Ok, onward and upward with the questions.
Brittany asks:
What has surprised you about your adoption experience so far? Something you did not expect? Something you anticipated but didn’t happen?
I think the biggest surprise about adopting L is how very little adoption matters in our day to day lives. I don’t know if it is the fact that we happen to travel in circles where people aren’t suprised to see multi-racial families, my obvious cold shoulder to anyone who may have thoughts about approaching us to discuss whether L is adopted, or just dumb luck, but it is very rare that we get any comments about the fact that L is adopted and we don’t match racially. It probably happens once every two weeks or so and usually it is pretty benign. I am thankful for that.
On the flip side, I have to say that adopting L is harder in a lot of ways than I thought it would be. The transracial adoption part is so tiny in comparison to the amount of brain space used in thinking about the missing pieces to L’s story, her first family and how fucking unfair it is that there are kids without families in the world.
I recently read China Ghosts and there were a few lines that really reached out and grabbed me:
“They never tell you what it might be like to venture inside and orphanage…to confront the life that your child, the person you love most, would have been left to lead in China. To see the life that children just like her — every bit as bright and beautiful, every bit as deserving–are living now.
They don’t tell you that the children of the orphanage are all coming home with you….don’t think you’re going to walk into an overcroweded orphanage, take one child out, leave ninety-nine behind and be the same person when you sit down to breakfast the next morning. You won’t be. It’s too cruel a lottery. An your participation in it will mark you.”
This is just so true for me, but it is more than just the kids who were left behind. Visiting L’s orphanage and home town was one of the most important days of my entire life so far. At the same time, it would have been a thousand times easier to only have met her in the provincial capital and gone home with only the memories of a lovely 4 star hotel and Chinese Walmart.
Instead, I have to tend to the memories of L’s finding location, the police station, the orphanage –all of them nice enough places but parts of the pretty sad story of L’s first year on this planet. I have seen them, touched them, smelled them. I try to keep those details alive in my mind so one day I can answer the questions L might have.
There are also these moments when I am looking at L, when the life she could have lived in China flashes into my mind. I can see her barefoot and grubby near a sugar cane field. I can see her with pink cheeks running with a pack of other Chinese kids in an alley. I can see her walking holding hands with her birth sister and mother.
I think a lot about her family. I think about the other babies in the orphanage. I think about the day L was abandoned. I think about the nannies she loved and who loved her. I think about how L’s heart broke when the only people she knew and loved handed her us and walked away.
It is too much. It is too fucking unfair that a girl so little will have to carry this burden her whole life. I just love L so much, if I could carry that pain for her I would do it without complaint. I wish she didn’t have to lose so much before she became a part of our family.
I thought about all of these things before we adopted L, but after I met her it was like a sucker-punch in the gut.
That was longer than I thought and kind of a downer. I am just going to quickly answer Brittany’s other question:
I also am very curious to hear your thoughts on going from one child to two…
It is hard.
VERY hard.
Much more than twice as hard.
Be afraid.
Be very, very afraid.
I am sure one day I will be able to sit on the couch without a child touching me. Right?
I think we are finally over the hump, but the slope to “easy” seems to be a bit more gradual than I thought.
If I were a pioneer woman with 7 children, I think I might run away and join the circus.
Nice post. I kept thinking as I read it, “yep, all that.” Makes me sad, that quote from China ghosts, about being “marked” is so very, very true.
On two vs. one: I often think of our recent adoption as going from “one” to “two”, and don’t feel it’s as hard as you do. But then I realize we actually went from three, to four – but with a gap of twelve years between the two “sets” of boys. And I think back to when we actually went from one to two, and your right, that was very hard.
I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.
One to two is AWFUL. There ought to be training programs and warnings on the package!!!!
I am so with you on both accounts. Going from one to two kicked our (collective) ass! Though, it might have been easier (in a weird way) for us because our second is older, and so our first but younger son got a cool new playmate. Who happened to throw crazy tantrums with some regularity.
But, even after a few months home, and an overseas move, I do have moments when I am alone on the couch. It’s lovely.
I know what you mean. I often think “why did our daughter get picked to be adopted” and so many others didn’t? There are so many unknowns and it makes me sad for our children.
Is it too late to ask a question?
I know most of your readers seem to know a lot about international adoption esp. China. But I don’t. When you and another commenter talk about those children left behind in the orphanage, I was surprised because it seems to me like there are so many families on waiting lists for so long to adopt from China that they all (or very nearly most of them) get adopted. Are there a lot/ a majority of Chinese orphans that do live in orphanages their whole life? If so, why the long waiting lists. Or is that just a bunch of bureaucracy? One reason I ask is that when we were thinking of adoption, we knew we couldn’t adopt in China because we are disabled. And later I heard that now they don’t let single women adopt. This led me to believe that their must be way more applicants than waiting children so they are coming up with things to narrow down the prospective parents.
Also that there were not enough waiting families in China so they allowed international adoptions in order to insure that these kids did not grow up in the orphanage. So assumed that except for a discreet minority (all the severely disabled ones, of course…just like in the US) most all kids got adopted out from all those orphanages. I know this is probably a very naive question, but I was surpised that you and the other commenter seem to refer to your kids as being sort of one of the lucky few who got picked for adoption.
As a mom of 5 yo and 3 yo,
YES, there are a few days now that I can get a few moments without someone touching me…or going to the bathroom with me…
One to two is still making me reel nearly a year and a half along. But then … only two more years until preschool!
Yes. I totally get what you are saying. So many times when she giggles or we share a special moment, I think “her birth mother shouldn’t have to miss this”.
For us, though, going from 1 to 2 wasn’t too bad. (Just giving hope for those waiting for their second!). I guess ‘cuz our first is SO energetic, it is nice to have someone for him to run around with all day (besides myself).
Does that mean you went to Century Mart? I LOVED that place. I speak of Century Mart so I can pretend to ignore your warnings about going from 1 kid to 2 being hard. *fingers in ears* la la, I cannot hear you. I can only think of Century Mart.
[...] Finally, Lisa asked a long questions that I am gong to summarize you can read the original here: Why is the waiting list to adopt from China so long if there are still children left in the orphanges? Do some kids spend their entire lives in orphanages? [...]