Back in his college days, philosophy major Mr. A and his dorky friends probably had existential debates about whether or not hell actually exists.
If there is any doubt in your mind, let me assure you, hell does exist. I was there this weekend.
Hell is flying cross-country with two children.
In case you are curious about the aesthetics of Hell, it contained the following:
-Carrying on two carseats and a stupid fancy stroller with two parts (and inevitably one small piece ended up getting lost which will probably cost me $75 to replace) onto an airline with no assigned seats and no beverage service. (OK, we could have paid for drinks but I am a cheap ass motherfucker who is morally opposed to paying $2 for a coke…also, I was actually quite pleased with the airline considering our total cost for three tickets & one lap ticket was only $241 total.)
-Renting a car from a stupid (but cheap) rental car company that required TWO fucking shuttle busses from the airport while carrying two children, two carseats, two suitcases, a two piece stroller and THREE carry-on bags.
-Forgetting to book a hotel room until four days before the trip to one of the most popular travel destinations in the country. All I can say is the hotel I finally found is that at least it was CLEAN, though not at all stylish. I will overlook the gay pickup scene that appeared to be hopping in the smoking-wings-room’s doorways.
-My personal favorite feature of hell was two children who absolutely refused to adjust their bodies to the three hour time difference. We woke up every morning at 3:30. You know what is going on in San Francisco at 3:30 in the morning? The gay pickup scene. Nothing more. We had to wait 3.5 hours before we could even get in the crappy (but also delicious) take-out dimsum restaurants in our old neighborhood.
-You know what else is fun? Putting the kids to bed at 5:30pm and then being trapped in a crappy hotel room with NO INTERNET ACCESS.
-When I finally escaped the children for an hour on Sunday to go check my email, I walked down five blocks of very steep hills to a starbucks, only to find out that (contrary to Mr. A’s insistance) the problem was not the hotel’s internet service. It was his laptop that was broken. After I trudged back up the five blocks of hills lugging 25 lbs of laptop, I was ready to whack him in the head with it.
-Mr.A’s trip highlights included finding heroin paraphernalia in a very nice playground’s bathroom. Also he got to witness two individuals arguing rather heatedly about who the crack rocks dropped on the sidewalk actually belonged too. To his great dismay, the crack fight forced him to abandon his late-night burrito run. (Personally, I don’t know why he was surprised, because the crack argument took place less than a block from the bus stop where he called me and requested a ride so he didn’t have to witness a crack-buying blow-job. This was back when we A)lived in san francisco and B) took the bus. It also contributed to the fact that we now neither A nor B.)
-The flight home was truly nightmarish as well. I took all the children, carry-ons and luggage while Mr. A had to return the rental car and take the TWO(!) shuttles back to the airport, we made it through the guantlet of baggage check and the metal detectors (this time only with one stroller, one carseat and two children). Just as I thought I was home free on the other side, Mr. A called and said there was a “security situation” and everyone trying to enter the airport was being sent by armed police to a remote parking lot until the situation was secured. I also realized at that point that Mr. A had M’s portable DVD player in his carryon. The prospect of flying ahead on my own with both girls (and no TV) almost made me cry. Thankfully, Mr. A arrived at the gate at the very last possible moment. L, extremely overtired and overstimulated screamed and thrashed for only two hours before she finally fell asleep.
One of the worst side-effects of this trip is that we already booked a trip to San Deigo in the spring. Now we know exactly how miserable the traveling is going to be. We are scared. Very scared. At least in San Francsico we knew where take the kids to eat, exercise, and play. Another trip like this may actually KILL us.
The real upside of this all was that we went to SF for one of my very, very good friend’s wedding. It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended. (Taking two kids was nightmarish, but that couldn’t be helped because we can’t leave L with my parents overnight yet.) I was so happy for my friend, I cried more at his wedding than I did at my own. We also had one day to visit several friends who had not yet met L. Fortunately, they were willing to hang out with us at 8:00a.m.
As if that wasn’t enough stimulation for one week, M leaves for Disneyworld with my parents on Wednesday.
Well, at least your parents will have to take the next flight through hell, though, right?
Congratulations on surviving. I love weddings.
Wow, hell sounds as bad as I’ve imagined.
We are taking our kiddo to Disneyworld next month. Hopefully it goes better than our last hotel stay which left us driving home since our kiddo could not settle down to sleep.
San Diego: Balboa park and the beach with the sea lions.
Yeah, but did you at least get an order of your favorite Vietnamese sandwich?
Why don’t you drug the kids before getting on the plane?
I’m assuming I know who got married. Was he a nervous mess?
yikes!
I’ve travelled many a times and it was never that bad! yikes!
No candy? Lollipops are a lifesaver for us. Rules about sugar go out the window when it comes to air travel.
Eeesh! Hopefully, things will be better by then. I’ll be at Disneyworld this weekend as well! Glad you all got home safe and sound.
a few tips I have gathered from doing much the same you did:
- I have the same stroller. I got a giant plastic bag from the airline and I keep it in the bouch underneat. when I get to the gate, I put both pieces in the bag and closed it shut with a piece of ducktape (that I keep on the bag). Voila! No missing pieces and if you have to move out the way at unloading, you can just drag the bag into the airport.
- Video Ipod. I know it’s expensive, but it’s always in my purse. That way, the kiddo and the ipod are never seperated. As a matter of fact, we we travel, she wears it around her neck on a ribbon, in a Tadpole (a cool ipod holder with handles for kids)
- ditch the car seats. Seriously. They do nothing for you on the plane and you can rent them from the car-rental company. I know it adds to the price of the rental, but not schlepping 2 freaking car seats makes it very much worth it. If you really want to bring them, check them. Getting rid of them as soon as you check in saves you all the dragging around.
From the triangulation I actually could figure out between Starbuck, drug stuff, crack addicts and gay pick up scene I actually know which hotel you stayed in… you poor darling!
Next time try fly without the car seat: Airlines don’t really require them and you can rent them for a little extra at the car rental agencies… or get a back board from Costco!
I’m going to third the notion to ditch the carseats. While the rent-a-car carseats may be not quite up to snuff (no Britaxes!), it’s a helluva lot better than schlepping TWO carseats. I thought it was bad enough doing one!
Glad the wedding was beautiful!
I agree with MM, ditch the carseats, most of the rental cars either have them built into the seats or you can rent them. I think the San Diego trip will go better, afterall it is in six months. Too bad you couldn’t have come down to Carmel for the weekend. We’ve got great shops!!
Thank you for that post. It brought back all the numerous, hellish reasons that I don’t want to go to California for Christmas although my daydreams had been heading in that direction. (Insert horrific, heart-stopping scene of trying to catch a red-eye flight home from SFO, while pregnant, with a preschooler, without husband, right after Thanksgiving, and unknowingly dropping your wallet (ID!) into the dark recesses of the airport shuttle.)
I’m sorry your trip wasn’t more joyful.
oh crap- I just booked tix for me and my 3 kids (all 6 and under…..1 newly home) from florida to Vegas to see my husband’s graduation………I’m fearing this may have been a big mistake. how much was the wine on the flight?……
Meg
Personally, I think San Francisco has become a hell-hole, even without schlepping children around.
I know you were uber-busy, but I am so sorry we didn’t get to see the four of you. This post just makes me super-excited about our cross-country trip to Florida for Thanksgiving–Mmmm, schlepping!
It’s the lack of internet that would have killed me, but not before I killed my husband for breaking the computer.
It does sound hellish. But if hell is San Francisco, please, please may I make at least a couple more trips there in my lifetime. I love that city. I love your blog.
Now that feeling of dread from the last post makes sense.
I am actually thinking at 6 and 3, we may be moving up to mediocre travel with the kids as opposed to the hell that last time we did SF (ages 4 and 18 months). And mediocre SF will make me happy.
Sounds like a good learning experience
I have the same stroller and lost the u-shaped bar. I called the company and they gave me the name of a replacement part retailer. It only cost $23 to replace with free shipping.
holy.crap.
note to self: do not fly with small children.
thanks amber!