therein lies the problem

Conversations I have had with Mr. A in the not-to-distant past:

Attempt #1: Mr. A: Once the kids get older, would you consider moving to Washington/Chicago/back to San Francisco, if I got an amazing job?

Mr. A: Once the kids get older, would you consider moving to Washington/Chicago/back to San Francisco, if I got an amazing job?Me: No.  Can you pass the ketchup?

Attempt #2: Mr. A:  After I make partner, if I get offered a job doing XYZ working for a company like ABCD, do you think I should take the job?

Mr. A:  After I make partner, if I get offered a job doing XYZ working for a company like ABCD, do you think I should take the job?Me: Would it mean we have to move?  If so, I would say NO.

Attempt #3: Mr. A: If I got a job at the White House, would you move to Washington DC?

Mr. A: If I got a job at the White House, would you move to Washington DC?Me: No.  And if you are going to get that job, we may as well file for divorce right now, because White House lawyers work so much I would never see you anyway. 

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

In the past 4 years, we have had the above conversations about 5,000 times.  Every time the topic of needing to move for Mr. A’s career came up, I immediately said no and closed the subject. 

That makes me sound rather bitchy, no?

There is a little history behind it.  When we lived in San Francisco when M was a wee babe, Mr. A was a crappy father and an even worse partner to me.  He had a particularly abusive boss at a really evil Firm who asked him to do ridiculous amounts work in very short periods of time.  Mr. A also used to have a very difficult time setting appropriate boundaries with his job.   As in, he left the hospital 2 hours after M was born to go to the office.  (Seriously, he will be hearing about that poor judgement at M’s 50th birthday party because I have still not forgotten it.)  He was also averaging about 80-100 hours a week in the office while M was 1, 2 and 3 months old and I was still trying to finish the last of my grad school classes.

When we moved back to the Midwest, the decision was mine.  Mr. A was no help with the baby. NONE.  Also, besides paying the bills, he was not supporting me at all.  I believe the deciding conversation went something like this:  ”I am moving back to the Midwest with or without you.  I need help, you aren’t providing it, so I need to live near my parents.  If your job is so important, you can stay.  If you want to be a part of this family, you know where to find us.”  

Needless to say, Mr. A came with us.  In the years since then, he has grown into one of the very best fathers and husbands I know.  Things have changed dramatically, which means the importance of external family support for us to be successful/happy parents has decreased significantly (though still very desirable).

So when it started to become clear that Mr. A is probably going leave his current job, he started talking about his options.  In those conversations, I realized that if we stay here, his best career option is to continue in his current job.  This job is a bad fit and will inevitably nibble holes in his psyche if he stays there for the next 35 years. 

I like his psyche without holes, thank you very much, so I put all options on the table including moving.  Once Mr. A provided information about his dream career trajectory, it seemed reasonable enough even though it required a move.  It also seemed like this next job will be a huge investment in his future career (which also happens to pay my bills), so it may be worth a few sacrifices.

So now, the ball is in Mr. A’s court.  He is researching all his options, but the responsibility of this decision is weighing heavily on him.  I can see it in his eyes. 

Well, that and in the way he keeps walking around muttering ”Man, this is a really difficult decision!”

Tonight, I asked him why it is such a difficult decisions when he has been campaigning for this very thing for so long.  He said, “Well, before it was all just fantasy.  I always knew you would say no.   Now that you are onboard, the decision is real.  Now I have to consider more than just convincing you to say OK.” 

So the struggle is now between Mr. A and himself.  Since he is a lawyer, both sides of him are making pretty solid arguments.  I have no idea which way he will go.

We should have a decision and a plan in place by the end of the week.