Late to the Party

I know I am a little late to the party on this one, but I blame extreme sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Better late than never though.

A short while back, I linked to the New York Times Adoption Blog thing. There has been a lot of discussion online about the problematic nature of the post by Tama Janowitz and the fact that the Times has chosen to censor the comments of adult adoptees. And don’t get me started on the problematic nature of “if you were still in China you would be working in a factory for 14 hours a day with only limited bathroom breaks.” YUCK. But there are many smarter, more articulate bloggers out there who address those issues.

I want to talk about something else that rubs me the wrong way about that piece. Something I hear a lot from adoptive parents who live in big cities on the east and west coasts: The idea that living near a lot of diversity will somehow insulate your kid from the fact that he or she is transracially adopted.

As Ms. Janowitz says:

“It may be that having a child of a different ethnic background from yourself is more difficult in other parts of the country. And certainly that may lead to problems. But In my neighborhood in Brooklyn I see black women with half-Asian, half-black kids and I see kids with dark skin and blond hair — the mother is white, the father is not…So here in New York City, we haven’t attracted too much attention.”

Ms. Janowitz also goes out of her way to mention the

“book in which many Midwestern Asian adoptees now entering their 30s and 40s complain bitterly about being treated as if they did not come from a different cultural background. They feel that this treatment was an attempt to blot out their differences, and because of this, they resent their adoptive parents.”

As if the ”Midwestern” is synonymous with “all white.” And also that the problem (as stated by Ms. Janowitz) would not be the ignoring of the different cultural heritage?

I am not going to sit here and pretend that the Midwest is hugely diverse. In some places it is, in others it isn’t. That isn’t the point of this post.

At issue is whether having ambient diversity makes up for the fact that a child is being raised by parents who A) don’t share his or her cultural heritage and B) are of a different race. It also doesn’t make up for the fact that that child lost his or her birth country.

Diversity is GREAT. Don’t get me wrong. I think it is hugely important. But I also think that what goes on outside your home is nowhere near as important as what and who are INSIDE your home.

My youngest daughter is adopted from China. She has a white mother who does not share her cultural heritage and who doesn’t share her race. In my opinion, she is fortunate that she has a father who DOES share her race and who has a similar (though not exactly the same because his family is from Taiwan and he was raised here) cultural heritage.

In addition to the natural diversity of our family and extended family, we go out of our way to make sure our children have lots and lots of people in their lives who are Chinese or Chinese American, of color and adopted. Our family prioritizes these choices, but they also come very naturally because of who we are (or maybe who Mr. A is) and the other priorities in our lives.

Does all this diversity negate the loss inherent in L’s adoption?

No. I don’t believe it does.

Even with a father of similar heritage and the same race, I don’t think it is enough.

Even with the Chinese lessons (or Chinese immersion school), Asian preschool teachers and classmates, hongbao, mixed race/Asian families on our block, and moon festival celebrations, it isn’t enough. Even if we take L to live in China, it won’t be enough.

None of that will erase the loss that L will feel because she was adopted.

It won’t change the fact that her adoptive mother is white and will never be able to relate to many experiences in her life.

It won’t change the fact that she lost her first parents or her birth country.

It won’t change the fact that he or she is a person of color in a country steeped eye-brow deep in white privilege.

You may live in New York or San Francisco, but if you are the white adoptive parent of a child of another race, you better accept the fact that your choice to adopt is going to have an impact on your child. You need to accept and acknowledge that as a white person, you will recieve white privilege your child will not. You need to get really comfortable with the idea that your child might not be grateful that you “saved” them from a developing country or a poverty-stricken family.

It doesn’t matter where your live or how good your intentions are. Adoptions is about loss. Seeing a lot of brown people on the street isn’t going to change that.

jenney

November 15, 2007 at 4:39 pm · Reply

Right on!
My husband may be chinese and my kids may be half chinese but… they don’t really share a common heritage b/c he spent most of his life in ChoLon and later on in the very chinese part of Toronto surrounded by other chinese families. My kids just happen to eat chinese food and are forced to listen to the news in cantonese every night. Other than that its generic white american culture around here.
I need to move. We live in Boston and we know no asian folks outside of work.

November 15, 2007 at 5:14 pm · Reply

Amen on the whole “I live on a coast so I’m safe” thing. It’s amazing what parents can convince themselves of to distance themselves from their own implication in the messy world of adoption.

sjb

November 15, 2007 at 5:42 pm · Reply

I certainly think everything you said was spot on. The only thing I want to add is that it seemed Janowitz was being somewhat tongue in cheek with what she wrote… things like:

“Is it my fault she is still angry because I kept coming home with another dog? I would have been thrilled, if I was a kid, to have six poodles! How was I supposed to know she would turn out to be the type who didn’t like dogs? And she says even if she did like dogs, she only likes mixed breeds!”

She is surely not serious there. So in a sense it seems like she is trying to point out the cluelessness of certain adoptive parents.

Meg

November 15, 2007 at 6:24 pm · Reply

can you speak to our extended family on this…..they think I am crazy to worry about these things- they do not get it and that frightens me for what they may find appropriate to say in front of our daughter and our sons……..I’m trying to educate as much as I can while she is still young….but it isn’t working- it is one of many reasons why we live 1200 miles away!
Meg

Judy

November 15, 2007 at 6:55 pm · Reply

This is. Brilliant.

Natasha

November 15, 2007 at 7:53 pm · Reply

Tama’s not really AP mainstream, is she? Any other reform-minded APs worried that she is?

http://multiracialsky.wordpress.com/2007/11/14/where-are-the-outraged-parents-here/

Kari

November 15, 2007 at 9:40 pm · Reply

I’m really fed up with parents in general that have the “who cares, they can suck it up” attitude about their own children. Just because you can come up with some cutting, obnoxious remark to say to your 12 year old – it doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Maybe it makes you feel smart and snarky and cool, but it isn’t right.

I’m also tired of the “there is no way to parent the “right” way, so I’ll just do whatever” line. If you weren’t up for the hard work involved in parenting well, don’t sign up for the job. I’m not saying everyone has to be the elusive “perfect” parent, but can we at least put some decent thought and effort into it?!

Scott Ocheltree

November 15, 2007 at 10:08 pm · Reply

This is a subject I struggle internally with a lot. Right now my kids are too young to really focus on it too much (though I suppose that’s not really possible). We do take Chinese language lessons with them, and work at making connections with the local Chinese-American community; but as you point out, and the most recent blogger on NYT points out, that’s really not that much.

The statement in your entry that prompted me to comment though was: “Adoption is about loss.” I am guessing that you really meant “adoption is PARTLY about loss”. At least I’m hoping you are, because while I believe this to be true, I am certain that part of adoption is also about gaining something. Adoption isn’t perfect, but I don’t believe it is an evil thing either. And so far, in real life, the only adult adoptees I’ve met have been happy about their life circumstances.

A couple weeks ago our agency hosted an open house event for families. In attendance was a 22 year old young man who had recently approached the agency to ask if there were opportunities for him to help there. He was adopted from China at the age of 10, and like my two sons from China, he was a “Waiting Child” because of limb difference affecting one of his hands. He seemed to be a very happy and eloquent young man who felt adoption was a very good thing for him. As to how he feels about his connection to his birth culture, he is currently enrolled at the local state university where he is majoring in Asian Studies, with a minor in Chinese Language. So I think it’s safe to assume that, for him anyway, maintaining and developing this connection is very important.

Mark Diebel

November 16, 2007 at 12:36 am · Reply

“The statement in your entry that prompted me to comment though was: “Adoption is about loss.” I am guessing that you really meant “adoption is PARTLY about loss”.

I prefer the earlier statement. It is pithy. It’s also true. Until we get to the position of seeing the loss… the gain is icing… or a mirage. It’s there… but on the other side of the loss.

It’s like saying the Fall was partly about loss. Exile, expulsion, partly about loss. The gain is costly. Real… but on a long road.

Round is Funny

November 16, 2007 at 12:43 am · Reply

This is something we think about a lot. When we bought our house, a few months before Roo was born, we purposely bought in a neightborhood where we, as white people, are the minority. It does feel like the right thing to do for him – but that doesn’t mean that we are off the hook for making sure his schoolmates and the people who come over for dinner are also people he can connect with on levels where he can’t necessarily connect with us.
We take the same approach with being a 2-mom family – it’s not enough that we live in an area where we’re practically a dime a dozen – he needs to actually know these families, to know other kids being raised by 2 moms or 2 dads, and be able to talk with people who share that experience.

figlet

November 16, 2007 at 3:51 am · Reply

You mean our bimonthly visits to Chinatown for dimsum aren’t enough? What if I tell you she painted an umbrella at the FCC Culture day? (She didn’t, but what if…). We have a huge culture day here. You should come some time. You know. It would give you fodder for at least a couple months, I’m sure. I went for the first time this year. I think FCC needs to take a good honest look at itself and realize that it’s (often) a forum to circle jerk over Chinese adoption culture. I know you aren’t talking about FCC, I’m going off on a tangent. It’s late, I’m tired. You are correct about people feeling smug because they live in culturally diverse areas. Awesome. Except few of us really do anything with it.. And you need to put this stuff in a book.

NYT Adoption Blog Salts Wounds In International Adoption Community | Popehat

November 16, 2007 at 5:42 am · Reply

[...] By reading the comments on the NYT blog, and the blogs linked by Racialicious, you’ll see the schisms in the community. The American Family blog has a good insight into all of this — international adoption necessarily involves loss on some level — loss by birth parents, loss of birth parents, loss of birth culture. Moreover — and just as important to the fervor of the discussion, I think — most adoptive parents come to international adoption from a place of loss. How we process all that loss dictates how we approach this debate. [...]

frog

November 16, 2007 at 4:17 pm · Reply

Amen.

Traci

November 16, 2007 at 5:43 pm · Reply

“I think FCC needs to take a good honest look at itself and realize that it’s (often) a forum to circle jerk over Chinese adoption culture.”

I’m an AP and I belong to our local FCC. Because I’m supposed to and because it’s one great place to spend time with many other children who’s history is similar to my youngest daughter’s. However, this comment from figlet left me laughing my butt off. We have a Chinese exchange student living with us this year. Another small attempt, on our part, to bring Chinese culture into our home, it won’t be the last year we host from China. I often look at the FCC events and wonder, “What ARE we white folks doing?!” How I wish I had a bold and italic button for that question.

Thanks for the laugh figlet!

Jess

November 16, 2007 at 6:11 pm · Reply

This is where the whole “colorblind” ideal is often misused.

It’s great that there are some people who try to be colorblind, but you have to realize that most people are not. And so to be “colorblind” you are basically dismissing a lifetime of experiences.

My brother told me that an ex-girlfriend of his once told him, “I don’t even see you as Asian…”

He wasn’t sure what to make of that. On one hand he realized that she was trying to say she loved him no matter what. But on the other it made him feel awkward, because you shouldn’t have to qualify love like that.

Brooklyn Mama

November 16, 2007 at 6:54 pm · Reply

I wasn’t trying to be contrary when I posted my last comment (it seems to have been deleted? what’s that all about?) – I agree with you, and this post, for sure, on many levels. But you know, we’ve struggled mightily with whether or not to stay in NYC, and I keep coming back to the diversity of the city as the biggest reason to stay here. It’s not the only place to be, but for our family, it allows us all to have a lot more interaction with diverse families and people than living in a small town. I’m not trying to be smug about it, or judgmental. It is just the thing I value most about being here. Sometimes it’s the only thing I value!

AmericanFamily

November 16, 2007 at 7:04 pm · Reply

Brooklynmama
I don’t have any other comment from you on this post in my email anywhere. Are you talking about another post? I don’t think I have ever deleted one of your comments. Because you have commented before, your comments should show up immediately, not go to the moderation queue.

FWIW, i wasn’t talking about you at all in this post. It was a response to that article mostly and to the random big city snobbishness I see so often on the adoption boards. Having lived in both the midwest and San Francisco, it isn’t as though I am not familiar with the differences. I just don’t think that living in a big city lets adoptive parents off the hook, but sometimes I think they think it does.

November 16, 2007 at 7:09 pm · Reply

My apologies, AmFam. Looks like I wrote it and didn’t submit it this morning. Sorry about that!

November 16, 2007 at 7:41 pm · Reply

Traci – I’m an FCC member as well. But lately I want it to be more than it is and I don’t know if it ever can be. And yet I’m sure I’ll shell out the $45 a year it costs for membership. I’m hoping my kid can at least paint an umbrella this year or something.

Sarah

November 16, 2007 at 11:56 pm · Reply

I totally agree with your post that adoption is about loss.

But growing up is about fitting in (sadly). And if you can go to school where you are one of very few Chinese students and everyday you are called the name of the OTHER Chinese kid by the math teacher, you suffer. Getting stared at in the hallways sucks. That’s what my husband experienced in his hometown outside of Boston in the 1970s. And that’s why we’re committed to live somewhere diverse. He’ll never move back.

So I do respect adoptive parents who make an attempt to incorporate diversity into their children’s lives; even if it seems superficial, there’s some awareness there. It can’t make up for every growing pain from adoption, but maybe it does lessen the child’s suffering in school. In my husband’s case, his (Chinese) parents didn’t understand what it was like for him at school and expected him to just suck it up because the school’s academics & reputation were strong.

Interesting post, Thanks!

November 17, 2007 at 1:38 am · Reply

I always love the posts and comments here, even though I biologically bore all three of my kids so I can’t directly relate to a lot of what is said.

But I can muse that “white privelege” really meant nothing to me as a white mother raising Japanese kids (who look mostly like their father, not me, and identified as 100% Japanese) in Japan. Now that we’re in SF, it’s evening out a bit, but I know when we go back to Tokyo in a couple of years, I will be the minority again in both my household and society.

(By the way, I am one of those moms who goes through life saying, “They can suck it up!” about my kids. I actually say this, out loud, often. I guess it might mean different things to different people?)

November 17, 2007 at 1:52 am · Reply

Early on, I committed to making sure my daughter would never be the only Asian in a school full of white kids. No way. If she doesn’t get into the only diverse school in our small city (and a very diverse school it is), then we will move. It’s that simple. Luckily, we are self-employed and we can move just about anywhere.

My beliefs were re-affirmed this year when my daughter began pre-school. She came home the very first day talking about a little girl in her class who had eyes”just like her” and hair “just like her.” In fact, according to my daughter, the only difference between her and her new (inseperable) best friend is – their voices.

November 17, 2007 at 2:39 am · Reply

I know this might not be the time/place AmFam but we went to hear Dr. Richard Lee of University of Minnesota speak last night and he gave pretty powerful voice to a lot of the stuff you discuss in this post…specifically what he calls the transnational/transracial adoption paradox and how this affects the mental health of adoptees (http://www.psych.umn.edu/people/faculty/lee.htm)

Gretchen aka mamagigi

November 17, 2007 at 5:17 am · Reply

Just wonderful. Brava to you.

cloudscome

November 17, 2007 at 6:29 pm · Reply

Amen! Ambient diversity notwithstanding, what you say to and about your kids has a tremendous impact. I guess she forgot about that part of being a “real” mom.

The New York Times censors adult adoptees on adoption blog at Racialicious - the intersection of race and pop culture

November 19, 2007 at 2:06 pm · Reply

[...] Save one, win valuable prizes Relative choices? Nail? Meet hammers. Racist M/Paternalism at its Best Whoa. Hey. People — this isn’t ok Shut Up, Tama Janowitz. Just shut up. And turn in your parenting license while you’re at it. To Willow Janowitz: You’re not alone…. All The (Adoption) News That They See Fit To Print A Comment About the Comments The New York Times: Gatekeeper, Censor Tama Janowitz, My Canidate for Mother of the Year Tama Janowitz on NYT adoption blog Fairness Doctrine New York Times aka “the Adoption Police?” censorship on new york times adoption blog New York Times Adoption Blog Censoring Adult Adoptees Where are the Outraged Parents here? New York Times’ Adoption Blog Censors Adult Adoptees Late to the Party Surprise – The NY Times is filled with Red Thread Ladybug Arses NYT Adoption Blog Salts Wounds In International Adoption Community Adoptees Are Not Your Therapists Appalling Tama Janowitz, let me introduce you to Dear Tama, [...]

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