I have not actually fallen off the face of the earth, rather I am hibernating. The introvert that I try to subvert has succombed to the intense socializing of the last week. Two birthday parties, three Chinese new year celebrations, and one long visit with a virtual stranger have pretty much wiped me out. I intend to post a few more pictures from the last two days, but not tonight.
I am facing a bit of a dilemma though. At M’s (second) birthday party, two of the attendees made nasty comments directed at L (My sweet innocent baby!!). They called her “that disgusting baby” and said “we HATE yucky disgusting babies like THAT” and gave her dirty looks repeatedly. Apparently, this was instigated because L tried unsuccesfully to take an abandoned cupcake off of one of their plates.
Their parents were not supervising them at this time, but another parent over heard them and told them it wasn’t good manners to talk like that. Then the kids lowered their voices and continued to say mean things about L and give dirty looks to the parent who corrected their manners. (I wasn’t there and the story was related to me later.)
L was completely oblivious to the commentary. Obviously, I don’t think it was harmful to her at all, nor do I hold any hard feelings. Little kids do stuff like this all the time.
The question i am struggling with is whether or not I should mention anything to the parents. If M or L were being mean/rude like that, I would want someone to tell me so I could talk to her about it. I am also glad when other adults remind my children that they need to behave when I am not in the immediate vacinity. And I want my kids to know they should behave respectfully when adults correct them.
At the same time, I do recognize that other parents are not always so eager to hear not-good things about their children, no matter what the intention of the tattletale may be. And also, they may not approve of other adults correcting their kids.
I was contemplating sending a short, friendly email to the parents in question. (Hi! It’s me! Just a heads up that this happened and you might want to know!! No big deal!)
Or maybe I should just mind my own business?
Minding my own business has never been my strong suit and I keep thinking I would want someone to tell ME if my kids did something similar.
Your thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated.
If I was the parent of the child that was making the rude comments and lets say they were five year olds….(I have a 6 year old). I would SOOOO want to know that my child made a comment like “disgusting baby”. That is not just a little comment…. My son would be disciplined for it, and especially the part about rolling the eyes at the adult. I think it’s a great idea to email just like you said, and just say it exactly like you started. Oh, and the reason I think that is even more unacceptable is because L IS a baby…..and can’t defend her cute little self! You could put that in your email “If L could have defended herself to the comments, I wouldn’t feel the need to email you, but she IS just a baby”. OK now my comment has completely rambled…sorry.
If the big kids in question are kids you see often, I’d say to wait and see – If this is truly the way they are around younger kids & non-family adults in general, I am sure the behavior will recur; you could “catch” them at it in person and share your observation right then w/ their parents. I think it’s less loaded to discuss other kids’ icky behavior right when it happens, when their parent is there to observe, etc.
If you don’t see them often, or don’t feel like waiting, is there a way you can spin your concern so the parents can save some face? One of my favorites is to frame the conversation so that it’s something you’re bringing up because you’re worried about their child – As in “I was so surprised to hear your Otto calling my Sweetpea a *#@%. It’s so not like him! I don’t think he understood what he was saying, and I know he didn’t mean to hurt Sweetpea; it really sounded like he was repeating something he picked up from some bigger kids. I’m worried that maybe he’s being teased by your profane neighborhood bully…” etc. It helps if you actually believe this, because this won’t work if it sounds disingenuous
It’s transparent, but who doesn’t want to preserve some parental dignity?
We all get a turn being the one with the Problem Kid sooner or later, so I think it pays to go easy on our fellow parents, at least for round one. Whoa – Sorry to write so much!
I usually say something like. We had a fabulous day. I had to be angry =for one omoment. Because they wee sayuing rude things about l …. So not judging just stating..
But if you were not there I wouldn’t this time..
My son has quite some friends who are an only childand have a hard time adjusting to a little sister being around. I did say it that way to a dad dropping of his son. He was very worried because he never knew this tyo be a problem. So I invited him in for tea and sure enough within five minutes his (very adorable) son had thrown my daughter of a raised bed (she is 3 and was not hurt). It was not a big deal but telling and a huge shock to dad. I have two so I know how it goes
Talking is not so much the issue here since all the kids palying here are boys..
you know, that’s interesting. because at one point, tate was sitting at the picnic table with a few of the girls and they were asking about his missing hand. and then i thought i heard one of them say “that’s disgusting!”. but i wasn’t entirely positive that’s what i’d heard, and obviously didn’t know them at all, so i wasn’t going to make an issue of it. and frankly – it was better for me to pretend that i had misheard what she said.
so i wonder if this is more of a “hey, i learned a new word and i’m gonna use it a lot” sort of thing?
in any case, i thought this might help you decide what to do…
I would surely want to know. That would spark an important conversation with me and my errant child.
I will be the lone dissenter so far. You heard it second hand, so the parents will doubt it…then they may go back to the original tattle-tale…who may not want to have that confrontation. Its in the past, second hand knowledge, essentially no harm done…why hash it out? I would just keep an ear out if those kids come over again.
If it were me, I probably wouldn’t say anything now, after the fact. I would have brought it to their attention at the party, but emailing later is something I likely wouldn’t do in this case. UNLESS you see these kids and their families often and you’re afraid of L getting her feelings hurt in the future. Then I’d say something.
But yes, I’d want to know, too, if it were my child.
I would want to know. Yes, it would have to better to have been told during the event but I would still want to address it with my child after the fact and be aware it could happen in the future. I think a casual email, emphasizing that it isn’t a big deal but if it were you, you would want to be aware, is a good idea.
I personally would want to know but I second the commenters above who suggested that if this is behavior that these girls indulge in often, there will be other chances for them to be corrected “in the act.” For kids this young, I think talking about bad behavior a week down the road is not going to be very useful.
I wouldn’t say anything, only because you didn’t hear it yourself. But if the parent that heard is willing, I would get them to say something. Always better to have the person actually involved to say something.
Haven’t read the comments, but maybe just use a modified version of what you said here “I’m not necessarily worried about the incident itself and so let it go initially, but, after some thought realized that as a parent I would want to know that my kids said this-so I am sharing.”
That said, my nieces and nephews call the youngest “evil baby.” My sisters reprimand them everytime, but it’s just a game for them (run away and hide from evil baby). ~lmc
Maybe the same parents who overheard and told them to be polite and reported to you will be the nosey ones and tell the parents.
I guess I’d not say anything if it were me. If it were just this incident. If I noticed the same kids doing the same thing a lot, I’d consider saying something at that point.
Hmm… I don’t have kids but I would vote for not saying anything.
Will these kids come over to your house in the future? If no, then I wouldn’t say anything. If yes, then I would either keep very close to them in case they say something like that again, or head it off with, “I know while you’re here you will be kind and polite to everyone in the house.” or something like that. If it happens again at your house, then I would definitely tell their parents.