privilege-and-no-protestant-work-ethic-in-the-house
I am the first to admit that I am feeling super-crabby today, but the comments are really weird to me. Seriously, you all believe in the protestant work ethic to this degree? You really think a JOB is going to make my life more interesting?
I know the post was kind of vague (more elaboration later if I get the chance), but when I said I don’t particularly like working, I really meant it.
Working is good for paying the bills and all, but I don’t think it is going to give my life meaning or make it more interesting. It is just swapping one kind of boring monotony for another.
The idea that work will give my life meaning is just so…American. My mantra when I was working was “My job is not my life!” And lest you think it was because I didn’t like the organization or the kind of work I was doing, you would be wrong. I couldn’t imagine working for a cause I believed in more.
Well, maybe that isn’t entirely true. I suppose I beleive it is more important to be with the kiddos right now, or I would have that old job or one similar to it.
The problem with this parenting job is that my job has become my life.
And so what if the job I am doing right now is someone else’s dream? It isn’t MY dream. It is a job. It is WORK. I am doing it because it is the best choice for my kids and our family, but the doesn’t make my life more INTERESTING.
I can’t see how another job would make my life interesting either. If I don’t really have to work for the income, it seems silly to spend my days chained to a desk making money for someone else’s company or organization.
Yes, it is true, here I sit pickled in privilege. Woe is me.
I am running out the door to snag M from school, so I will have to post more later.
i don’t like working (for someone else), either. there’s nothing i’d rather be doing than staying home with my boys. i personally don’t find it boring at all (maddening at times, but never boring!).
but i do cultivate my other interests…photography, knitting – they are the things i do for ME.
maybe you just need a hobby.
i myself have been going through a similar thing (minus the kids). i am stifled and bored and wondering when i can move/ travel/ be free from the chains of american life/ etc. this year i decided to join roller derby and i love it. sure- i hate exercize, am shy and have no athletic ability. whatever- i just went and did it. i drag myself to every practice i can (when i’d rather stay home) and i end up leaving so elated. it feeds my need to stay healthy and socialize, my need to dress wild and my need to swear/hit/yell that is buried deep inside me. my partner, on the other hand, decided grad school was her route and is currently enrolled in an MLA program. she hates the school, but it will get her to a place to do something she loves and is interested in (library/ archives). i hope you find your thing soon!
I just wanted to say terrific post. I feel your frustration. I live your frustration. And I am letting my mind wrap around the statements “My job is not my life” that you said when you were working (and I remember your countdown to the end of your last job–I believe you) and that parenting is your job and your life. I have the ruge to say ditto…I am in the angsting work-life period. My two are a bit older (and #3 is stubbornly not conceiving) and so I am looking at going back to work. And in that American way I have been thinking it would be the answer. Ignoring the ample evidence of how much office politics will annoy me. And how much going to the office will be a drag. I will be thinking about this I’m sure.
Two to three times a week I hear the question, “Do you miss your job?” I just look at people like their high. I can not figure out why anyone would like to work. Now, do I miss my patients or being a face that can make a difference for a patient or a family member spending a tough day at the hospital with a loved one? You bet, but the JOB?! No way.
Dragging my butt out of bed at 5:15 AM to go and meet state requirements, carry patient loads that are too large, or rush through my job to meet some stupid productivity that has NOTHING to do with actually providing TLC to patients? No way.
I love being a nurse, but I love caring for my family more. Even if this job is 24/7. Baby jail will end. Like you, I don’t see how adding a second job on top of an already difficult one will help.
Hang on to the knot and, occasionally, swing out the window for a drink with a friend. Or, at least that’s my game plan.
Traci
Are you really wanting to quote the sign over the entrance gates at Auschwitz in this context? Because … well. Uh.
I haven’t read the comments yet, so maybe there’s something I’m missing in terms of their offensiveness?
I think you’re absolutely right to point out that the job aspects of at-home caregiving can stifle all sorts of things. Good luck figuring out how to break out of the rut, or finding a soul-satisfying outlet in other areas.
Ok, so Jody is probably right. I switched the title to english now. I suppose even with raging PMS, the German version was probably not really necessary.
I didn’t think the comments were offensive. I just think it is interesting that even though I said I don’t like to work, the solution that was offered so many times was to find a job.
Thanks for changing the title. It was um, a bit…um, sureal…
My mental response to your previous post was A-freaking-men.
Everybody needs something just for themselves, but it’s really hard with a little one or two.
for the other commenters: there’s a book called ‘fire your boss’ and another whose title i can’t remember right now, but the gist of these are that work is for earning an income and that you should get your main needs (those meaning-of-life things) fullfilled elsewhere. (this is not really the way most americans think). as someone who has been ‘wedded to the job’ before, i think this approach can be a good thing for some people, if they can do it.
for amfam: personally, i think you’d do well to get a bit of time to yourself (perhaps hire a sitter an afternoon a week?) and just relax or do something you like to do or meet up with a friend.
Piffle on those holier-than-thou commenters. It’s not about a job or laziness, that is such a limited perspective. Get a little more creative with your self-righteousness, people.
I had a teacher in high school who ran the gifted program (it was kind of lame, I lived in a small town) who said something that I still think about a lot. “Boring people are bored and interesting people are interested.” I took it to mean that we each own the responsibility to make our lives what we want them to be, no one else can do it for us. We were all very bored and Bershon in this gifted program, I don’t know how she could stand us.
Anyway, it sounds like you have lots of options which can be half the battle. If I were to offer unsolicited advice it would be to consider working with a life coach and figure out what you want to do when you grow up. Maybe it’s a job, but it might be something very different.
Oh my god, these last two posts, it’s like you read my mind. I’m blaming November and the time change, because I just posted something exactly like this, and I’ve been reading it from moms all over. It’s a boring time of year or something.
But yeah, I look around and think “is this it?” all the time lately.
I’ve got no solutions though, so I’d be interested in yours. Maybe I should write a book. That’s all I’ve got.
I think life is a constant struggle against monotony. I always have to keep trying new things (mostly hobbies or activities) to keep things interesting. I’m my case, I actually really like my job, and don’t believe entirely in what I’m doing, which is kind of the opposite of how you felt about your job. I just really enjoy what I actually do all day (which is write and manage a breaking news web site, so kind of like blogging) and I really like most of my coworkers, so it’s a good social interaction too.
But in my personal time, I try to keep busy with things that are going to make me feel good — working out, reading books or blogs, watching movies, crocheting, even cleaning or organizing, whatever it may be, just little projects that I enjoy or that will better my life. I know that with two small children you have very little “you time” but maybe there is a project/hobby you could do while they are around or with them? Maybe some longterm thing that you could work on each day to feel like you’re progressing towards something?
Also, I really really try not to think about the “big picture” and instead just focus on each day, which helps.
Also, one more thing is that there are a ton of online courses you can take these days — I’m taking one on stocks and bonds (b/c I was a liberal arts major in college and literally know nothing about finance) through the local community college. It’s great b/c it’s online so you can work at your own pace. Taking a course might be fun or interesting.
You didn’t ask me but when did I ever let that stop me? My take on this is that you’re in a transition period where you’re figuring out who you’re gonna be. You’re married to a hot-shot lawyer and so you mingle in the world of hot-shot lawyerhood where people want XYZ and you’re also a feminist chick with roots in counter-culture and so you haven’t exactly embraced the values of hot-shot lawyerhood. So now you’ve got to figure out how to live this life on YOUR terms. How to give your kids the life you want them to have without going crazy, how to support your husband’s career without going crazy, etc. There are very specific models for how to do these things but these models aren’t quite working so now you’re chafing under them as you figure it out.
I don’t know if a job would be the answer but it might be (if it were the right job) then again it might be a hobby. As goal-oriented/project-oriented as you are, I’d say probably you need to be able to get yourself some projects that can keep you going. I have no idea what those might be but you’ll figure it out. But until you do, you’ll probably just feel out of sorts. And frankly, when your kids are this small you may not have the time/energy to go looking so you might have to be grouchy for a little while. But as hard-headed as you are, I think you’ll get to where you need to be. (I mean that as a compliment.)
Amfam, even in English, the title is pretty creepy.
well-my job has never been my life, but I do like it-I like the challenge and I like connecting with the passionate energy and ideas of others-it doesn’t define me, and I definitely don’t think it makes me a better person in some way-but if I didn’t need a paycheck, I would be doing the same work, just as a volunteer and for less hours-so that I could spend more time with my daughter, my beau and myself.
Sorry that I misunderstood your comments-for myself, I have missed challenging work when I take time off. And yes, I can create my own challenges, but it’s not the same as being part of an organization with everyone working toward similar goals. I love that energy-but I don’t work more than 40 hours/week, because I have a life too. This has created conflicts with employers who do believe in the protestant work ethic, but I’m always firm about it. ~lmc
I have to agree with c – even in English, the title is tough – but it’s your blog. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, and isn’t it always about one person’s pain being compared to another – but I would love the opportunity to have your particular dilemma. Being the primary income/benefits person in my household has a bit of a “stuck” quality to it as well. It’s a lot of pressure to have on the shoulders; pressure that you can’t quite appreciate unless you’re been in those shoes. It’s funny, as much as I’m a feminist in terms of equality it the home/workplace/world – for once I wish I had the luxary of deciding not to work, or to work less – in favor of a more traditional family/work balance. I guess what I’m saying is that I would much prefer if my husband were bringing home the majority of the bacon, and work for me was an election as opposed to what it is now. Just for one year, maybe two? Ugh.
I think people were only trying to be helpful, at least I was in telling you how a more balanced life (job) has helped me deal with the monotony of SAH.
As I wrote before, I’m also adding in a class in the spring semester. That might help if you want your days a bit more interesting. The photos you have shown here have been gorgeous- you could take a photography class. Really, the possiblities are endless. It’s simply a matter of finding a hobby that sounds fun….you never know what that hobby can be developed into.
Oh, I did also want to re-iterate (as I suggested in my post in your last entry) that you could volunteer. I’ve found it does wonders for the soul.
I’ve re-thought my last post. What I should have said is Biatch – I’m jealous of you. There – said. Don’t hate me ’cause I’m green.
If I didn’t have to work for someone else again, I wouldn’t. Plain and simple. The idea that capital W work is necessary is…frustrating, to say the least. We assign value to people according to what they do for a living. At least right now I can say “I’m a student” and that gets me off the hook for not having a career.
It’s hard to stay home with your young children, and for some people (i.e., me), it’s hard to take care of a school aged child all summer (man, my 8 year old and I drove each other nuts – we’re like the Odd Couple or something). But my getting a job so that I could afford to have him go to summer camp seemed a zero sum game.
Sometimes, work is good for the soul, but its not (at least not for me), THAT good. Everyone is built differently.
I’m stalking today apparently. I’m never concise, so I should stay off comments. That said – I intended my comment about “unless you’ve been in the shoes of the primary income person” to be general, not directed at you. For all I know, you put Mr. A through law school; I’ve no idea. And, I don’t mean to minimize your dilemma – because I’ve not been in your shoes…but again, I think I would like to be. I’m working on being grateful for what I have, rather than wishing I had the SAH option.
I really like you, AmFam. And I think that Dawn is probably right. You are probably chafing under the hot-shot lawyer/chinese school/academic excellence stay-at-home mom crowd or whatever, when you have an adventuresome and a bit rebellious soul.
And it may take you a bit to figure out where you fit and what your goals need to be. And that is hard to do when you are always having to tote two shorties around all the time and take care of their every freakin’ need. But I, too, would like to have your dilemma. And I don’t mean that in a “my life is so horrible and I win the hardship/privilege olympics” sort of way. I mean it in the “Wow! you have tons of options! So many options it must be overwhelming to try to decide which one is worth trying to fit in and pursue” sort of way. If that makes any sense. Travel! Go participate in some extremist direct action cause! Learn a new language! Find a new rave crowd! Whatever. You may have to put the peace corps off (or not, I guess there are people who do it with their kids?) but I bet you could pony up a babysitter to at least do one or two of those things on a regular basis. The hard part is narrowing down which. I guess I don’t see what is stopping you from fulfilling your dreams except a bit of logistics and an excersise in narrowing down what your dreams might be. And it is okay to have “this is it?” moments. We all have them. But they are generally a call to take action. You will figure it out.
Curious why you assume work has to involve being chained to a desk. I’m at work right now. And I’m in Rockefeller Center! I’m just saying. Ok, so maybe working isn’t the answer for you. But I wanted to clarify that work doesn’t always mean ball and chain and having a boss who wants updates and status reports.
I’ve been following this all day and chuckling to myself – I happen to be home today w/ a puking-sick kid…I have been reduced to “the toilet is best, bathtub and sink are OK, floors in a pinch – just not on the carpets or furniture”. Yes I wonder if this is all there is with my PhD in the burbs! I have to admit that with the exception of days like today I’m fine not working most of the time. But here’s what gets me thru the mind numbing boredom: I am secretly and not so secretly fomenting revolution in my corner of the burbs! OK not so much revolution most days but at least some eye opening – mind expanding experiences for the playground mommies. I am so proud when the kid says “we’re not so sure about God” or talks about her gay uncles or asks people why they need such a big car when they only have one kid. I’m also considering taking on the public schools but that might amout to some real work…
AmFam – love the current title – it could be my mantra.
heh, cool title. thanks.
To put a different spin on the job-suggesting, I’d like to think that many people from middle income backgrounds have this ideal of finding what you’re passionate about and finding a way to do it for a living. So I don’t think a lot of commentors were suggesting that some job in a cubicle being bored to death is the answer to being more fulfilled in general. Cause that would just be…well, insane. When I thought about the last post’s comments, and your insight into why that sounds weird (which yes, it did when I thought about it from the lens you put forth), I came ot the conclusion that when I read those comments and didn’t really bat an eye at most of them, I was using a filter that definitely takes money-making into the forefront of consideration without being in a position of, say, someone who has to work at whatever the hell they can find just to sruvive. This kind of filter, IMO, tends to look at a job in terms of something that could be fulfilling and also bring in some income.
This is just what I came up with. I’m not saying everyone has that filter, and I’m not trying to speak for everyone.
I’d suggest making room (or demanding it, as the case may or may not be) for what makes you happy, what interests you.
What doesn’t feel like work to you?
For me, there’s a difference between hobbies and passions. That doesn’t mean that having the time and lack of a Small hanging off my bodily parts to knit doesn’t make me feel less bulldozed by the Mommy Thing. It does, and I recommend making sure to remember and incorporate whatever hobbies you enjoy.
But passions are different, and beyond that. I think those are what make us feel really fulfilled, as much as that is an attainable goal. So, an example of that for me would be literature. I freaking adored being an English Major. Literature classes get me buzzing. To discuss and argue and think about works of literature is bliss to me. Since getting my BA in May, I haven’t been in a Lit class. I miss it terribly, and I’ve been struggling a bit to get a a grip on what feels like an intellectual, creative, and even emotional hole in my day to day. I could take another class to help fill that. I could join a book club (provided I could find one where the reading selections didn’t make me turn a snobby nose up and the women might actually like me). I could get an MA and then a PhD like I once planned and teach it myself, for a living…which would be a job I’d have a hard time believing I get paid for…the kind of job maybe those commentors had in mind?
I don’t know what I’ll do. I kind of have to work to soon. If I didn’t have to, I’d probably devote myself to the novel writing I do in spurts.
Bottom line? There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to “work” or “get a job” beyond the fulltime Mom Thing you already do if you don’t need to. I think sometimes those old but still present Mommy Wars make women feel like they have to justify the desire..and the need!…to get away from their beloved children and have something just for them by couching it in terms of a job. We shouldn’t feel that. No one has any call to judge you for it one way or the other.
And I simply adore KT’s fomenting revolution. When I wrote my critical manifesto last spring my amazing, strong, feminist professor asked us what our training as English Majors had prepared us to do…and one of the things she suggested was starting a revolution! I’m all for it.
I have felt the way you are feeling in the past. I don’t feel that way right now, but I don’t really know why.
Maybe you’d enjoy starting your own business at some point? Then you get all the goals, growth, etc. without getting up early or working with annoying people.
I have also let go of the image of the “suburban mom”. Really, there are tons of women in that role, but they are not all the same. I no longer worry about becoming one of “them”. There are really cool women raising kids in the suburbs. There are some really obnoxious ones. And boring ones. And mean ones. And amazing ones. Just like you didn’t let your job define who you are – don’t let “stay-at-home-mom” define you either.
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