The other conference topic
About a month ago, M came home from school saying some surprising things. In addition to her speshul snowflakedness, I also talked to her teacher about what M said in this conversation:
M: Mama, I don’t like Jason*. He is in my class an I don’t like him.
Me: Why not?
M: He has a mustache.
(I will confess, I laughed at this point because whenever M talks about kids at school, my dad always asks if that is the one with the mustache. You know, assuming that kindergartners don’t have mustaches, so it would be a funny joke. I thought she was just making a joke too.)
Me: Really? Are you joking?
M: No, he really has a mustache**! And he has brown skin. I don’t like him.
Me: What do you mean? You don’t like him because of how he looks? Because of his skin?
M: Yes. And also because he has an accent. Jason is from India. He doesn’t talk right. He is Indian and he has an accent and a mustache and brown skin. I don’t like him.
Then she rolled her eyes, apparently because I am so slow I don’t understand how these things should clearly add up to someone who is not likable.
It was hard for me to respond at this point, because my mind was just boggling. Seriously, WTFityFF!?!?
Then, I did the only thing I could think to do. I reminded M of the four kids in her preschool class who were Indian or were from India who she liked just fine. I reminded her of her three preschool teachers from Korea who all had accents. I reminded her of her GRANDPARENTS who have accents. I reminded her of the 6 or 7 kids in her preschool class who didn’t know any English or were still learning it when she met them, all of whom had accents. I pointed out about 10 people she knows and likes who have brown skin, accents, who come from other places, etc. (Current classmates, family friends, Chinese teacher, her classmates at Chinese school, etc.)
While M agreed all these people shared some characteristics with Jason, she could not be persuaded that she should not dislike Jason for those reasons.
I am pretty sure that M is not getting those messages from home (at least I hope not!). She has only started saying those things since this summer (remember that one incident at the park?). I just don’t know what the heck is going on. I thought maybe kids were saying something at school that M was picking up.
When I brought it up with the teacher, she was perplexed. She said if the kindergartners were talking about race/skin color/ Jason/ etc., she is pretty sure she would have heard about it, because they don’t really filter what they say to her yet. She claims she hasn’t heard a peep about it yet.
The teacher was really surprised that M had such strong feelings because she didn’t remember ever seeing much interaction between M and Jason. She also said that M is very friendly with all the kids she knows well, including kids of color in her class.
Since this teacher’s last day is today, there isn’t much she can do. She suggested that M’s seat get changed so that she sits next to Jason, so she can get to know him. I figured it can’t hurt, as long as the teacher makes sure that M isn’t saying anything rude to Jason. (M is usually a very sweet and polite kid, but you never know what will come out of the mouth of a kindergartner.)
Besides talking more about differences at home, I am kind of at a loss as to what I should be doing.
*not his real name
**She was right, he actually does have a bit of a mustache.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Is it possible she couldn’t articulate the real reason why she doesn’t like Jason, so listed the most-identifiable things about him instead? Alex’s current kid-who-isn’t-my-friend isn’t liked because she’s mean (at least, she’s been pointlessly and intentionally mean in my presence), but when I’ve asked Alex why she doesn’t like that girl (who has no distinguishing characteristics), she’s been utterly unable to come up with a reason.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:05 am
M seems to be in a multi-cultural school so I’m not sure if this is the issue, but I remember when I went to school I was the lone Asian person at the time and everyone made fun of me because of it.
Then one day, an African American kid joined the classroom and as the kids started to tease him (for being new and also ‘different’) I joined as well in because I was glad kids weren’t teasing me anymore
Of course I feel horrible about it now, but at the time I was just glad nobody was making fun of me anymore…
November 18th, 2008 at 11:53 am
My daughter has started saying stuff to me that will get a reaction. I now know that what she is saying may not necessarily be true, its my reaction she wants, and my reassurance. Maybe she is feeling different and this is her way of having you reassure her.
For an example, my daugther comes home and says that some boy in another grade came up to her and told her she was ugly. When I try to pinpoint when, where, how this other boy came up to her she is vague. Within the same day she’ll talk about a classmate and how pretty she thinks she is, because she has pierced ears. My daughter doesn’t. This has happened alot lately. I’ve been able to ascertain she just want reassurance.
Maybe she is remembering your reaction to the playground incident.
Just a thought.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
kindergarten thing? M did the same thing a few weeks ago. 80% of his class is on the tan spectrum so I had no clue? Come to find out one of the lone white kids in the class told him that there was a difference between dark tan and light tan. Light tan is ok but dark tan smells. what? we talked about it for a while and he was all ready to tell the kid he was very wrong. The kid broke his leg and was out of school for week! M spent the week playing with his old very tan friends at school and by the time the kid came back he was no longer the center of attention. But we do have an appt with the teacher coming up… the thing that disturbed me is that the kid talked him into voting for McCain in the mock election… what? not in this household!
November 18th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
M doesn’t seem to have this personality from the little I know her, but Luke often says things just to try to get a rise from us. He has told us he loves horror movies, doesn’t like people with different colored skin, is pretending to shoot animals for no reason (since we come from a culture where people shoot animals but we emphasize that it is only to eat them and we are very thankful that the animal gave its life for us etc. etc.) He doesn’t sound like a very nice little kid at this point, eh? We have discovered that he really does it to get a reaction out of us and if we just try to not react emotionally, even if it is something that we need to address, it usually goes away. It sounds like you are handling it just right, even if it really bothers you.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I think it could be anything and agree that maybe she is grasping. Both of my kids at one time or another has claimed they do not like someone because they are ugly. I of course try to set them straight but I also think they they may have bad feelings against them for some reason but may not be able to explain it thoroughly yet. Maybe the mustache thing is freaking her out a little. They would make him different as well.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:28 am
In September when we were on vacation, our little M was playing with some toys while I was reading a book and she said. I don’t want to be brown. She’s Chinese. I had a similar reaction as you in your playground post. Her preschool class is very diverse, have diverse group of friends…what the heck are we doing wrong, etc, etc. We keep talking with her and it’s only come up one other time since then but I’m uber vigilant now…
November 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
don’t see my other comment? but anyway this is a little more of why I think Mahzarin Banaji’s kind of work might be relevant -
http://thesituationist.wordpress.com/2008/10/24/the-situation-of-a-situationist-mahzarin-banaji/
November 20th, 2008 at 3:58 am
Hey, Mazu Banaji was a professor in my department when I was in college (although not at Harvard)! Thanks for the reminder of old times.