The Lawyer Lifestyle
A lot of our lifestyle is defined by Mr. A’s job. I have been contemplating the impact of Mr. A’s job lately because I have several new-ish friends whose husbands either come home from work every day by 6:00 (and stay home) or who have very flexible schedules and work less than 40 hours a week. I can not even imagine what that would be like anymore.
Mr. A’s standard schedule is to drop M off at school at 8:00, then go to work. He is supposed to be home by 6:00 because that is the time we eat. Most of the time, if he has more work to do, he either works from home after the girls go to bed at 7:30/8:00 or he drives back in to his office (thankfully, only about a 15 minute drive with no traffic) and works until about 11:00 or 12:00. I am extremely grateful that he has the option of driving home for dinner on those days. It means that even though he is very busy, it doesn’t compromise as much of his time with the girls.
I generally assume he will have to work through dinner one day a week, either for a dinner meeting or because he has so much of extra work to do that he can’t get it all done after bedtime. Last month, he had a huge project that required him to work straight through until about 3:30 a.m. and then return to work by 8:30 for three nights in a row. (I know this because I am a very light sleeper and I wake up as soon as he steps in the front door.)
The pain in the ass part of Mr. A’s job is that it is difficult to know when he will have to work a lot. He may have several weeks of regular days, but then he will get slammed and work an 80+ hour week. There are also random work commitments that pop up early in the morning, in the evenings or on weekends. For example: Sunday he worked until around midnight, he has a dinner meeting tonight and a breakfast meeting early tomorrow.
As a creature of habit and lover of routine, I find the unpredictability very unnerving. It also makes it really difficult for me to schedule anything social in the evenings because I am always on call. My options are usually to make last minute plans (once Mr. A is out of the office for the day and is sure he is free) or to plan way in advance so Mr. A has the time blocked off on his calendar. Most people want to know a day or two in advance if there are plans to be made (which I can’t really do most weeks), but they don’t want to schedule a lame coffee date three weeks in advance. I also can’t commit to anything that meets on the same day each week (book club, yoga class, etc.) because I most most likely will have to flake out at the last minute.
I am not really complaining about our lifestyle. We have a nice life together. The unpredictability is the price for the financial stability that comes with the corporate lawyer gig. Mr. A is lucky that he can usually arrange his schedule so gets to see the girls more than most lawyers do. In general, I am happy and satisfied. But when I compare our life to other families with a more traditional kind of schedule, it is hard not to be a little jealous of their freedom and flexibility.
October 20th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
A friend’s husband is a neurosurgeon and we talk a lot about the benefits of my spouse’s academic schedule. Sure, he’s in his home office a huge percentage of the time — but he is at home. It’s nice. Extremely nice.
I do wonder what it would be like to have a job that you left 100% at work.
October 20th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
When Mr. E was a grad student, he worked at least one weekend day, every single weekend. And for the past two years, until we moved, he taught at night, until 11 PM, two nights a week. It sounds like not a lot, but it was insanely hard, just having to be a single mom those extra two nights a week. it’s given me extreme appreciation for the fact that he now works 8-5, and mad mad mad respect for all the single moms out there. Every single mom on earth is my own personal hero.
And you’re pretty great too. I schedule a lame coffee date with you three weeks ahead of time
October 20th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
DH is also a lawyer so I know the schedule. He’s been a lawyer for about 20 years now so I’m pretty used to his long work hours. In the early years, I would complain about my life being at the mercy of his schedule and never being able to make plans. Now, I have a really great sitter and I plan my schedule according to her availalbility, not his!lol I’m just thankful that DHs long hours come with great compensation - I see too many people work 12+ hour days to just make it through each month!
Julie
October 20th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Yeah, j works 6-3, but he gets paid less than 40k. I really hope he gets a better job soon, but I love that I never miss book group or film club, and we have dinner together every night (love that A makes that a priority)unless I’m meeting a friend for happy hour-which I get to do on short notice. And last week I went to a club with a girlfriend and got home at 1am. Also, he has lots of energy for weekend adventures, since his job doesn’t require a lot of brainpower. We usually do a family thing one day, and the other weekend day he and S go hiking together-allowing me to catch up on my stuff.
But I wouldn’t mind more financial security. I worry because he is actually getting paid at a higher pay grade (really!) than budgeted for the position in recognition of his over qualification-thus he is an easy target for layoff.
~lmc
October 20th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Jody,
I should have added that Mr.A is also lucky because his firm doesn’t currently require him to carry a blackberry. (I have outlawed him getting one unless it is required.) I feel like that is hugely helpful in creating a separation between work and home. At least the can’t email him at 11pm and expect him to jump. I think people are much less likely to pull that crap if they actually have to talk to you in person on the phone.
And Elizabeth, heck yeah on admiring the single parents. Single parenting would kick my ass.
October 20th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I work in film production. My workdays are 14 - 16 hours long, which makes it hellishly difficult to make sure my teenagers are supervised and able to get to their activities. Luckily my ex-husband is willing to pitch in occasionally, and my kids are responsible and incredibly well-behaved. Still, working long hours sucks. In my case it’s worth it because I only work about 35 weeks a year.
October 20th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
yea- grass is always greener. Fabulous flex sometimes means poor half the year too “)
It all is what it is and you make the best- bc this is the life we each know. right? xo
October 20th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I cannot imagine hubby having a schedule like that. During the not-so-common times he is working extra, I get so frazzled. I don’t know how you do it.
October 20th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Craig contemplated going into consulting when academia was seeming less than peachy, but gave up the idea for this very reason. So we are poor but have a very flexible lifestyle.
By the way, I’m currently off kid duty on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights, and I’m always up for a last minute jaunt to the wine shop (for their cheapest glass of wine, see above) or a walk or something.
October 21st, 2008 at 12:03 am
My husband is a commercial airline captain. His schedule comes out once a month, but he likes to “tweak” it…he’ll drop an entire 4 day trip and then try to pick up a day here or a day there to make up the time. It doesn’t have to be so unpredictable, but he likes it that way and truthfully it really does work well for our family. We have decided that it just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever for me to have a job because my availability to our family makes it possible for him to fly when he needs to and he makes more in an hour than I make all day. The good thing about his job is that when he’s not flying, he’s not working and he’s home and available. He’s a great hands-on dad and definitely does his share with the kids. If you can just get used to the weird, unpredictable schedule it’s a piece of cake. Since your kids are still so young it’s harder for you to not know ahead of time what you’re working with. That will get much easier for you as your girls get older. I can remember when my kids were small, sitting on my front stoop and praying “please God, just let me live through TODAY”. And yeah, a big round of applause for all the single moms who work all day, pick the kids up, cook dinner, do homework, laundry, baths and get kids to bed.
October 21st, 2008 at 2:04 am
It’s taken me a long time to be basically at peace with my husband’s career. What’s strange is that the long chunks of time away bother me less than his current schedule does. (My husband is an officer in the Army.) I mean, he was in Korea for 2 1/2 years and I was on my own, and it sucked and I complained often and bitterly, and deployments loom and it’s all really shitty, but I…got used to it, as much as that is possible. But this daily, can’t get the kids after school because I have a meeting, can’t take the sick kid because I have to go re-enlist someone, have to go get some guy out of the MP station, etc bullshit really grates on me, It;s like now that he’s in a commander position ( he wasn’t previously, he’s prior enlisted) all his soldiers come first. That’s how it has to be, and while I get it in my head, some days I just want to scream about it.
So, yeah. I feel ya on the daily schedule thing. And I also forbid my husband to get a blackberry. I told him home was home, there has to be a time you’re “off.” It’s bad enough they call all the time. If I get one more middle of the night call!!!!!!!!!
October 21st, 2008 at 2:21 am
Reading all your descriptions woke me up to how truly awful my schedule is. It’s like I had gotten numb to it. My husband also works long, unpredictable hours. I’m at home with our 11 month old, and work in a “part-time” job which is actually a full-time job that I get paid half a salary to do, and have to take home to finish. So, while he’s working, I’m either in the office or at home trying to finish things by my end-of-the-week deadlines while taking care of our son. I wish I didn’t have to work, but right now we can’t afford to be without my salary, puny thought it is.
October 21st, 2008 at 10:36 am
This description of Mr. As life puts in a nutshell why it is so hard for mothers to continue their law careers. And for folks who think “so what” they can choose to go part time or change careers, i.e. make the best choice for their own lives, I agree, BUT then in 8, 10, 20 years we won’t have as many talented, qualified female lawyers to appoint to state benches, federal judgeships, both district and appellate, and the Supremes, fewer women to be counsel at Universities, I could go on and on. Because you have to take your licks in the first 10-20 years of your career to get to those positions — JUST when you may have small children. If you’ve also had kids . . well, then. And having legal decisionmakers continue to be mostly male will reverbate for all of us. Can’t resist. Just my high horse as a lawyer mommy of 3!
DS-L
October 21st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I am SO thankful that Scott is almost always home before 6. I do think there may be a tradeoff in some respects, because he likes what he’s doing now, and I don’t really know what he’ll be doing 20 years from now…still programming? He’s paid well, but he doesn’t have aspirations of starting his own company or anything, so the future is a little less known/secure. But for my sanity’s sake, I”ll take it.
October 21st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I’m envious that your husband HELPS! The man carries a blackberry which I hate and most of his clients are on the west coast which means his prime hours are noon to 8 even though his planned work schedule is 8 to 5 on the east coast. Which means he usually is not home by 6. Though one exciting new thing at work is that they switched everyone to an hourly wage (kind of unusual for a company of lawyers and software developers) which gives the company incentive to get everyone out of the office by 5 or pay them overtime. He does get paid well so it makes the time sacrifice worth it. I just plan my life like he isn’t going to be home ever. I make plans with my chick friends on the days the little one has preschool. I never plan to do anything at night unless its with my parents. My family is kind of used to him not being around or showing up late.
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:10 am
best thing i ever did was leave private practice and went in house. sure it was tough with the whole class a type that i am but mr. A WILL get over it. i am so glad i left. home by 5:30 every day and never worked a weekend in the last 2 year. that said, i would not have gotten my new job but for putting up with the 100+ hours a week (i was a securities lawyer in the 2002-2007 period…before everyone stopped raising money).
October 23rd, 2008 at 8:32 pm
DS-L, you just inspired me to keep working, and working at it… DoctorDude is a surgeon and his hours are pretty unpredictable and long. As the lawyer in the couple, I’m the one with the MORE flexible schedule, if you can believe that.
AmFam - it IS hard, no matter how you slice it. I think A and I have pretty flexible schedules for private practice lawyers, but even so it is just a lot of hours. I have taken to coming in late (10 or later) but I usually don’t leave work until 8 or later. And then I often bring work home and don’t do it. I also subscribed to the “don’t have a blackberry, don’t give out the cell #” philosophy, but as I got more senior I found that that wasn’t always possible, especially when you are managing a team. When I made partner I broke down and got a blackberry, and it has actually been more freeing. People don’t abuse it, and just because you get an email at 11pm doesn’t mean you have to answer it right away (though I did feel like that the first few months I had it). I started turning off the syncing from 11pm - 7am to keep myself from checking it obsessively. But one of the best things it’s enabled me to do is leave the office early even if I am still waiting for something to happen. Many a time I’ve been on the road to Vermont on a Friday afternoon, DoctorDude driving, me dealing with emails. A lot has to do with setting reasonable boundaries and expectations early.
Good luck - it does get better though it takes time, and it never really goes away. Unless you go on vacation somewhere the blackberry doesn’t reach.