Comments on: two steps forward, one step back

By: American Family » Must Read Book

American Family » Must Read Book — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:52:34 +0000

[...] While I was very sure that L showed good signs of attachment, there were little things that would niggle at the back of my brain. I have seen certain behaviors and reactions from her that were unusual, very intensely when we first met and less often but still occasionally now. But they weren’t attachment and I didn’t have any other framework to use to identify them. But I knew it was *something*. [...]

By: Dee T

Dee T — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:56:24 +0000

Both my children were adopted as older children, and both had alcoholic, neglectful birthmothers. When I go away, they get anxious. My daughter was very upset when I was in Kazakhstan last year adopting my son. It’s just a trauma that takes time to heal, and may never fully heal.

When your daughter is a little older, it should become easier when she’s separated from her daddy. You can talk to her and help her understand better.

Dee

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 29 May 2008 20:20:44 +0000

Thanks for sharing this. I have been thinking lately about how most kids are afraid of losing their parents, even when they are really young. That’s really normal, I think. But the kids who came to us through adoption have a different kind of experience. This is not just an abstract fear for them. They have a deep, bodily and even intellectual understanding that this can happen.

Recently my daughter and I were play this game where I said “when you are 14 years old, I’ll be this old, and when you are 37, I’ll be this many years old.” Finally she came up with a old age for herself and asked me how old I’d be then. I said “oh, honey, I don’t know if I’ll still be alive then. She got big tears and said “mama, that what I so afraid of.” It amazes me that she can articulate that.

Mostly I’d say she is doing so, so well and I think our attachment is healthy. But still, she has some profound fears.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Thu, 29 May 2008 19:13:17 +0000

My daughter is having some of these same experiences. When my spouse works a lot or travels overnight, she expresses a lot of anxiety. We noticed it was worse when my spouse returned in the middle of the night and showed up to answer her cries.

By: lisa

lisa — Thu, 29 May 2008 17:57:13 +0000

Thanks for sharing this. It is constant balance and rhythm, isn’t it? Right now, lbg’s anxiety seems to center around nap time, and the fear that I may disappear if she goes to sleep-kind of reasonable, given her experience. She holds my hand to fall asleep-in a vise grip. And the screams are blood curdling if she wakes without me there. ~lmc