Yesterday was the two-year anniversary of L’s referral. Two years was the pinnacle of waiting what felt like forever for something that seemed like such a preposterously possibility. After all that time and bureaucratic bullshit, who could believe that there was a real-life person out there who would soon become my child?
Two years ago yesterday, I looked at her little picture and felt…well, honestly, I felt not much of anything. But in two short years, I can no longer remember my life without this little girl.
These first two years with L have been hard. Harder than I imagined, but in different ways. It was really hard to parent a child who lived through the trauma of separation and loss (not once, but twice!) and whose only purpose in life seems to be claiming me (which is different from loving, I learned over time). It was hard to patiently wait for her scars to heal over so she felt safe enough to hug me instead of trying to hold on for dear life. It was hard to wait for her to decide that we were probably sticking around so she did not have to look out for the next possible cargiver. It is hard to look back on these two years and see so clearly the places where I made mistakes that made things harder for L. But always, from the moment I touched her, it has been so very easy to love this little girl.
In other ways, I am sure are facing different kinds of difficulties in the future. We have only started talking about adoption. L’s language isn’t developed enough yet for us to discuss it in too much detail. Right now, L is trying to wrap her head around the idea of an ayi.
She pretends she is a baby and I pretend to give her a bottle. “I used to give you a bottle when you were a baby, right after you met us in China!” I say. “What means it a Ayi?” she asks because she knows the Ayis had something to do with her being a baby. “Your Ayis took care of you when you were a baby and you lived in China. They changed your diapers and gave you bottles and put you to sleep in your crib. Then Mama and Daddy came to China and we became a family when we adopted you, so Mama gave you your bottles then.” Then, I pretend to give her a bottle and she says “I not a BABY!” and we both laugh because she isn’t a baby any more.
Right now, looking backward and looking forward, I can see the loss and hurt that L will carry. As her mother, that is hard. I would take that pain for her, if I could. Instead my job is to help her trudge through it and smooth out the rough edges where I can.
It has been a long two years, but it also seems like it was just yesterday my hands were shaking as I clicked open my email and saw her face for the first time. That day, I remember saying to Mr. A, “She just looks like a random baby. She doesn’t seem like she is ours.”
But now she is ours and we are hers –for better or worse–and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
“…Whose only purpose in life seems to be claiming me (which is different from loving, I learned over time)…”
Oh, yes. Oh, that is it in a nutshell. That kicks off all kinds of memories, like a bunch of fireworks.
Happy two years!
I don’t know why I was thinking that you adopted long before we did. Our 2-year referral anniversary is next month.
I identify with so much of what you are saying. My daughter alternates between being a big girl and wanting to play baby. She’ll crawl into my arms with her sippy and pretend like she’s a baby. Then she’ll jump out and tell me that she’s the mommy and I’m the baby. I play along with her and let her act out whichever role she needs at the moment.
Part of our bed time routine is reading. She gets to pick out the books. One of her favorites is I Love You Like Crazy Cakes. Some time ago, I started telling her her own story following the pattern from the book. She now likes for me to snuggle with her and tell her “my story” as part of bed time. She’s 2 1/2, so this is how I’ve started the adoption talk. I don’t know if it’s the right way, but it’s what we are doing.
Congratulations on your anniversary!
Wow, this was lovely. Thank you for sharing it so that those of us that haven’t gone through adoption can have a bit more empathy and understanding.
I really enjoyed this post. As someone who is considering adoption, I have always appreciated your viewpoint on it.
OH MY GOD. I am officially a HORRIBLE mom. HOLY CRUD. I forgot. Where was my head? I was thinking about it, etc.. and it just totally slipped my mind. How could I do that. And only after 2 years? I can’t believe I am even telling you this. BUT thanks so much for posting this to remind me. Oh man! Anyway – we have the same conversation over here. Also ending with S. reminding me she is a big girl and standing on her toes to show me just how big. I can’t believe 2 years have gone by.
And I forgot to say – happy anniversary!
Yep, like the blink of an eye. So, when is our Cow & Bridge dinner reunion?!?!
EEgods you have galvanized me to get that toddler life book started.
Our 2 year referral anniversary isn’t till June but at 2 1/3 she is very clear she is from China etc although we have limited sharing of China (only very close Chinese friends and pandas). Adoption she hasn’t quite gotten her head around although we talk and read about it frequently
Congratulations!
Wow, beinga relative newcomer to your blog, I can’t believe it’s only been 2 years, because your posts over the last year or so have shown Miss L to be such an integral part of your lives that I can’t even picture your lives without her. Which, I guess, is the point!
Yet more congratulations!
This is such a beautiful post. Adoption has only touched my life very peripherally, but I feel like I understand your experience more from reading this.
And I love this picture. L is so, so cute.
This is a three hanky read! Hurray for L!
Happy anniversary!
Hmmm, seems I missed my 1st anniversary. We are having a big party in Chicago next week for the anniversary of our adoption date, maybe that will count?
Oh my…yes. That is it, so clearly….the claiming, the strange feeling of having a child you don’t know…the drudgery mixed with the magic. Wishing you all a happy anniversary!
Happy anniversary!
Five years ago, on New Year’s Eve, we received our referral. Six weeks later, we traveled to meet our soon-to-be 1-year old daughter. Thank you for writing THIS post. You said it so much more eloquently than I could ever have.
What a family milestone–wishing you many more years of loving and (re)claiming your stories and histories.
“She just looks like a random baby. She doesn’t seem like she is ours.”
we have often talked about adopting and this is what one of my fears is that i will feel if we do. i am glad that it changes with time.
This entry is definitely one to keep for her to read in the future. =)
Congratulations on the anniversary!
Happy Anniversary! What a beautiful picture.
Great post. Happy anniversary! That is a beautiful photo. I am jealous that you waited “only” two years.
Two years already? I can’t believe it. Our two year referral anniversary is in a few weeks. It is strange how it feels like it wasn’t that long ago, yet it is hard to remember what life was like before our little girl was in our family.