One side effect of stepping out of the workforce and into full-time childcaring is the lack of a any kind of promotion or goal to progress toward. There is no next job to move up to, no new coworkers or workplace, no improved parking space or even a better desk.
This is not a post about finding a job, because I didn’t like working much when I was working anyway, but I think I need some kind of goal or something to work toward.
The only goal I can see in this particular parenting gig seems to be surviving to the point when both girls are successfully and happily enrolled in school. You know, so I can have some time to my god damn self. But achieving alone time and a bare minimum of sanity hardly seems like much of a goal. Besides, alone time isn’t going to solve this malaise.
Lately, I have been thinking about it and it bums me out. I look around and I think, “Seriously? This is my life? This is all there is going to be? God. How. Fucking. Boring.”
I am only 31 years old. Am I really a suburban mom? Am I really a housewife? How the hell did that happen?
Is my whole life going to revolve around piano lessons, soccer and carpooling for the next 17 years? I actually think I may die from the boredom and repetition of it all.
I am feeling stifled. Bored. Uninteresting.
What happened to the girl who picked up and traveled to Cambodia with a boy she didn’t know very well? What happened to the girl who wanted to join the Peace Corps? What happened to the girl who moved to the west coast on a whim with no job, no cash and no idea what the future held (but thrilled at the great unknown!)?
She is being held hostage by the American Dream. That is what happened to her.
When your girls are grown and married you can go to a meeting about the Peace Corps and make plans for your retirement like me. That is what I did tonight. There was a larger crowd there than I expected and most of them were my age. There is life after children, at least I hope so. LOL
I hope it doesn’t piss you off when I say the grass is always greener. I mean I’m pretty envious these days of women who started families 10 years before I did. Granted I personally was not in any mental space where raising kids was an option in my late 20s and early 30s. On the other hand, I think for me keeping one foot in the working world, even if my working world is my Blackberry and laptop while driving my kid to and from nursery school, has helped make life in the suburbs more enjoyable than I thought possible. You are multi talented and I’m confident you can figure out a way to do something part time so that there will be even less of you to go around BUT you won’t mind because you’re doing it for yourself. If that makes sense. I hope that makes sense. I think you will find the right balance.
it’s a cushy jail, but it’s jail none-the-less, right? I’m lucky to get to work AND to the mom thing, but some days, I swear, work is my salvation. I cannot get there fast enough.
If it’s a consolation, I’m still pretty impressed by the girl who traveled to Cambodia.
I’m just looking for enough free time to knit again… I’m reading other moms on the internet who appear to be doing actual leisure-time activities once in a while (and even blogging about it!) and I keep thinking that if they have time to do those things, I’m sure that someday I will too. And hello, aren’t you going to be a writer when the girls grow up? I thought I read that in the game plan somewhere. Maybe I’m making that up.
I totally get and respect what you are saying and I feel it, too, sometimes. So don’t take offense to this. But when I read this I thought, “that’s nondisabled privilege for ya.” It is probably something like when people who’ve experienced IF hear others complaining about their kids. Its not that the complaints aren’t valid, but you always have this feeling of incredible gratitude that you have children and so it is hard to hear them. This boring, ordinary life in the suburbs stay at home mom thing was something I never knew if I could have (such that mine is in a pieced together sort of way). I feel like I scratched and clawed to get here, amid everyone telling me it couldn’t and shouldn’t be done. I’m thankful every. single. day for my boring old suburban stay at home mom life.
But that doesn’t mean that’s all there is. M is 4 and L is, what? 2? You’ve only got three or so more years of baby jail and then you’ll be back to doing some kind of adventure. You and A seem very motivated and capable of getting the most out of life. As the old saying goes, you can have everything, just not at the same time. Sorry to be sickningly patronizing, but enjoy this while you’ve got it.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, because I’ve been there myself. You’re in the very worst part of it, imho. Parenting littles is the most demanding and most rewarding but least exciting part of being a mom.
Like you, by the time I was 31 I was a total suburban mom. Like you, I kept looking around and wondering, “Is this all there is?” Turns out, it wasn’t. When I was 40 I started a career that I love. And it’s in film, of all things. Definitely not what I thought would happen, back in the days of baby jail.
Hi Amber,
I’m with Figlet about the opportunity to parent earlier. I wish I had had it. However, I married an awful man at 24 and divorced him 11 years later. I was telling my brother last night that winning the lottery wouldn’t solve my problems, I needed a magical wish!
No offense, but you’re “only” 31 with many many years of productivity ahead of you. The great thing about being in your position is that you can begin to strategically plan what you’re going to do with both girls in school.
Would it help to take a course or try to do something free lance from home? If you can figure out what you want to do in 10 years, you can begin to make baby steps on how to get there now. Taking steps now will make you feel so much better. And the old adage, if Momma ain’t happy, nobody is…is SO true!
I’m in a job search now and am staying home not-by-choice. Some days I love it, but I still feel my brain is rotting away. And financially it’s challenging because I have been the major breadwinner for most of my marriage. The main thing is my daughter is happier for me being home now…so I am trying to look at this period as a time for her and I. It helps.
No, that’s not all there is. There’s more. When both the kids are in school–which will be only a few more years–you will suddenly find time during the day to do the things *you* want to do. (Of course, suddenly your late afternoons and early evenings will be full to the brim with extracurricular activities and homework…) Right now is the time to start thinking about what you want to do. Also, you might consider telling Mr. A that you want a week to Do Something away from home. He’s a big boy, he can handle it. Apply for a weeklong fellowship in sustainable living, or writing, or marine reporting, or something. (I don’t know what you’d be interested in–foreign policy? volunteerism? gl0bal warm1ng? philosophy? dance? education? physics?)
Baby jail is hard, hard, hard. It really is. But it will be over with soon.
I thought I would be thrilled to be a stay at home mom. Turns out I’d really like to be something else besides ‘mom’ every once in a while. I’m trying a couple different things and I’m not sure what will work out, but I don’t want to be that american dream girl either. Not right now, anyway!
I’m with Figlet, in that I wish I had started earlier-I got a lot done in my first 20 years of adulthood-but when I think of how little time will be left when I am done with daily parenting-it makes me regretful. You really need to pursue that half time position-it does help-my sister runs a successful personal chef business out of her home, and it really keeps her balanced.
And, hey, there are alternative parenting lifestyles-you don’t have to do the “soccer thing” if it’s not comfortable. ~lmc
I hear you… I am a terrible SAHM/housewife which is why I keep my part time non-dream job. At least I have an excuse to have a messy house “hey I worked overnight last night!” Though the second these two are in school full time I am plotting to get my PHD in something totally useless.
So change your American Dream.
Yup, I hear you.
Staying home with two little ones all day long can definitely turn your mind into mush. I wanted so badly to be a mother a second time. I knew J (8) was an easy going toddler, but I didn’t know how good I had it until we had B who is very high maintenance. Complete night and day difference b/t the two. I’m learning daily to try to appreciate every day I have intead of wishing for the future to come.
I think one way I’m learning to appreciate it is to not have 100% of just one thing (SAH all day). Yes, I work from home at night but I still hear dd so I’m not truly getting a mental break away from her that I need to keep my sanity. What i’ve done is enrolled back into the university (just one class this semester) so I can finish my degree and by the time B is in school i will already be working on my masters.
This will also give B the opportunity to be in a local mother’s day out program and socialize, which I know will help because she won’t be around me all day long either.
This has gotten drawn out here, but in my life I’m finding that if I try to balance a few things instead of just being a SAHM, then I will be able to appreciate the times I have of solely being a mom. Appreciation is a constant work in progress.
Is there any way you could get a small, part time job or volunteer somewhere?
I’m with Dawn. I think your American Dream will and should look different from the norm. You will raise your girls to be outspoken, well-traveled, confident and probably more than a little smart-assed (hopefully mostly to authority figures other than you and Mr. A). This will ideally mean that your days will eventually consist of more interesting things than carpooling to school and soccer practice.
It’s that “eventually” that always bites you in the butt. I have these same thoughts all the time. My life is good, I finally have the child I longed for, and we’re relatively financially secure. So why am I not more excited about things in general?
I don’t know the answer yet either, so I suppose I should just end my comment here!
Except that I’m also in agreement with Figlet and others about the age thing (i.e. I am a little jealous). By the time Elllie is 18, I will be in my late 50s and longing to retire…
I feel this post in my bones. Heh. I like reading the comments, it gives me some hope and motivation.
I’ll I gotta say is….. ditto. I feel exactly the same way right now. Hopefully the therapy I am dropping the bucks on weekly will help me find some insight.
Hmmmm…..baby/kid jail. Simply put….it sucks some days. Your post could have been written by me. Now, with all of that said, it does get better. We have a 9 and 7 1/2 y/o. We came out of jail several (maybe 3 or 4) years ago and we had it good. It was at this point that we forgot about baby jail, and we added our cutie from Jiangxi Province, PRC. Being back here again stinks, but it’s easier to get through this time because I have come out of it before. I remember how good it was to be free and she will grow up. I am glad I only have one wee one this time. Having two really small ones about took my life.
We do the soccer, tennis, ballet thing. I never thought we would. Others told us we would change our minds and they were right. There’s nothing like watching your kid work on his guitar for weeks straight and finally GET IT! Pretty cool stuff.
Hang in there ~ and don’t get a job!
Traci
There is more. I promise. The goal is to find it.
I am 36, still young. I have a 5 and 3 year old. I may not be going out to dinner on the drop of a hat anymore, but I can still find me. I am learning new skills. When the girls are both in school, I plan to take more painting classes.
You want to travel again? It will happen! As the kids get older, you can travel still!
You want a free night? Arrange a set date, every week for Amber. Just for Amber. You can do whatever you want even if that includes locking A out of the bedroom until the kids are asleep while you watch TIVO…
I know! Baby jail SUCKS. I am seeing all sorts of freedom now that L is older. Next summer we are going to FRANCE! WIth a 6 and 4 year old! WOW! It only took 6 years, but we’re going back to EUROPE! Weee!
Sending you some sunny thoughts. It sounds like SAD is moving in and turning your American Dream into a nightmare.
This is intended for your private consumption. You probably won’t want it on your blog.
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You are going to see this as a personal attack, but it isn’t. You put it on your blog for all to see, so it is an assumption that you would consider any feedback you generate. This is honestly what I thought and I am giving you a few minutes of my time: The gal who went to Cambodia (etc) was hungry and had the drive to prove herself, to find an identity, to feel the world. This is my take as a long time, yet sporadic, reader.
I, too, have wonder this about women. I am one and I, too, for my own reasons stepped out of the regular world for a while, so bear with me. This is a meditation on women. I know only what you write. If this doesn’t ring true, the reader has been misled. I am not an e-buddy, so I feel no need to sugarcoat, but I assure you that I mean no harm. You asked, perhaps rhetorically, what happened to you and here is what can to my mind.
You had a child, then you got married and had another one. You’re husband, from what you’ve written, is well paid and ambitious. This allows you to stay home, as well as adopt from China. You did many of the risk taking adventures when you were single. Yes, you were in a relationship (or a budding one) during some of it, but you were still single. Being single means one can take more risks. You are married now and have your husband ‘s security. You are no longer hungry for risk type success in your own right. Yet, at the same time the inward identity may be hungry for the time when you could be more of a risk taker and single. This is not about your children or your husband, but about you. Somehow the outward contentment is providing to be an outward shell of security, yet the inward contentment –the past risk taker–is starving for attention that the outward security cannot provide. In other words, outwardly you may have contentment through physical, economical objects, but what really counts, the individual contentment (the old self) is starving.
To me, it isn’t an issue of achieving the American Dream; it is more an issue of inward contentment. Ask around. The American Dream is being successful in your own right, not as a family unit. Americans are more in tune to the individual versus the collective success. To me, you are looking for something that will fulfill you outside of your family. It is not an issue of employment –but for many it has to be, because they have to work– but of personal contentment with your skills, gifts and fulfillment. Find something that makes your soul burn with desire and fulfillment – whatever that means to you.
I wish I could write more, but time is wasting. (I have my own goals for today to achieve.) What you’ve address has wracked my brain countless times. I have written a manuscript that deals with this, but often I had wondered if there would be an audience for it. Yet, reading this, I may decide to e-publish it.
Take care. Take some time each day (whether it be just 5-10 minutes) and write down how you feel, what you want, what you want to accomplish, what digs at you, whatever. Do not publish it on your blog. This is for you, not the audience. You know you restrict what you put out for public consumption. Don’t edit yourself in your evaluation. You would only be cheating yourself.
JS
I had to think about this a while before commenting because it resonated with so many aspects of my own experience, I didn’t know where to start.
You know, it’s just a huge adjustment being at home all day, whether one has children or not to justify it. I had a hard time feeling good about being home so much for lack of work a few years back…. I eventually came to a better acceptance of my situation and figured out how to both embrace its positives and negatives, and to find other meaning outside of whether or not I worked or how much money I was (not) earning.
Not to say you need a job, either. Just that it’s a real emotional/psychological adjustment, being home, being so depended on. I’m sure you will eventually figure out ways to nurture yourself (and sense of self, sense of accomplishment, all that) within the circumstances. It took me several years, however, and was relatively agonizing. *wink*
To echo some other comments, you are also young enough that you will get more “play time” as your children get a little older. I guess (I hope) I had my play time earlier because by the time I *get* my children and raise them to college age, it’ll be time for me to retire… which still may allow time to play, but it’s not the same as being free and unfettered to take off and do wild and crazy (fabulous) things/adventures.
On the other hand, I know plenty of friends in their 50s and 60s who are having great adventures. One woman is planning to semi-retire to Thailand to teach English, travel and take photographs. Another friend, also in her 50s, has been selling everything so she can travel around the country for a year. Her kids are old enough (mid 20s) that they don’t need her for a while, and her remaining elderly relatives are young and healthy enough that they wouldn’t need her for a while… so she’s going for it in the window of opportunity she has. I think that’s cool, and it gives me hope that “play time” will come around again… Did I mention some of the retiree friends who are now looking at PeaceCorp? So it can be annoying to have friends old enough to call me “just a baby” (yeah, fun.
), but encouraging to have role models for what is possible.
Ha! I just wrote about the same thing. The glorious highs and the low low lows of being a stay at homer…what a ride.
Hey,
what you describe always kept me from being a full-time mom… I made it in between other things a few month as a full-time, but then I always slit back into another job. And I need a job to stay sane.
Thinking about what I know of you background, you probably would be able to find a part-time/volunteer. But there is one problem with that… it sucks to work for free! I mean we train for our jobs, amass all these skills and then we are supposed to work for free?? I guess that’s why all “professional” moms that hang around the schools all the time are so frustrated!
Anyway, what I want to say, is that I totally understand you…but there are alternatives out there, even if it might take you some time to work it out (took me about 5 years!)
[...] Despite the general contentment, something has still been missing. I have made no secret about my need for something interesting to look forward too. I had a some potentially exciting prospects: Earlier in the year, there was a teeny, tiny chance that we could get sent to China for Mr. A’s job which led to a flurry of hoping and research. Then, when that fell through, Mr. A and I decided that we wanted to go take a year off and live in China anyway** which led to a lot of excitement and planning. At best these plans were an attempt to distract us from our fears and to buy us some space to figure out what we really want to do. [...]