Earlier this week, I was browsing the local real estate listings. I wasn’t looking for myself, I was looking because my parents have been kicking around the idea of buying a condo nearby. As someone who would like to increase my access to free babysitting, I am taking the bull by the horns.
While I was looking, I bumped into a house in a perfect location that had potential, but only cost a little more than our current house. And by potential, I mean I was imagining doubling the size of the house and adding a second floor laundry (because isn’t that The Dream?) in a few years with a full-gut renovation. Ahem.
I was interested enough that I called a neighbor who is also a realtor. I was bummed to find out the house I wanted was already in contract. But the realtor convinced me to look at several other houses that were twice as expensive. Since I have been drooling over two of the houses in question, I agreed to look. Besides, who doesn’t like to poke around other peoples’ houses?
Inside, the houses were not exactly what I was expecting. One house REALLY was not what I was expecting.
When we walked in, M looked at a vase that was sitting on a table and asked “Is that a PINEAPPLE?” And the answer is no, it was NOT a pineapple. It was a vase covered in breasts. Very lovely, well-proportioned perfect breasts. The overall effect *was* a little pineapple-esque.
Well then. That was a bit of a surprise.
As we walked through the rest of the house, I noticed more boobs. Most of them were in paintings or prints sprinkled here and there. Most were a bit more tasteful than the titty vase. Until we got upstairs, that is.
As I walked with our 60 year-old lady realtor into the master bedroom, I glanced at a print on the wall. When it registered what I was seeing, I actually gasped.
It was a hard-core kama sutra illustration framed and hanging on the wall. (If you are curious as to which one, I think it was another more well-endowed version of the one in the second row, second one over in that link. Obviously, that link is not work safe.)
Now, you know I am no prude. I worked at planned parenthood. I used to survey teenagers about their sexual activities, including anal sex. I even owned penis models once. I am sex positive, really I am!
But here I am with a five-year old who was REALLY interested in looking at a stranger’s belongings and an older woman I had met only 10 minutes before. I swear, the realtor looked like she was about ready to faint when she got a good look at that print.
I quickly hustled M out of the room and the rest of that house is nothing but a blur in my memory.
But the giant picture of PENIS in VAGINA, now THAT is burned into my brain.
Seriously, what are these people thinking?!? Who can focus on buying a house with boobs and penises accosting you from all sides?
I now know a leeeetle too much about those particular neighbors now.
Actually, I am off to google them to see if he is actually a porn producer or something.
Bomp-chicka-wah-wah.
I’ve always thought the kama sutra was trying too hard.
What? The Boob Vase didn’t lure you in?
Maybe instead of baking cookies for an open house, they set out bowls full of condoms.
After all, sex sells, right?
You.must.be.making.this.up. Sounds like a SNL skit! Did they have any personal photos around? I wonder what they looked like…
What are these people thinking? Maybe they secretly or not-so-much secretly want their neighbors to know or join in the fun. Hmmm.
I have a feeling their house will be on the market awhile, albeit with a lot of traffic!
HA! Oh my GOD! That’s insane. I’m not sure what I would have done. That’s just…insane! Besides, my decor just kind of blends into the background after a while. If you’ve got penises and vaginas hanging around everywhere, you know you just don’t even see it eventually. And that seems sort of…sad, somehow.
I wonder if they don’t actually want to move.
well, you and I both know how to stage houses that we dont’ actually intend to sell, we really should start offering other people advice.
#1: penises and vaginas dont’ sell houses, unless it’s a frat house.
Bahaha!
That may very well be the best real estate story ever.
Also, even ifyou loved that house you could never own it after that because you’d spend all your time wondering what went on there. It’s almost as bad as a crime scene house.
I watch HGTV all the time and I am sure they say that in order to sell a house you need to ‘depersonalize it’. I don’t think they have been listening – lol
My in-laws bought the home of the man who owned the biggest gay club in their city. The pool in the back had a man-sized statue of David, and one of the bathrooms had a faucet that strongly resembled a penis, and even dispensed the water up at a 45 degree angle…. Needless to say, the place had extensive renovations.
Wow.
I guess this is why the folks who sell staging actually make money — because a lot of people are CLUELESS.
It’s very funny, you know. Not for you, but for the rest of us: priceless.
(Hey, I loved the idea of a second-floor laundry room until three weeks ago, when we had our Kenmore Elite front loader repaired and got to talking with the repair guy about shaking/vibrations. Apparently most washers, but especially front-loaders, cause huge problems on second floors, because builders never really make the second-story floor joists strong enough to hold all that water. Who knew.)
That cracks me up! I could so see that happening to me. I’m sure their relator will be having a convo with them about that.
We were house hunting last year and I couldn’t believe some of the houses we went into – did they even realize people would be coming into their house?!?
I have no idea what to comment. BUT you did make me laugh – thank you. Oh, and if you really don’t want to move, stop looking! I look, I move. Sigh.
OMG! I’m a Realtor, and I have walked through a lot of homes that surprise me, but this has to take the cake! I can only imagine what your Realtor was thinking! Too funny!
ROFL.
@@ That’s all I have to say.