I have received a few emails and comments regarding searching for birthparents in China.
There is very, very little information available about searching for birthparents in China. One of the best resources I have found so far is the recent post over at the Research China blog on this very topic. For those who have not yet thought about how they might go about searching, that oost would probably be a good place to start.
I don’t feel like I am qualified to answer these questions because we are not techinically searching for birthparents. Not yet. Right now, I am collecting as much information as possible and making personal contacts so when we do search (and that is currently the plan), hopefully it can be completed quickly and efficiently.
I have been fortunate to have a friend (C., another former KLB) who is on the same page as I am with respect to seeking more information. Her blog is pw protected, but with her permission I am reposting a few of her thoughts on collecting information about her child.
Thoughts from the much-more-articulate-than-me C.:
-When I started out, I was prepared for the fact that there would be unexpected twists in this story. …..But it turns out you really can’t prepare for the unknown.
-The story, whether I know it or not, does not change.
-We make these lifebooks; we craft stories. We draft origins. And those have a way of affixing some sort of rootedness. Only they aren’t stable origins. I’m glad that I’ve found the holes in XXXX’s story NOW, so that she doesn’t grow up with one story and then be crushed when she finds out that, really, the story was something else entirely.
-Searching does not necessarily provide more rootedness. Often–likely–it disrupts whatever rootedness
you think you have because your referral report states X or Y, which seems nice and official and true.-In every way, it is easier not to search. It is easier for us [the adoptive parents]. But I am not my main concern here.
-From what I can tell, a very large percentage of people who say they would welcome any piece of information about their children’s pasts don’t really mean that.
If you are thinking about searching, take a minute and really chew on those ideas. These are the issues that keep me up at night.
L has a story. We were given a version of the story. Is that story the truth? Right now, we don’t know. Does she have a right to know the truth? I believe she does. The foundation of her life is being built on what we tell her about what happened to her before she was with us. Is it fair to build her foundation on a shakey story because we are scared of what we might find?
Seeking this information. Searching for L’s parents. This is some scary shit, yo.
It is scary because we may never find the answers. It is scary because we may find answers that are unpleasant. It is scary because L may wish we had done more to find out her story. It is scary because she may one day wish we didn’t do anything at all.
But the scariest part of all? Not knowing how her parents may feel about her. I am afraid their lives are overshadowed by missing her, that they are suffering from a huge, gaping hole. Or even worse, that they never miss her at all.
As scary as all that is to me, I try to imagine being a child living day in and day out with those questions, powerless to find out the answers.
There are people who disapprove of our decision to search. Some people strongly believe that we should leave searching for L to handle on her own, years from now, when the trail may be cold. I can’t in good conscience make that choice for L. In this case, doing nothing is making a choice to make things more difficult/impossible for L in the future, should finding her family be important to her.
Fortunately, I don’t have to answer to those disapproving people who question us and our motives. The only person who we will answer to will be L. By doing this search NOW, we are making sure she has the best chance of accessing this information and finding her parents. If this is important to her one day, I can look her in the eye and say we followed every lead and share what we did and didn’t find.
People have asked me if I am afraid that she will want to go back to her other family if we find them. Maybe one day L will want to go live with her family in China. Maybe she won’t. There is no way for me to know what the future holds. L’s choices in that regard will not change a single thing about my love for her. I also hope it won’t change her love for us, because she will have our full support in whatever she decides.
The implication in that question is that L doesn’t have room in her heart for two families, two mothers. Whether we find them or not, L already has two families and two mothers. Her heart will already have to struggle with that reality.
Finding L’s family (or at least trying) will not undo the hurt and trauma that L has already experienced. She was hurt when she was abandoned, when someone put her down in a public place and walked away. She was hurt when she was living in an institution and didn’t get the one-on-one attention every child deserves. She was hurt when she was handed to us and she lost her nannies (the only mothers she knew). She is being hurt now because her family is out there and they are missing from her life.
Finding L’s family will not change any of those things. Finding them may only answer the questions as to why she had to go through that suffering. In a best case scenario, reestablishing contact with her family might give L the chance to have a relationship that will fill in the gaps in her story and allow her to reclaim the family and history that should have been her birthright.
I won’t lie and say that seeking these answers isn’t difficult. We haven’t had any major breakthroughs. Every bit of information raises another 20 questions. A lot of the time I am afraid to do anything, in case it makes information unavailable later. At the same time, I am afraid that if we don’t move quickly enough, memories will fade, records will disappear, there will be nothing left to find.
I was reading a book the other day and this question popped out at me: “What is the best thing I can do now in this situation, given these circumstances? Much is provided; now, what is required from me?”
Right now, the answer is to do what my mother-heart tells me will be best for L now and in the future. The answer is to move forward, even if it is slowly. The answer is to look my fears in the eye and seek the truth.
Thanks for posting this. I feel those same struggles. The idea that your child can make the decision to look for her parents once she turns 18 seems silly to me as her chances of finding them are nil at that point (most likely.)
Like you, it’s about what is best for my child. And, I haven’t figured that out yet, but I don’t know WHO my child is yet so I have some time.
Please post on this topic in the future. This post was very informative and very appreciated.
I think you hit the nail on the head with your quote “What is the best thing I can do now in this situation, given these circumstances? Much is provided; now, what is required from me?”
I don’t think anyone can tell you that you’re right or that you’re wrong in researching L’s past. I know you’re searching because you believe that is what will be best for L. I also think you’re right when you say that doing nothing, also, is making a choice. I would hope that as much as we like to judge one another, that this would be the one area where we don’t judge…..this just doesn’t seem black and white to me. Maybe some people are afraid that if you make inroads it will make the path shorter for their own children to find that connection.
I cling to every little bit of my daughter’s past. I know there’s a good chance that none of it is true, but I tell her what I know because right now it’s the best I can do. I don’t intend to conduct a search for her birth family, but when we go back to China, we will certainly visit her orphanage and her finding spot, although I don’t think I’ll tell her that’s her “spot” until she’s much, much older. I don’t think I would feel threatened by my daughter seeking her birth parents when she gets older, but of course, I won’t know how I feel until that time comes. I am committed, though to wholeheartedly supporting and helping her with her search, if that’s what she wants to do. I KNOW that I am the mama and the only mama who understands how deep her hurt is and I’m the mama who holds her close at night and I’m the mama she says “I love you” to. Nobody can ever take that away from me. My place in my daughter’s heart is solid. There is room for her Chinese mama and baba, as well. They are very much a part of her and very much a part of me. I hope it would break their hearts to know the pain this child has suffered because of her abandonment. I don’t mean that in a mean or vindictive way. What I mean is that I’m afraid if they didn’t feel pain for her that perhaps they didn’t love her and that the act of abandoning her was without forethought or emotion and that would add a ton of insult onto the initial injury. This is a long road and winding road we’re on as adoptive parents….I fully support your search and I hope that you’ll make the necessary contacts for L to be able to find her birth family and that she’ll have a meaningful link to her past.
You echo our feelings and our desires. I think the part that is most difficult for me, in terms of the adoption community, is that more people aren’t sitting where you and I are; staring down the hard truth and welcoming it into their lives. I truly pray that people will get past the damn ladybugs and red threads and do what is in the best interest of their children.
The website that you referenced, and the family behind it, have been a huge blessing to us. Brian’s wife calls our J’s foster mother 2-3 times a month on our behalf. “No money necessary. Thank you, anyway.” She does this for many. I’m not saying this to increase their work load, but to support them as adoption advocates. Brian gets way too much bad press, in my opinion.
We worked long and hard, prior to meeting our daughter, to dig for all that we could. It has paid off for us thus far. Now, we are trying to figure out how to learn about those first 48 hours. She was abandoned in a town forty minutes away from where she was cared for. We don’t have contacts in that town. Now the really hard work begins. I think it may start with a trip to China. We’ll see.
I wish you much luck and success in your journey to fill in the gaps for L. If my J. is frustrated with us for looking and trying, I for one, will be able to live with that. Trying to live with her frustration and anger from our doing nothing would be impossible!
Traci
There is another though much less likely possibility–
What if the parents of a child now in the US regret it so much that they want her back?
What would you do? I don’t mean you specifically and the circumstances of L’s early life. I just mean that I guess it is possible, and that it is another thing to bear in mind while deciding what course to follow now.
You give me lots to think about. Although as a child I often resented decisions my parents made, I have come to believe and accept that they did the best they could for me. That all their decisions were intended for my good. No matter how this search turns out I am sure that L will come to realize that you did all you could for her. Thinking of you and wishing you the best
I also think the fact that you tried and gave it all you could–however little you actually find–will be important for L to know in the future. The value of that–the trust she will be able to place in you knowing what you are wiling to do for her–can’t be dismissed, either.
What you are doing for L brings tears to my eyes. It is invaluable.
You have to keep in mind that it is possible that L was cloned in a secret Chinese lab by the Triad and doesn’t have any parents. She is a sleeper agent and at maturation will fulfill her quest and murder your entire family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is interesting, because until fairly recently I was one of those people who strongly believed that searching should be a choice left for the adoptee to make — after all, we had all of our other choices made for us; why take that one from us too?
But now that my trail has gone cold — over 30 years cold — I’m realizing that I would gladly cede that choice/power in exchange for any information that may have been available.
Great post. Thanks. We are just starting the search ourselves. It has taken me months to wrap my head around the ramifications of doing this. My husband doesn’t seem to think there will be any but I’m not so sure. We were given more information than most in our referral paperwork and it is our responsibility to Grace to find out what we can for her.
This is absolutely beautiful, I think you are being the best mother (parents) you can be by giving L the chance to find out about her past and origins someday.
Wish we had some info with which to start a search. But DD’s referral info did not name her finder and she was found on the side of a road. If I remember correctly, the referral did name the police station to which she was taken before being brought to the SWI. So what could we do? Hire Brian Stuy to travel to the province and try to obtain info (which I can only imagine must involve paying someone off for it)? And how would we know the info we received was true?? Sometimes I’m just bereft at the lack of info or seeming impossibility of finding any. We knew what the deal was when we went into adopting from China but I never imagined it would haunt me so.
[...] I know how much research she does (the blog doesn’t tell you half of it!) and I trust her. So here’s part of what she said that really resonated with me (I emailed her to ask her to blog this further sometime this month if [...]