Open Letters
Dear Mr. A,
When you sit around with that brooding look on your face, I know exactly what you are thinking. Yes, you are an impressive, fancy-pants lawyer. We all know this. Despite this fact, sometimes you may not get called for an interview. Move on please.
And stop brooding on the couch when I am trying to watch Survivor. It is distracting. Don’t you have some lawyer work you should be doing?
Love,
Ms. A
Dear Crate and Barrel Outlet,
Who the hell have you hired in your engineering department, 7th grade woodshop students? There is no reason why something as simple as screwing on four table legs should be so difficult. Why were all four leg-screw holes different widths and depths? They were supposed to be identical, but since they weren’t the screws either A)wouldn’t go in far enough or B) fell out when the leg was flipped over. Your incompetance made the project take about 45 minutes to do a job that should have taken about 15 minutes.
Maybe you should call Ikea for some quality control suggestions.
AmFam
Dear Denmark,
I am not blaming you for the Crate and Barrel fiasco. I am giving you a pass, because your Danish modern furnishings are so spare and sexy.
AmFam
Dear Little Sister,
Tonight was rather pleasant. We should try to do that more often.
AmFam
Dear Gas Station,
$3.45 a gallon? Are you fucking kidding me?
AmFam
Dear My-Dream-of-Living-Overseas-While-Our-Children-Are-Young.
I know it looks like I have turned my back on you, but I have not. I am just biding my time. Please be there for us when we are ready.
AmFam
Dear Mr. A (again),
Should you ever decide to become an important elected official, do not sleep with hookers. If you do, I will not stand by your side supporting you in a press conference.
If you need to find me, I will be outside the press conference carrying huge signs that say “MY HUSBAND IS A CHEATING ASSHOLE AND I DO NOT FORGIVE HIM.” Then I will give interviews to Katie Couric and all her friends and talk about what a schmuck you are.
Then I will divorce you and take every last fucking dime I can get. And I will make you pay for my lawyer who will wear even fancier pants than you.
Your loving wife,
Ms. A
Dear AmFam
Walk away from the computer. You are only making yourself crazy and helping no one.
Your Self.
P.S. Get a freaking haircut already. You are at least 2 months overdue and that mom-ponytail is not a good look.
Ha ha! Fuck yeah in regards to your “cheating asshole” letter. I don’t know how these wives live with themselves. They always stand there looking about ready to puke, anyway, so what’s the point?
Ha! Right there with you on the haircut. I am embarassed to say how long it’s been.
Har!
Yeah, I think we’ve all had the hooker talk with our husbands. Mine turned purple. I guess that’s why he’s not an elected official.
All I have to say is for the price and coolness factor, Crate and Barrel is a real bargain. I LOVE the slanted bookshelf.
http://www.AnUrbanStory.com
Hell to the yes with that whole not supporting the cheating husband thing. And if it makes you feel any better, I saw a gas station in SF that had gas at $4.03.
Ha, yeah I really, really feel like if you mess up on such a gigantic, colossal level, you should have to stand up there alone and take it, rather than parading your poor wife in front of the world on probably the worst day of her life.
I think one of the thing that bothers me most about this whole story is the fact that the escort was so young — this guy has three teen daughters. How could he? It boggles my mind.
just found you from Dawn
so excited! I think we are locals
LMAO
$3.45 a gallon?
that sounds great!
I’m living in Japan and here we pay $ 5.20 a gallon… I wish gas here was as cheap as it’s back in the States… that is the one of the few things I miss so much from living back in the States.
and totally agree with you on the cheating husband thing
Delurking (I think) to say it’s not often that a blog post makes me laugh out loud. Have a great weekend.
It seems that everyone is discussing women standing by their man after serious transgressions. My husband came home from work saying that the guys were talking about it at work. Scott told the guys at work that the only way I would be standing next to him is if I were holding a baseball bat in my hand. He told me that I wouldn’t have time for a press conference; I would be too busy throwing his stuff out of the house.
A man who knows his wife well……that’s a good marriage.
Traci
Yes, once you live abroad, the letters to the gas station will be much more indignant.
$3.45/gallon. Holy hell. And I’m griping at $3.09.
These were great letters.
Thanks for the grins.
Um, really, $3.45 is a freaking bargain.
And YES to the cheating asshole letter.
GREAT POST.
these were HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I loved this post so much! : )
All of them made me laugh. But the “elected official”, the cheating spouse one and holding a press conference outside. had me in stitches!!! I agree and I tell, ya, I’d have to do the same as you mentioned, too! Ha ha ha. : )
For what it’s worth, I have been watching that coverage of Spitzer and the call girl escapade, here here in Japan, thanks to my CNN. All, I can say is OMG!!! His poor wife! : (
Have a great week Amfam! : )