lot more appealing. 

Basically, we still don’t know but we are throwing our hats into the public school ring to see what pans out.

Question 3: With A working so late, when do you find time to slow down?

 3) Mr. A makes it home for family dinner at 6:00 about 4 nights a week.  We have decided that family dinners are a HUGE priority for us, so we are lucky he can manage that because his office is a relatively short commute from home.  I make dinner, then he takes the kids off my hands at 6:30 when we are done eating.  Mr. A manages bedtime too.  So after 6:30, I am done, except for late-night wake-ups.

If he has to work late (on average 1 out of 3 weeks), he goes back in to the office after bedtime.    It isn’t the perfect system, but it does give Mr. A a break for those long nights, which he prefers.  I will admit I guard my evening time off zealously.  Experience has shown if I don’t get some alone time, everyone ends up unhappy.  Time off on the evenings also means that I can really enjoy spending our weekends together as a family, rather than wanting to gnaw off my own foot trying to escape the shorties.  It works for us.