Open Letters
Dear Gutters,
Why the eff are you full of leaves again? I just cleaned you out yesterday.
You suck.
Sincerely,
the Woman who almost fell off the ladder cleaning you yesterday
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Dear Yard,
You are on my bad list too. I raked and raked you yesterday! Do you magnetically attract all the leaves from all our neighbors trees? Cut it out!
Sincerely,
the Woman who kindly tries to prevent the children from yanking out all your grass
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Dear Oldest Child,
I hope that you are going through a phase because your behavior is wearing on my last nerve. I tell you not to do something and you acknowledge my instruction cheerfully. So why is it that less than one minute later, I catch you doing the same thing AGAIN? And then you look shocked and innocent when I remind you of the previous reprimand??? I hope there is an imbalance in the growth of your brain that is leading to this poor impulse control and that the other part of your brain catches up quickly.
And for the record, when I said “Stop touching your sister” I meant it! STOP TOUCHING her!
Love, Mama
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Dear Youngest Child,
For the past month or two, you have been incredibly whiny and tantrumy. Your previously pleasant demeanor was gone and I missed it very much. During this same time period, you have been killing me and your father with your poor sleeping habits and waking up WAY too early.
I am writing to apologize for being a dummy. I only realized three days ago that your poor sleeping began when we stopped turning on your white noise machine at night and during your nap. Now that we are turning it on again, you are sleeping an additional 2 hours each day. And you have been a funny little ray of sunshine.
Your mama is sorry that you were so miserably sleep deprived all that time. My only excuse is that I was also sleep deprived by your up-too-early shenanigans and was too tired to think straight.
We will keep that sound machine on until you move out as long as you agree to sleep in until at least 6:30 every morning.
Love, Mama
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Dear Friends and Family,
Why do you all simultaneously want to go out to Saturday brunch or lunch the very week I signed the girls up for swimming lessons at that time? No one has invited us to do anything at 11:00 on Saturdays for YEARS. While we would love to see you, four invitations in the same week is a little over the top.
Sincerely, the Girl who can’t believe she turned down dimsum three times
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Dear Self,
Buy yourself some winter boots this year. Do not wait until January when you are slogging around in wet tennis shoes and soaked-bottom jeans for this to occur to you. Do it now. Also, hurry up and get the Christmas shopping done. You know you hate shopping in crowds. Things will not be much cheaper if you wait.
Love, Your Good Intentions
November 8th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Oh, yea, white noise machines. Can’t live without them in the girls’ room or ours. They go with us on vacation, too.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
LL Bean has fabulous, lightweight, women’s pull-ons that are warm and waterproof on sale for 29.95. I’ll even order them so that I can get the $10 over fifty gift certificate. Let me know.
November 9th, 2008 at 3:37 am
I’m so ready for the “one minute later doing the same thing” phase to be over. I finally had mine write “Don’t put your mouth on the container” on a piece of paper, because she kept putting freshly-washed squeeze bottles (which we were filling with frosting, but these were empty ones! tasting of nothing but plastic!) In Her Mouth. Complete with the cheerful acknowledgment of my request when first made, and shocked and innocent look when it was in her mouth *again*.
I’d suggest the writing-down thing, but all it really did was keep her hands occupied while I filled the bottles.
November 9th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I was going to suggest the LL Bean boots, too. Awesome…I am on my third winter with my pair.
And our yard? Does the same damn thing with the leaves. Gah.
Take care. And I hope you are feeling better.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I love when you do your “open letters”. They are so darn funny and smart!
I especially liked the “dear friends and family one” because doesn’t it always happen that way though? Ha ha ha.
Also was fond of the “dear self”, Growing up in Colorado where we get big snow. I had boots when I was a kid, but as an adult, I always ended up with wet bottoms of jeans and soaked shoes too, seriously. So yeah your letter to self gave me a chuckle and an agreeable head nod from me. And now that I live in a mild weather part of Japan, I don’t need them. : ( LOL. : ) And LOL about waiting on the Christmas shopping too. Have a wonderful week over there Amfam! : )
November 11th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
I could write those verysame letters. Except for the boots one. I have two pairs of winter boots from Lands’ End, and they are spectacular. Cute and warm! And they accept any return on any product at any time, no questions asked. It makes ordering from a catalogue super safe.