Ok, for a complete 180 degree topic change. I knew it was bad news when Mr. A started a conversation like this: “I don’t want you to get upset about what I am going to tell you, but my mom called today…”
Yes, this did not bode well.
MIL is heading to our fair city for the holidays. Specifically because Mr. A’s older sister is going to pop out a new baby any minute now. Any visit with MIL that involves an overnight stay is generally headed for disaster, but apparently MIL couldn’t wait to get a start on making this one a particularly annoying trainwreck.
“My mom called to ask if she could teach M some ‘chinese cultural skills’ while she is down here.” said Mr. A.
On the surface, this sounds like something I would approve of, so I knew there must be a catch.
Mr. A went on, “When I asked her what skills she wants to teach M, she said she wants to teach her how to clean and iron…because she is never going to learn that from us.”
ME, is what she meant, of course. She is convinced that M will never learn to clean or iron from ME. Because I am such a ‘bad wife.’
This is a major source of conflict that goes back almost 5 years now. I barely knew MIL when Mr. A and I got knocked up with M. MIL came to visit for like 5 days when M was only about 2 weeks old.
It was a BAD visit. Very bad. Not only did MIL not help me with the baby, she would wait until I was trapped breastfeeding then spend the next 30 minutes telling me how I was such a bad wife (we weren’t even married yet!) because I didn’t iron Mr. A’s clothes and the house was dirty. She also took that two-week post partum opportunity to tell me that my appearance was “so bad, it could cause Mr. A to lose his job” and I had better get back in shape and clean myself up for him.
For the record, the house was NOT dirty because my mother (who is seriously anal about cleaning) had just visited and spent the entire time cleaning while the baby slept. MIL spent the bulk of that visit ironing ever single item of clothing Mr. A owned, including his boxers and gym clothes while never once helping me with the baby, making any meals or doing anything else remotely useful.
Also, this is the woman who had one of the filthiest houses I have ever personally been in. AND I spent the better part of three days cleaning it out for her. Seriously, SHE is going to criticize MY housekeeping?? WHATEVER. And no, I don’t iron. What the heck do we need to iron? Mr. A takes all his work clothes to the drycleaner.
Mr. A apparently tried to point out that cleaning and ironing are not ‘chinese’ skills. MIL argued that they are, because “Chinese people believe that pressed, unwrinkled clothing is very important. M needs to know this.”
Now, maybe we would buy this if we hadn’t been to China, but hello! We HAVE BEEN THERE. The vast majority of people on the street look like they slept in their clothes. Like they have never seen an iron in their lives. (Granted, the same thing could be said about me on an average day, but I am not making cultural claims to un-wrinkleyness.)
If I could put aside the blatent insult inherent in this request, there is also the fact that M IS ONLY FOUR. She already does plenty of age-approriate cleaning. I don’t really think she is ready to use cleaning chemicals. And should she really have access to a hot IRON?
The more moderate part of my brain can totally acknowledge that there is likely something chaotic going on in another part of MIL’s life. Either that or she knows the repercussions of some incredibly bad judgement of hers is about to hit the fan and we will find out about it. That is usually the root of the problem when MIL tries to stir up trouble like this.
I am going to spend the next week practicing deep breathing and being disengaged
Mr. A told her that her request was both rude and dumb. He suggested that MIL teach M to make jiaozi instead. She is considering it.
I feel your pain. Thank God my MIL doesn’t speak English, and I don’t speak Korean. Yet somehow she still managed to insult my hair the last time I saw her.
I hope the visit goes better than you expect.
Oh, mercy! Your patience in dealing with these things is such a example to me; would it sound too terribly third-grade of me to say a huge reason I have put off seriously looking for a partner is I am wary of what his mother might be like? I would seriously almost prefer to meet a nice elderly lady somewhere and have her say “oh, you should meet my son!” because at least that way I’d come pre-approved!
Also, it seems to make it even worse somehow that the insult wasn’t even that subtle; just “skills she won’t learn at home!” Heavens!
Hopefully whatever sparked this off for your MIL will have died down by the time she arrives, and the new baby will take up the majority of her focus
I love your MIL stories, this seriously cracked me up. Of course, I get to say that from afar. I do feel your pain.
Reminds me of how my MIL reprimanded me for making cake from a mix, oh and the time I didn’t cut carrots for a salad into the right shape!
Yes, hopefully she will be occupied with the new baby? Or ironing the new baby’s mother’s wrinkley nursing bras?
I live for MIL memories. Ooops, sorry about your pain.
Chinese cultural traditions! Your MIL lives in a 1980 NYC sitcom, where only chinese people can do the laundry and iron….
Ask her to teach M about another really important chinese cultural tradition: “the hunting of the free Kosher turkey”. now THAT’s a skill thats useful!
Okay, I know this may be entirely inappropriate but…
bbwahahahahhaha!
That’s classic.
This post makes me so glad that I cannot understand my MIL’s Chinese well and she doesn’t speak English. I am sure that she says the same things about my being a ‘bad wife’ but my husband never translates them.
Wow., I’m breathless. My best to you not not let her make you batshit insane in the next several weeks. I would not be able to even think disengage.
So I guess the racist stereotypes come from everywhere.
My uncle lived in a primarily Asian neighborhood in Seattle. My grandmother’s comment- “of course it’s clean and well kept that’s how the Chinese are!”
My sympathies. My sister’s Greek mil is very similar, and she does think my sister is a “bad wife,” though mostly because she doesn’t respect her in laws, didn’t name her first born after her deceased fil, and doesn’t send her kids to Greek school. My mother refused to teach us how to iron, because she was so good at ironing as a child that her younger sister was never allowed to learn-her dad didn’t want his shirts messed up. Her takeaway point was that women shouldn’t learn to iron because it will trap them ; ) ~lmc
For anybody ELSE to suggest that cleaning and ironing are “Chinese cultural skills,” well, inappropriate much? But I ran into the same thing years ago from my Middle Eastern boy friend’s family… So I get the impression it’s not just Chinese MILs.
On the other hand, learning to make jiaozi might be a good grandmother-granddaughter activity. Great catch by Mr A!
May I suggest valium or wine?
OMG I am so sorry but I laughed my head off like a maniac while reading this. My mother, while not Chinese, is also Asian, and she is an ironing fiend. She will iron boxers, sheets, pillowcases, tube socks, and anything that won’t melt.
She wants to teach a 4 year old to iron? That is funny. But I am sorry about the %&*# you’ve had to put up with. It doesn’t sound fun. At all.
I hope the visit passes very swiftly and that she will reside at SIL’s house.
Oh, Jesus. I’m suffering through my own visiting-MIL issues at the moment. I work full time and do 90% of the housework, maintenance, kid-chauffering, Xmas prep, etc. but have managed to make a home-cooked meal every night for the three weeks that she’s been here. I’ve made food that I know she likes instead of what I might usually make (i.e. no crockpot this month) yet she still complains to my husband that I put no effort into cooking and am lazy. Years ago, when my youngest was a newborn, she kept yammering at me to get the Christmas tree up and decorated and by the way why hadn’t I made lunch. And the baby was two fucking weeks old. Bitter? You bet!
MIL is Eastern European, not Chinese. And we’ve had the why-don’t-you-iron conversation, too.
Oh. My. God. I had NO idea I had Chinese cultural skills! I am SO proud of myself. I am just flabbergasted.
Your MIL is such a source of comedy. And drama. But her drama is so freaking funny. Chinese cultural skills. Ironing. Cleaning. Bwahahahaha. I know, you don’t see the humor in this yet, but you will.
Good catch for Mr A. He’s usually so oblivious. Maybe he’s finally catching on. So will MIL be staying with you or with the daughter and new baby? Hopefully it will be with daughter, who she can berate for being a terrible wife for not ironing boxer shorts 3 days after giving birth.
Man, that woman should be the lead character in a movie!
I love my MIL
I love my MIL
I love my MIL
Yet another cultural tie between Jews and Chinese…first the kosher turkey, now the ironing of boxers.
(I work with a lot of Hassidic girls, and they iron EVERYTHING…including boxers and SHEETS, and 100% cotton shirts for their hubbies. Um, my iron got stuck to the floor of my closet once. Heh.)
Still chortling quietly at my desk.
Have you thought about suddenly needing to go out of town for the holidays? Urgent Mr. A business, of course. Go someplace warm and fun.
Oh, my word. I’m so sorry, but I’m snickering here. I thank heavens that my ILs are sweet and considerate and never, EVER say anything bad about me (that I know of).
I used to be a little sad that both my husband and I lost our mothers prior to meeting each other.
Ummmmm….not so much anymore.
Sorry about your pain, but it is good for laughter heard ’round the world.
Traci
My inlaws never iron anything maybe living in Vietnam diluted their chinese need to iron… though they do bleach their house on a daily basis! and I LOVE the body comments. They called me “wing’s fat american lover” for a few years… I speak chinese and they just found out last year *maaawwwaaah*
feel your pain…
Wow. But, the jiaozi seems like a real plan. May A could even come up with a list of food he would like his daughter to learn how to cook (you know, to feed him in his old age).
It’s interesting, the role of in-laws. There probably is a historical tradition that one’s son’s wife became your servant (in several cultures). Thankful that we live in the 21st century even if your inlaws don’t. (I’m lucky, compared to this). My husband might complain occasionally, but today my parent (husband’s inlaws) are chauffering my kids to 3 different places & taking care of them while I work (and he goes on a business trip).
There may be some family hirearcy things going on too. That is, the issue is not really the ironing or the cleaning, but that the Tai Tai of the family feels the need to put you in your proper place. So if not the ironing, then something else. Just think, Pearl Buck wrote “The Good Earth” based on her own experienced in rural China less than 100 years ago. The social structures outlined in that story were horrifying. Perhaps some of the social mores underyling that extreme behavior still survive today. My condolences. Does – She knows not what she does – help?
Chinese Cultural Skills my ass.
Every Chinatown I’ve ever been in is filthy, as are most Chinese restaurants.