This is Hard
When we met L, I was pretty sure that her behavior indicated she was at high-risk for attachment issues*. Her initial anxious attachment to me and rejection of Mr. A seemed like trauma response from being yanked away from her only home and people who had cared for her for so long. I also suspect she was anxiously attached to someone or several people before we met her. (You can read a little description of her attachment difficulties once we got home here).
I was really glad we had done so much research on attachment, because when we saw L’s problems we knew we had to dig in and work really hard to make her feel secure with us. Looking at my archives, it apparently took a good bit more than three months for L to really relax and start attaching to Mr. A, but she finally did. Eventually, her slight mama preference seemed totally on par with other babies her age. She seems to really love Mr. A and is thrilled when he comes home each night.
I knew about the wedding in San Francisco before we got our referral for L. It was the wedding of one of my very closest friends and I felt like I shouldn’t miss it if there was any way we could attend. We discussed the possibilty of me attending alone, but I was afraid it would be too upsetting for L if I left her with Mr. A for even a couple days. We decided that if all of us attended together, at least L could have the continuity of the family unit, if not our house and routine.
While we were in SF, L did pretty well. We tried to keep attachment stuff in mind. We carried her a lot, she slept with me, we were all together pretty much constantly. She seemed a little discombobulated, but not clingy or upset. I thought maybe these were good signs.
It wasn’t until we got home that L really started to regress. Yesterday Mr. A took an extra day off work, so we spent most of the day together and tried to get back into our routine. About half way through the day, L decided she didn’t want anything to do with Mr. A, especially if I was in sight. This was very reminicent of her rejection of Mr. A when we first came home. It continued again today when she screamed if he tried to pick her up or interact with her.
To rub salt in her wounds, M left today for DisneyHell. When afternoon rolled around and we didn’t pick M up from school, L would occasionally say her name with a questioning face. She also repeatedly looked at her picture, pointed and said her name some more.
I know L is wondering where the heck M is, now that she is home and things are supposed to be normal again. It about broke my heart. In retrospect, it was stupid not to consider L’s feelings when my parents planned this trip on the heels of our SF trip.
We knew that when L started attaching to us that there would be setbacks. We knew there was no magic cure. We knew we would make mistakes. We knew that we would be doing attachment work for a long, long time. As long as it takes, really.
But I just want to say that it is hard.
It is hard to know that L is hurting and scared. It is hard to know that the best we know how to do is sometimes not enough to make her feel safe. It is hard to know that I made choices that hurt my baby…my baby who has already carried more hurt in her heart than any child should.
We will get up tomorrow and go back to working at making sure L knows that she is safe and loved. But just for tonight, I am going to let myself feel sad.
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*As an aside, I tend to believe that most children who are institutionalized for a year are at a pretty high risk for attachment issues anyway.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:54 am
This sounds very hard and painful indeed. Wishing you an easier road ahead!
October 11th, 2007 at 4:35 am
I’ve been following your blog for awhile, and this is the first time I’ve commented. I just want you to know that I think you’re an amazing mother. I know that doesn’t make you feel less sad, and it certainly doesn’t take L’s pain away. I just wanted you to know. I’m learning a lot from you, and I am grateful.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Thank you for sharing this! When (IF???) we get our daughter I’ll know some of the signs to look for in bonding and attachment. All the books I read are great but hearing first had experience is even better.
~Carla
October 11th, 2007 at 11:57 am
I remember these days well!! You WILL get through this - keep up the consistency. You may be pleasantly surprised by your SD trip in the spring - after many short horrendous trips in the beginning, our daughter’s sleeping issues started to resolve after a week long family trip 1 year after her adoption.
October 11th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
I tend to think attachment issues will crop up at each transition. Jayden just started nursery school and her concern, pretty clearly, is that I will forget her. She asks “will you pick me up” constantly and says “when I’m at school and the boys you have no children.” I keep telling her, “even when you are at school and are not with me, you are my daughter and I am loving you and thinking about you.” I have to say that A LOT. Every school day we have this conversation.
DS-L
October 11th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
It is hard and it can see to go away for a while and then flare up with a vengeance, totally outside of their control.
October 11th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Thank you for the reminder not to get too complacent. It’s easy to think you’re doing okay when you’re following your routines and get a little cocky. It’s good for me to be reminded that we’re going to hit bumps, too.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Hey A~Sorry for the sadness, but just remember everything you just wrote-it will be hard, you will sometimes make mistakes, and sometimes what looks like a mistake isn’t in the long run-and, even without the attachment stuff, all of the above is true of parenting in general.
As I mentioned a few days ago, I am grateful that people have started sharing these concerns, and lucky enough to have a sw who is an attachment therapist-I’m working on a post about this, because I think the more people share, the more others are encouraged to share, and thus we learn from each other.
Interestingly, these anxious attachment issues have been discussed on the singles list for years-maybe because it is a smaller list? But I think many single parents have thought until recently that it was more about the lack of a 2nd parent than about the orphanage-until Heidi published her article anyway.
Take it slow, and keep doing what you know~lmc
October 11th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
on tuesday, there was a meeting a school that required both parent’s attendance, so my parents came over to babysit. They tried to put BB to bed but she was having none of it, eventually falling asleep on the floor. The only person other than us who can put her to bed it the summer babysitter, because she used to put her down for naps. Anyhow, since the meeting, BB has been glued to my leg. Won’t let go. Had to come to work with me today. So any change in routine can make even the most well-adjusted looking kid totally uncertain. I know it’s hard. Just remember, we are all here!
October 11th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
What a timely post for me to read. It is hard. My son has been home for over 2 years (he came home from Guatemala at 6 months old). Yesterday, we made the decision to start with an attachment therapist. While he has come SO far in the last two years with hard work, there are a few things that aren’t getting better and have in fact regressed. It breaks my heart and makes me sick to think of him hurting. I keep rethinking all the things that maybe I should have done differently or better.
I just wanted to say that I share your pain.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Delurking to say I’m sorry it’s so hard and that I’m thinking of you and L.
October 11th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
We know this reaction well. We have been enduring it now for several months, especially after get-togethers or big events. We’ve also called in for help from many professionals to try to alleviate our daughter’s anxiety attachment. I knew what the problems were before talking with the pros, but it was reassuring to have the confirmation and support and gave us more tools to work with. But at the same time, it is really heartbreaking to know that my girl still isn’t comfortable in her own skin and can’t relax and release the fear. I wish I had a magic formula to allow her to let go and enjoy the love and attention we give her as a family.
-violet
October 12th, 2007 at 1:06 am
I think this could be a good thing for her… she will learn that when family members go away, it doesn’t mean they won’t come back! M will come back, and everyone will be happy and celebrate, and L will see that sometimes when someone leaves, its for a NICE reason and not because they’re leaving you forever!
May 28th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
[...] If I were reading this description on someone else’s blog, I would be thinking “attachment issues! attachment issues!” I think that is probaby a fair assumption. We have been dealing with L’s attachment and trauma issues since she first came into our family. This isn’t even the first time that a change in the family routine or someone traveling led to acting out. It just caught me off guard because L seems so much like a “normal” kid (i.e. kid who hasn’t been traumatized) so much of the time, I forget that sometimes she will react more intensely. [...]