Must Read Book
I had done a lot of research before our adoption and I felt I was as prepared as I could be. The focus of most of my research was on post-institutionalized kids and/or attachment. While it was a gradual process and didn’t happen overnight, I felt that L was attaching very well and in a healthy way. I watched her like a hawk initially and even now, I periodically watch her critically to make sure she isn’t demonstrating any attachment issues.
While I was very sure that L showed good signs of attachment, there were little things that would niggle at the back of my brain. I have seen certain behaviors and reactions from her that were unusual, very intensely when we first met and less often but still occasionally now. But they weren’t attachment and I didn’t have any other framework to use to identify them. But I knew it was *something*.
Recently, I read Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes. As I was reading, I started recognizing L and her behavior in the descriptions of trauma and traumatized children. It was as if all the puzzle pieces finally fit together. Since we met L, I have said she was traumatized by losing her ayis and her home. I would refer to “trauma” in kind of a flippant way, but it turns out I was more right than I knew.
I turned the pages with tears rolling down my cheeks because I could see that I wasn’t crazy. I had see proof that my baby is a tough little survivor who was reacting in a completely normal way to a shitty situation (being handed to complete strangers with no warning). I had a vocabulary for her behaviors: the disassociation, the terror, the reliving the trauma in similar situations. It all made sense.
Despite all my research, I had only read brief references to trauma and L paid the price of my ignorance. While she would probably have been traumatized by her handover no matter what we did (due to China’s crappy system of not allowing pre-placement visits), we could have avoided re-traumatizing her if I knew then what I know now.
This book is a starting place for me to figure out the next steps in helping L get past the trauma she experienced. There are concrete suggestions. While her symptoms are rather minor now, if they flare up again in the future, I know the kind of therapist I will need to find when she is older. I know how to describe what is going on.
Maybe it doesn’t happen to every kid, but it happened to mine. I really believe this book should be on ever pre-adoption reading list for people adopting toddlers or older kids.
This book sounds great. While neither of my boys were adopted, I definitely think that some of the troubles my five year old is currently experiencing relates a lot to his experience of his dad leaving us/him, particularly since they were so close. I never thought of it as “trauma” per se, but now that you mention it, I’m sure that it was (and continues to be) quite traumatic for his little self. I look forward to reading this book and hopefully gaining some insight.
Thank you for this post - I will buy the book immediately.
Although my daughter suffered terrible neglect during her first year of life (the back of her head is completely flat and will always be that way), looking back all these years later, I realize that the most trauma she suffered was when she was handed to us and thus, lost EVERYTHING she’d ever known.
Today, at age 5, she is an amazing, happy and smart little girl who cherishes her family. But she also struggles with symptoms of PTSD that wax and wane (and change) over time. As soon as one symptom disappears, another one surfaces.
She inspires me everyday and has taught me what it truly means to be a survivor.
Thanks again.
Wow. Thanks for the recommendation.
Wowza. I just spent last night scouring the internets for resources on trauma and adopted children. I’m convinced that’s what’s up with my little one. My spouse is being trained in trauma healing - we have much to learn.
Thanks for the recommendation. I need to find it.
It’s so important to have good literature like this. There’s another book, too, called Adopting the Hurt Child, that is a helpful resource. Best wishes to you and your family.
Thanks for the recommendation. I have read a lot about childhood trauma, starting from my own experience-and, like you, I quickly decided that lbg is struggling more with trauma than attachment-but this is the first book that I have seen from the child’s perspective (other than Adopting the Hurt Child, which does deal with it-but I think more from an attachment perspective-or at least that was the way I read it several years ago).
For us, the biggest thing is that the anxiety and terrors seem to get worse the “happier” she is-which is classic trauma survivor. ~lmc
I’m off to buy the book. Thanks for sharing.
If you haven’t already, you might check out this link to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, as follows:
http://www.nctsnet.org/nccts
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Thank you for the recommendation.
I would also like to suggest http://www.emofree.com. This is a technique that is getting widespread use, with excellent results.
Anything to help our little ones (and our big ones, too), survive and lead a happy life, yes?
Thanks much! Could you (in your copious free time) post two or three other favorites on toddler adoption? I would like to read up, just in case… (in case I can persuade Cole that we need another child).