So, I never went back and explained clearly that we are not moving. Mr. A withdrew his application for those jobs. Looking back on it all, it is kind of funny how it happened…
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Fall 2007, after seven or eight months in baby jail.
Mr. A: “There is this interesting thing at work that is related to China. Some people at the company want to try to get some China business.”
Me: “OMG, you should totally DO IT. Get a job in China. Then we can all live there! You PROMISED we could live overseas for a year. Let’s do it! We can make it happen!”
Mr. A: “Uh, that isn’t exactly how it works…I don’t really speak enough chinese to work there…I am not actually interested in that kind of law….”
Me: “Ok, so you won’t work as a lawyer! Let’s just get teaching jobs! It will be so AWESOME! A year off! Yippee!”
Mr. A: “Uh, I’m not so sure….”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Christmas 2007
Me: “Merry Christmas Mr. A! I know you have some concerns that taking a year off to go to China will wreck your career, but I heard a thing on NPR and I bought you this book! It says a year off is good for you!”
Mr. A: “But if I take a year off, it really WILL be bad for my career…”
Me: “Ssshhhhh!!! Did you read the book? The book has all the answers. Read the book. We are GOING TO CHINA. It is my LIFE’s DREAM.”
Mr. A: “Ok, I will read the book.”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
January 2008
Mr.A: “I read the book.”
Me: “Yay! I am glad you came around to my side! We can go to China!”
Mr. A: “Actually the book says when people start thinking about a sabbaticals they start reassessing their lives and look at their dreams. Going to China is actually YOUR dream. I was thinking when we came back, maybe I can get MY dream job. It would be a big pay cut and we would have to move but…..”
Me: “What!!???! But….China…..our families…the mortgage…a year off was already going to be really, really expensive….”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Later in January 2008, on a long car trip.
Me: “So are you really unhappy with your job now?”
Mr. A: “No, my job is good. But this other job is like my wet dream job!”
Me: “So that is what would make you happy?
Mr. A: “Yes, but we would probably have to move.”
Me (looking out the window at the freezing cold and grey midwestern landscape): ”Who cares about this place? The weather sucks! And I guess I want you to be happy. Ok, Let’s move!”
Me: “If it really makes you happy, I guess I can just give up my dream of a year in China since there is no way we can afford to do both.”
Mr. A: “You mean it? YAY! And I wasn’t really that interested in living in China anyway, because I have already done that…”
Me: “…but I haven’t…”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Spring 2008. Mr. A applies for new jobs. I begin massive home repairs.
Mr. A: ”OMG! I have all these connections to get these jobs! I know I can get one sooner or later!”
Me: “Shhh. I am painting and hammering and sanding so I can block out all thoughts of the long-term impact of this move. But yay. I want you to be happy. You better be happy, dammit.”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Spring 2008
Mr. A: “I feel really conflicted. I don’t want to move.”
Me: “LA LA LA! Paint is in my ears! I can’t hear you! We are moving! To make you happy! Be happy dammit!”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Mr. A: “I am really worried about moving. What if my dad dies while we are gone? What if this is his only chance to be close to the girls and I am taking them away?”
Me: “Seriously, we are moving. For you. Because this will make you happy. You want that job, right?”
Mr. A: “Yes….but I am worried…”
Me: “Mr. A, I am trying to be your cheerleader. Please don’t make me be the one to convince you to take this job if you are conflicted. This whole thing is making my life really hard. There is only so much I can take…”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Mr. A: “I have an interview in Chicago!”
Me: “crap. I mean, YAY!”
Interview happens, Mr. A is rejected. Mr. A is mopey. I am happy, but feel guilty.
Old life resumes. We pretend we aren’t moving. Our small midwestern town is shiney and happy. Birds are chirping. Flowers are blooming. I realize that I always hate the midwest in winter, but I love it the rest of the year. I have agreed to something that may be a terrible mistake. Life is good here. But we are committed to moving, so I move on to landscaping…
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
Mr. A gets another interview in D.C.
Me: “This is TERRIBLE! I shouldn’t have agreed! I don’t want to move! I like our life! SOB SOB SOB. The flowers! The birds! The new playroom in the basement!”
Mr. A: “Ok, I won’t take the interview. You don’t want to move.”
Me: “What? But you want the job! Tell me about the job…”
Mr. A: “Well, it is a job that could do XYZ and change the whole course of my career and I would be a SUPER HUGE ROCKSTAR LAWYER! But I am not taking the interview because you are sad.”
Me: “I need to go think alone for a little bit.”
An hour later. After a long angsty phone call with a friend and a lot of soul searching.
Me: “OK, take the interview. We can make this work.”
Mr. A: “Ok! Yippee”
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
The next day. Mr. A comes home from work.
Mr.A: “Oh, by the way, I called about that job. It turns out it wasn’t what I thought it was. So I don’t want to interview.”
Me: “Are you kidding me?” Pounds head on table.
(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))
A few days later.
Mr. A: “Wow, this process is really stressful.”
Me: “Yes.”
Mr. A: “In another couple weeks, a job offer will mean that M has to move in the middle of kindergarten. I don’t want her to have to do that.”
Me: “Yes.”
Mr. A: “And actually, neither of us really want to move.”
Me: “Yes.”
Mr. A: “And my job isn’t actually that bad…and there are other good jobs around here anyway.”
Me: “That is your call. I want you to be happy. You said the job would make you happy, so that is what we were going to do.”
Mr. A: “Is moving going to make you unhappy?”
Me: “Probably, but we will survive.”
Mr. A: “But I am actually pretty happy here…well, maybe we should just stay here then.”
Me: “That would make life a lot easier.”
The End.
That is how both Mr. A and I flirted with fulfilling our life’s dreams, but then we each let our dream go.
I think we both realized that a good marriage is not necessarily about getting the most important thing for one of us. Instead, our marriage works because we are both willing to compromise for each other and our kids.
While we may not be bohemian globetrotters or super duper legal rockstars, the life we have together is pretty damn good.
I sang “Dream Weaver” in my head the whole time I read this post.
Glad you have both reached the fine art of compromise.
Oh man, I was giggling through this, you wrote about it SO well.
Beautiful. Very happy for both of you. But I’m going to block out the part about A not wanting to live in China, because I think J is kind of done with living overseas too and is only considering it to make me happy… ~lmc
Hee. That made me laugh as well.
Are you super excited that now your house is all fixed up beautiously and you get to stay in it? The worst part of moving is fixing everything up just so someone else can enjoy it, IMHO.
oooooh, such a good post- thanks- I needed to be reminded that it isn’t just about me or just about him……congrats on coming to a conclusion- the not knowing what is going to happen can be the worst part.
Meg
So happy you reached a resolution. I would love to live in China for a year too but don’t see that happening….enjoy your new playroom and beautiful flowers : )
Sometimes being a grown up sucks. But glad you found a compromise that doesn’t make either of your miserable.
I am impressed you didn’t have (or didn’t feel the need to include) any loud and unhappy fights in this process. Negotiations without rancor, enlightening discussions, listening. Hmmm. this shouldn’t impress me so much.
And you do have the fixed up house to enjoy. (When we fixed up our house to sell, we made it much less child-friendly, but it was pretty.)
It sounds like things worked out for the best in the end. I’m with you on the whole Midwest thing. I love spring, summer, and fall, but talk to me in January/February, and I’d chuck the whole thing and move.
Love it. And I love it even more that because you thought you were going to move, you tackled all those projects that will actually enhance your life right where you are (in a superficial way, of course, but still).
Great resolution! And now you can have that renewed sense of satisfaction that comes with almost losing your life as you know it. Congrats!
Great sequence. Yeah, asking to move in the midwest (or, say, Alaska) in the middle of winter is an easy choice. But when springtime comes…!
Now you can enjoy the fruits of your labors, the house all fixed up. And you can still think of a year in China later on…
Wow, I understand that winter sucks, but yes, you two are MADE for each other! You guys are lucky that each of you is willing to sacrifice for each other…
Are you going to repaint your stairs red?
It is eerie how similar to yours the past 6 months or so has been for our family. Except Cole hasn’t let me blog a word of it.
[Standing up and clapping loudl]: YAY!!! Good think you both compromised and happily agreed on not moving. And thanks for all the cool format of dialogs interspersed with special effects!
[I meant -- good thing.]
And, since I’m still here — yeah, talking about things and making the relationship work rock. YAY to good marriages.
Ahh, what a sweet post. Now I’m all verklempt. Even as I imagine Wayne Campbell voice as part of the dream sequence special effects…
Oh man is that whole thing ever familiar to me. Except it was MY job and his idea to live overseas. Um. Yeah. Writing to you from the other side of the world, even as we speak.
The dream of China for a year could easily happen when your kids are older – they’ll remember it more, learn more and quite possibly hate you even more for the whole thing in a few years or even 10 years.
Enjoy the midwest. I actually am missing springtime in Ohio……
Oh, Thank goodness! I know I know nothing about you and you can’t really know someone through the computer and blah, blah, blah…but that whole moving for A’s dream thing felt just really out of sorts to me. My instincts kept telling me something isn’t right in this picture!
Glad you and Mr. A came to a conclusion that will make all of you (mostly) happy! Great title, btw.
I was doing the Wayne’s World “doo doo doo” wavy-hands dream sequence effect in my head the whole time I read this. And I am super happy for you. And for me, because you are still going to be kind of close and maybe someday we will get down there to visit again! Yay!
I’m very sad you’re not moving to Chicago because I could use your brilliant parenting advice closer to me, but I’m glad you’re at peace with where you’re living. At least you spiffed up your home in the process!
Okay, I’m delurking. love to read your blog, nice to see regular posts again. Am a mom thanks to adoption from china, so that started my initial connection to your (refreshing) blog.
Am wondering about your location…will have to move in about 1 year, we are midwesterners who met in CA, moved back to the midwest for my training…and now we are torn. Family, peace of mind and ease vs. all the perceived and real benefits of life on the west coast.
so…would you recommend moving to your city? Where is it, anyway? can you email me, I can reply.
Thanks, and thanks for the web community!
Jena
[...] drama Mr. A whipped up for us this year. Last January, he got a bug in his bonnet about making us move for a stupid job he wanted. There were several miserable months of trying to get ready to sell our house and figure out [...]